I’m back in London. After spending the day with my father, I’m standing in front of Simon’s door, ringing the bell. I’m late.
He opens the door, and as always, my heart flips in my chest when I see him.
‘Finally you’re here.’ He sweeps me into his arms and carries me inside, and suddenly he’s kissing me. ‘I’ve been waiting for you. Let me look at you.’
I’m dressed simply, but with thigh-high stockings underneath.
‘You drive me crazy.’
‘And you drive me insane, for other reasons.’
His hands are all over me. He lifts up my skirt, turns me around, and pushes me over the straight-backed chair in front of him so he has a good view of my bottom.
‘Don’t I even get a cup of tea?’ I ask.
‘Tea?’ he sniggers.
‘It’s been a long time. Don’t look too closely, things aren’t quite the same as they used to be.’
‘Zara, for goodness’ sake shut up!’ He pushes himself against me. ‘You’ve been a very bad girl, keeping me waiting like this. You deserve a good spanking.’
‘Oh, not that again! It’s you that should be spanked.’
‘How can you still do this to me after all these years?’
‘Slow down,’ I demand.
Soon we’re lying down on his bed as he pushes himself inside me, kissing me with his whole mouth. Later, we fall away from each other and lie side by side. He is breathless.
‘You’re out of shape, old man.’ I smile, looking at his face.
He smiles naughtily. ‘You really are asking for it…’
‘You’re sick in the head,’ I say.
‘Oh, really?’ he laughs. ‘And you’re the epitome of mental health. That’s why you keep coming back for more.’
That’s how it started. I had said to myself that I needed to visit him just one more time, but once we had made love I couldn’t seem to say no. We started seeing each other in America and in London.
* * *
Months after our first meeting, I’m in bed with Simon, watching TV. It’s a detective show. The husband onscreen is promising his wife that he’s not having an affair. He’s lying. An uncomfortable silence hangs between us. We had never used the word ‘affair’ – Simon thought that if he never said it, it meant we weren’t having one. As the scene is playing out, he says, ‘The wife always knows.’
‘Oh yes, we women always know. We’re smarter than men about these things, and better liars,’ I reply.
‘If my girlfriend ever found out, I would blame you, say you made me do it.’ He is smiling now.
‘I know,’ I respond. ‘You’d throw me out in a second to save yourself. How sad is that?’
‘What’s sad?’ He pulls me towards him.
‘That even though you would disown me in a second, I still come back.’ My body is tingling again as I feel him harden next to me.
‘I would miss you if you didn’t.’ His hand slides between my legs.
We sleep with our arms intertwined, just as we’ve always done. In my dreams I see myself and Kevin, driving in his car; Samuel is in the backseat. We look so young. I awake in a cold sweat, Kevin’s name on my lips. I lie in the dark for a moment.
‘Zara,’ Simon whispers. ‘Come here.’
When I lay my head on his chest, he puts his arm around me. I breathe in his scent and feel myself relax. I had been starved of touch for so long. If this was the only place I could get it, then it would have to suffice for now.
I give myself to him, knowing that soon I will have to stop. Soon, but not right now – I’m not ready for another loss.
* * *
We spend the next day walking around Camden Market, picking up trinkets. Simon walked on the opposite side of the street from me, though, paranoid someone would see us together. We would bump into each other at market stalls as if by accident. But once in the car, he can’t keep his hands off me.
‘Simon, you’re like a dirty old man.’
In his bedroom, I slip off my clothes and pace around the room, swaying my hips. ‘So, mister, you want this ass?’ I say in a mock New York accent. ‘You can’t afford it. I want cash. Cash only, you hear me?’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ he says, playing along.
‘You want a picture? That’ll cost you more. Jewellery is fine too.’
I walk over to him and straddle his hips.
‘Cash first.’ I hold out my hand.
He rolls his eyes in amusement.
‘You owe me for treating me so awfully when I was young. How could you do that?’
‘That was twenty years ago!’ He’s laughing as I pin his arms above his head.
‘I don’t care. You deserve to be punished.’ I tease him, enjoying every minute of it. I kiss him on his full mouth. That night we’re lying together in the dark.
‘Simon,’ I begin tentatively, ‘don’t you think it’s weird that we still like each other?’
‘Not really,’ he says.
‘I usually go off men so fast, and yet with you I haven’t.’
‘That’s because you don’t live with me.’ His voice is gentle. ‘But I don’t want you to get confused. I can’t give you any more than this, my girlfriend would be devastated if she knew.’ He has become quiet, serious.
‘So stop,’ I say, a little defensively.
Holding me tighter, he whispers in my ear, ‘Stop seeing you? But who else would dress up in these ridiculous outfits for me?’ He pauses. ‘I do think about you when we’re not together. You know that, don’t you?’
‘No,’ I whisper back, ‘I don’t know, because you never tell me.’
Kissing the top of my head, he says softly, ‘Go to sleep, crazy girl.’
The next morning, I tell him that I’m heading for a divorce. I can hear he’s angry.
‘I told you to stay married and keep seeing me. I’ve told you, I can’t give you any more than what we have now.’
His words make me feel empty, but I don’t express it. Why did I think it would be different this time? I’m angry with myself for being back in this with him.
I call James. ‘Your self-esteem is back in the toilet,’ he tells me frankly. ‘Zara, he doesn’t care about you the way you want him to. He’s made that clear. You just have to face the divorce head on.’ He is gentle; I know he’s right.
‘So, no annihilating myself with drugs until it’s over then?’ I laugh sardonically.
‘No,’ he says. ‘You’ve lost that right. Just keep your knickers on, stay away from bars, and trust that a higher power will carry you through. You’ve been through worse. Just take things one moment at a time.’