Once I received the news that this book was going to be published I was excited but incredibly nervous. I was reminded once more that when one tells the truth about their own story, others will be involved who may have strong feelings about it. I tried to explain to the people I had close relationships with that the focus of this story is mine, that it is written purely from the inner journey of the adoptee. It caused some very difficult, hard conversations. Scared I would lose people that I love, I almost abandoned the whole project. Was I being selfish for telling my truth? Why was I so compelled to go deeper into myself and reveal some very personal things about my life? I didn’t really have the answers. For a long time, all I knew was I needed to share the truth of my journey. Maybe it’s my way of making sense of something that often feels so complicated. For so many years I never had a voice. I lived in silence, I never shared my secret with anyone: the secret of my truth, the truth of my pain, my endless heartache, loss and grief – after all, aren’t us adoptees supposed to feel grateful?

Over the years as I have been asked to share my experience with adopted families I realised that even though a lot has changed in terms of things being talked about, one thing remains the same: there is still a huge silence about the emotional impact adoption causes. Meanwhile many adopted people struggle with their lives. They are over represented in treatment centres and institutions. Some are unable to tell their parents the truth of how they feel in case they hurt them; adopted parents still battle to understand their children’s behaviour. Some shame still lingers that we cannot solve this alone.

I was encouraged to tell the truth so that my story may help others. As I talked it over with my friends and agent, Adrian, it became clearer to me. If I hold back, I’m still doing that little baby adoptee a disservice and therefore I decided to write this book based on as much truth as I feel people can accept and handle. I have changed names and combined situations that I have been through to protect people. The purpose of this book is for the reader to understand the inner journey and my hope is that anyone connected with adoption, addiction or grief in their life may find that my experience resonates with them. So here it is…