your own dusted-over father whispering—
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry …
—Sarah Fox, “Essay on My Memory”
the telephone was ringing again
I was watching a M*A*S*H rerun
again and the telephone kept ringing
it was my dad calling again to ask
my mom why she was destroying
his life because she wanted a divorce
lying on the couch I watched Radar
yelling “choppers!” again while
helicopters delivered too many people
bleeding badly in the Korean War
my dad had almost been sent to fight
in Korea but instead the CIA hired him
to be a spy so he didn’t have to bleed
in a war but eventually he’d call and
ask my mom why she was destroying
his life until she couldn’t listen anymore
she’d hang up and he’d call back and
she’d tell me “just let it ring” and
I wouldn’t move while Radar yelled
“choppers!” in the Korean War again
I wanted to apologize to the telephone
for having to keep ringing while I
watched another rerun of another
war no one understood and I wanted
to apologize to the M*A*S*H 4077th
for having to get bloody trying
to save too many people bleeding
for no good reason except my need
to watch something while I listened
to the telephone ringing again
I wanted to tell my dad I was sorry
that his life was being destroyed and
I wanted to tell my mom I was sorry
that my dad kept asking her why
she was destroying his life
this went on for so long eventually
I couldn’t feel my body anymore
there was a war going on
I was trying not to be a problem
I lay very still on the couch while
Radar yelled “choppers!” and
the telephone rang again and again