Chapter Ten
MAXIM STARED OUT THE window. Bright sunshine greeted him, the sky an endless blue, the lawn easing into the dark green glade. Gently sloping hills blocked the horizon and, over those hills, was Bentley Close.
Arms folded, he stared at where Bentley Close would be. It wasn’t far, not above a half hour’s walk. He remembered making that trek many times, sometimes with Alexandra, sometimes because he wanted to see her. A torrent of memories had returned to him, and Alexandra featured prominently in nearly all of them. Investigating the secret passages of Waithe Hall. Fishing at the lake. Playing cricket on a summer’s day. Holed up in the library while it snowed outside. He also remembered their townhouses in London and traversing through the connecting attic to sneak into her bedchamber. He remembered running through Hyde Park, holding her items as they shopped on Oxford Street, sharing an ice in Convent Garden. He remembered her.
Restlessness turned him from the window to stalk the room. The pile of books on the table beside his chair beckoned, but he couldn’t yet bring himself to focus. His attention was scattered, such he couldn’t keep two thoughts in his head, and agitation made it feel he would jump out of skin.
And all because Alexandra sat in her chair, a lock of hair twisted around a finger.
Notebook in lap, she scribbled in it of an occasion, her pencil between her teeth as she thought. She hadn’t left, even though she’d found the keys, even though there was no reason for her to stay. They’d woken this morning, broken their fast, and she’d taken residence in the library while he’d hauled the sandbags in the conservatory out into the sun to dry. He’d fully expected her to be gone when he returned, or at least with her bag packed and ready to leave, but she’d still been in the library, in her chair, bent over her notebook.
Picking up one of the books, he flipped it open. The words were jumbled and wrong. Frowning, he tried again. Just when he thought it made sense, he lost it. Frustrated beyond measure, he was tempted to throw the book across the room, but that wouldn’t fix the problem. It wouldn’t fix him.
Alexandra scribbled something in her notebook.
He didn’t understand why she was still here. Why wouldn’t she just leave? This was the worst part, the waiting. He knew she would. He knew she would leave, and she wouldn’t come back. He’d never ask her to stay. What was the point? He’d lose her, no matter what he did. Even if he went back to London with her, if he attempted society, she would quickly discover how broken and wrong he was. When his brothers saw him again, they would remember their father’s words, and he would see pity in their eyes, in Alexandra’s eyes, and they would stay with him because it was bad form to abandon a fool, but he would know, he would know that was the only reason they stayed, and he would resent them, and they would resent him, and he’d rather she just left now and be done with it.
God damn it, would wouldn’t she leave? “I won’t go to London,” he said abruptly.
She blinked. “Very well,” she said, and returned to her notes.
She wasn’t listening. “I mean it. I have no desire to move amongst society.”
A crease forming between her brow, she looked up. “Neither do I.”
His chest felt tight. Why was it so tight? “I will tell my brothers, but that is the extent of it. I may even tell them by letter.”
“Your brothers will be pleased. However, I would suggest telling them in person.” She pursed her lips. “Actually, perhaps send a letter before you appear. I should think it would be less shocking that way.”
He stared at her. She didn’t understand. “But I won’t return to London. I will stay here.”
“I have already agreed.” She looked back at her notebook. “I don’t think these notes are detailed enough. Do you think this requires further explanation?” She held out her notebook.
He looked at the notebook, then he looked at her. “I can’t read that.”
The words were stark between them. Setting his jaw, he dared her to comment.
“Of course you can,” she finally said.
“No. The letters will jumble. I cannot read,” he said flatly.
“Right.” Folding her notebook closed, she rose from her chair and went to the desk.
He followed her, restlessness biting him. “What are you doing?”
“Getting a piece of paper,” she said calmly.
God damn, he was spoiling for a fight, and she wouldn’t oblige. “I can see that. Why?”
“I wish to write a letter to our family physician. I am certain he can assist with your affliction.”
“I am not ill. I am defective.”
She expelled a breath. “Honestly, Maxim, I do not know where you get such notions. You are not defective.”
His throat seized. “My father said I was,” he forced out.
“I have no doubt your father regretted his words as soon as he said them.”
“I cannot be fixed, Alexandra.”
“I never said you could be. But if you can’t, we can find a way to work with it.” She scribbled something on the page before her.
A lump formed in his throat. “I cannot, Alexandra. I cannot inflict this on others. My brothers will resent me. You will resent me. You will grow to loathe me, and you will abandon me.” His throat tightened. “You are not to abandon me.”
“I should never abandon you, Maxim,” she said distractedly. “I should think the medical colleges in Edinburgh would be the first place to start, don’t you? George often reads their journals and he is forever spouting nonsense about this study or that. Perhaps I should write George first. What do you think?” She looked at him expectantly.
He stared at her. She continued to look at him, as if what she had said had not shattered worlds. Had not shattered his world.
He looked at the books. At her pen poised over the paper. At her.
“I love you,” he said.
“I know,” she said. “But do you think I should write George?”
He stared at her in disbelief. Something inside him cracked and his knees gave out. Collapsing into his chair, he started to laugh.
She was out of her seat in a flash and before him. “Maxim. Are you well?”
Still laughing, he shook his head. A weight inside him had lifted, and everything seemed right for the first time in years. Since the last time he was with her. Only she would try to help him. Only she had the power to make him think she could.
“Maxim?”
Shaking his head again, he wrapped his arms about her waist and buried himself in her.
Her hand feathered over his hair. “Maxim?”
Closing his eyes, he asked, “Do you love me?”
“Of course.” Her hand passed over his hair again. “Are you well?”
“Yes, I—” Cursing himself, he shook his head again. “I am an idiot.”
She kissed the top of his head. “As long as you can admit it.”
God, he could admit it. He could, because she was with him. Because she loved him. Because, he knew, she didn’t think him stupid. “How was I without you for so long?”
“Well, you were in America and you couldn’t remember anything,” she said. “That more than likely had something to do with it.”
This woman. All his life, it had been her. “You have to marry me,” he said.
“You know, I think I might,” she said slowly. She threaded her fingers through his hair. “I have missed you.”
“I have missed you.” Tugging her down to him, he captured her lips, telling her without words she was all, she was everything, and he was so glad she put up with his nonsense. Another tug and she was in his lap, cradled in his arms as he kissed her and kissed her.
With a sigh, she rested her head on his shoulder, taking his hand in hers. He watched as she played with his hand, measuring their palms, lacing their fingers. “You are not to think yourself stupid, you know. We can work on it. I’ve seen you with the books. The desire is there. We will conquer this.”
He ducked his head. Her hair smelled of lemons and sunshine. How, he had no clue. “I should go to my brothers, shouldn’t I?”
“Yes.”
His lips twitched. “Not even going to argue, are you?”
“No.” She turned to face him more fully. “They are your family. They deserve to know. Besides, everyone needs their family.”
“You need your family, because your parents are normal and your siblings love you. I’m not sure I need mine.”
“Your brothers might surprise you.”
“Doubtful.” But it didn’t mean he shouldn’t try. Especially as she was with him.
They were silent a moment. “Will you stand beside me?” he asked.
Their gazes met. She took his hands in hers. And then she smiled. He felt it all the way to the bottom of his soul. “Always.”