Well, that was one way to stave off a panic attack. Hazel had a feeling Dr. Parks wouldn’t approve, but then, whatever works, right? And she’d been so close to a full-blown panic attack when Sean said those sexy words that pulled her from the brink.
Definitely not something that would be found in psychology texts. Or would it? Hazel’s ology expertise was of the osteological variety. She knew nothing about studies of the mind, which was probably why hers was so messed up.
She let out a soft whimper as Sean slid from her body, his fingers stroking her clit on the dismount. He kissed her neck and whispered, “Don’t think this is over, because we’re just getting started.”
She wanted to sink into those words. She could have Sean. Today. This week. Even next. He’d give her that if she asked. But then he’d leave for the Middle East, taking her heart with him.
If she was to have any dignity left when it came to her feelings for Sean Logan, she had to be the one to end this. She had to be the one to walk away.
So far, she’d done all the begging and he’d done all the rejecting. Time for a role reversal.
Always leave them wanting more, right?
She’d said yes to wild, dirty, outdoor sex. She’d even agreed to no condoms, because if she was going to have Sean only once, it would be as perfect a connection as she could make it. A memory to last until her heart found a way to quit him.
But now, for the first time in the four and a half years of their pathetic association, she was calling the shots. She pushed away from the tree and scooped up her jacket from the ground where he’d dropped it. She patted the pocket and was thankful to find the bandana she always stored there.
She used it to wipe between her legs, cleaning the evidence of Sean’s ejaculation so the walk back to the inn would be more comfortable. Sean reached out, offering to help with the intimate task, but she refused. “No, thanks.”
She shoved the dirty cloth back into her pocket and met his gaze. His brow furrowed. He probably expected her to want to kiss and cuddle.
And she did want that. But if she gave in to it now, it would be that much harder to push him away later. Thankfully, they were in the woods, not entwined in a bed. Really, she couldn’t have planned this better. She’d had her taste of Sean Logan in a way that fulfilled her very first fantasy of him, but without the intimacy that would allow him to see how utterly broken her heart was that he didn’t want more than a passing fling.
She’d known for years she could fall in love with Sean. What she’d never quite realized until this week—maybe she’d just figured it out tonight—was that she was already in love with him, and had been for a long time.
There was no way she could continue with this charade of fake boyfriend/real bodyguard. Her heart would shatter like calcined bone under pressure.
She took Sean’s shirt in her hands. This would be their last kiss. Her goodbye to all the hope she’d had of sharing her life with this man. “Thank you, Sean. That was just what I needed.” She kissed him. His lips were stiff against hers at first, wary. He knew she was withdrawing, and he didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t.
For him, this was the simple start and end of a fling, while for her, she was losing a friendship that had mattered a great deal to her. Hell, she was losing this entire group of friends except her sister and cousin. She’d never belong in this group once she and Sean officially broke up. These were his friends, not hers.
A shame, because she really liked everyone.
All at once, Sean’s mouth relaxed and he deepened the kiss. Showing emotion with his mouth that he never gave her with words. He knew this was a good-bye as much as she did.
Finally, she ended the kiss. Sean’s arm was a tight band around her back, holding her against him, but when she pushed back, he released her.
“Tomorrow, I’ll tell Alec that we no longer require your services. If he still insists I need a bodyguard, he’ll have to hire someone else.”
“It doesn’t have to be this way, Hazel.”
“Don’t worry about your job. I’ll make sure he knows it’s my fault. Not yours.”
“I don’t give a fuck about my job. I’m talking about us.”
“There has never been any us. It was all a charade.”
“But it doesn’t have to end this way. Now.”
“Yes. It does.” It’s the only way I can protect myself from completely falling apart. “I told you before we screwed, this was all we’d have. I meant it.”
His nostrils flared. “I guess I didn’t believe you.”
Frankly, she hadn’t believed herself either. She was rather proud she’d followed through, considering he was the one thing she wanted in the world. But she was taking care of herself, which should have been her focus all along. “You don’t want me, Sean. I’m more broken than not.” She glanced over at the tree she’d held on to as he thrust inside her. “I was about three steps from a full-blown panic attack. This method of dealing with it wasn’t…conventional, but I’m thankful just the same.”
Sean’s eyes widened, and he stepped back. “I took advantage of you while you were losing it?”
She shook her head. “No. You helped me. But I really need to take it from here if I’m going to get better. Can’t always count on you to be there to fuck me back to my senses, can I? Not when you’re heading to the Middle East. I’ve got to figure this out on my own.”
“I’m sorry—”
She waved him off. “Don’t be. I enjoyed it. A lot.” She leaned forward and stroked his cheek. He’d shaved right before the wedding, and his skin was silky smooth. “You are every bit the amazing lover I knew you’d be. I’m glad I got a sample.”
That last part might’ve sounded insulting. She couldn’t really tell, but she meant it. What she didn’t say was how much she would cherish the memory of their hot, dirty, fantasy-fulfillment screw.
He caught her wrist when she would’ve turned to walk away. His eyes burned with remorse and anger, as if he didn’t know which emotion to go with. “Don’t do this, Hazel.”
“Do what? Walk away from you after fucking you? Isn’t that what you’d planned to do to me?”
His eyes widened, and he stepped back. “So this was revenge? To put me in my place?”
She shook her head. “No. It was just a screw. Because I wanted to try you at least once.” Then she turned and walked away.
Sean couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. One moment, he had everything he wanted in the world, and the next, she was walking away from him.
And once again, it was his own stupid fault.
He never reacted rationally to Hazel, because she’d spun him up and tied him in knots for years. The woman he’d always wanted but never thought he could have.
And now he’d had her, and she was rejecting him. He wanted to hold on to anger, but how could he? He’d screwed her as she was fighting a panic attack? What kind of asshole did that?
He should have recognized what was happening. After her appointment with Dr. Parks, Hazel had explained the techniques he could employ to help her. And nowhere on the list of grounding exercises was banging her in the woods.
He followed her through the trees. A chill breeze licked through the leaves, making a soft rattling sound. The air smelled of crisp, dry earth, but he still had Hazel’s scent on his body and the memory of the sweet, chocolate nutty oil that permeated her skin and teased him as he’d kissed her neck and thrust inside her.
All at once, a gust whipped through the leaves, the cold portent of fall. Hazel wore her skimpy dress, sneakers, and a lightweight coat. She shivered as she marched ahead of him.
A loud crack sounded, the unmistakable sound of a bullet. He dove for Hazel, pushing her to the ground, covering her body with his own. The only protection he could give her.
A moment later, a massive boom rang out as light flared beyond the woods, illuminating the dark night.
That could be only one thing. An explosion. Inside or near the inn.