Discovering Your Dominance Quotient
For some must follow and some command.
—LONGFELLOW
It has been said that there are two kinds of people in this world, people who think there are two kinds of people and people who don’t. I maintain the world is made up of givers and takers, dominants and submissives, tops and bottoms—each pair in a symbiotic relationship like that between seamed stockings and stilettos.
The BDSM community is a place where desires you’ve only confessed to your best friend in her dorm room at Deerfield are perfectly acceptable. But whether you yearn to be a toy in a sensualist’s FAO Schwartz or have a maid who can bring new meaning to “Her Majesty’s Service,” it is basic D/s protocol to be able to properly identify yourself as dominant or submissive.
This identification is critical because there is only one constant in a D/s relationship: one partner must have the dominant role, and one the submissive. If this basic guideline isn’t followed, you will have two strong forces battling for control, or two submissive personalities clamoring to outdo each other in the rigors of service (a deplorable situation, although one that always leaves the bathroom immaculate).
D/scisions, D/scisions
Just as you must decide on chintz or silk for your curtains, so too must you decide whether to emphasize your dominant or submissive tendencies before you can become a player.
For some, this is an easy choice. My friend Dale once told me she realized she had submissive tendencies when she saw a spanking scene in a movie and it occurred to her she wanted to know what it felt like. I confessed I had had a similarly enlightening experience at the yacht club, but my reaction was “Wow, I have to learn how to tie that knot!”
For others, it may take some experimentation or soul searching to decide which side of the paddle they prefer. If a woman consistently chooses bikini waxing over a manicure, she has undeniable submissive tendencies. If she prefers using her Epilady, she is a full-fledged masochist. Or if a man always finds himself insisting that people refer to him as “Mr. Brown” or “Dr. Brown,” that is an indication of his dominant nature, or at least a measure of the amount of stuffing in his shirt.
Having people identify items that best express their secret sexual longings can also be very telling, although some situations are trickier than others. I once knew a lovely couple from Newport who ran into difficulties when he donned a diaper and she a Catholic schoolgirl’s skirt. It took a great deal of time, as well as a weekend submersion session of Lina Wertmuller films, before they were able to reach a symbiosis with the roles they had chosen.
Domination 101
You have dominant tendencies if you are, or aspire to be, the prime orchestrator in the bedroom. However, good dominants should possess other important qualities.
Excellence in communication is one of the keys to being in control, and being in control is the key to being a good dominant. A good dominant states her preferences in a manner that is consistent, straightforward, and respectful. Similarly, she issues instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.
A good working knowledge and willingness to learn the safe execution of BDSM activities is also an important characteristic of a dominant. She must be able to control her environment, her partner, and—most important—herself.
Dominants are no better than submissives, just different. Altruistic and compassionate to others, they understand that the world does not revolve around them. Except when it does.
Trust You, Truss Me
You gotta serve somebody.
—BOB DYLAN
If you enjoy putting yourself out to do things for others, or if the thought of being instructed sexually makes you hot, you register on the submissive spectrum. This may be evidenced by heartfelt pleasure in serving your partner like a highly trained geisha or by sexual arousal when playing with sensory experiences like being tied up or spanked.
An educated submissive uses his head and not other libido-driven body parts when selecting a dominant, either for a BDSM scene or a relationship. This is critical because the sub must be able to trust his partner to safely lead him through the most formidable of BDSM activities.
Closely related to the ability to trust is a willingness to obey. Debates about who is going to do what to whom and when is antithetical to the dynamic of a BDSM relationship. In addition, through obedience during play, a submissive takes an active role in ensuring his or her own safety.
Submissives must also have good communication skills (especially those “unspoken” ones). The more easily they can express their desires, fears, and limits to a dominant, the more likely they are to have a satisfying experience.
Submissive and needy are not synonymous. Most dominants do not wish to be your knight in shining armor 24/7.
Would a Domme by any Other Name Swat as Sweet?
The BDSM community has many different words for dominant and submissive. Here are some common terms and distinctions.
DOMINANT TYPES
DOMINANT (DOM/DOMME): The person in charge of a BDSM relationship. Dom is used when referring to a male dominant and domme to the female counterpart.
DOMINATRIX: A female, sometimes professional, dominant.
MASTER/MISTRESS: Respective male and female terms for an experienced dominant. These terms are also used when referring to a dominant significant other in a BDSM relationship. For example, “I bought Master a new flogger last week,” or “Tell your mistress I found you to be very well behaved.”
SADIST: A person who enjoys giving pain.
TOP: A person who sexually dominates a submissive, but does not control other aspects of their relationship.
SUBMISSIVE TYPES
BOTTOM: A person who is submissive during a BDSM scene, but not within the other aspects of a relationship.
SUBMISSIVE (SUB): A person who surrenders physical and mental control within an intimate BDSM relationship, but is generally independent and in control of his or her life otherwise (unless she is a woman trying to get the remote control from her lover).
SLAVE: A person who feels an intense level of submission toward his or her dominant partner, often within the context of a live-in relationship. Sometimes used synonymously for submissive.
MASOCHIST: A person who enjoys receiving pain.
SAM (SMART-ASS MASOCHIST): A masochist or bottom who deliberately provokes a dominant; a brat.
OTHER TYPES
LEATHERMAN/WOMAN: The segment of the gay and lesbian community that practices BDSM.
SWITCH: Switches enjoy both dominant and submissive roles. They are excellent people to know if your dungeon party has too many guests of one predilection or another.
“Yes, Sir, Domme”
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
—SHAKESPEARE
People often ask me to clear up their confusion about nomenclature in the sadomasochistic community. Are all masters doms? Is a submissive the same as a slave? Why did the masochist refuse to tie me up?
Like the federal tax codes, there are no hard and fast rules. And like food labeling, there isn’t any regulating mechanism in place to keep D/s players from pretty much calling themselves anything they like.
The first thing to remember is, as with other appellations, there are those words that are titular and those that are descriptive. Titular words such as Lord or Master are the most confusing for beginners, for just like vintners from Bordeaux, people are forever attaching their names to those who have achieved success or renown.
Players often have their own highly thought out and personal reasons for why they choose to call themselves Mistress over Madam, but beginners need only remember one thing: nine out of ten times, people who use a title are dominant. Keeping this in mind will help you find the partner of your dreams, whether it be online or at a club or social event. While some dominants prefer that their bottoms address them by their particular title, unless you are told otherwise, think of Dom, Mistress, and Sir as being equivalent.
If you enter into a relationship or even a one-spank stand with a dominant, a good rule of thumb is that as in everything else, dominants are called as they wish to be, and call submissives as they wish to.
On the other hand, descriptive appellations can be a major help in understanding what an individual’s preferences are. Masters, doms, mistresses, and tops all have one thing in common. They will expect their partners to willingly yield to them. Similarly, subs, slaves, and bottoms are all people who surrender control.
Members of the gay community who also enjoy the nuances of sadomasochism have their own nomenclature. The terms leatherman and leatherwoman are generic identifiers, whereas some female dominants like to be called Daddy, just as some male submissives respond well to Boy.
While a rose by any other name may smell as sweet, a mistress who is asked to kneel may forever hold a grudge, so it is important part of D/s etiquette to keep these basic guidelines in mind.
Here is a simple quiz to help you determine if you are dominant or submissive. This should save you hours of introspection and permit you to get on to the most important part of D/s, the shopping. . .I mean, the sex. Be comfortable with your results, and remember, unlike being locked into that dreadful time share in Hilton Head, you can always change your mind.
D/tails:
Are You Dominant or Submissive?
1. You’re at a restaurant with six other people and there is some question as to who will order first. You. . .
a) patiently wait until it’s your turn.
b) order first, just for you.
c) order for the whole table.
d) peel the gag off your girlfriend and have her say, “The usual for my master.”
2. While getting a rectal exam, you. . .
a) get really disgusted.
b) wonder if you will ever be able to get aroused again.
c) moan, as usual.
d) back into the finger.
3. You are walking by a hardware store. Something in the window catches your eye. . .
a) Some PVC piping.
b) The chain on the snow tire.
c) The clothespins on the laundry rack.
d) The hooks holding the sign up.
4. In your Range Rover, you. . .
a) never wear a seat belt.
b) always wear a seat belt.
c) pull the seat belt extra tight.
d) wrap the seat belt around your ankles and wrists, too.
5. Going through your closet, looking for something to wear to a wedding, your color choices are. . .
a) faded black.
b) black.
c) brand new black.
d) black leather.
6. You are on a job interview. Your potential boss says he wants someone to run his life. You. . .
a) hand him the personals from this week’s alternative paper.
b) give him your mother’s phone number.
c) have him put his feet flat on the floor with his hands spread on the table.
d) peel down to your leather underwear and start scrubbing the floor.
7. If you had to pick a celebrity dom role model you are most like, it would be. . .
a) Charlton Heston.
b) Charles Bronson.
c) Prince Charles.
d) Charles Nelson Reilly.
8. While on a dinner date, your partner says “Feed me.” You. . .
a) slip her a forkful of spaghetti.
b) order “Death by Chocolate” and two spoons.
c) slip her a forkful of champagne.
d) fall to your knees between her legs and then say, “Oh, I thought you said ‘Eat me.’”
9. Your favorite scotch is. . .
a) Chivas.
b) Dewars.
c) Pinch.
d) Cutty.
10. If you had to pick a celebrity domme role model you are most like, it would be. . .
a) June Cleaver.
b) Cher.
c) Madonna.
d) Cruella De
Ville.
11. You are deciding on a new hobby and are leaning toward. . .
a) macramé.
b) leathercraft.
c) witchcraft.
d) body piercing.
12. The metal detector at the airport goes off from. . .
a) your pocket flashlight.
b) your nipple clamp.
c) your handcuffs.
d) your chastity belt.
13. While you’re asleep, your apartment is broken into. You. . .
a) insist on being tied up.
b) help pick matching scarves for your gag.
c) complain that you can reach the knot.
d) boast that your handcuffs are better.
14. When you scan the personal ads in your local paper, the words that catch your eye are. . .
a) long walks.
b) long walks on the beach.
c) long walks on the beach in heels.
d) long walks on the beach in shackles.
15. You are at the race track and you. . .
a) wonder how many jockeys it would take to serve you.
b) can’t help but notice if you stacked two jockeys, their mouths would be in the nicest places.
c) wonder if the harnesses come in a size 2.
d) are impressed the gag bits match your Guccis.
16. Your date asks you to do “The Whip.” You. . .
a) are disappointed that she is referring to the name of the dance.
b) request more bare backs.
c) wonder where the damn whip is?
d) put in a request to dance “The Crop” next.
17. You have a $50 gift certificate to a pet store. You. . .
a) wonder if $50 would cover the stud fee for a really large Great Dane.
b) buy a gerbil.
c) make a deposit on a steel cage large enough for your lover.
d) buy a dog collar although you own a blue-tip Siamese.
18. You are going backpacking and can pack only one pair of shoes. You take. . .
a) hiking boots.
b) motorcycle boots.
c) mules.
d) stiletto heels.
19. You are named the chairperson of a major fundraising ball. The theme you choose is. . .
a) Arabian Nights.
b) Easy Rider.
c) Betty Page: The Irwin Klaw Years.
d) The Spanish Inquisition.
20. Your most generous term of affection is:
a) Babe.
b) Kissy-toes.
c) Master.
d) Panty-slut.
If you scanned over up to five questions, then went on to something else, you have strong dom tendencies.
If you read more than five items, but did not keep track of your score, you have moderate dom tendencies.
If you read the whole quiz, answered some questions, and then skipped ahead to read this, you have moderate sub tendencies.
If you read and answered all questions, and did not look at this key until you had permission to do so, you have strong sub tendencies.