Everything feels far away. Colours are muted and sounds are toned down. I feel like I’m under water, moving slowly, sinking.
Drowning.
The sense of déjà vu hits me, but I don’t have the blind panic I felt when Onyx was shot.
Shot. There was a bang. A gunshot.
Water – or is it blood? – rushes in my ears and I’m slammed back into the present, gasping for breath like my head really did just break the surface of a death-defying wave.
I cough and splutter, my eyes watering from the effort of trying to catch my breath.
When my vision returns to normal, Laura is lying on the ground. Why?
I look around and there’s so much blood. Where did it come from?
The cool metal of the gun slips from my hand, and Debbie jumps to catch it before it hits the ground. Why was I holding a gun?
My legs give out and I fall to the floor.
Fuck. Laura is dead. She’s on the ground because she’s dead. The blood is because she was shot. She was shot by the gun I was holding. My gun. I shot her . I killed her.
Oh my god, I killed someone.
What have I done?!
Tears roll down my cheeks. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t intend to—
“I know you didn’t mean it. Now, you listen to me,” Camilla states firmly, taking my face between her hands to draw my attention away from the dead body on the ground and onto her instead. It takes several attempts before her face comes into focus. “You need to dig deep and pull yourself together. The first time is always the hardest. Just breathe.”
“I made a mess,” I cry. “I’m supposed to graduate.” I have no idea why these particular concerns are the ones coming out of my mouth right now when I should be sobbing about being a murderer and not getting blood on my Louboutins.
Elsie is going to kill me.
A hysterical laugh bubbles up my throat and escapes my lips before I can stop it. I shouldn’t be laughing right now.
Someone just died .
“I’ll go and get you a new gown, these things are easily fixed. You stay here with Debbie and everything will be okay.”
I nod, and Debbie helps me to my feet. My hands shake and I try to breathe but my chest hurts. The smell…I retch.
“Let’s step outside,” Debbie suggests. “Just for a minute. No one will see.”
As we shuffle to the door she pulls the small blind on the door closed, and locks the room behind her. Debbie types out a message on her phone as we stand in silence.
I’m numb. Cold. Shaking.
Frost appears around the corner and when his eyes fall on me he blanches. His gaze turns to Debbie and he rushes forward but she steps up to meet him, leaving me alone, but only really a few metres away. They have a hushed, heated sort of argument before Frost approaches, picks me up, and takes me to a nearby bathroom. Debbie follows, still tapping away on her phone.
It strikes me that Laura was doing something similar before…
A heaving great sob breaks free from my chest as Frost places me back on my feet in front of a sink, and he and Debbie try to clean me up with warm water, school soap and rough paper towels.
I want to tell them to be mindful of my makeup, that Elsie will kick their asses otherwise, but no words come out.
“Amelie, listen to me,” Frost demands. I blink once, twice, three times and his serious face blurs into focus before me. “We will make this disappear. I can get Baxter and we don’t even have to tell Monty or the guys. It will stay between us.”
I’m grateful that Frost would be willing to risk his life for me but I can’t let him do that. I shake my head, but it feels like wading through treacle. Every movement is so heavy. My words come out sluggish and thick around my dry mouth.
“No…I want to…tell them but…can we…let them graduate…first?”
Frost nods just as Camilla joins us in the bathroom with a new gown. Debbie must have texted her or something to know where to find us.
I still feel out of it, like I’m missing snippets of conversation as my consciousness keeps getting pulled back into that room with the body and the blood…
So much blood.
I look down at myself and whimper. Debbie and Frost have done a decent job but my outfit is destroyed.
“I’ll wait outside while you change, but we will fix this and everything will be okay,” Frost promises.
He leaves the bathroom and Debbie helps me remove the gown that I’m wearing and to put the new one on. I’m no help at all actually. I stand like a statue, an unyielding mannequin that she has to dress. I’m supposed to be a grown ass adult and here I am, letting my mum dress me like a baby.
It’s a first for both of us.
Silent tears stream down my face, and I don’t do a thing to try and stop them.
I don’t even think to see if blood got on my clothes under my gown. Should I change? Do I have time? What would I tell Elsie? She spent hours finding the perfect outfit for me. What would I even put on instead?
“There isn’t time for that. You’ll do for now and we can sort everything out straight after the ceremony. Don’t worry, child.”
My shoes. There’s blood on those. When I walk on stage—
“I’ll clean your shoes.” Debbie drops to her knees and wipes at my pumps. “I’ll tell them that I did it, I can go back into hiding again.”
“No. I will tell them it was me,” I reply with effort. I have to force myself into the present, back into the room. I take a deep breath and wipe away my tears. I can do this. I am strong. I have to do this.
For my guys.
“I refuse to tell them until after.” I feel strongly about this. I need them to have just one normal experience before they give up everything for me.
“Then we’ll hide the body until you tell them. Then you can decide what to do.”
“Okay,” I whisper and nod my head. The moment is smoother this time, less difficult to complete.
I wiggle my fingers and toes, testing. I unlock my knees and don’t fall to the floor. I can do this.
“I have some friends that could make it look like an accident,” Debbie offers.
“Laura was sitting in the audience, she’s been seen. I’ll just wait, but thank you. I need to go back out there before anyone comes looking for me.”
“You’re done,” Debbie tells me.
Camilla takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. “Don’t you worry, my child. It was kinder and faster than she deserved.”
We all head back out towards the stage, flanked by Frost. He nods at me. He’s got my back. He won’t say anything.
I can hear the kid who is giving his speech talking about how amazing the school is as Monty rounds the stage at the same time as us and we all stop abruptly.
“Amelie, have you seen your...Laura?”
Guilt washes over me. I am going to have to tell him that I killed her. I’m going to have to tell him that she never loved him.
“She was on the phone to someone and she saw Amelie and made her upset. So I suggested that maybe she shouldn’t be here today,” Camilla replies smoothly and Monty nods.
“I need to take my seat,” I say and rush away on stiff, wooden legs. Without family by my side I don’t feel as strong and capable. My steps are jerky and unnatural but I keep my head down and push my way through to my seat.
With my eyes on the stage, I attempt to focus on whoever is talking. I could have sworn some nerdy guy was supposed to talk today, but maybe I’m wrong because the guy speaking looks…buff. More like an athlete or something. He doesn’t look at all familiar, but it’s not like I’ve been here long enough to know everyone – especially fourth years.
My head swarms with information and flashbacks. I can barely focus. What’s wrong with me?