Al-Shirbīnī, who completed his Hazz al-quḥūf in 1097/1686, is the author of a remarkable work, entitled (in the recent editor’s translation) Brains Confounded by the Ode of Abū Shādūf Expounded (elsewhere I have myself rendered the somewhat ambiguous words Hazz al-quḥūf as The Nodding Noddles, or Jolting the Yokels).1099 It describes the Egyptian fellahin in an endless array of anecdotes, stories and poems, mocking them as brutish and stupid yokels (but at the same time exposing their pitiful circumstances to such an extent that one modern Arab scholar has interpreted the book as a J’accuse directed at the Ottoman rulers). The first half of the book is a general description of the peasants; the second half is written as a mock commentary on a poem in colloquial Arabic supposedly written by a peasant called Abū Shādūf, which satirizes traditional philological scholarship as well as the fellahin.
The following story, written in simple prose with the peasant speaking Egyptian dialect, has been chosen because it is another version of the burlesque ending of al-Tanūkhī’s tale “The Prisoner of War,” translated above (see p. 230). The story exists in many versions in other cultures; for a version involving a pope and a rabbi, see Cray, “The Rabbi Trickster,” 342–43.
Our shaykh told us that some years ago a Persian came to Cairo (may God protect it) where he met its vizier. He told him he was a Persian scholar and that nobody rivalled him in knowledge. He so impressed the vizier and others with his words that the vizier took a shine to the man, whom he held in high esteem. The vizier asked him, “Are you able to engage in a debate with the ulema of the Azhar Mosque?”
“Certainly. I shall ask them a question in your presence, and if they give the right answer I will be at their command; if not, I can boast that I am better than they are.”
The vizier sent for the Azhar ulema (may God support them and make them the imams of the Muslims until the Day of Judgment). Once they had arrived and the place had filled up with people, he explained the matter to them. They said, “Let that Persian ask whatever he likes.”
The Persian stood before them and began to ask questions using gestures without any words being uttered. The ulema said, “Vizier, gestures are used only with the deaf and dumb. We don’t know what he is saying.”
But the vizier told them that they had to reply to his question; he insisted on this because he liked the Persian very much. So they said to him, “Give us three days respite, so that we can consult the other shaykhs.”
The vizier granted this. The ulema (may God preserve them) left him and said to one another, “How shall we rebut this Persian and send him back to his country in defeat?”
One of them said, “I think we should look for some yokel or bumpkin from the countryside who knows neither sky from earth nor length from breadth. Let’s make him our shaykh and dress him like one of the ulema. We’ll walk behind him and go with him to the vizier and say to him, ‘This is our shaykh and he will answer the Persian.’ We’ll treat the Persian the way he deserves to be treated; we’ll set the dog on the swine.”
He and a number of others went to search for someone of that description. They found a country bumpkin, tall, with a broad neck, thick legs, a large beard, wearing a high bonnet on his head, and a woolen cloak that reached to his knees. He was sitting in a shop, eating boiled eggs; he had one egg left when they entered. Seeing them come in he thought they wanted to take his egg from him, so he took it and put it into his bonnet, on the inside. He wanted to make a run for it but they grabbed hold of him. He said, “I’m under your protection, O poets!”
They said, “Don’t be scared, fellah, you have nothing to be afraid of.”
“I’m scared that you’ll take me to my master and that he’ll cut off my head! I’ve never before been to Cairo in my life before this year. I was hungry and had only four eggs left. I boiled them1101 and ate three; one is left. I got scared when I saw you and put it inside my bonnet. I owe money to the authorities; I’m in arrears for two piastres!”
“All we want is to do you a favor. If you cooperate with us we’ll give you the two piastres, we’ll give you a meal and make you happy.”
“Well, if you’ve got a well to be dug or a wall to be torn down, or earth to be carried or dung, I’ll do it in one hour flat! Or if you’ve got a fight, then give me a cudgel and I’ll give them a beating: even if there’s a thousand of them, I’ll floor them all.”
“That is not what we are after. We only want to make you out as our shaykh and present you to a foreigner, a Persian. He will ask you a question and you will answer him and have the better of him. But this Persian will speak in gestures, so you must speak to him the way he speaks to you.”
“Take me to the pimp! And if you want me to beat him up I’ll punch him in the face and kill him, even if it’s in the presence of the sultan or the vizier. I’ve killed often, and stolen too, when I’ve had to pay money to the sultan. I’ll give that Persian a right drubbing!”
So they took him with them, dressed him up like a jurist, and placed a round turban on top of his bonnet. He put the egg inside his breast pocket and they said to him, “Leave it here until you get back!”
But he replied, “Upon your life, I won’t leave it behind ’cause it’s the egg of my hen, the first she laid. I’m going to eat it when I get hungry.”
So they told him he could keep it on him. They accompanied him to the vizier’s, just as they were, and found the Persian sitting before him. The vizier stood up and received them with all honor. They said, “This is our shaykh; he will answer the Persian’s questions.”
The Persian was sitting down with his legs crossed, the polite way, like a student; the fellah sat down too, but with his legs stretched, and not caring about the formality of the gathering, as if he were in a cattle pen. When the Persian saw this he was greatly impressed; he said to himself, “If this man isn’t one of the great ulema he would not show his contempt for the gathering by stretching out his legs in the presence of the vizier!”
Then the Persian asked his questions by means of gestures, demanding an answer. He raised one finger. The fellah put up two fingers. The Persian raised his hand toward the sky. The fellah put one of his hands on the floor. Then the Persian produced a box from his pocket, opened it, took out a small chick, and threw it toward the fellah. The fellah remembered the egg in his bonnet;1102 he removed it and threw it to the Persian. Thereupon the Persian shook his head and expressed his amazement. He said to the vizier and the other ulema, “He has answered the questions I have put to him. I swear I shall become one of his pupils and followers!”
The vizier then honored the fellah and the ulema, who were victorious. Once they had left they asked the fellah, “We have understood neither the true nature of the questions nor that of the answers. Explain them to us!”
The fellah said, “What a shame! You’re jurists but you can’t answer people’s questions! When I sat opposite him I looked at his face and saw that he had the eyes of a traitor; they were red. He was angry and he gestured to me with his finger, saying ‘Careful, or else I’ll poke out your eye with this finger of mine!’ So I also gestured to him and I said, ‘If you poke out my eye with your finger, I’ll poke out both your eyes with these two fingers of mine!’ and I raised them in his face. Then he lifted his hand toward the roof, telling me, ‘If you don’t obey I’ll crucify you on the roof!’ So I put my hand on the floor, telling him, ‘If you try to do to me what you’re saying I’ll wipe the floor with you and beat the demons out of your body!’ Now when he saw that I was having the better of him and getting the upper hand, he got out a small chick, showing me that he eats chicken every day and always has fine food and drink. So I produced the boiled egg and showed him that I had a fine meal too, with my boiled egg. That’s how I defeated him and answered his questions.”
When they heard the fellah’s words and understood what he had meant they got up and went to the Persian. They sat with him and asked him about the answers. He said, “All my life I have been questioning scholars and disputing with them like this. But that shaykh of yours is the only one who has understood my questions.”
“Tell us about you questions and their true nature!”
“Well, I raised my finger for him, indicating that God is One. Then he raised two fingers for me, indicating that there is no second to God. Then I raised my hand, indicating that God ‘has raised up heaven without pillars.’1103 Then he put his hand on the earth, meaning ‘and He spread out the earth on water that had become solid.’1104 Then I took out the chick for him to see, indicating that ≪He brings forth the living from the dead.≫1105 And he got out his egg, meaning ≪and He brings forth the dead from the living.≫1106 Thus he comprehensively answered all my questions. I have never met a more learned person.”1107
They realized that the fellah had meant one thing and the Persian another, as the poet said:
She went east and I1108 went west: and O how far
the eastward and the westward bound!
This burlesque story should be compared with the refined and florid description of a visit to the bath by al-Ḥaymī al-Kawkabānī that follows it.
It happened that three country bumpkins wanted to go to town. They traveled until they were close. The oldest, the clever one, said, “Cairo is all Turkish mamluks and soldiers who cut off heads and we’re just peasants. If we don’t act like them and jabber in Turkish like they do, they’ll cut off our heads.”
His friends said to him, “Abū Da‘mūm, we don’t know Turkish or anything!”
“I learned Turkish ages ago when I sat knee-to-knee with the overseer and the Christian.”1110
His friends said to him, “Teach us Turkish, then!”
“When we arrive in the town we’ll go to the hammam which they say is paradise on earth.1111 We’ll have a bath there and wash our skins. They say there’s a deep hole in which they piss and shit. After we’ve come out of that paradise on earth and we’ve stood up and wrapped ourselves in our cloaks and are done, I’ll say to you, ‘Qardāsh Muḥammad,’1112 and you say ‘Here I am and hāh nawār,’1113 then I’ll say, ‘Have you got bīr munqār?’,1114 meaning ‘a jadīd;’1115 then you say ‘Yoq yoq,’ meaning ‘We’ve got nothing.’ Then the bath superintendent will be afraid of us and he’ll say to himself, ‘Those are foreign mamluks who will cut off our heads,’ and they’ll let us go without paying. People will fear us and we’ll be like emirs in Cairo. The news about us will spread in the village that we have become emirs and jabber in Turkish and the shaykhs of the village will be afraid of us and they’ll stop telling us what to do once and for all.”
His friends said, “That’s a good proposition, Abū Da‘mūm.”
So they set off for Cairo. They asked for the hammam and were shown where it was. They went inside, took off their woolen robes and threw off their cloaks and many layers of clothing until they were naked, just as they would do in ponds and wells. The bath attendant said to them, “Cover yourselves!”
They wanted to grab their mantles to cover themselves, but the servants in the bath threw them some old towels, rejects of the hammam. Reluctantly, they tied these round their private parts, but their genitals remained mostly uncovered, their pricks hanging down. They entered the bath like water buffalo bulls, or billy goats, and went right inside the hammam, where they washed off the dirt and soot. They plunged into the basins like bulls or kids. They came out again, making the floor shake, looking like bulls and cows. They put on their woolen robes and wrapped themselves in those many layers, put their cudgels on their shoulders and wanted to leave without further ado. But the superintendent of the hammam shouted to them, “Hey you pimps, you’ve got to pay, you blackguards!”
The eldest of them turned round and said to his friends, “Qardāsh Muḥammad!”
They answered, “Here we are, and hāh nawār!”
“Have you got bīr minqār?” (meaning a jadīd coin).
“Yoq yoq!” (meaning, we haven’t got anything).
The bath superintendent said, “You oafs, when did you learn this broken Turkish, and turn yourselves into grandees and emirs? What’s all this shitty Turkish! I swear by God, none of you pimps leaves until he’s paid the fee and extra; else take off your mantles as a security!”
He ordered his servants to pummel and beat them and take their mantles from them. They left and arranged for the money by borrowing it from the people of their village, then retrieved their mantles, and went on their way.