WHAT A DOLL

The people who came up with these dolls must have been as empty-headed as the dolls themselves.

NEEDIES (2005)

Manufactured by Codependent Designs, which says Needies are “like rain on a sunshiny day.” They’re depressed, emotionally fragile…and needy. Dannie, Mossie, and Brettie require constant hugging and squeezing, which they reward by dishing out flattering compliments. Stop hugging them and they cry. And if you’re hugging another Needie doll (which they can sense via an electronic hookup), they’ll bad-mouth the other doll. The company says these dolls are inspired by “codependent, high-maintenance relationships.”

C. B. MCHAUL (1977)

In the late 1970s, American pop culture had a brief obsession with truck drivers. There were the Smokey and the Bandit films and the hit song “Convoy,” about truckers communicating via another 1970s fad, the CB radio. Trying to cash in on the fad, Mego Toys released a line of eight truck driver dolls (the main character was C. B. McHaul, an obvious rip-off of C. W. McCall, who’d recorded the hit song “Convoy”). When the dolls flopped, they were McHauled to the dump.

TYSON (1999)

Tyson was a 13-inch doll that looked a lot like Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken. But where Ken was available in different skin colors, Tyson came in only one version: African American. That wasn’t the only difference: Tyson was muscular, anatomically correct, and homosexual. According to manufacturer Totem International, Tyson was “the world’s first black gay doll.” Totem was promptly sued by boxer Mike Tyson and model Tyson Beckford, both of whom are African American and bald—but not homosexual—and feared people might think the doll was based on them. So Totem took the doll off the market, right? Nope. Both lawsuits were withdrawn and the doll was released in 1999. (And it’s still available.)

Most American ice-cream trucks play “Turkey in the Straw.” British trucks play “Greensleeves.”