TESSA FOUND IT hard to believe, but the evidence was right in front of her. Noah Brennan was smiling. Granted, he was also being licked aggressively by a seventy-pound golden retriever named Sadie, which should make anyone smile. But given Noah’s reluctance with animals, she was both surprised and pleased at how he’d embraced their time at the animal clinic.
As he attempted to wrangle Sadie into the oversize stainless-steel bathtub, Tessa tried giving him a few tips.
“Don’t push her, you’re never going to get anywhere doing that. Try getting her to walk up the ramp on her own.”
Noah pointed at the bottom edge of the ramp that led up to the tub, but Sadie wasn’t interested. She turned her head to give Noah a wet kiss on the cheek.
“Ugh. Can we get Sadie a breath mint, please?”
Tessa suppressed the urge to giggle. “We’ll try brushing her teeth after this.”
Noah wrestled the dog into position. “Come on, girl. Just up and into the bath.”
Sadie sat down instead. Noah groaned and straightened.
“I have now decided that dog groomers have the most difficult job in the world,” he announced. “We need a raise.”
“We’re doing this for free,” Tessa reminded him.
“Then we are definitely grossly underpaid and should go on strike. Don’t you agree, Sadie?”
Sadie stood to her feet, turned and walked up the ramp and into the bath, as easily as if all one had to do was ask. Noah stared, and Tessa couldn’t restrain herself anymore. She burst out laughing.
She swallowed back her amusement and said, “Come on, let’s get her washed.”
They joined forces to lather Sadie with soap and rinse her off. Working hip to hip with Noah Brennan was a novel, and not entirely unpleasant, experience. She saw him at the hospital every day, but they were rarely in such close proximity. Their torsos brushed together frequently as Tessa tried to keep Sadie still and Noah hosed down the animal’s fur. Tessa hoped it was his concentration on his task, and not her nearness, that made him suddenly very quiet.
When they finished with the dog, they both took a hasty step back as Sadie shook herself dry, sending water droplets flying. Though Tessa didn’t appreciate getting splattered, the action at least broke any tension that had been building between her and Noah. They both laughed as they wiped water off their faces.
“It seems that every time I’m around you, I’m fated to get drenched,” Noah remarked without malice.
“That’s the risk you take when you’re my friend,” she lightly replied.
She realized she’d said something significant when he turned to her, his expression thoughtful, his eyes intent on hers.
“Are we that? Friends?” he asked her, his voice radiating a vulnerability that tugged at her heart. “I know I haven’t exactly made your job easy.”
“Well, I always did appreciate a challenge,” she quipped.
He looked uncertain at her response, so she touched a hand reassuringly on his arm. “Of course we’re friends, Noah.”
He had, after all, shared his secret with her, the emotional burden that kept him weighted to his guilt and grief. She only wished she had the courage to do the same.
But her need to keep her own secret didn’t mean they weren’t friends. After all, she hadn’t even told her family the truth behind what had happened two years ago.
Her words seemed to comfort Noah. He looked back to where Sadie was sniffing at the lingering soap bubbles in the bath.
“Okay, what’s next?” Noah gamely questioned.
They spent the rest of the morning helping with the animals, grooming three dogs, two cats, a hamster and one very wily ferret before Tessa announced they were finished.
Noah breathed a sigh of relief. “I am not sure how you did this job every day.”
She finished rinsing down the grooming tub and blew a hair out of her face. “Oh, it’s not so bad. It can be exhausting, but it’s very satisfying, too.”
“I imagine it is,” he said.
She bit her lip, wondering if he felt that way about his own work. Surely saving children’s lives was a far more gratifying experience. Or maybe he didn’t think that way since every life he helped to save was a reminder of the family he had lost. She felt a stab of sadness for him.
“You know, you never said whether you have any family left or if they live nearby.” She broached the subject cautiously, recognizing that he didn’t discuss such things freely.
He was quiet only for a moment before replying. “My parents live in Utah. My dad’s a professor, and my mom’s a nurse. I have a sister in Arizona. She’s married to her work. We’re not a close family, but they were there for me when…everything happened.” He drew a deep breath. “The hard thing is that I was closer to Julia’s family than I was to my own. Her mom passed on just before Ginny was diagnosed. And her dad…” He trailed off, going silent for several minutes.
Tessa let the quiet linger. If Noah wanted to speak further, he would. If he didn’t, she wouldn’t push him. After a time, he continued.
“Julia’s dad, John, had a stroke after she…” He cleared his throat. “He’s in a home now, not too far from the hospital. I go to see him about once a week or as often as I can.”
“That’s very kind of you,” Tessa said.
He shook his head. “Not really. He lost his wife, his granddaughter and his daughter, and finally, his health. I’m partly responsible for all that. I hope my visits bring him comfort and not pain. Although I can’t really tell. He’s been catatonic since the stroke.” He licked his lips, staring straight ahead.
She studied his profile, overcome with the urge to touch him, to place her palm against the rigid line of his jaw and tell him he was not to blame for all that had occurred.
“The last thing John said to me before the stroke was, ‘Don’t forget she loved you.’” He looked down at the floor. “I never asked him who he meant. Julia or Ginny.”
“Maybe both,” Tessa said. “I’m sure they both did love you.”
“Maybe,” he replied, “but I’m not sure they could forgive me. Especially Julia. Her death was the final punishment, I suppose.”
Tessa frowned. Hearing even more of Noah’s history made her realize how isolated he must feel. No wonder he threw himself so completely into his work. It made her grateful to have the family that she did. They might not be perfect, but she knew they loved her, and they were always there for her. She suddenly had an idea.
“My family is getting together for dinner tonight. Why don’t you join us?”
He opened his mouth, and she was pretty sure he was about to say no, so she rushed ahead.
“Sometimes it gets a little crazy with my nieces, and even more so if I bring Rufus along, but I think you’d get along great with everyone. Besides, Connor is cooking, so you’d be getting a gourmet meal for free.”
His lips tugged upward at this argument, and she felt a strange little fizzy sensation in her stomach at the sight.
“I wouldn’t want to impose,” he said, but she could sense his resolve weakening.
“Believe me, my family would probably be thrilled if I brought a friend. They’ve been worried about me for far too long.”
She let this last statement slip without considering the questions it would elicit. Sure enough, Noah turned toward her with a curious expression.
“Why are they worried?”
She shrugged, avoiding his gaze. “They just haven’t agreed with some of my life decisions in recent years.”
“Such as?”
She sighed. “Well, quitting my job as a pediatric nurse, for one thing, and then coming to work here, at the animal shelter. They saw it as step down in life. Or at least, my parents and my oldest sister did. My other sister is more laid-back about things.”
“What do they think of you working at the hospital? You may not be a nurse, but you have a very important job there.”
It startled her, to hear him speak of her job as important. While their relationship was improving, she had never expected to hear him concede her role as a marketing and PR coordinator was a worthy endeavor.
“They’re thrilled,” she said. “But that’s only one part of what happened.” She drew a deep breath. “I was engaged to be married. I left my fiancé standing at the altar around that same time.” She lowered her head, ashamed.
She had never meant to break Burke’s heart. But he had recovered quickly enough, and in the end, they’d both realized they weren’t meant to be. Their relationship had been casual and sweet, but it wasn’t the stuff of great love stories. Besides, she had always suspected he still had some lingering feelings for his childhood friend and former sister-in-law, Erin, and sure enough they were now married.
Meanwhile, she had been so caught up in her own diagnosis that it had been easier than she thought it would be to let him go. She was happy that he had moved on, found love with someone else. And while she didn’t miss Burke, she missed that feeling of security, of a future with someone by her side. And she certainly mourned the loss of her hopes for a family one day.
“Oh.” She detected the curiosity in that single word. She’d gotten used to the tone. After all, she’d heard it a lot from others in the weeks following her aborted wedding.
Most people hadn’t been rude enough to ask outright why she had failed to appear on that special day. And for those who were bold enough to ask, she’d simply replied that the timing wasn’t right. But with Noah…she felt safe enough to admit just a little bit more than that. Not the whole secret, but more than she had revealed to most.
“Burke and I got along well. Almost too well. We never had an argument, never disagreed about anything. He was steady, and I loved that about him. But I’m not sure I was in love with him. And I had a suspicion he wasn’t really in love with me. It turned out I was right. He married someone else, later that year.”
It was as much as she was willing to give him at the moment.
“Even if you weren’t in love with him, leaving him had to have been painful.”
She turned her head, surprised that Noah would pick up on such a thing so quickly.
“Yes. In some ways, it was.” She hadn’t admitted that to anyone else. When Burke had married Erin, she had insisted it was as it should be. After all, it wasn’t Burke she had loved and lost—it was a future that was never meant to be.
“So, what do you say?” she asked in an attempt to turn the conversation around. “Dinner tonight? With my family?”
This time, Noah didn’t hesitate. “I’d like that.”
* * *
NOAH SHOWED UP promptly at 6 p.m. at Tessa’s sister’s house, as she’d instructed him to do. He held a bottle of wine in his hands, grateful he hadn’t forgotten all the social graces.
It had been a long time since he’d visited someone’s home for dinner, and he couldn’t help being a little nervous. He was acutely aware that he lacked appropriate conversational skills these days. He hadn’t cared much for other people’s opinions in recent years, but he realized he didn’t want to do anything to embarrass Tessa in front of her family. Not that it should matter what anyone thought. He and Tessa were coworkers, perhaps friends, nothing more. He had no inclination toward romance. And even if he did, it wasn’t possible. He didn’t deserve to find love again, not after how he’d so miserably failed Julia.
Before he could sink too deep into the memories, the door opened, and Tessa stood before him. She had showered and changed since their morning at the animal clinic, as had he. Now she wore her blond hair long and loose, clipped back by two barrettes. It fell softly past her shoulders, over the pale blue sleeveless top that she wore. She was dressed in faded jeans, and he glanced down quickly enough to see her feet were bare. She appeared relaxed and comfortable, and seeing her, he immediately felt better.
“You made it.” Her smile was wide and welcoming, but he heard the relief in her voice. Had she thought he wouldn’t show up? “Come inside, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”
The next twenty minutes were a whirlwind of introductions and greetings. He hoped he’d remember all the names of Tessa’s family. There were her parents, Allan and Vivienne Worth, followed by her oldest sister, Paige, and Paige’s husband, Weston, along with their little girl, Zoe. Tessa had told him that Paige, Weston and Zoe lived in DC, but they often visited Findlay Roads on the weekends. Then there was the middle sister, Harper, her husband, Connor, who owned Callahan’s, the restaurant along the waterfront, and their daughters, Molly and Grace. Grace was the newest addition to the family, a pale-haired, green-eyed angel of an infant. It was Connor who proudly showed off his three-month-old baby.
Noah made what he hoped were appropriate congratulations, though he wasn’t sure Connor even heard. The other man was too busy staring at his family with a sort of dazed happiness, as if he couldn’t believe his luck.
Noah watched as Connor wrapped an arm around his wife, who had taken Grace in her arms. Connor pressed a kiss to Harper’s temple, and she looked up at him with adoration. It was obvious the two were very much in love, and the sight of it caused a sharp pain in his chest. Why was it so difficult to view others’ happiness? He didn’t begrudge them their joy…but it stung because it only served to emphasize all that he had once had…and lost.
He shifted his gaze briefly to Tessa, who stood beside him, and caught a look of such raw wistfulness on her face that he very nearly put his own arm around her. He forced himself to look away before he did something that breached the boundaries of simple friendship. But the expression she wore tugged at him, stirring his curiosity.
Why had she seemed so vulnerable in that moment? It occurred to him that perhaps Tessa had secrets of her own, beyond what she’d already shared with him. He felt a driving urge to learn what they might be, but he held himself in check. If Tessa had secrets, they were hers. He had no business digging into her past, especially not as her coworker. If she chose to share her thoughts, he was certain it would only be as one friend to another. Until she took that step, it was really none of his business.
So why did he suddenly ache to know so much about her? The question rattled him.
Fortunately, Tessa’s mother approached at that moment to offer him a glass of the wine he’d brought, distracting him. Connor moved off to check on the meal while Allan engaged him in questions about living in DC for so many years.
From the corner of his eye, he noticed Zoe grab Tessa’s attention. She was a sweet little girl, a couple of years younger than Ginny had been when she’d been diagnosed. But whereas Ginny had had dark brown hair before it had fallen out due to the chemo, Zoe’s was a honey blond, similar to Tessa’s. She had a darker skin tone than Ginny, too, but perhaps that was only because his last memories of his daughter were of a pallid countenance, chalky with impending death.
He swallowed hard, nauseated at the memory, and tightened his fingers around his wineglass as Allan continued talking, oblivious to his distraction. But somehow, Tessa noticed. He felt her hand touch his back, a gentle brush of reassurance, and then it was gone. He turned his head and caught her eye, and she offered an encouraging smile. It was enough to help him regain his footing as he fell back into the conversation with her father.
Moments later, he was rescued by the announcement that dinner was ready. They filed into the dining room and prepared to take their seats as Zoe proclaimed, “I’m sitting in between Aunt Tessa and Noah.”
Harper placed Grace in her rocker. “Noah is Aunt Tessa’s guest, Zoe. Don’t you think he should sit beside her?”
“He’s my guest, too,” she stubbornly declared. He was touched by the assertion, though it was likely Zoe had warmed to him only because she adored Tessa. Any friend of Tessa’s was probably a friend of Zoe’s, as well.
“I don’t mind,” he said, and that was all the encouragement the little girl needed to grab his hand and lead him to the table. She pointed for him to sit, but first he pulled out the seat next to him and gestured for her to climb onto it.
“Ladies first,” he said.
Zoe seemed to like this, and obliged him by working her way onto the chair. “Now Aunt Tessa,” she commanded.
Noah pulled out the next chair, gesturing for Tessa to sit. The look she gave him as she sat down nearly melted his heart. Clearly, by catering to Zoe, he’d done something right.
Once they were all settled, Connor started serving the dinner. Tessa had been correct. It was like eating a gourmet meal for free.
Tortellini with asparagus tossed in a lemon-mint dressing. Roast salmon with a citrus glaze. A salad of spring greens with Connor’s house dressing. Toast points with brie and fresh strawberries. Noah couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten such a delicious meal.
Throughout dinner, the conversation flowed steadily around the table, with the discussion ranging from personal acquaintances, to work life, to the summer tourist season in town. He knew it was inevitable that one of them would ask about his job, but he was too busy enjoying the delicious flavors of the food to worry about it.
The asparagus turned slightly sour in his mouth, however, when Paige finally directed a question at him.
“So, Noah, you’re a doctor?”
He reached for his water glass. “Yes, a pediatric oncologist.”
“You must be a good influence on Tessa, then. She hasn’t brought anyone around for dinner in ages.”
“Noah and I are colleagues,” Tessa pointedly reminded Paige as she lifted a bite of salmon to her mouth. He sensed the subtle warning there. She didn’t want her older sister to make a big deal out of this. He felt both protective of her and at the same time, oddly disappointed. Not that he should have. Tessa was right. They were coworkers. Friends. That was all.
“Hmm, well, you’ve never brought colleagues around before. But then, I suppose you didn’t have many interesting coworkers at the animal clinic.”
Noah nearly winced.
“I’d have to disagree,” Noah said. “We spent the morning there, and the people at the clinic were delightful. Did you know one of the staff members breeds prizewinning corgis? Apparently, she once bred for some of the royal family.”
This observation earned him several seconds of silence before he heard Harper quietly utter, “Well played.”
He slid a glance in Tessa’s direction, hoping she wasn’t embarrassed by his words. But she was glaring in her eldest sister’s direction.
“See? That’s why I’m always telling you not to be such a snob, Paige.”
“I’m hardly a snob,” Paige tossed back. “But you have to admit, your skills were wasted at that clinic.”
“Girls,” their mother warned.
“Why don’t I bring out dessert?” Connor suggested.
The announcement abruptly ended the exchange between Paige and Tessa. Noah was impressed. Obviously, this wasn’t Connor’s first family dinner.
“No, you finish eating. Let Noah and me do it,” Tessa said.
He was doubly impressed. Tessa was a master at evading her sister, it seemed. Then again, she had likely had years of practice.
“Me, too,” Zoe announced and began to climb down from her seat.
“No,” Paige immediately chastised. “You sit in that chair, young lady, and finish your dinner.”
“But I’m full!” Zoe protested.
“You can’t be. You couldn’t have eaten more than three bites.”
“But I am,” Zoe argued.
Paige sighed with exasperation. “Zoe, we have been through this. You know what the doctor said. You’re losing weight, and you need to eat more. I swear, all you do is lie around and sleep. You complain that you don’t feel well, but you won’t eat anything to give you energy! Now, you sit down and finish your dinner.”
Noah watched Zoe very carefully following her mother’s admonition. She sighed with long-suffering patience and sat down in her chair, pushing at the food on her plate with a fork. Tessa was waiting for him, and as he stood there, he was vaguely aware that the rest of the family was staring.
“How long has Zoe felt ill?” he asked, trying to keep his tone casual.
Weston, who had been rather quiet throughout dinner, was the one who answered. “It seems like months. Since before Christmas.”
Noah quickly calculated. At least six months, then. Maybe longer. “What are her symptoms?”
“It’s just a lingering cold.” Paige was the one who replied this time. She seemed unconcerned. “That’s what her pediatrician says. We’ve taken her to the doctor on several occasions, and he said there’s so much going around.”
Noah couldn’t blame Zoe’s doctor, necessarily, for assuming the little girl just kept catching a bug. With the winter weather and then the change in seasons, it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption. Still…
“You say she’s been tired and has a loss of appetite?”
“Yes, that’s correct,” Weston said.
“Any bruising?”
“What?” Paige looked baffled.
“Does she have any bruises?”
Paige’s response was wary and tinged with annoyance. “She’s a kid. Don’t they often get bruises?”
“Yes,” Noah reluctantly agreed, “but does she get them after she’s been playing or just from minor incidents?”
“Is there a difference?” Paige said.
Noah frowned. He felt Tessa’s hand on his arm.
“Noah. What’s wrong?”
He knew he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Not every child was Ginny. Not every kid was carrying a deadly disease inside of them. And the symptoms of leukemia were vague, often attributed to other conditions. So a child had bruises. As Paige had said, children got bruises when they played. So she was tired. She was a kid, and kids were bundles of energy, but eventually they had to crash and rest up. Just because Zoe wasn’t eating as much as her mother wanted didn’t mean she had leukemia. Sometimes kids didn’t eat at meals. They would get junk food or candy if they could, and it would ruin their appetite. He would embarrass Tessa if he pushed the issue.
But what if…
He shook his head. “My apologies. I…” He blew out a breath, uncertain what to say. He should have known better than to hope he could be a normal person for one night. Had he really thought his past would release him, even for a few hours? He carried it with him. Ginny’s ghost rode on his shoulder, whispering in his ear wherever he went. He was well aware he couldn’t save every child, but to start seeing the disease in perfectly normal, healthy children… “I suppose I have a hard time leaving work at work,” he finished lamely.
The atmosphere grew awkward. Harper and Connor were sharing a look of concern, Paige’s mouth was set in a straight line, Weston’s brow was furrowed and Tessa’s parents were quiet. The girls, Molly and Zoe, were the only two who seemed unconcerned by his misstep.
“I should probably go.”
Tessa’s hand on his arm squeezed. “Noah, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”
“Of course not.” Allan Worth spoke up. “I have a hard time leaving work behind myself most days. We appreciate your concern over Zoe’s well-being.”
“But there is nothing wrong,” Paige put in. “I’m her mother. I would know if there was.”
“Yes, I’m sure you’re right.” Noah didn’t want to argue further. He wasn’t making a personal remark against Paige’s parenting. The signs of leukemia were subtle. Most parents didn’t realize what was happening until things got out of control. With all his training, he himself should have noticed Ginny’s symptoms earlier. He should have been paying more attention. Why hadn’t he paid more attention? He was a doctor; he knew better.
But he was being ridiculous, seeing the specter of cancer at a simple dinner party. He had embarrassed Tessa, tainting her hospitality. “I really should go. I have an early start at the hospital tomorrow.”
He didn’t, but it was a handy excuse. He could sense Tessa beside him, could feel her disappointment. He had let her down. He should have known that he would. He was good at letting people down. If they offered degrees in it, he would have earned a doctorate in that, as well.
“Thank you so much for dinner. It was incredible. Connor, you are truly a talented chef.”
“Thanks, mate. Stop by Callahan’s sometime soon. My treat.”
It was a generous offer. More than he deserved for how he’d disrupted their family meal.
“I appreciate that.” He had to get out now before he was too tempted to stay.
He finally turned to face Tessa. “I’ll see myself out.”
She was staring at him, her eyes filled with concern. “You don’t have to go,” she said again. He knew she would have said more, had her family not been watching.
“I do,” he said. “But I’ll see you at the hospital.”
He hurried from the room before there could be further protests.