ONE SIGHT OF her niece, and Tessa forgot about her own heartache. Zoe looked small and vulnerable in the hospital bed, the white sheets nearly matching the pale shade of her skin. Her eyes were wide with uncertainty, darting around the room to take in the machines, the sterile counters and cupboards, the fluorescent lighting.
For a hospital room, it was actually quite cozy. The walls were painted a cheerful turquoise blue, and the artwork depicted cartoon fish in a rainbow of colors. There were chairs with blond wood and cushions to match the walls. A flat-screen TV hung opposite Zoe’s bed. One of the nurses had turned it on to the Disney channel. Despite these little touches, however, the room was still a clinical environment, and Zoe knew it. Tessa could tell by her expression, the anxiety plainly written on her face.
“Hey, kiddo,” she greeted as she entered the room.
Zoe’s eyes skittered to hers, and for a brief moment, relief registered there.
“Aunt Tessa!”
Tessa moved closer and leaned in for a hug. “I heard you’ve had a busy morning so far.”
Zoe’s lower lip trembled. “I got stuck with needles.” She raised her arm, showcasing her IV as proof.
“I know, sweetheart, I’m sorry. Needles are no fun.”
Zoe nodded her agreement. “Mom and Dad are here,” she said.
“Yeah, I was with them earlier. Grandma and Grandpa are coming later, too.”
She brushed the hair back from her niece’s head, taking a moment to appreciate the soft, fine strands in her fingers. Within a few weeks, Zoe’s hair would begin to fall out. She wondered if it would distress Zoe or if she’d see it as an odd adventure, marking her as special. This was how Tessa would try to present it to her, at least.
Zoe grew quiet for a couple of minutes, her gaze focused on her arm and the IV tube. Tessa forced herself to be patient, wanting Zoe to work through her thoughts and emotions.
“Aunt Tessa—” she finally raised her eyes “—when can I go home?”
Tessa swallowed, pained by the simple question. “I’m not sure yet, but it’s going to be some time. Did your mom and dad talk to you, tell you what’s going on?”
Zoe gave a short nod. “They said I’m sick. Like really sick.”
Tessa drew a deep breath. She wasn’t sure just how much information Paige and Weston would have given their daughter. They probably hadn’t had much time to help Zoe process what was going on.
“You are sick,” Tessa affirmed, “but that’s why we brought you here to the hospital. So Noah can make you better.”
This perked her up a bit. “Noah is going to fix me?”
Tessa didn’t want to make promises. “He’s going to try.”
Zoe watched her, as if looking for signs that she was telling the truth. Tessa wasn’t sure how much her niece, at the tender age of six, understood about cancer.
“Is it going to hurt?” she asked, her voice a threadbare whisper.
Tessa’s heart broke at the question, but she would not lie. “Yes, sweetheart, it’s probably going to hurt sometimes.”
Zoe’s eyes filled with tears, and Tessa rushed to reassure her.
“But I’m here, and so are your mom and dad, and Aunt Harper and Uncle Connor, Grandma and Grandpa, and Molly and Grace…we’re all going to be here for you, so you don’t have to be afraid, okay?”
Zoe didn’t respond. She blinked, and the tears overflowed her eyes and onto her face. Tessa grabbed a tissue from the counter and used it to dab at Zoe’s cheeks.
“Aunt Tessa…am I going to die?”
Tessa swallowed. Zoe understood more than she’d given her credit for. She knew the seriousness of cancer. And while Tessa refused to lie, she also didn’t want to reply in a way that would panic her niece even more.
“Zoe, have you seen all the kids around here?”
She shrugged. Tessa realized that she’d probably been tied up with nurses most of the night, so she may not have met the other patients in the ward.
“There are lots of kids here, and many more who come to the hospital every day to get treatments because they’re getting better. They don’t have to stay here all the time now, but they come back to get their medicine and stuff. There are so many children out there who get better.”
She didn’t know what else to say, how else to explain that most kids survived…but some did not. She thought of Noah and his daughter, Ginny. Leukemia was much more treatable than it once had been. But nothing in life was guaranteed.
How had Noah survived it, the loss of those he loved most in the world? Tessa didn’t think she’d have the strength to go on. Just her own diagnosis of premature menopause…that alone had shattered her. That was the loss of a child she had never known or held close. How much worse must it be to have loved that child and have them torn from you?
“I’m sorry,” Zoe said, drawing Tessa’s focus back to her.
“What in the world are you sorry for, love?” she asked, smoothing Zoe’s hair once more.
“It’s my fault. Mom told me that I should be more careful because I kept getting the bruises and she said I needed to eat more, but I didn’t.” Zoe’s tears came in force. “I’m sorry, Aunt Tessa! I’m really sorry!”
“Shh, shh, Zoe, it’s okay.” She moved to sit on the edge of the bed and drew her niece into her side, rocking her awkwardly as she tried to maintain her balance. “This is not your fault, Zoe. Nobody is to blame for this, do you understand?”
Zoe kept crying, but Tessa didn’t let her go. She just held her and let her cry, trying her best not to weep along with her.
* * *
NOAH WATCHED FROM a distance as Tessa’s family rallied to support Zoe. It seemed as if they each contributed, and they assembled with the efficiency of an army. Tessa’s father was the head of the unit. He met with Noah for details on Zoe’s treatment and asked surprisingly intelligent questions about the latest clinical trials and what Zoe’s options were.
Given her background in pediatric medicine, Tessa was often present for these sessions and contributed explanations for her dad’s benefit. Noah tried to keep most of his attention on Allan Worth as he spoke because if he didn’t, he’d easily get lost in Tessa’s eyes.
Having her call on him to help had only deepened his conflicted feelings for her. He was rarely relied upon as a friend anymore. That was his own doing, of course. But having Tessa need him had awakened a dormant desire he didn’t even know he still possessed. He could not, however, allow this to affect his work. He had many patients, and he distributed his care equitably among them. But he found himself welcoming Allan’s questions. It kept his own mind buzzing with the best ways to treat not only Zoe but his other patients, as well.
It was also apparent to him that Tessa had inherited her caregiving skills from her mother. Vivienne was the one who made sure Paige and Weston were taking enough breaks, getting proper nourishment, and filled in the gaps for them when necessary.
Connor and Harper brought food, and usually enough to feed not only their family but others, as well. Noah supposed that made sense, given Connor’s job as a chef and restaurateur, but he was impressed just the same. Sometimes Harper had their baby, Grace, with her, along with her adopted daughter, Molly. The nurses loved cooing over Grace, and Noah approved of how friendly Molly was with the other kids on the floor. She never stared or asked uncomfortable questions. She seemed to accept them at face value, perhaps because her cousin was going through the same situation. Molly kept Zoe company in between tests and treatments. Even though she was several years older, she whispered and giggled with Zoe like they were two teenage girls.
And then there was Tessa. He supposed, in some ways, it was opportune that Tessa worked at the hospital. She was able to be there for her niece even more than the rest of them. Ana had given her latitude to take as many breaks as necessary, so Tessa often spent part of the morning and afternoon in her office and then brought her laptop with her to sit in Zoe’s room and work while her niece dozed or if Paige and Weston needed to step away. He marveled at how driven Tessa was. She kept up with the planning for the gala, along with her other fund-raising and PR projects, in between everything else going on.
He learned that Connor and Harper were caring for Rufus so Tessa could be at the hospital more. Noah had noticed that Zoe asked for Tessa more than her parents. The two obviously shared a close bond, which didn’t seem to bother Paige much.
Then again, Tessa had that nurturing instinct; her very presence was calming. He’d found that to be true himself, gravitating to her when he was out of sorts or had a bad day because just being near her steadied him somehow.
Unfortunately, that frightened him, as well. He’d grown far too fond of Tessa, and had to continually remind himself to keep his heart in check where she was concerned.
He’d seen how good she was with Zoe and with other children on the floor. She often stopped to say hello to the kids and their families. She remembered them all. Every name. Every hobby. Their fears. Their hopes. Where they came from and the distance they had to drive. How many siblings they had, and she remembered them, too, so she could greet them when they were there. She asked after treatments, encouraged the weary and always left the kids with a smile on their face.
She was a wonder, and one that he found difficult to resist.
But when she was unaware he was watching, he saw her unfiltered fear. And the sight of it brought back a flood of memories, too forceful to repress. Julia, late at night, leaning over their daughter’s hospital bed with her hands folded in prayer. Julia, holding on to Ginny’s body as it grew cold and screaming at anyone who tried to take her dead child from her arms. Julia at Ginny’s funeral, practically unresponsive but for the tears leaking from her eyes.
Tessa was not Julia. He was well aware of that fact. But he could not bear the thought of seeing a woman he loved going through such an experience again. His loss with Ginny and Julia had been too sharp, too great. He had barely survived it. At times, he wasn’t even sure he had. He was marked now. Changed. Different. His scars were too rigid.
Life was full of sorrow. That was the lesson he had learned over the last few years. If it wasn’t leukemia, it might be something else. He was a doctor. He saw it every day. If he risked his heart again, there would inevitably be more heartache, in one form or another. And he would drown in his grief and regret until he was a shell of a man, worthless. He’d been blinded by his pain the last time. Who was to say the same thing wouldn’t happen again? Tessa deserved someone who could put her needs before their own. He had failed to do that for Julia; he could not risk doing it to Tessa, as well.
At least, by walling off his heart, he could still do some good in this world. He could give children the tools to fight their disease. It was the only absolution he had left. And if he fell in love, and he lost a second time, he would never deserve forgiveness.
So he kept his distance from Tessa. She might know his secrets, the darkest parts of his soul, but he trusted her with his past. He did not, however, trust himself. She had gotten too far under his skin, and he had to take several steps back to clear her from his mind and heart.
When he noticed her in Zoe’s room late at night, keeping watch over her niece, he did not stop in to talk to her like he wanted. He didn’t enter, lean down to drop a kiss against her hair, breathe in the sweet scent of her skin. He didn’t touch her, didn’t look her way, didn’t breathe her name.
He walked right by the room, keeping his gaze averted.
* * *
TESSA WALKED INTO Ana’s office and stopped abruptly at the sight of Don Hess, from the hospital board, seated across the desk from her boss. She was even more surprised to see Noah was also there, leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. She and Noah hadn’t spoken much over the last week. At least, not outside of discussions about Zoe and her treatments.
Something had changed between them, but her days were too filled with Zoe and work to analyze it too deeply. Or maybe she didn’t want to think about it. She had let herself get too close to Noah. Her heart did involuntary things when he was around. Like now. Her heart rate sped up as she took in the sight of him, his expression aloof but emotion broiling beneath the surface.
“Dr. Hess, how nice to see you.”
She plastered an expression of pleasure on her face even though she was feeling anything but pleasant at the moment. She was tired, having spent the night in a restless and uncomfortable sleep on the chair in Zoe’s room, and she had limited energy to address whatever the reason she’d been summoned.
“A pleasure, as always, Tessa.” Dr. Hess was beaming at her, though she couldn’t imagine what she’d done to earn such a greeting.
“Have a seat,” Ana said, gesturing toward the only other available chair in the room. She glanced at Noah, but he avoided her gaze, seemingly content to stand.
“First of all, let me express my sadness over your niece’s diagnosis,” Dr. Hess said. “It is a hard weight for a family to bear, and I hear you two are very close.”
His words flustered her, and her curiosity grew as to why Dr. Hess had asked for this meeting. When Ana had called her to her office, Tessa had assumed it was merely to check in on her progress with the gala.
Tessa had been keeping up with her work, but she hadn’t been home much in the last week. She’d taken to showering and dressing at the hospital so she could be nearby.
She felt a moment’s panic. She thought she’d stayed on top of things, but maybe Ana had called Dr. Hess in to tell her she wasn’t juggling her work as well as she believed.
“Um, thank you,” she said in response to Dr. Hess’s words. “It’s been a challenge, but we’re up to it. Our family has really pulled together.”
Dr. Hess nodded. “Ana says you’re doing a wonderful job with your role here at the hospital, even with everything going on. Thank you for your conscientiousness. I imagine it’s not easy.”
Tessa blinked. Okay, so he wasn’t here to reprimand her. So what was going on? She looked at Noah, her eyes questioning. He met them briefly, shrugged, and then glanced away again. She didn’t say anything.
“Tessa,” Ana finally spoke, “the reason Dr. Hess and I called you and Noah here today is because we have a proposal.”
Tessa frowned.
“Given the situation your family recently find themselves in,” Dr. Hess picked up the conversation, “we realized we might have a rare opportunity on our hands.”
She cocked her head but said nothing.
“We all know that our goal is to bring more awareness to the hospital and our pediatric oncology department. At our last meeting, you had an idea in your proposal about doing a web series.”
Tessa had suggested leveraging the current interest in reality TV and social media to launch a behind-the-scenes look at families struggling with leukemia. She’d proposed a weekly video upload to the hospital website so viewers could follow patients’ progress through diagnosis, treatment and hopefully remission. She’d argued it would be a good way for others to feel invested in what the hospital was doing, but it was a project she hadn’t planned to tackle until the following year, well after the gala ended.
“I hadn’t fully developed the details,” she said, still uncertain why Dr. Hess was bringing this up now.
He waved away her words. “Of course, we recognize that. However, given your niece’s illness, we thought Zoe’s might be a good case to follow.”
Tessa’s head whipped in Ana’s direction. “You want to use Zoe?”
Ana gave a short nod. “And you and your family. Of course, as you already noted in your proposal, Dr. Brennan would be an important part of the story, as well.”
Tessa shook her head, trying to process this suggestion. It seemed inappropriate somehow to use Zoe in this way. Maybe the whole idea had been flawed.
“You’ve already made it evident that you have a talent for these things, Tessa. You did exceptional work with the news crew when they came to feature the animal therapy program. With your personal investment in the project, we believe it will be even better than you intended.”
“I see.”
She looked at Noah. He remained silent. Why wasn’t he speaking up? He hated this sort of thing. Surely he wouldn’t agree to it. At least not now.
“I’m not sure now is the best time. My focus is on the gala, getting everything in order. And Zoe’s diagnosis is still so new to her.”
“The gala isn’t for another two months, and Ana tells me you’ve already made great strides in getting things in place for the event. Besides, this series could be part of the gala.”
Tessa was uncertain. On the one hand, Dr. Hess made a good point. But from a personal perspective, she wasn’t sure she was ready to take this on, especially when it was her own niece who would be involved.
“Noah, what do you think?” She looked at him, convinced that he would argue against the idea. He hated the spotlight, and she’d expected a battle about the web series from the first.
He pushed himself off the wall and unfolded his arms. “I think it’s a great idea.”
She blinked. He…what?
“But…Noah…” She floundered.
“Tessa’s original proposal was right. Giving others a glimpse into what we do would raise their awareness and understanding of pediatric cancer, and hopefully prompt them to make donations to research and to the hospital. Zoe’s a great kid, and Tessa will do a wonderful job leading her through the process.”
“But y-you’d be involved, too,” Tessa reminded him.
“Of course. I will do whatever I can to support the project.”
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was going on? This wasn’t at all the Noah she knew.
“Well, I suppose I’d have to ask my family if they’d be on board.” Tessa wanted to make certain Zoe understood what it all meant.
“Understandable,” Dr. Hess said. “Provided they’re amenable, we’ll have Legal go over all the necessary paperwork. Ana has already reached out to a local production team about filming.”
Tessa was dazed. How much had she missed during her late nights at Zoe’s bedside?
“Thanks for being a team player on this, Tessa. You, too, Dr. Brennan,” Dr. Hess added as an afterthought.
“I am always at the service of the hospital.”
The sarcasm in his tone was lost on Dr. Hess, but it drew Tessa’s attention. She arched an eyebrow in question, but he didn’t acknowledge it. She looked toward Ana, but her boss was typing away on her keyboard, presumably putting things in motion.
“Great!” Dr. Hess enthused. “This is going to be a wonderful opportunity to raise more money for the kids.”
Tessa could only manage to nod and smile. Noah slipped out of the room without saying anything.