NOAH HAD JUST finished reviewing a patient’s chart with the nursing staff when Tessa found him. He knew he shouldn’t have been happy to see her. There was no good reason for the way his heart increased speed as she approached. He’d been doing his best to remain nonchalant in her presence, but his heart couldn’t lie. The more he tried to convince himself getting close to Tessa had been a bad idea, the more he longed to be near her.
“Are you seriously okay with this?” She began without preamble.
If he feigned ignorance she’d hang around longer.
“With what?” He grabbed a chart at random and opened it, pretending to review its contents.
“Come on, Noah. With this whole reality web series thing?”
He glanced at her and immediately realized that was a mistake. Her eyes were large and questioning, the brown in them golden and warm despite the dark smudges beneath her eyes that spoke of the long days and nights she’d been spending at the hospital. He experienced a tug of concern.
“You’re not taking very good care of yourself,” he observed, bypassing her question.
She sagged slightly. “There was a time you would have just told me that I look terrible.” She made an attempt to smile, but it was weak, and her words stung.
“Am I really that awful?”
Her expression softened, and the sight of it melted his heart. “No. But you’re like those chocolates with a hard outer layer and a chewy center.”
“So I’m chewy?” he teased her, keeping his expression stoic.
“What? No. That’s not…” She drew a breath. “Can we please get back on track here?”
He pretended to refocus on the chart, though he’d far rather keep staring into her eyes.
“We need more donations to help fund the research that saves these kids’ lives. The web series will help with that,” he said.
“I know that,” she returned, “but I didn’t expect you to get on board with it so quickly.”
He shrugged. “What can I say? You’ve convinced me of the merits of these initiatives.”
She fell silent, and he peered at her from the corner of his eyes. She was nibbling at her thumbnail, deep in thought. He closed the file and put it away. He wanted, more than anything in that moment, to pull her into his arms and reassure her. But then, what right did he have to do that? He’d done the same for Julia, countless times, and in the end, he’d only made a liar of himself.
He couldn’t tell her the truth. He dreaded the idea of the web series. A film crew would be, at best, a distraction and, at worst, an impediment to doing his job. But his treacherous heart had agreed for one reason.
Because doing the series would bring him nearer to Tessa. He knew he should keep his distance. After how he’d so thoroughly failed his wife, how could he possibly think he wouldn’t do the same thing should he fall in love again? He was damaged now, scarred in a way that made him blind to the needs of others. Tessa had called him out on it already, about the way he spoke to his patients and their parents.
But, if he was being entirely honest, the web series really was a great idea. And Tessa would be brilliant at it. Who was he to stand in the way of spotlighting the work the hospital and the kids did every day?
“Tessa.”
When he said her name, she looked at him. He had never been so conflicted in his life. He wanted nothing more than to touch her. He was a fool. Letting Tessa in had been a mistake, one that could cost him too much in the long run. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t work together, did it? Especially if it benefited his patients and the hospital.
“You’ll do fine,” he said. “And if, at any point, I feel like this project is jeopardizing Zoe’s treatment, I will put an end to it immediately. Agreed?”
His words seemed to ease some of her doubts. Her shoulders relaxed. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
He nodded. They stood there for another minute, and he wondered if she was as reluctant to part ways as he was.
“I guess I better go present this idea to Paige and Weston.”
“Do you think they’ll agree?” Somehow, he had a feeling convincing her family wasn’t going to be a problem.
“They’ll probably be okay with it.”
Still, she lingered, making it more and more difficult for him not to reach out and touch her, to offer some sort of reassurance.
“Okay, well. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Later,” he agreed.
She finally turned and walked away, and he watched her go, his heart filled with both longing and disappointment.
* * *
CONVINCING PAIGE TO do the web series was a greater challenge than Tessa had expected.
“You mean it would be posted right on the hospital’s website? So everyone can get a glimpse into our lives?”
Paige had her arms crossed over her chest as she sat across from Tessa in the hospital commons. Tessa held a cup of tepid tea in her hands while Paige’s fingers nervously fiddled with the lid of her disposable coffee cup.
“Think of it more as giving people a chance to see the struggles of a family battling cancer. The hospital is hoping the series will raise awareness for research funding and trials to help other kids like Zoe.”
Paige took a sip of her coffee, made a face and put it back down.
“Can’t you do something about this?”
Tessa frowned in confusion. “About what?”
Paige held up her cup. “This coffee. It’s terrible.”
Tessa didn’t respond. Paige didn’t cope well with things outside of her control—whether it was poor coffee or her child’s cancer diagnosis. She continued to play with the lid of her cup until Tessa reached out and took it from her, putting it aside to wrap her hands around her sister’s.
“Paige. Are you okay?”
Paige’s stare might have withered someone who wasn’t accustomed to her sister’s moods. “My child has cancer, and I totally missed the signs. How do you think I’m doing?”
“Oh.” Tessa let a minute or two tick by, waiting for Paige to say more. Her sister fidgeted, which was unusual for her, but finally started speaking.
“I know I’m not the best mother,” she admitted in a low whisper, as if ashamed to speak the words out loud. “But I never… I wouldn’t… If I’d suspected something was wrong…”
Paige’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at Tessa. “I would have demanded tests immediately if I’d had any idea.”
“I know. Just because you didn’t understand the signs doesn’t make you a bad mother, Paige.”
Her sister pulled her hands away to wipe at her eyes but didn’t meet Tessa’s gaze. “You and Zoe have such a special bond. She reminds me a lot of you, when you were a kid.”
“Really?” Paige was several years older, and sometimes, Tessa forgot that her sister had the advantage of watching her grow up.
“Definitely. You were always playing with those baby dolls of yours,” Paige said. “You never went anywhere without them. You would hand them to me and Harper and tell us we had to feed them or rock them or whatever.” Paige’s lip twitched with amusement. “You’d get so worked up if you found them lying on the bedroom floor or forgotten somewhere. One time, I left a doll in the car, and when you got home from school and found it, you were so mad that you wrote me a ticket in crayon for being a bad mommy.”
Tessa didn’t speak, and Paige’s eyes filled with tears once more. “I was never cut out for this. You were always so much better at this stuff than I could ever be.”
Tessa flinched but ignored the sting Paige’s words caused. Her sister needed her right now, and it wasn’t Paige’s fault that motherhood was such a sensitive subject for Tessa. Fortunately, her sister didn’t notice her momentary reaction.
“Zoe’s like you,” Paige went on. “She’ll try to hand me one of her dolls, and she’ll say…she’ll say, ‘Take good care of her, Mama…’” Paige broke off, the tears overflowing her eyes. She looked at Tessa with something akin to desperation in her gaze. “It’s like those dolls. I just didn’t pay enough attention.” She lowered her forehead into her hands so that Tessa couldn’t see her face, though Tessa still heard her say, “Why didn’t I pay more attention?”
Tessa was grateful the commons cafeteria was practically empty this time of day. She didn’t mind other people’s stares, but she wanted to spare her sister an audience while she grappled with her fear and grief. She knew Paige didn’t have many chances to be vulnerable. She put on her typical brave and blustering front when she was with Zoe and even Weston. In a way, Tessa was honored that her sister had broken down in front of her. It was a rare thing for Paige.
She moved around the table to lay her cheek against Paige’s back, holding her as she cried. They remained in that position for some time until Tessa felt the sobs ebb and then stop. Only then did she straighten and take her seat again.
Paige drew a deep, haggard breath. “I realize I haven’t been the nicest sister to you over the last couple of years. I just couldn’t understand your choices. But that was unfair of me. I guess you never really know what another person is going through, do you?”
It would have been the perfect moment to open up, to share with Paige everything Tessa had struggled with since her diagnosis. But she didn’t say anything. She still wasn’t ready to explain her actions to her older sister. Not even now, when Paige was the most open and vulnerable she’d ever seen her.
“I’m sorry that I was so hard on you.”
“It’s okay.” After all, no one was harder on Tessa than she was on herself. She knew leaving her job had been a foolish move, but she’d let her heartbreak lead her. She didn’t regret not marrying Burke, now that he was happy. But she mourned the loss of her hopes and dreams, and she blamed herself for not being able to stand up against the grief.
“It’s not okay,” Paige responded, “but knowing you, I’m not surprised you’d say that.”
They sat there in sisterly silence for a few more minutes before Paige spoke again.
“This web series… It will be good for you? For your job?”
“It will,” Tessa admitted, “but that’s not why you should do it. If you choose to go through with it, it should be because it will benefit other families like yours, other children like Zoe.”
Paige considered this. “That’s good, then. It would be a way to turn all of this into something positive.”
Tessa nodded. “Exactly.”
“And if it helps you, too, all the better. But it’s not just about me or Weston. It’s also about Zoe. We should talk to her and see what she thinks.”
“You’re absolutely right. Do you want to talk to her about it or should I?”
“Why don’t we do it together?”
* * *
ZOE WAS ENTIRELY on board with the web series. Her first question was, “Will it be on YouTube?”
Tessa had overlooked the fact that kids Zoe’s age loved streaming videos. Apparently, some other patients on the floor had showed Zoe a few online videos of children in similar situations, and she was excited at the idea of being one of them.
Tessa wanted to make sure her niece fully understood what she was committing to, however, so she forced herself to bring up an unpleasant topic. She and Paige sat on opposite sides of the hospital bed. Weston was taking a much-needed break and had headed home to rest and shower.
“I’m glad you’re excited about this, Zoe, but I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it. Do you remember what we talked about, not long after you were admitted to the hospital, about the chemotherapy and your hair?”
Zoe frowned, remembering. “Yeah, that my hair will probably fall out, and I’ll be bald. Like Grandpa Everett.”
Grandpa Everett was Weston’s father, who was bald as an egg.
“Yes. When we film these videos, your hair will eventually start coming out, so you’ll be bald in a lot of the videos.”
This set Zoe back for a minute. She stared down at the bedspread and considered.
“But that happens to everyone when they get the cancer medicine, right?”
“A lot of the time,” Tessa agreed.
Zoe came to a decision with relative ease. “Then it’s okay. Dad said that’s part of my superpower. It’s how people will recognize that I’m a superhero.”
Tessa looked at her sister and saw Paige was smiling with tears in her eyes. “Your dad’s pretty smart,” she remarked.
“I know,” Zoe promptly replied. “He says that’s how I got to be so smart, too.”
Paige laughed. “Fair enough.”
“So you’re sure you’re okay with this, Zoe?” Tessa pressed. She wanted her niece to be positive about the idea but not to feel pressured.
Zoe nodded. “We’re gonna be famous!”
“I don’t know about that, but we’ll be doing something that might help other kids in the future.”
A film crew showed up at the hospital the next day. Tessa was in charge of giving them a tour of the hospital, introducing the staff and her family, and coordinating with the producer so they could begin filming immediately.
They arranged for interviews with Paige, Weston and Zoe, and then with Noah, to introduce him as Zoe’s doctor. When she told him about the interview, he showed the first hint of disapproval about the idea.
“What about my patients? I can’t neglect my obligations to them.”
“You won’t be,” Tessa pointed out. “Ana has already instructed the other doctors take some of your workload so you can devote the appropriate amount of attention to this project.”
Noah frowned. “Yes, but…”
“I thought you were all gung ho on this.”
“I’m not sure I’d say gung ho.” He cleared his throat. “Will you be there? For this interview, that is?” The words were patently nonchalant. If she didn’t know better, she’d almost think Noah was hoping she’d be there. That was a ridiculous thought, however. He’d been cool and distant over the last few days. He obviously regretted the way he’d opened up to her. Given the secret she’d held so tightly over the last two years, she couldn’t blame him.
“I’ll be there,” she said. “It’s my job. Ana wants me present for as many of the interviews as possible.”
“Ah.” He paused. “Well, I suppose I don’t have much choice.”
It wasn’t a very enthusiastic response, but it would have to be enough.