TESSA HAD KNOWN where Noah was from the moment he entered the room. Hard as she might try to ignore his presence, she found her attention wandering from Ana, her gaze flicking briefly to make sure he was still in her peripheral vision. She only lost track of him once, when Ana excused herself to go greet a few of the web series’ crew members. When Tessa’s eyes moved to check if Noah was still across the room with her dad, she was startled to see her father standing alone, looking rather contemplative.
Grace had fallen asleep in her arms and was growing rather heavy. Tessa shifted the baby a bit, and when she glanced up again, Noah was standing in front of her.
“Hey,” he greeted.
Her stomach performed a somersault that was becoming an all-too-familiar reaction when Noah was present.
“Hi,” she whispered, not so much because of Grace but because her voice failed her when Noah looked at her the way he was right now. His gaze didn’t waver, his eyes so intent on her that she had to look away or melt beneath the warmth of his stare.
“You made it,” she commented and then bit her lip at the obviousness of this statement.
“I made it,” he repeated.
She forced herself to meet his eyes, trying to appear casual. “I just thought, with your schedule, and everything…” She trailed off.
“If there’s an emergency, the hospital will call.” He finally pulled his gaze away from hers to scan the party. “Besides, I couldn’t miss Zoe’s big moment.”
Zoe looked their way just then, as if she’d heard her name. She beamed beneath her knit cap and waved. Her adult tooth had filled in the gap in her smile in recent weeks, so she no longer presented a childish grin. Noah waved back and smiled. Now it was Tessa’s turn to stare.
“You’ve changed,” she murmured, unable to keep the observation to herself. She’d recognized it weeks ago now but seeing how easily he smiled at Zoe made her stop and marvel. Noah didn’t look at her.
“Have I?” he asked, but she sensed he wasn’t really asking. He already knew the answer.
Grace sighed in her sleep, and Tessa rocked her gently. “You’ve found a way to smile again.”
He turned his face toward hers. “Maybe I found a new reason to smile.”
His eyes held hers for so long that she feared others would begin to notice. She cleared her throat and dropped her gaze. “I better lay Grace down.”
He didn’t follow as she threaded her way through the crowd, needing to catch her breath but also longing to stay in his presence. She found Vivienne and placed Grace in her grandmother’s arms. With her hands free, she moved to check the refreshments and make sure none of the snacks or drinks needed refilling.
Paige found her just as she’d finished pouring more pretzels into the plastic bowl.
“I was just coming to do that,” her sister said.
“Don’t worry, you should be out there celebrating.”
“So should you,” Paige replied. Tessa fished a pretzel out of the bowl and crunched on one end. Paige did likewise. “Seriously, Tessa, you are very much a part of this celebration.” And then, much to her surprise, her sister pulled her into her arms and hugged her long and hard. The minutes stretched by until Tessa found her grip tightening until they clung to each other, survivors of the storm.
Paige’s voice was thick with gratitude and tears as she said, “I could never have gotten through this without you. And if you hadn’t called Noah that night…who knows how long Zoe would have gone undiagnosed?”
She finally pulled back and looked at Tessa, placing one palm on either side of her face. “This celebration is for Zoe, but I hope you know that you are the hero of this story. If it wasn’t for you…”
Tessa marveled as Paige wiped at her tears. She had witnessed Paige cry before, though not often. But these tears were something different. They were tears of humility and hope, and Tessa had never seen the like of them in her sister’s eyes.
“Hey.” Tessa grabbed her sister’s hand. “Zoe’s going to be okay. You know that, right?”
Paige let out a soft little laugh. “Don’t you see? That’s why I can’t stop crying. Because I do know it. I feel like…like I’ve been given a gift. A second chance. I don’t plan on wasting it. So that’s why I have to tell you that you are the best kid sister a girl could ask for. Harper, too, but don’t let on that I said so.”
Apparently, not everything changed. But Tessa was relieved, in an odd way, that Paige’s rivalry with Harper would continue.
“Did I hear my name?” Harper appeared behind Paige. “And did you just say that I’m the best sister a girl could ask for?”
“Tessa. I meant Tessa.”
“Yeah, but you threw me in there, too. No take-backs.”
Paige and Harper continued to playfully argue, and Tessa felt a familiar ache as she watched them. One day, she would have liked to have daughters. To grow old and see them mature into women. She blinked back tears over what was never meant to be. Would she ever be able to forgive her body for its betrayal? Would there ever come a day when she didn’t experience a stab of grief at unexpected times? At least, for now, she told herself she was blessed to have her sisters.
Paige and Harper were still bantering as she threw her arms around them both. The gesture stunned them into silence, and after a moment, their arms circled around her.
“I think I’m going to like living so much closer to you guys,” Paige said.
“Haven’t I been telling you to move here for years?” Harper replied. “I mean, not to say I told you so or anything…”
“What do you mean, ‘I told you so’? I’m the one—”
“Paige?” Harper’s interruption silenced her sister. “Let’s just enjoy this moment, okay?”
And for once, Paige took Harper’s advice, drew her sisters close and didn’t say another word.
* * *
NOAH STAYED UNTIL the party wrapped up. He lingered long after the other guests had left, answering Paige and Weston’s questions and attempting to alleviate their concerns about caring for Zoe now that she was home. They’d taken classes on how to clean her chemo treatment port, the proper nutrition she should be getting, warning signs to watch out for, follow-up visits and a myriad of other details they needed to know now that they’d be caring for Zoe outside of the hospital.
While he spoke with Paige and Weston, the rest of the family cleaned up from the party. Zoe and Molly sat with Grace on the couch, taking turns waving toys in front of her and then falling into giggles as she cooed and grabbed for them. He was satisfied to see Zoe looking well, if a little tired. He reminded Paige and Weston to encourage her to rest.
Harper and Connor were the first of the family to leave, showering Zoe with kisses and the promise to let Molly come visit soon, and then bidding farewell to the rest of the group. Having imparted as much information and reassurance as he could, Noah knew he should head for home, but still, he waited. Allan gave him the in he’d been looking for when he asked Noah if he’d mind helping Tessa carry a few things out to the car.
Tessa was quiet as they loaded a box and several bags into Allan and Vivienne’s SUV. He didn’t break the silence, content to simply be in Tessa’s presence. But as they were heading back inside, he said, “It’s a beautiful night out. Do you mind if I walk you home?”
Tessa lived near enough to Paige and Weston’s new house that it was an easy walk. It was the perfect opportunity to spend a little extra time, just the two of them. His offer appeared to startle her, however. She blinked up at him, her hair burnished gold in the dying light.
“Um, what about your pickup?”
He shrugged. “I’ll come back for it. It’s not far. Besides, a walk will do me good. I don’t get enough fresh air. It probably makes me cranky.”
His teasing tone elicited a smile from her, and his heartbeat sped up at the sight, but Tessa still seemed uncertain. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”
He made a face. “You, an inconvenience? After all the effort you put into drawing me out of my shell?”
Her laughter only made him fall even harder for her.
“Well…okay,” she finally agreed when her humor settled. “Let me just say goodbye to Zoe and grab my house key.”
Noah waited outside. He’d already spoken to Zoe earlier, sharing his joy that she’d been released from the hospital and cautioning her that the battle still wasn’t over. He’d emphasized the victory in her release, however, and encouraged her to keep fighting. He also made sure she knew that he was in the fight with her, that just because she was no longer in the hospital didn’t mean he wouldn’t be there for her.
He touched his bare wrist, thinking of Ginny.
He’d surrendered his watch to Zoe, earlier in the evening. He’d waited until she had a break from all her well-wishers and while Molly was off getting them some snacks. Then he’d sat down next to her and removed the timepiece from his wrist, holding it in his palms as he spoke.
“I’ve told you about my daughter, Ginny,” he said, surprised, as he always was these days, that he was able to say her name so easily, “and how she gave me this watch. I’ve worn it every single day since her death, as a reminder. Of time. Of how little there sometimes is. And it’s never enough.” He drew a deep breath. “I didn’t get enough time with her.”
He swallowed. Zoe was quiet, but her eyes were knowing. He had seen such a look before, in many of the children he treated. Forced to grow old before they should have to, in order to fight a battle that didn’t discriminate by age. Children like Zoe knew more than they should…but it made them stronger than most people could ever hope to be.
“But while Ginny’s time here was short, I treasured every single second of it.” He held the watch out. “I believe, Zoe, that you are going to have plenty of time, a long life to fulfill your dreams. You still have a long road ahead of you, and I’m sure there will be a few rocky days ahead. But you hold on to this watch and remember that you’ll come out on the other side, whole and well with an entire world of possibility awaiting you. And when that day comes, I want you to pass this watch on to the next person who needs a reminder…or just a little hope.”
Zoe didn’t speak, but she held out her wrist, so he could place the straps around it, tightening the bands as small as they would go. It was still loose around her wrist, but she pushed it up her arm to hold it in place. And then she threw her arms around him, and her hug was enough to speak all the words that neither of them could say.
Now, as he waited outside for Tessa to reappear, he stared up into the night sky, drinking in the sight of so many stars. He’d made the right choice, moving here, to this town. He hadn’t imagined the miracle that had occurred—this slow healing of the wounds he’d carried for so long. But he was grateful for the chance to begin again, to cherish his memories more than he mourned them. It was a gift.
Like Tessa. She was a gift, too. If only he could find the words to tell her so.
His heart tripped over itself as he heard the front door open, and Tessa stepped out onto the porch. She held her keys in one hand and her phone in the other, and her face was flushed, whether from her goodbyes or the anticipation of the walk ahead, he wasn’t sure.
“Ready?” she asked, her voice a little breathless.
He smiled. “Ready,” he replied and held out his hand to ease her down the steps.
* * *
TESSA’S HEART WAS beating double time even though Noah kept a leisurely pace on the walk from Paige and Weston’s to her house. His request to walk her home had been unexpected, though not unwelcome. Still, she found herself flustered by her awareness of him beside her and was irritated by her own reaction.
They didn’t speak right away, strolling quietly together as they passed beneath the trees lining the street. Noah’s arm occasionally brushed against hers, and with every touch, she jumped a little. If he noticed, he didn’t remark on it, for which she was grateful. After a few minutes, she grew restless with the silence. She had the feeling that Noah wouldn’t speak until she did, allowing her to find the pace of conversation.
“Thank you for coming tonight. It meant a lot to Zoe, seeing you there.”
“I was honored to be invited.”
“You’re the hero of the hour, so of course you’d be invited.”
He shook his head. “Zoe is the hero. Not me. I give her the weapons, but she’s the one who fights the battle.”
Tessa stopped walking and turned to face him. “Why do you sell yourself short that way? You do everything you can for those kids. You fight right alongside them. If that doesn’t earn you some sort of accolades, I don’t know what does.”
Her own passion startled her. It was just that Noah tried so hard. He sacrificed his time and his tears for the children. It was more than a job for Noah. It was a crusade.
“You lost your daughter to this disease,” she softly noted, “but that doesn’t make you any less worthy to be the hero.”
Rather than arguing or brushing her off, Noah took a step closer to her and looked down at her with such intensity that it stole her breath away.
Her brain fired a warning that she should step back, gain some distance before she found herself falling even harder. But her heart refused to cooperate, stubbornly keeping her rooted to the spot as Noah raised his arm and cupped her cheek with his palm. His skin was warm and soft against hers, both soothing and electrifying where his fingers stroked the gentle curve behind her ear. She shivered at the touch, and he misunderstood, asking, “Are you cold?”
“No,” she answered breathlessly. “No, I’m not cold.”
He didn’t move, just kept looking down at her, his fingertips lightly caressing as he moved his palm down from her jaw to cup her chin.
“Do you need a hero, Tessa?” he asked. His voice came out low and gravelly, as if the weight of his emotion had turned the tone inside out.
Did she need a hero? She wasn’t sure there was any way to save her. She had come to think of herself as damaged in some way, defective so that no one could possibly want her. She was too scared and embarrassed to share her struggles with anyone. She didn’t know how to fix the things within her that were broken, and it didn’t seem right to put that burden on someone else. Especially someone like Noah, who had already shouldered so much grief in his life. A hero. How could she ask that of him?
“Noah, I…I’m not sure how to answer that.”
“Then don’t,” he replied and leaned down to meet her lips with his. His kiss was gentle and sweet, without pushing her for anything more than this moment. She supposed if anyone understood the importance of living in the moment, it was Noah.
He drew her into him, pulling her body against his in a sheltering gesture. She gave in, molding herself against him and only finding the will to keep standing because of his strength. She had been kissed before, many times. She’d been engaged to be married, after all, so she was no stranger to closeness.
But never had she been held like this. Not even by Burke, her former fiancé. Noah wrapped his arms around her as though she was infinitely precious, as if he didn’t want to hold her too tightly for fear of breaking her.
And she was afraid that this was exactly what was happening. She was shattering, from the inside out, her heart splitting with longing and uncertainty. Tentatively, she wrapped her arms around his waist to hold herself steady. He felt it and deepened the kiss, his mouth warm and gentle against hers, still not pushing for more than she was willing to give.
When he finally pulled his lips away, it was only to whisper her name, murmuring it against the edges of her mouth and then planting delicate little kisses along the bridge of her nose and up to her eyelids. Noah made her feel prized and precious, but if she didn’t pull away soon, she risked never regaining her emotional footing…and her heart.
“Noah.” She murmured his name as both a plea and a prayer.
He stilled, though he didn’t pull back right away. She treasured that moment, the way he held himself in check but didn’t immediately let go. She wanted nothing more than to stay in the circle of Noah’s arms. But Noah couldn’t help her. He couldn’t restore what her body had taken away, and she couldn’t reconcile herself to the loss.
He rested his forehead against hers, and she let him, struggling to find the courage to step out of his arms.
“Tessa,” he murmured her name once more, “I love you.”
She jerked in disbelief, breaking their embrace. She took a step back, staring at him. He loved her? The thought left her both giddy and alarmed. He couldn’t love her. He didn’t know the full story, had no idea what he was giving up if he chose her.
Noah was a good man, but even good men placed a certain value in a woman’s ability to conceive…didn’t they? She didn’t want him to think less of her, to look at her differently, but she knew that was inevitable. She just hadn’t expected him to say that he loved her.
“Do you mean that?” she asked, her voice a rough whisper.
He was gazing at her carefully, as if trying to read her thoughts.
“I do,” he replied, full of conviction. “You’ve changed me. You’ve changed everything for me. After Ginny and Julia died, my world became gray. But since you’ve come into my life, I see color…everywhere.”
She swallowed, the sincerity behind these words moving her deeply. But it changed nothing. It meant little that Noah loved her if she couldn’t love herself, if she couldn’t accept what her body could not give her. She would live her life in a cocoon of shame and uncertainty, constantly grieving the child she would never have. She refused to ask someone to bind their life to hers when she couldn’t even share the secret that haunted her.
She didn’t want to lead him on. It wasn’t fair. But when she opened her mouth to explain it, her heart quailed. She couldn’t tell him. No matter how much she needed to, she could not. An insistent pounding began at her temples, her blood pressure rising. Unable to find the words, Noah filled the silence.
“I still have some grieving to do, and I’m not the man I was once. But do you think…that there’s any chance…you could eventually feel the same way about me as I do for you?”
The nervousness in his words made her want to reassure him, to tell him that if she didn’t already feel the same way, she was almost there. But to admit this would complicate matters in the extreme. She couldn’t lead Noah along and pretend that there was a future for them when she didn’t know the answer to that question.
“I…” Her voice trembled, and then she felt his fingers brush against hers in the small space that separated them. Their fingertips touched and then intersected, and the solid warmth of his hand in hers buoyed her up. “It’s possible,” she breathed, inwardly cursing the words the instant they left her mouth.
It’s possible…if you can accept me for who I am and what I cannot give you.
She knew she should speak this thought aloud, now while the opportunity was before her. But again, her will failed, and she remained silent. Noah’s reaction to her words caused a physical ache in her chest. His face lit up with hope, his mouth widening into a heart-stopping smile.
He pulled her back into his arms before she could stop him and pressed his lips to hers once more. She resisted the embrace for a moment, afraid to encourage something she couldn’t guarantee. But his lips were so insistent, and her heart craved this feeling so much. For too long, she’d held back, anchored by the fear of how others would see her if they learned her secret, that for just one moment, she wanted to remember what it was to feel cherished.
So she let herself sink into Noah’s arms, her lips moving hungrily beneath his. He held her tighter, and as she stood there, in the moonlight, she didn’t allow herself to think of how Noah’s affections might change once he knew the truth.