NOAH ASKED HER if she’d like to have dinner with him the next day. Despite how her head cautioned her to say no, her heart prompted her to say yes. He picked her up at six the following evening, staring at her for a full minute as Rufus whined desperately for a greeting of his own. She brushed her dress self-consciously, wondering if the plaid vintage dress was too much for a casual evening out. Maybe this wasn’t a date, but just a night out as friends?
He quickly relieved her of that notion as he stopped staring and moved forward to brush a kiss against her cheek delicately. Her skin prickled, goose bumps rising, just from his nearness.
“You look beautiful,” he said, though the words weren’t necessary. His reaction had been enough. Still, it was nice to hear. He paused long enough to crouch down and give Rufus a decent scratch behind the ears before he asked if she was ready to go.
They drove to the waterfront as he explained that he’d reserved them a table at Callahan’s. She felt a ping of uneasiness. She loved eating at her brother-in-law and sister’s restaurant, but she didn’t know how she felt about them seeing her on a date with Noah. Not because she was embarrassed to be out with him but rather because of the questions it might raise.
Her family had pried in subtle and not-so-subtle ways to learn what had gone wrong between her and Burke when she left him standing at the altar. She had never told Burke the truth, much less her family.
She’d only dated one guy since Burke, and that had been a disaster. She wasn’t heartbroken over Miles Daly. In a way, he’d been little more than a test. She’d told him about her infertility one night, after they’d gone on their fifth date, and his reaction only solidified her internal struggles. The breakup with Miles hadn’t been a great loss, but the blame she’d heaped on herself afterward was reinforcement that she hadn’t forgiven her body for its betrayal.
It was tricky enough that she and Noah worked together. If she opened up and told him everything, and then he rejected her as Miles had, she’d still have to see him every single day. She wasn’t sure she could bear that kind of reminder.
But she’d agreed to this date, which meant she was considering a relationship. And if her family knew that, it would be much harder to explain why things hadn’t worked out than it had been with Miles, whom her family had never met.
Her head began to pound as Noah pulled into the parking lot of Callahan’s. She feared she might begin hyperventilating on the spot.
“Hey.”
She tried to mask her turmoil, but she realized she’d failed when she glanced in his direction.
“If you’d rather not—” he hesitated, as though searching for words “—have dinner with me, I’d understand. I can take you back home. I know we’re colleagues, and even though the hospital has no rules about coworkers dating—”
“No,” she said, her heart again speaking despite her head’s protest. “I mean, I do want to have dinner with you.”
He didn’t appear convinced, and he definitely looked concerned. Her stomach twisted so that she had to lay a hand over top of it to steady herself.
“And I’m starving,” she said by way of excuse. “In fact, I’ve been craving Connor’s crab bisque, so this is perfect.” Her voice was too high-pitched, and she tried to level it out. “I’m looking forward to it. I mean, our date, not just the crab bisque.”
Her cheeks began to flame as soon as she said the word date. She was making a mess of this, and Noah appeared bemused.
“Um, should we go inside?”
She scrambled to get out of the car before her mouth could run ahead of her brain once more. Noah came around the side of the vehicle just in time to help her out, and they walked side by side, not touching, toward the restaurant.
Of course, all the staff recognized her, and she tried to act casual as they greeted her the minute she stepped inside the door. She introduced Noah to a few people, and when they expressed their concern for Zoe, she made sure to point out Noah’s role as Zoe’s oncologist. He waved away the credit she attributed to him, but it felt strange and tense until they were finally led to a table with a view of the bay but still slightly secluded in the corner of the room.
Once they were seated, she relaxed a little. She didn’t see Harper or Connor anywhere, though it was likely at least one of them was somewhere in the restaurant. She and Noah perused the menu in silence, but she already knew what she wanted so she took the opportunity to re-center her emotions. By the time Stephen, their waiter, appeared to take their order, she was feeling a little bit better about the evening.
They each ordered an entrée, and Noah chose an appetizer to share. Then it was just the two of them once more, without the distraction of the menus between them, and they sat in uneasy silence for a minute before Noah spoke.
“What’s your favorite color?”
She had just taken a sip from her water glass, and the question took her off guard. She swallowed too quickly and then coughed, placing the glass back on the table as she cleared her throat.
“Sorry, um…what?”
“Your favorite color,” he prompted. “I feel like we’ve become close, and yet there are so many little things that I don’t know about you.”
She was conflicted, touched that he was interested but also wary that he felt they’d become close. Once he learned her secret, would he be as interested?
“Oh. It’s violet.”
“Purple?”
She shook her head. “Violet is softer than purple, more subtle. It’s not as bright.”
“Hmm. I never thought about it, but you’re right.”
“How about you?” she asked.
“Blue,” he replied.
“Turquoise, teal, periwinkle?”
He chuckled, and the sound was somehow soothing to her torn emotions. “I had no idea this question would be so complicated.”
“Hey, you asked,” she teased back.
Their conversation fell into an easy rhythm after that, and they shared little details about themselves right up until their entrées arrived, at which point the conversation shifted first to food, then family, childhoods and careers. The night flew by as they finished their meal and ordered dessert, and talk turned to the hospital, the gala in another two weeks and the success of the web series.
Tessa marveled at how comfortable she was with Noah. When she was able to stop worrying over what he’d think if he knew her secret, she relaxed and couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed herself so much.
They finished dinner, and Noah paid the bill while asking if she’d like to stroll along the waterfront and check out some of the shops. She eagerly agreed, nowhere near ready for the evening to end. They were just making their way back to the front of the restaurant when she saw them.
She involuntarily came to a halt. Noah, who had been holding her hand, felt her reaction and came to a stop, as well. She would have regathered her composure enough to keep walking, but it was too late.
As if sensing her gaze, Burke looked up and caught her eye, smiling when he recognized her. Her gaze moved slightly, and she realized he was with Erin, his wife. She schooled herself to relax. This wasn’t the first time she’d seen Burke and Erin together, but it had certainly been a while, and she’d never encountered him while on a date of her own before.
There were no hard feelings between them after their breakup, but the ghost of her own mysterious defection on their wedding day made things awkward.
Noah looked back and forth between her and Burke. She could sense the question on his face even though she could only see it peripherally.
Burke stood and gestured them over to his table. Unable to think of a reason to refuse, she walked to their table with Noah still holding her hand.
“Hello,” she greeted Burke and then Erin with a forced smile.
If there had even been any jealousy on Erin’s part for her husband’s former fiancée, Tessa had never witnessed it. Erin seemed secure in her husband’s love, and Tessa supposed that was because the two of them had known each other since they were teenagers. Erin had been married to Burke’s brother, Gavin, before Gavin died. Burke had had a very tumultuous childhood, and she didn’t begrudge him the happiness he’d found with his former sister-in-law.
Burke and Erin were staring at her expectantly, and she realized, just a beat too late, that they hadn’t met Noah.
“Oh! Burke, Erin, this is Noah. Noah, this is Burke and Erin.” She stopped short of attempting to explain the complicated relationships between them all, but Noah must have remembered the name of her former fiancé because his hand tightened, almost imperceptibly, in hers. He used his free hand to shake Burke’s, and then Erin spoke up.
“Oh, you’re Zoe’s doctor,” Erin realized, her smile broadening. “Harper told me about you. She said you’re amazing.”
“Hardly that,” Noah said self-deprecatingly, “but I’ll have to thank her for saying so.”
They asked after Zoe, and Noah said more than she did. Tessa began to relax, feeling the reassurance of Noah’s hand in hers. She may have been uncertain about her and Noah’s future, but she had nothing to fear here. She was happy for Burke, glad that he had found love with Erin. Any jealousy she might have experienced had evaporated in the time that had passed.
Burke and Erin were talking about Kitt, Erin’s son whom Burke had now adopted, explaining that he was home with Aunt Lenora, Burke’s great-aunt who lived with them.
“We’re actually celebrating,” Erin noted, her tone uncharacteristically shy.
Burke looked at her then, his face suddenly beaming.
“Oh?” Noah asked. “Are there some sort of congratulations in order?”
“There are,” Burke said, “since we just found out that Erin is expecting.”
The smile remained pasted on Tessa’s face, though the announcement struck to her very core, wounding her more than any knife could have. Noah reacted accordingly with congratulations while Burke and Erin gazed at each other with the expressions of two people who were totally in love. Tessa felt sick. She was still smiling, but she couldn’t open her mouth, couldn’t voice the congratulations she didn’t feel.
Erin was going to have a baby. Tessa had broken up with Burke for this very reason. Because she knew she’d never see this expression on his face if he’d married her. They’d never have a child of their own. She didn’t regret her decision not to marry him. But to be confronted now with the fact that Erin would bear him a child when Tessa had known she never could… It hurt.
She nearly doubled over with the pain of it, the sharp reminder that her womb was an empty and barren thing.
“Are you okay?” She looked into Noah’s eyes and saw his concern for her. “You’re very pale.”
“Am I?” She touched her cheeks. “Maybe it was something I ate.” She didn’t want to blame the restaurant when the meal had been absolute perfection, but she needed an excuse, some reason for her discomfort.
Burke and Erin were still focused on each other, though, so it appeared her reaction hadn’t even been noticed. Erin looked so…content. Fulfilled. She was already a mother, and now she would be again. Tessa knew she shouldn’t resent her. It wasn’t Erin’s fault that Tessa’s own body had betrayed her. But everyone around her took their ability to conceive for granted while she wrestled on a daily basis with the fact that she would likely never carry a child in her womb.
“We should leave you two to your celebration,” she announced, drawing Burke and Erin’s attention back to her. “Please enjoy your dinner.”
She pulled her hand from Noah’s and started for the door, desperate to get there before the tears managed to find a way to fall.