NOAH MUMBLED A farewell and hurried after Tessa as she fled the restaurant. She was walking ahead of him, heading for his pickup.
“Tessa!” he called. She had to have heard him—they were only a short distance apart—but she continued with dogged determination. She never wavered, never turned her head to check if he was following her. When she reached the vehicle, she stopped and moved her head from side to side, as if she were lost and wasn’t sure which direction to take. He caught up with her seconds later and placed a hand on her shoulder. She whirled around to look at him, and he saw that her eyes were wide with unshed tears.
“Tessa.” He whispered her name as uneasiness coiled in his stomach. “What’s wrong?”
“Take me home,” she choked out, her voice ragged. “Please just take me home.”
He opened his mouth to ask more questions, to try and find out what had changed in the last few minutes to bring her to a state of tears and want to end their night so unexpectedly. They’d been having a good time…hadn’t they? Until…
Burke.
She’d told him she no longer had feelings for her former fiancé. Had she lied? The idea left him hurt and bewildered, the food they’d enjoyed suddenly sitting heavy in his stomach. How could he have overlooked something so obvious?
He thought he’d been paying more attention to Tessa than he had with Julia. He was desperate not to make the same mistakes again. Was he really so clueless when it came to others’ emotions?
“Please, Noah,” she pleaded as one tear and then another fell.
“Okay,” he relented. “Okay.”
He opened the truck door and held it for her as she climbed inside. He waited until she was seated before he gently closed it and moved to the driver’s side. The ride back to Tessa’s cottage was painfully quiet. Tessa took a ragged breath once and then exhaled sharply. He turned his head to look at her, and her face, in profile, was red with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Tessa,” he murmured, “are you okay?”
She wiped at her tears, as though embarrassed, and just nodded. His uneasiness grew, smothering the happiness he’d been experiencing less than a half hour before. What did her tears mean? He had no context to the situation other than to assume the worst: that despite what she’d told him, she was still in love with Burke Daniels, and his announcement that his wife was expecting had thrown her into heartbreak. Once again, he had failed the woman he loved. He hadn’t seen her pain…and to know that the cause was someone she’d once loved only added to his anguish.
He should have realized. How had he dared to hope again, to believe that love was worth risking his heart? True, it hadn’t been death that had stolen Tessa away. It was only her past, the lure of the love she’d given up. But that was just it. Hadn’t she said that she was the one to break things off with Burke? How could he have missed this? Maybe he was simply incapable of giving her what she needed. In which case…did it mean they shouldn’t be together?
These thoughts tormented him throughout the drive, and when he pulled into her driveway, he turned to face her before she could try and escape.
“Tessa, talk to me.” He tried to form the words, to ask if she still loved Burke, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to say it. He’d opened his heart again. He’d given it to Tessa, and when she told him it was possible for her to love him, too, hope had settled into the dark and empty caverns of his loss. It was devastating to consider he’d lost her before they’d even begun.
She was quiet for a very long time, the tears still flowing and her breath catching in her throat several times, as though she were holding back sobs. She stared down into her lap, twisting her fingers in agitation until she finally found whatever courage she’d been seeking. Turning her head, she looked him in the eyes.
“This was a mistake. I’m so sorry. I can’t… We shouldn’t… Let’s just go back to the way things were, okay?”
He didn’t know his heart could break so thoroughly yet again. Hadn’t it been scarred and hardened enough? It was stupid of him to think he’d found love once more. He didn’t deserve it. Perhaps Tessa had realized that, too.
“I’m sorry,” Tessa said again, and he felt a twinge of guilt. It wasn’t her fault. He couldn’t blame her for not loving him. She was sweet and kind, a light in the very dark center of his soul. He wasn’t worthy of someone like her. Maybe he wasn’t worthy of anyone. He might have come to peace with Ginny’s death, but Julia’s still haunted him. Perhaps curing his daughter had been beyond his control but recognizing his wife’s pain shouldn’t have eluded him. He should have been a better man. He wanted to be better, for Tessa. But maybe he wasn’t capable of that. Perhaps it was time to let her go?
“It’s all right,” he said, his voice so low with sadness that he had to clear his throat and try again. “It’s okay. I understand.”
She took another breath, the sob catching before she could release it.
“It was probably a bad idea anyway. With us being coworkers and all,” he said. He was just making excuses now, trying to smooth over the sting and sorrow. Maybe they could maintain the friendship they’d developed. But he knew that was a lie. He couldn’t go back to seeing Tessa only as a friend. He’d allowed himself to wish for too much. But for her sake, he would make every effort to behave as though his heart wasn’t broken, to act as though it wasn’t a great loss. He loved her, though, and he wasn’t sure he could pretend otherwise.
“I’m so sorry,” she said yet again.
“Tessa, you don’t have to apologize,” he said. “It’s not your fault.”
They sat there a moment more, and Noah couldn’t help wondering if she recognized what he did: that after she left him, things would never be the same again. If he could have stopped time in that moment, he would have, just to pretend for a little bit longer that there was hope for the future.
When Tessa finally placed her hand on the door handle and pulled, the sound was loud and final in the stillness.
He thought about getting out and going to hold the door for her, but he wasn’t sure he could will himself to do it. Not when he knew that everything between them was so final. Tessa hesitated with her hand on the door anyway, and he prayed, for one wild moment, that something might have changed, that she’d tell him she was just kidding, and really, he was the one she wanted more than anything.
Just like he wanted her.
But after several more heartbeats, she pushed the pickup door the rest of the way open and climbed out.
“Thank you for dinner,” he heard her say as the door slammed closed.
* * *
THE WEEK THAT followed was a contradiction for Tessa. While she was thrilled to have Zoe living nearby and witness firsthand how well her niece was doing on her outpatient regime, life at the hospital had become painfully difficult. She still saw Noah every day, but they had fallen into a routine of avoidance once again.
It hurt more than she could have imagined.
Noah was never rude. If they ran into each other, he was unfailingly polite but also distant. It reminded her of their first days working together at the hospital and how he’d been cold and unsociable. She didn’t sense that same aloofness in him, but sometimes, she almost wished he’d behave that way again. At least his condescending demeanor had allowed her to dislike him. This formal politeness was difficult to bear. It was as if they really were no more than friendly colleagues. She hated it.
Gone were the moments where his face lit up when she entered a room. She hadn’t even quite realized how much those little reactions meant to her until he began schooling his face to remote politeness when she appeared. She knew he was trying his best to make this easier on the both of them, but she couldn’t escape the burden of guilt she experienced. If only she was normal, if only her condition didn’t hang over her to the point where she couldn’t discuss it with anyone.
She knew there was still a very remote possibility she could one day have children of her own. But with her background in medicine, she understood the odds were against her, as well as the costs associated with it. Infertility treatments weren’t cheap, and there was no guarantee that they would work. On top of that was the emotional seesaw of hope, waiting and disappointment, a cycle that might be repeated over and over without success.
Of course, adoption was a possibility, but she wasn’t sure she should consider that option. Not until she could find a way past her feelings of betrayal. Her body had failed her, utterly and thoroughly. Until she learned to accept that, it wasn’t fair to even consider adopting a child.
Nor was it right to enter into a relationship. Not even with Noah, who had changed so much and shared his heart with her. He deserved someone who could help him over the walls of his grief, but she could barely get a handhold on her own. It was better this way, for the two of them to part as friends. After all, even if she told him the truth, he was kind enough that he’d tell her it didn’t matter. But it did. It mattered to her.
She avoided saying anything to her family about Noah, at least right away. There was nothing to report anyway—none of them knew about the kiss after Zoe’s party, nor about the date that followed.
But they suspected something, she was sure of it. Her uncharacteristic actions over the last couple of years had made them sensitive to her moods and decisions. She’d tried to downplay things, but that never worked, especially where her sisters were concerned. They saw right through her excuses.
They all liked Noah, not only for how he’d taken care of Zoe, but also for how kind he’d been to her. To all of them.
The memory of it made her heart ache anew, but she held fast in her decision not to share her heartbreak with anyone.
She did, however, finally have to admit to her family a little of what was going on.
Harper called to invite her to dinner that Saturday night at her and Connor’s house. Paige and Weston, along with Zoe, were coming, too, but their parents were spending the weekend in DC, so they wouldn’t be joining them.
Tessa hesitated, not really in the mood to be social, even with her family. But she hadn’t seen Zoe all week, and part of her longed to hold Grace in her arms and ask Molly if she was excited about the upcoming school year.
“I’m not sure if I can make it or not,” Tessa hedged as she held her cell phone in one hand and moved her computer mouse with the other, navigating through her emails as she finalized details of the gala taking place the following weekend.
Harper laughed, a flutter of amusement on the other end of the line. “Just invite him along, Tessa.”
She swallowed hard, her hand stilling on the mouse.
“W-what?”
“Noah. We know you’re hanging out with him, so just bring him along to the dinner. He’s more than welcome.”
Tessa pulled her hand away from her computer and placed it in her lap, picking nervously at the fabric of her tweed skirt.
“I can’t, we…” She bit her lip, eyes closing. There was no point making up some ridiculous excuse. Better off to just tell her sister the truth and get things out of the way. “Noah and I are coworkers, that’s all.”
“C’mon, Tessa, you don’t need to be shy. We all really like him. He’s good for you.”
Harper’s words only made the situation worse. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to cry.
“I’m not being shy. I’m serious. Noah and I are coworkers. That’s it.”
Harper was silent for a full five seconds. “Tess…what happened?”
“Nothing happened. Noah and I have always just been colleagues.”
She knew it sounded lame. All evidence pointed to the contrary. She and Noah had grown close, expanding beyond the bounds of employee camaraderie. Her family had witnessed it, both inside the hospital and out.
Harper was quiet again on her end. Tessa prayed she didn’t ask any more questions. Her throat was already thick with suppressed tears.
“Okay.” Harper’s tone was heavier than it had been moments ago. “But you’ll still come to dinner, right?”
She knew her sister was worried and probably wanted her there as much to assess her emotional state as for company.
“Sure. I’ll come.” She didn’t want to, but to refuse would only cause Harper to do something drastic like bring the entire family to her place.
“Good. That’s good.”
She felt bad for worrying her sister.
“Harper, I’m fine, okay? Don’t stress about me.”
“Well, you’re my baby sister so that’s kind of my job.”
The words caused a flood of affection. “I know, but we’re not kids anymore. I can handle stuff on my own.”
“I never said you couldn’t. The point is that you don’t have to. You know I’m here for you, right? Paige, too. And Mom. All of us.”
“Yes, and I love you all for it. But seriously, there’s nothing going on. I’m fine.” It was a lie she’d told so often by now that she was able to speak it without any sort of hesitation anymore. If only it would become true if she said it enough times.
Harper sighed but didn’t push. “We’ll see you at six on Friday night, then?”
“I’ll be there,” Tessa promised.
She quickly ended the call before Harper could change her mind and ask any more questions that Tessa did not want to answer.