THE WEATHER ON Friday night was perfect for a cookout—mild and pleasant with a light breeze. Thankfully, other than Zoe asking about Noah, none of her family questioned her about him when she showed up alone—with the exception of Rufus—at Connor and Harper’s for dinner.
They ate out on the back patio, and the conversation flowed around her with no references to the hospital. She wondered if Harper had warned them ahead of time to steer clear from any mention of Noah. If so, she was both annoyed and grateful. She didn’t like being handled with kid gloves, but on the other hand, she hadn’t given her family much choice. They sensed something was wrong, had sensed it for a very long time, but they also knew she stubbornly refused to talk about it. She couldn’t expect any less for her behavior.
The steak Connor had grilled was delicious, done with his typical culinary skill. Tessa’s jaw nearly dropped open when she caught Paige slipping Rufus a bite from her plate. The bulldog licked his chops and offered a little bark of thanks as Paige patted him on the head. Her sister had truly changed if she was willing to not only feed Rufus but pet him.
She was glad her dog had gotten the chance to enjoy the steak because she barely tasted it. Her mind kept straying, wondering if Noah had stayed late at the hospital or if he was home now. Was he alone? Did he miss her as much as she missed him? Several times during dinner, she cut these thoughts off and made an effort to join the dinner conversation, only to find her mind drifting again after a couple of minutes.
At one point, she heard giggling and looked up to see Molly and Zoe, heads bent together with Molly’s hair brushing against Zoe’s bald scalp, as they shared some girlish secret. It was only then that she realized Zoe hadn’t asked to sit beside her, as she usually did. Zoe was in between her mom and her cousin, seemingly content at Paige’s side.
The sight struck a chord of jealousy, which Tessa knew was ridiculous. She wanted Paige and Zoe to have a good relationship. And as she watched, Paige’s arm automatically reached out to rub her daughter’s back, as though reassuring herself that Zoe was still there and not some figment of imagination. Zoe turned to her mom and offered a bright smile. Something about the sight…the shared expression of love, of that bond between mother and child, of everything they had conquered and all the days yet to come…it struck Tessa hard, bringing together all the frustration, grief and uncertainty of the last two years.
She pushed back her chair abruptly.
“Excuse me.”
The table fell silent at her sudden departure. She could feel the wall of quiet at her back as she fled inside the house and into Harper and Connor’s kitchen. She thought about leaving, but that would only make matters worse. She just needed a minute to compose herself and then she’d go outside again.
There was a stack of dishes in the sink, and she zeroed in on them, grabbing a scrub brush and attacking the bowl Connor had used to whip the mashed potatoes. She scrubbed with a singular determination, trying to focus on the dried potato crust clinging to the bowl and not her own shattered heart. She didn’t know how long she stood there, but there was a stack of immaculate dishes piled beside her when she heard Harper say her name.
“Tessa.”
She turned to see Paige and Harper standing in the kitchen, watching her with concern in their eyes.
“I’m fine,” she said. She couldn’t bear pity or whispers or the walking on eggshells when conversation about babies or children came up. She didn’t want people to be afraid to talk about their families with her. This was her burden, and she didn’t want to share it.
“Tessa,” Paige said, “something is obviously wrong. Why can’t you tell us what it is?”
Tessa felt the frayed edge of her nerves beginning to unravel further.
“I don’t know how many times I have to say it… Nothing is wrong.”
“Tess,” Harper tried to intervene, “we’re just worried. We care about you.”
Tessa reached for a nearby dish towel to wipe her hands. “I appreciate that, but you guys don’t need to worry. I’m not a child.”
“But you’re our kid sister,” Paige said. “We can’t help it. Maybe it’s a mom thing. You’ll understand when you have kids of your own.”
These words, from Paige’s lips of all people’s, finally caused Tessa to crack.
“You don’t own the market on motherhood, Paige,” she snapped, “and that’s just the problem—I’ll never have kids of my own, so I guess I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be you.”
Her little outburst stunned them into silence. She’d never shouted at her sisters before. Not even as children, when they’d get into fights. In fact, she’d never fought with them. She’d always been the peacemaker, the one that pulled them all together. She was the good one. She remembered her dad once telling someone that Tessa was an angel. She didn’t feel very angelic right now.
“Tessa.” Paige’s tone was scolding. “Don’t be dramatic. Just because you and Noah are having some sort of spat—”
“Paige,” Harper warned. Paige had never been the most emotionally astute of the three of them, but Harper could obviously see how close Tessa was to the edge.
“Well, it’s true. She’s finally getting her life back on track, and it’s obvious to everyone she and Noah are crazy about one another. Just because they’ve had some sort of tiff doesn’t mean she has to act like an angst-ridden teenager.”
Tessa threw the hand towel at Paige. It flopped against her face and then fell to the floor. If Tessa hadn’t been so angry, it might have been comical, exacerbated by Paige’s shocked expression.
“Noah and I are not together,” she cried, “and we never will be! That’s what I’m trying to tell you—I cannot have children! That’s why I left on the day of my wedding. It’s why I quit my job at the doctor’s office—because I couldn’t bear to work with kids every single day, knowing I’d never be able to conceive one of my own!”
The tears came then, tears she had wept in private and tears she’d swallowed in public, tears that had been pooling inside of her for months upon months. Tears to represent lost dreams. Tears to wash away her hopes. Tears of worry that she hadn’t allowed when Zoe had been diagnosed. Tears to drown herself in sorrow. She found herself sinking to Harper’s kitchen floor and weeping out every emotion she’d kept to herself for so long.
It was only moments before she felt her sisters beside her, one on either side, their arms coming around her in silent support.
For the first time since she’d been diagnosed with early-onset menopause and learned about her infertility, she let herself cry without inhibition, without fear of others finding out her secret or asking her questions. She just let herself weep, emptying out an endless stream of sadness and mourning. She choked out her story, her symptoms, the visit to the doctor, the diagnosis and all the months that followed.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Harper asked after her tears finally began to ease.
She sniffed, her nose clogged from her crying spell. “Because I didn’t want you feeling sorry for me or trying to make it better and somehow making it even worse.”
“And you didn’t want us to look at you differently, to think less of you. Or like you were a failure.”
Tessa frowned at Paige’s assessment. “Yeah. Exactly.”
Paige shifted slightly, leaning back against the cabinets, her arm brushing against Tessa.
“It took four attempts with in vitro for me to get pregnant with Zoe.”
Tessa blinked. Harper must have been equally as shocked, based on the way she spluttered, “What? Really?”
Paige nodded. “My eggs weren’t viable, and I just couldn’t get pregnant. So we saw a specialist.”
“You never mentioned any of that,” Tessa said.
“This family and their secrets,” Harper muttered.
“For all the reasons you just mentioned,” Paige said. “I felt like a failure.”
“I didn’t even know you wanted to be a mom that much,” Tessa murmured. “I thought with Zoe, that it just happened, so you and Weston went with it.”
Paige shook her head. “We both wanted it. I mean, maybe it started out with Weston wanting it more, but the more difficult it became, the more obsessed I got with becoming pregnant. So then…” She swallowed. “When Noah first started asking questions about Zoe, that’s why I got so defensive. Because I thought I had failed as a mother…again. That I had barely been able to conceive Zoe and then I was going to lose her because I hadn’t been a good enough mom. When she was diagnosed, I figured I was being punished for not appreciating her more, after how hard it was to get pregnant with her.”
“Paige.”
“I know—” she cut Harper off “—I know. But it’s one thing to understand the facts in your head and another to accept it in your heart.”
The words struck Tessa. There were so many things she knew in her head but convincing her heart was another matter entirely.
“I finally decided, though, that it wasn’t a punishment but rather a second chance. A reminder that my daughter is precious, and I should never take that for granted again. It’s why Weston and I chose to move here. In fact, I’ve been talking to Dad… I think I’m going to resign my position at his firm in DC and take over as a general manager of the Delphine. It will mean a significant pay cut, but it’ll be worth it to be able to have more time with my daughter.”
“That’s a great idea,” Tessa said.
“I agree,” Harper added.
“Well, I have to admit that this town has grown on me. It’s a good place to raise a family.”
Tessa felt Paige cringe as soon as she said the words. “I didn’t mean…”
“See? That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t want you guys to be afraid to say that sort of thing around me.”
“You know you can always adopt,” Harper suggested. “I love Molly just as much as if I had given birth to her myself.”
“Yes, but it still means I will never carry a child in my womb.”
“But maybe with infertility treatments, like Paige, you could.”
Harper meant well, but she didn’t understand.
“I’ve discussed those options with several doctors. Yes, it’s a possibility. But the odds aren’t good. It’s really expensive, and I could have a dozen treatments, and it might never work.”
“And each time,” Paige added, “you get your hopes up, thinking this will be it. But when it isn’t, it feels like you lost a child in some ways. Because you did. You lost the child that you’re afraid you will never have.”
Tessa stared at Paige, stunned that her oldest sister understood so well.
“So that’s why you and Noah broke up?”
“We didn’t break up,” Tessa quickly pointed out. “We were never together.”
Harper ignored this. “And Burke, too? What is wrong with these guys? Just because you can’t have a biological child of your own—”
“I never told them.”
These words silenced both of her sisters for a minute.
“You never explained to Burke why you stood him up at the altar?” Paige asked, an echo of disbelief in her tone. “You just let him think you didn’t want to marry him?”
Tessa looked down and tugged at the hem of her shirt. “It was more than that. I mean, yes, I knew how much he wanted a family of his own one day. And after the childhood he had, he deserved one. Plus, I just… I had a feeling it wasn’t right. I loved him. But it was as if the universe was telling me something when I found out I wouldn’t be able to give him the family he wanted. And I learned about it only a couple of weeks before we were supposed to get married. At first, I didn’t think I could call it off. But then, on the day of the wedding, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry him without telling him the truth, and I just wasn’t prepared to do that. So I ran instead.”
“And you never gave him an explanation?” Harper repeated. “He still thinks you just walked away?”
Tessa sniffed, feeling defensive. “It worked out the way it was supposed to. He married Erin instead. And…and I s-saw him the other night. He got what he wanted. Erin’s p-pregnant.” She had to force the words out before she choked on them.
“Oh, Tessa.” Paige moved to wrap an arm around her, drawing her close.
“It’s not about Burke,” she managed to say, battling off another round of tears. “I’m happy for him. But it’s just something I wouldn’t have been able to give him. It’s the thing I can’t even give myself.”
Harper got up long enough to grab another clean dish towel and handed it to her so she could wipe her face.
“And what about Noah?” Harper asked in a gentle tone.
Tessa shook her head. She didn’t want to talk about Noah.
“If it wasn’t related to your condition, then why did you guys break up?”
Tessa signed in exasperation. “Harper, we were never together so how could we break up?”
Her sisters shared a glance over her head but Tessa didn’t have the energy to remark on it.
“I think you should tell him,” Harper said. “You’re basing everything on the assumption you’ll be rejected. How do you know unless you try?”
“I did try,” she argued. “You remember that guy I dated for a few weeks this past winter? Miles?”
“Oh, yeah. The mystery man,” Paige said.
“We called him that because we never got to meet him,” Harper spoke apologetically.
Tessa ignored these comments. “We went on a handful of dates before I mentioned my condition. It’s not like we were getting really serious, but I just… I needed to see his reaction.” She wiped at her nose with the dish towel. “I wish now that I hadn’t. He finished out the date, but then he called me the next day to say we really weren’t right for each other, that we had different priorities. As if I chose this problem.”
Harper uttered a few choice names for Miles beneath her breath.
“But you can’t give up. Noah’s different.”
Tessa knew what Paige was trying to say, but she was still scared. Her sisters were right; she hadn’t dated Miles that long. But that was sort of the point. If it hurt that much when Miles rejected her, how much more devastating would it be when Noah did?
“I know that. But it’s not just about Noah and how he might react. It’s about…me. Learning to forgive myself, to accept that my body failed me. If I can’t do that, then I don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone. It’s not fair to them, especially not Noah. He’s already been through so much.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why you two are meant to be together,” Paige suggested. “Because if anyone is strong enough to stand with you, it’s Noah.”
Paige had a point about Noah’s strength. To have come through the loss he had suffered and still be willing to love again… It left her in awe. But that was exactly why Tessa felt Noah deserved better. He’d had enough challenges in his past relationships. She didn’t want to add to that burden.
“You should at least talk to Burke,” Harper said. “You owe him an explanation.”
“I did explain,” Tessa defended. “Sort of. I just didn’t give him all my reasons.”
Paige and Harper’s silence chastised her.
“Burke has moved on! He and Erin are sickeningly in love, and they’re going to have a baby together. The last thing he wants is me telling him the real reason I didn’t marry him. It’s better just to leave things as they are.”
“Better for who?” Harper pushed. “Burke is happy now, but he still deserves to hear the real reason. You were going to spend the rest of your lives together, and he has no real understanding of why you didn’t show up that day. Plus, laying everything on the table might make you feel a lot better.”
Tessa considered Harper’s words. Was there a possibility her sister could be right? Would telling Burke lift some of the guilt and shame she felt so acutely? If it helped, even in some small measure, to come to terms with her situation, then maybe it was worth a shot.
“Paige, what do you think?”
Though she normally preferred Harper’s advice to Paige’s, her oldest sister had some understanding of what she was going through.
“Talk to him,” Paige agreed. “I don’t know if you owe it to him or not. But you certainly owe it to yourself.”
She wasn’t sure she was ready for that conversation. But she had to admit that telling her sisters hadn’t been as terrible as she’d imagined it would be. They weren’t treating her like they pitied her, and the weight of this secret she’d been carrying for so long didn’t feel quite so heavy at the moment.
“I’ll consider it,” she said.
“Okay. And remember, we’re here for whatever you need,” Paige said.
Harper took her hand and squeezed it. “Even if it’s just a reminder that while you may not be a mother, you are still the greatest sister, aunt and daughter that this family could ask for.”
These words offered a small balm of reassurance. She may not have a child of her own and maybe she never would. But she had her family, and that was a very precious gift indeed.