NOAH STEPPED INTO the ballroom of the Delphine resort and paused on the threshold, awestruck by the grand scope of the room. Allan Worth was not one to do things by halves, but still, the ballroom of his Findlay Roads luxury resort was impressive. No wonder Tessa had suggested holding the gala here.
The ceilings were edged with decorative crown molding with a motif that represented crashing waves, the detail evident from the light of the dozen chandeliers spread across the room. The walls were papered in gold threaded with pale blue accents. The carpet was an interlocking design of swirls in colors of gold and a seafoam that perfectly picked up on the blue in the wallpaper.
A hundred tables must have been scattered throughout the room, each draped by a crisp white tablecloth and holding a vase with blue stones, a branch and a calla lily. The effect was rustic but elegant. No less than he would have expected for Tessa being in charge.
There were two very large flat-screen televisions mounted in separate corners of the room. Each was streaming muted episodes of the web series. He saw his own face flash briefly on the screen before he looked away. He noted several large placards around the room featuring the faces of his patients along with facts and statistics about childhood cancers. The attendees mingled around these displays, a glittering exhibition of some of the wealthiest and most successful people affiliated with the hospital.
Noah stepped farther into the room and continued to scan its occupants. He told himself he was looking for any familiar face, but the truth, he knew, was that he was looking for Tessa. They’d been so formal and professional with each other in the last two weeks that he didn’t expect things to be any different tonight. But being out of the hospital setting and in such a charming atmosphere, he couldn’t help hoping… Well, he wasn’t sure exactly what he hoped for. He was only sure that Tessa was at the center of it.
“She did an amazing job, didn’t she?”
He turned at the sound of Ana’s voice at his elbow. She was sipping from a fluted glass, presumably champagne, and admiring the decor of the ballroom, as he had been doing a moment before. She handed him the second glass she held, which he accepted, though he didn’t drink.
“I have to admit, when you first hired her, I never would have expected…” He trailed off. There were so many things he hadn’t expected. Not just Tessa’s skill at her job but the way she had come into his life, a breath of fresh air and sunshine, to chase away the funereal gloom.
She might not love him. Her heart might still long for her former fiancé, though he didn’t understand why she had left him at the altar if that were the case. But maybe, one day, her feelings would change. He hoped he’d be there and have the chance to win her if that happened. For now, it would have to be enough that they were colleagues. And his next step was to try and reestablish the friendship that he’d unintentionally fractured. He planned to take the first steps toward that tonight, if possible.
“I confess, I had a few doubts myself. Tessa is more than capable, but when I first met her, I worried that she was too…soft for the job. But she has proven, especially through the situation with her niece, to have both an iron strength and a notable kindness.”
Noah liked that. It summed Tessa up very well.
“It’s a wonder she’s still a single woman,” Ana remarked, and Noah tried not to flinch.
“Well, Tessa may have a wealth of skills, but we have just established that subtlety is not one of yours, Ana.”
She laughed at the jab but, thankfully, didn’t pursue the subject further. He was left to scan the ballroom once more, not caring if he was obvious about it, as he wondered where Tessa was hiding. Perhaps she was still attending to details for the event. That would make sense. He longed to see her, however, even if it was only for a moment.
He was distracted as several people recognized him, whether from the web series or the advertisements noting him as a keynote speaker at the event, he couldn’t be sure. Ana helped answer questions about the hospital and his role, and the crowd grew as he shared his passion for his work and the need for continued funding for patients. As the questions continued, he realized with some surprise that he was actually enjoying himself. He didn’t mind being the center of attention in this instance, sharing stories about his patients and his work at Chesapeake View. He credited his ease to Tessa. She’d changed the way he looked at these events, shifting his viewpoint so he could see the good in them. He continued the conversation until his audience was distracted by something Ana pointed out on the television screens, allowing him a reprieve.
Finally able to pull away, he turned and immediately locked eyes with Tessa, who had apparently been watching as he fielded questions from the gala’s attendees. He moved toward her without hesitation, before someone else could interrupt.
As he drew nearer, he was able to take a good look at her, admiring the cut of her navy blue gown and the tousled upsweep that held her blond hair in place. His heart began to hammer madly with each step he took closer to her until they finally stood face-to-face.
“Hello, Tessa,” he greeted, his fingers flexing at his sides with the desire to touch her. “You look…beautiful.”
He watched her eyes shine as he spoke the last word, gratified that every bit of feeling he possessed must have been conveyed in how he said it.
“Thank you,” she murmured and then, “Can we talk? In private?” she added.
His interest stirred. There was no way he would deny such a request.
“Of course.”
She took his hand, and the touch of her skin on his only increased his curiosity and longing. He allowed her to lead him around the perimeter of the ballroom and toward the French doors that opened onto the outdoor balcony. He feared they might be intercepted along the way, but they managed to escape the gala without anyone stopping them to chat. Once they were outside, Noah breathed in the crisp evening air and felt himself relax. Tessa had done an amazing job with the gala, but the crowd and the stuffy atmosphere left him uncomfortable. He much preferred it out here…with Tessa.
He felt a twinge of sadness as she released his hand, leaving it cold and empty. She took several steps away from him, then turned to face him, her eyes luminous in the light of the moon, as she said, “There’s something I want to tell you.”
Inadvertently, he found himself bracing for whatever was about to come next. Perhaps it was because he’d delivered bad news to people so many times in his life that he could read in Tessa’s tone and posture that this wasn’t good. He couldn’t, for the life of him, guess what she might be about to say. That she was leaving the hospital? That was the worst scenario he could think of at the moment. She may have rejected him, but as long as she worked at the hospital, he still got to see her on a daily basis.
“I owe you an apology for the other week, when we had dinner, and I said that—” she drew a breath, her eyes wide and full of regret “—that it was a mistake.”
He wanted to step closer to her, to bridge the distance between them, but he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t think he’d be able to keep from touching her, especially after the feel of her hand in his as they’d made their way out onto the balcony.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he said. “I understand. I appreciate that you were honest enough to not want to pursue a relationship with me while you still have feelings for Burke.”
She blinked, and then her eyes widened even farther. He could see the moon reflected in the warm brown of her eyes.
“Is that what you thought?” she breathed in disbelief. “That I was still in love with Burke?”
He frowned. “We were having a good time…until you saw Burke and Erin.”
Her eyes slid closed, and she drew a deep breath. He was baffled, hopeful and wary.
“So it wasn’t because of Burke?”
She opened her eyes. “No. I’m not in love with Burke. I hope he and I can be friends, but I don’t love him. Not like I…” She swallowed, and he tensed, his body straining toward her. “…I love you,” she finished.
A rush of happiness washed over him, and he smiled, moving toward her. When she took a step back, though, he stopped.
“Wait. There’s something you need to know.”
He did as she asked, waiting, though every nerve and cell in his body cried out for him to take her in his arms.
“About two years ago, not long before Burke and I were supposed to be married, I received a diagnosis from my doctor.”
Noah noted that Tessa’s entire body was taut, as if poised to flee. Whatever she was about to share, it was obviously something that caused her a great deal of anxiety. He frowned, still waiting.
“I was experiencing early menopause. My entire reproductive system was aging before its time.” She licked her lips, tears filling her eyes. His mind was skipping through the possibilities of this diagnosis, trying to get to the heart of her devastation.
“It means the odds of me ever conceiving a child were—are very slim.” She drew a ragged breath. “Burke and I used to talk all the time about starting a family together. We didn’t plan to wait, after we were married. I wanted to get pregnant right away, and he was ready to be a father. So when I found out I couldn’t bear children, I took the coward’s way out and stood him up at the altar.”
She paused, perhaps weighing the consequences of this decision. “I couldn’t bear it if he didn’t want to marry me, so I took that decision away from him to protect myself and my heart.” Her eyes slid closed again, as if she was too ashamed to look at Noah. “I know now that was wrong and unfair. However Burke felt about my infertility, I should have let him make his own choice. But I don’t regret it, in some ways, because Burke found happiness with Erin. That’s who he was meant to be with all along. And I… Well, I think that for a long time, I believed no one could love me with this condition. But more than that, I couldn’t love myself. I assumed how other people would look at me based on what I saw as my own failings.” She opened her eyes. “But now I realize that’s a very narrow view. Or at least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself these days. For me, children were always supposed to be a part of my future. I once refused a date with a guy in college because I knew he never wanted to have kids.” She laughed, somewhat ruefully. “I guess I must have always had a very black-and-white view of the world.”
She stopped speaking, and Noah ached to fill the silence, but his mind was still processing everything she had just told him.
She cleared her throat. “Anyway. That’s why I pulled away from you. Because even though I know you lost a child, Noah, you have to realize that I’m sure you were and would still be an amazing father. I didn’t want to take that away from you. And if you and I…” She trailed off, and he could see her working to hold her tears in check. “You’d have to appreciate that even if there was a future between us, it’s likely we would experience quite a bit of disappointment and hope and consideration where children are concerned. I haven’t fully accepted my limitations just yet,” she added, “but I’m trying. Because I don’t want this to be what defines me. At least, it shouldn’t be.”
He weighed through these words, recognizing what she was saying. There were all sorts of options for a situation like Tessa’s, but he knew she might not want each one.
As for him, he’d never really considered whether he’d want to be a father again. With Tessa, surely he’d have wanted children. But he couldn’t just say it didn’t matter until he knew, in his heart, how much it did. And given all that she’d just shared with him, he worried that he’d somehow let her down. He hadn’t seen her pain. Just like he hadn’t seen Julia’s.
“Maybe all this is a bit premature,” she went on when he didn’t say anything, “but I love you. And I believe you when you said you loved me. So if this is going to affect any chance of a future together, I think it’s better we part ways now, no hard feelings.” She lowered her head. “But I wanted you to know. Not just because of our potential future. But also because you’re my friend.” She raised her head and looked at him. “You’ve become my very best friend.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she raised a hand to stop him. “You don’t have to say anything right now. In fact, I think I’d prefer it if you didn’t. Because when you do, Noah…you have to be sure about what you want. Because if it’s me that you want, it has to be with all the heartache and possibilities.”
His heart strained to speak, but he honored her wishes and nodded. She gave a little nod in return, and her shoulders squared. He couldn’t imagine the weight she had carried all this time, and the courage it had taken to share it with him. He wanted to honor her request and not make any instant decisions.
She didn’t linger. She brushed by him without another word, the edge of her skirt brushing against his tuxedo. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to reach out for her as she passed by. But he waited, knowing that he couldn’t ask for her heart until he had the answers she needed.
Noah didn’t immediately follow Tessa back inside. He took a moment to compose himself, to come to grips with the news she’d just delivered. He was standing, staring out into the night, when he heard the doors behind him open, and someone else come onto the balcony.
He turned, hoping it was Tessa, but found her father, Allan, standing there instead. He held a glass of champagne in his hand. He raised it.
“A perk of donating the venue,” he said. “I get to attend the party.”
He took a sip, and Noah turned back without saying anything. His mind was still full of Tessa and what she’d shared. He was only barely aware of Allan stepping forward to stand beside him, not saying anything more as a minute, then two, passed by.
“My father was a cold man.”
This unexpected statement caused Noah to glance at the other man.
Allan continued, “He came from nothing, and he pulled himself to the top, one ladder rung at a time. My mother told me he wasn’t always cold, but by the time I was old enough to really have a sense of him, of his presence, he was someone to be admired and respected, not one to shower his loved ones with affection or share his emotions.”
Noah wasn’t sure where Allan was going with this, and he was momentarily irritated. He liked Tessa’s father well enough, but he wanted time alone, to work through his feelings where Tessa was concerned. But the other man seemed oblivious to these emotions as he went on.
“Growing up, I was in awe of him and all he’d accomplished, how far he’d come. He was the strongest man I knew.”
Allan paused to take a sip of his champagne.
“And then my mother died. Her illness was brief, not allowing us enough time to accept the loss before it actually occurred. I remember the graveside service, watching this man who’d never shed a single tear in his life, break down. He was on his knees, sobbing as if his heart had been torn in two, and the pain was more than he could bear.”
Noah knew that feeling. He knew it all too well.
“I watched my father…break. For a young man who had never seen him as anything but a titan, it shook the foundation of my world. He had taken everything life threw at him and stood strong in spite of it. But losing the love of his life was more than he could bear. He kept working, but his spirit was no longer in it.”
Allan looked down into his glass.
“This was before I met Vivienne,” the older man explained. “So I had a hard time imagining what it was like to care for someone so much that losing them was akin to losing the better part of yourself.”
He turned his gaze on Noah then.
“He lived on for a good many years after her, and he retained the success he’d gained…but he never reached for more after that. I think he was just going through the motions after she was gone. It rattled me in a way I can’t really express. But then I met Vivienne, and I knew I was falling in love with her. And that scared me even more. I didn’t want to lose her, but I didn’t want to end up like my father one day.”
Allan glanced away again, but Noah kept his eyes trained on the other man, captivated by his story.
“That year, on the anniversary of my mother’s death, he and I went to her graveside together, just like we had every year since her passing. We would stand in silence because while her loss had changed him, it hadn’t made him any softer. He still wasn’t a man to talk about his feelings.” Allan paused, and Noah sensed he was taking a moment to gather his emotions.
When he spoke again, his voice had a faint rasp that spoke of grief. “After we stood there for some time, I couldn’t bear it anymore. My heart was full of Vivienne, but my head was warning me to turn back before I got in too deep.” He swallowed. “So, I asked my father…‘If you could do it all over again, would you still fall in love, knowing what it costs? Was it worth it?’”
Allan swirled the liquid in his glass. “What struck me was that he didn’t hesitate. Not even for a heartbeat. He looked up at me, and his eyes were bloodshot with tears. He still missed her. He would always miss her. But he said to me, ‘I would give anything to do it all over again.’”
Noah realized he was gripping the railing in front of him, so intent was he on what Allan would say next.
“That wasn’t good enough for me, though,” Allan said. “I pushed him on the subject and said, ‘Even if this is how the story ends, every time? With you standing over her grave?’” Allan drew a deep breath. “And my dad stared back at the flowers we had laid on the grass, rested his palm on her headstone, and answered, ‘I would take this grief every single day for a lifetime if it meant I could have just one more moment with her at my side.’”
Allan fell silent then, and Noah’s grasp on the railing eventually eased. He understood this story. Perhaps better even than Allan, given the grief he had already experienced in his life. He wasn’t afraid to love Tessa anymore. He was only worried that he couldn’t be what she needed, especially after what she’d just revealed. He had failed one woman in his life with disastrous consequences. He couldn’t bear to fail Tessa, too.
“My father lived to see me marry Vivienne, and he was there for Paige’s first birthday. And then he was gone.”
Allan drained the last of his champagne and cleared his throat. “I didn’t know much about my parents’ marriage, not really. I was their child, but I was an outsider to their relationship. But I can tell you what they taught me.”
He focused on Noah once more. “No life remains untouched by sorrow. There is no relationship that doesn’t experience difficulty. But I’ve seen you fight for those kids, and I know that’s what you are, Noah. You’re a warrior when it comes to people you care about. And my little girl, well… She’s definitely worth the fight.”
The words struck a powerful chord because he felt the same way. He would have battled dragons for Tessa, real or imagined. If she needed him to fight with her, to fight for her, against infertility or anything else, he was all in. He had made mistakes in the past. But he could use those mistakes to build a better future.
With her.
“Well, I better get back to the party. I know I’m biased, but I have to say, I think my little girl did a good job with this gala.”
Noah nodded, speaking out loud for the first time since Allan had joined him. “She’s pretty amazing.”
Allan smiled, as if knowing his work was done. He raised his empty champagne glass in salute and headed for the doors, leaving Noah alone once more.
Once he was gone, Noah released a breath, feeling the last weight of doubt lift from his shoulders. He marveled at Tessa’s courage, at what it must have cost her to share her secret. It renewed his hope. They both had burdens, but in sharing them, the load would be much lighter. As long as they kept doing that, they could weather any storm. He released the balcony rail and straightened.
Tessa had wanted him to be sure, before he asked for her heart. And he was.
He’d never been more certain of anything in his life.