Chapter 9

Accessing Our Values

I have so often found myself deeply grateful for what is to me the wisdom of my spiritual heart. This quality guides me at a level that continues to amaze me. It can also do that for you.

I shared with you the wisdom around my experience of missing the school bus, and the woman’s guidance on how to reconnect with her sister. When I examine these experiences, they each appear to be directly connected to our true values. This actually makes sense to me when I think about it. The values that are the most meaningful to us are things that are deeply felt within our hearts. I value responding to others with care. I love my children, and every member of my family. I deeply desire their happiness and well-being. These are qualities I associate with my heart, rather than my head. I may think about them, but mostly they are deep feelings that I have, which seem to go to my core sense of identity. It makes sense that I connect to those values when my spiritual heart is activated.

I have heard thousands of experiences shared with me by people learning to use this powerful aspect of their beings. As I explore with them their heart’s direction, it becomes clear that the spiritual heart brings into conscious choice a response to our life situations that is consistent with our deeply held values.

One of the times I experienced this connection most clearly was during a period of major change in my life. Kathryn and I, with Peter and Anna, had just moved from our home in Spokane, Washington, to the Santa Cruz Mountains in California. We were going to work at HeartMath® . This was a very new experience for us – a major career change for both Kathryn and me, as well as a whole new world for the children. We had also just celebrated Lisa’s wedding to a wonderful young man. It had been a beautiful experience. We were so happy for her. Our hearts were full and our expectations were high .

We were getting settled in our new home when Kathryn expressed concern over a physical condition. She saw a doctor, who arranged an outpatient surgery to take care of the problem.

I took her in for the surgery, and waited in the outpatient clinic’s waiting room. After more than an hour, the doctor came out dressed in his surgical garb and motioned for me to join him in the hall. I remember that he had on one of those formless green tunics, paper booties on his feet, and a head covering over his hair. The mask that covers his nose and mouth in surgery was around his neck. There, in the hallway, which was narrow but at least out of earshot of anyone in the waiting room, he updated me on the situation with Kathryn. He told me that he stopped her surgical procedure because he had “discovered a situation that could be life threatening.” He said that she would need to be hospitalized for major surgery.

As he spoke these words, I felt an immediate sense of panic and fear. My body tensed, and my mind immediately focused on two very different aspects of what he said .

First, we were there without medical insurance. The idea of hospitalization for major surgery was financially far beyond our means. We could barely afford the outpatient procedure that Kathryn was there for. Yet obviously for her well-being – for her life – she needed this surgery to happen. The costs we would face suddenly seemed like an overwhelming obstacle.

My second strong reaction was to his words “life threatening.” I had been through my first wife Kathy’s death, which I shared with you in the opening chapter. The hurt, loss and pain from that time were triggered in me by the thought that this wonderful woman whom I loved so much might also be facing death.

Those feelings from that earlier time were like a heavy black weight that seemed to pull me down. I thought of the joy, the hope of this exquisitely wise, loving woman that Kathryn is, suddenly looking at life ending before even half her dreams could be born. I saw only the briefest glimpse of the pain that our family would feel if we lost Kathryn, who was the very center of our lives together .

I was paralyzed by these overwhelming feelings – the financial fear, and the fear of death. Both were impossible situations that I seemed to be viewing through a fog, with no idea how to respond. Our hopes and dreams seemed to have suddenly crashed into financial devastation, and ever so much worse than that – Kathryn facing death.

I realized that this was a moment when I needed the help of my spiritual heart. While standing there in the hall with my eyes wide open, listening to the doctor, I activated my spiritual heart.

I went through each of the steps, sincerely engaging and focusing on each one. Having touched my heart and focused on breathing through my heart, I brought to my memory our wonderful experience in Hawaii with the whales. I could hear and receive every word that the doctor spoke to me, and yet I was able to feel again the thrill to my heart as that baby whale leaped into the air. In the final step, I sincerely called upon my spiritual heart’s wisdom. “What is a more effective response?”

A moment later, my fears vanished. I felt centered and poised. Most importantly, I knew what I needed to do. When I activated my spiritual heart, it responded immediately by first addressing the two fears that the doctor’s statement had awakened within me.

My spiritual heart first brought to my awareness the understanding that there was nothing I could do, standing there in that hall, about the financial needs that the surgery represented. With that realization, I felt the shift of emotion away from my financial panic into a sense of acceptance that this could be addressed at a later time.

The second directive from my spiritual heart was that this situation was not about the death of my first wife. Due to the power of this illumination, I realized that this medical need had nothing to do with that earlier loss, and that I needed to let go of that concern so that I could be fully present to this situation. Even as that thought occurred, I felt the tension and anxious focus from Kathy’s death fade away. The feelings of darkness disappeared, and I was free to focus on what my heart really knew was important. What was important for me – deeply important in that moment – was to care for Kathryn .

This connection with my spiritual heart, and its response to my thoughts and my emotional world, took less than a minute. When the doctor finished speaking – I never missed a word he said – I was prepared, and I was able to express to him what was important for me at that moment.

The first responses from my spiritual heart were understandings that addressed my financial and death fears, and then moved me into a calmer, focused state. I also felt my spiritual heart’s impact on my body, releasing its tension – as well as clarity returning to my thoughts, and balance to my emotions. I was then able to receive from my heart the further understanding that Kathryn would be frightened, and would need my support. I realized that she would have been conscious, and that the doctor would have informed her of the problem and his decision. She would naturally be feeling vulnerable and afraid.

I said to the doctor that I needed to go and see my wife right away, because she would need my presence and reassurance. He immediately responded, and took me in to see her. I was able to be with her and share my strength with her. I was able to let her know – because I knew it in my heart – that we would get through this, and she would be healthy and well again.

This focused support for Kathryn with strength instead of fear was what was important, and of real value to me, in that moment. Understanding that importance – its crystal-clear realization – was the gift of my spiritual heart. That realization was an expression of values that I hold. Our spiritual hearts respond to our core values as they uplift and guide us.

My experience at that moment in the hallway with the doctor changed from worries of my mind to the values of my heart. All that my heart had assured us did happen. Kathryn is healthy and well – and we found a way to handle the expenses involved.

That change from worries to values isn’t a physical change. The physical changes in my heart did help. The physical changes altered my system so that I could connect with my spiritual heart. I felt my body release its tension. I felt my mind clear. However, the profound change that I experienced wasn’t physical. That deep, profound change in my perception, feeling and understanding was the result of the power and wisdom of my spiritual nature that I experienced through my spiritual heart. Its wisdom, its connectedness with me and with my values, was what impacted me – and through me, the situation and my wife.

Those changes were ones that expressed who I really am – not the young man overwhelmed by circumstances – rather, a wise man who is in touch with the real values of his being – and who expresses them.

This wonderful quality, the ability of our spiritual hearts to connect us with the highest aspects or values of our beings, is another of its great gifts. That is important to me. One of my personal values is to show up in life expressing my personal values. Not someone else’s values – mine. My spiritual heart makes that possible.