How do we deal with being disappointed or let down by someone we loved, trusted and respected? We must have some expectations from people, otherwise how do we learn and develop ourselves?
We have to have some expectations in order to move through the world. Pujya Swamiji always says, ‘Expectation is the Mother of frustration.’ But what he also says is, ‘Acceptance is the Mother of peace and joy.’ The reason it’s important to remember both these aphorisms is that the opposite of the frustration we get from expectation is the peace and joy we get from acceptance. The answer is not to never expect; it’s to always accept what happens even if it wasn’t what you expected.
For example, in order for us to live in this world, we have to expect that our house won’t burn down while we’re asleep. If you weren’t pretty sure that your house would still be standing when you woke up in the morning, that your loved ones would still be next to you in bed or in the room next to you, you wouldn’t be able to go to sleep. When we cross the street, we have to expect that a car is not going to accelerate when they see us and run us over. Otherwise, we’d never be able to cross the street. As we sit in a room, we have to expect that the roof is not going to fall on us, that whoever built this room built it with the commitment to excellence and the knowledge and expertise that one should have to do such a job, otherwise we’d all rush out immediately. So in order for us to live, there has to be some expectations.
Similarly, in our relationships, in order for me to give myself fully to you, I have to expect that you’re not going to hurt me. If I’m going to give you my heart and love you with all that I am and all that I have, I have to expect that you’re not going to take a knife and stab it in my heart. I have to expect that you’re going to take my love as the precious gift that it is, and not stomp on it.
These are the expectations with which we have to move through the world; otherwise, we’d be paralysed. Or, we would have to be an emotionless robot. Can you imagine what it would take to go to sleep every night with no expectation that the world would be there in the morning? That your airplane wouldn’t fall out of the sky? You’d have to be either paralysed or numb.
So we have expectations. Those are not the problem. Expecting that people are not going to hurt me is not the problem. Expecting that the airplane is not going to fall out of the sky is not the problem. The problem is what happens when that which we didn’t expect happens. You didn’t think your new love would hurt you, but he did. You didn’t think that a fire was going to burn down your house overnight, but it did. This is where our spiritual practice brings acceptance.
Acceptance is simply awareness that we have no control. The anger that so many of us feel is when an expectation is not met. For example, say, I plan a picnic for my birthday with the expectation that it’s going to be a sunny day. I certainly know it could rain, and sure enough it does. Most of us would be slightly disappointed, but we wouldn’t be absolutely furious. Why? Because we didn’t have an assumption of control. We anticipated sunny skies, but didn’t really assume that the weather would abide by our wishes. We may be disappointed at the rain, but not furious.
With other things that happen, though, the reason we are so hurt and angry is that in addition to the expectation of how it was going to be, we also assumed an element of control. We assumed that somehow wanting it, expecting it, being right meant that that’s what would happen. We assumed that being a good person should somehow mean that bad things don’t happen. You assumed that my loving you should mean you treat me well. This is what creates the problem. This is what leads to not just disappointment and sadness, but the inability to accept, and fury. Very few of us would look up at the clouds and shout, ‘How dare you!’ if it rained during our picnic. We understand that nature has its own patterns. But with people in our lives, we have built-in expectations that they will behave the way we want.
The important thing to remember is that we have no more control over the people around us than we do over the weather. Everyone is living out their own karmic packages. It doesn’t necessarily mean they weren’t trying, or that they’re not good people. It doesn’t have to mean they didn’t intend to love us and treat us well. It’s just that everyone is dealing with emotions using what they have in their toolbox. If the situation required patience and our loved one did not have it in their toolbox, there was no way for them to respond with patience. Not because they were trying to hurt or disappoint us. But simply because they couldn’t respond with the tools they had.
Acceptance doesn’t mean things are OK as they are. It just means that you know that you don’t have any control over anything except your reaction. Until and unless you can create space in your heart, mind and life for the fact that it has happened, you’re not going to be able to experience peace or joy.
What are some of the best ways to deal with disappointment and frustration?
Acceptance and gratitude. We love our loved ones, and we expect that they’re not going to fall sick or get hit by a car tomorrow, but on some level, we all have to know that we don’t actually have any control over these things. That doesn’t stop us from loving or living our lives. The awareness of our lack of control is almost an inoculation.
If we’re able to hold on to the awareness, that every day of health is just grace, that my house is still standing is just a blessing, the more gratitude we will have. Gratitude brings us constantly into the awareness that it is all only God’s grace.
If you owed me hundred rupees and you finally pay me, I’m not going to say to you, ‘Oh, thank you so much, you’re so generous!’ You owed me. I was entitled to it. It was my money. Gratitude, however, stems from the awareness that that which I’ve been given is not something that I was entitled to but that which I have received due only to the generosity of the universe, due to an abundance of grace and blessings. The more we can cultivate gratitude, the fewer expectations we will be burdened by, because inherent in gratitude is the belief: ‘It’s all in your hands.’
By bringing gratitude into our lives, we realize that by the Divine’s grace, I woke up today. By the Divine’s grace, what I eat is digested. By the Divine’s grace, my house has not yet burned down. By the Divine’s grace, an earthquake has not yet swallowed us up. But even more, by the Divine’s grace, day by day I’m realizing that my own peace, joy, meaning in life and fulfilment are actually not rooted in those things. My peace is actually not dependent on whether my house is still standing. My joy is not dependent on whether it rains or is sunny, whether my picnic will go well or not. It’s all dependent on my connection with God, which gratitude strengthens.
The more grateful you are, the less disappointed and frustrated you are, and the fewer expectations you have. It also works on a much deeper, systemic, preventive level. The more gratitude you have, the more connected you are with the Divine, which in turn means you are less dependent on what people around you are saying or doing. They have less power to make you depressed, frustrated, happy or elated, because you’re grounded in something much deeper.