How do you raise spiritual children? How do I support my spiritual child?
Children, by nature, are spiritual.
Look at what makes them happy. What’s their greatest joy? Their own mother’s arms, lying on their back and playing with their own toes, having someone stare lovingly into their eyes, connection. When we give them expensive gifts, they are usually more excited about the box than the toy that lies inside it, or the colourful wrapping paper on the package! We have to tell them, ‘No, no, that’s not the present! That’s just the box!’ We push the box away and thrust the shiny present into their hands. We teach them to be materialistic. We teach them that their toes are not supposed to be a source of greater joy than the shiny new truck.
So if you’re a parent and you have a child who still displays that spirituality, fortunately, you don’t have to do much. All you have to do is not squeeze it out of them. Children come into this world so deeply connected to the Universe. No child ever decided, ‘You’re black, I’m white; you’re poor, I’m rich; I won’t play with you. You’re Christian, I’m Hindu; we can’t play together. You’re ugly, I’m pretty; you can’t use my toys.’
We’re the ones who tell them, ‘No, don’t play with him; you can’t go to her house; they are different from us.’ We’re the ones who squeeze that spirituality out of our children. So the way to raise spiritual children is to help them stay connected to what they’ve come into this world with, which is the awareness that we’re all One. Let them stay grounded in the love they feel for all those who smile at them, love for nature, love for the ant and the caterpillar.
Several years ago, we had a beautiful launch for our eleven-volume Encyclopedia of Hinduism with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I was sitting just behind him, and I noticed that every few minutes, he kept bending down to do something, over and over again, while he sat on his couch. I couldn’t see what it was then. Later, I found out that he had been bending down to pick up little caterpillars, one by one, from the floor of the stage, handing them to his security guard standing nearby. He was worried that someone would step on them. One of the things that’s so beautiful about His Holiness is that child-like connection. Children pick up little insects and save them, and adults tell them, ‘No, no, put it down, now go wash your hands.’
So to raise spiritual children, just help them stay connected with what Pujya Swamiji calls our inner GPS. In children, their inner GPS really guides them and connects them to the earth and to one another, in a much deeper way, than the rules of socialization adults teach them. You’ll find that raising spiritual children is actually very easy, unless you have your own agenda that they should become materialistic to fit in better with society.
Moreover, as they grow, and meet more with friends and are exposed to culture, you need to give them a little bit of re-anchoring at home. The home is the first school; it is where the foundation for life is really laid. But, as children grow, as they get a little bit more indoctrinated by society, their friends, TV commercials, etc., we have to recentre them.
What anchors them is our behaviour. We cannot raise spiritual children if we ourselves are materialistic. We cannot complain that our children are not spiritual when we are the ones saying, ‘Oh my God, did you see what she was wearing?’ ‘My God, he’s become so fat!’ ‘What is she doing with that haircut, what is she thinking?’ ‘She wore that same sari last week, does she not have any other clothes?’ We have these types of conversations at home, in the car, in front of our children, all the time, we engage in this sort of superficial gossip, and then we wonder later on what’s wrong with our children. For us to raise spiritual children, we have to raise our spiritual selves first.
I have a friend who’s deeply spiritual and is a very committed yogi and meditator. One day, when her daughter was about five or six, she saw her sitting in the temple space at home. She said something to her daughter, and the girl turned around and said, ‘Shhh, Mom! Can’t you see I’m meditating?’ She only knew that because she had seen her own mother do the same while meditating.
Children pick up quickly from how we are and what we do, so the best way to raise a child to be spiritual is to be spiritual ourselves, just the same way that the best way to teach a child to be honest and have integrity is by being honest and having integrity ourselves. To raise them, we raise ourselves.
How to show the young the way to spirituality, especially if they don’t seem inclined?
When I was in school, if our teacher asked a question, simply giving the right answer wasn’t enough. The teacher would persist, ‘And why do you say so? How do you know?’ We not only had to give the right answer, we also had to defend our entire thought process.
I share this because that form of education is now more and more popular. Good education is less about simply memorizing facts and figures and more about learning to think creatively. What children learn in school, they bring home. If we tell them to do something, for example, to say their prayers or be a vegetarian, they will ask, ‘Why?’ Because most of us didn’t ask our parents why, we don’t always have the answers. Or, the ones we have don’t pass muster with the new generation. ‘Because this is our culture.’ ‘Because I said so.’ ‘Because it’s the right thing to do.’ These are no longer answers that they will accept.
The tragedy is that we do have answers to these questions. There really are very specific, clear reasons behind all these cultural and spiritual activities. It’s not that sitting in puja and performing yagna are somehow outdated. But because we never asked our parents about it, because that wasn’t the culture a generation or two ago, we may not know the actual rationale underlying these practices.
This is actually why Pujya Swamiji originally conceived bringing out the Encyclopedia of Hinduism —to put all those answers in one place, so that when our children ask a question, instead of giving them an explanation that isn’t the most satisfying to them, we can turn to the Encyclopedia .
Frequently, children will make excuses and say they don’t have time to pray or meditate or read spiritual texts. It’s the same excuse adults use! There’s plenty of time to be on Facebook, to watch TV, to be on Snapchat, to post selfies, so it’s not a matter of not having time; it’s a matter of making choices.
When I’m in America, if my friend says, ‘Let’s go to the movies’, I’m going to say, ‘I don’t have time.’ It’s true. In my mind-world, I don’t have three hours to go catch a movie. But if I say to her, ‘Come, let’s sit, let’s meditate, let’s go to satsang, let’s sing kirtan, let’s work out a proposal for a project for how we can build toilets along the banks of the Ganga’, she’ll say, ‘Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t have time.’ She’s got three hours to go to the movies, I’ve got three hours to go to satsang or kirtan or do social work. So it’s not that we don’t have time. Everybody has the same twenty-four hours in a day. It’s only a matter of how we choose to spend those hours.
The issue with our children is not just a matter of finding the quickest way to throw some spirituality into their lunch box as they rush out of the door, but how we can make it something that they’re prepared to spend time on. That’s the challenge for us. We know it’s valuable, but how can we put that in words that mean something in the world they live in?
While working with the younger generation, I have found that they may say they don’t believe in rituals, and that’s fine. Don’t worry, and don’t force them. It’s actually our doing; we haven’t been able to properly explain why we do them. But don’t blame yourselves either. Just say, ‘OK, God is not attached to your rituals, but that same Divine whom we worship in the ritual exists in everyone.’ This is something that our younger generation can and does grasp. They are the ones who often come home feeling enraged about discrimination! They want to work in the world, hurt by the lack of equality, the disparity they see, they are the ones wondering why they have to marry someone of their own caste. ‘We’re all the same, we’re all one, we’re all Divine, right?’ This is what the younger generation echoes. Therefore, to imbibe spirituality in them, simply say, ‘Look, no problem, you don’t have to worship God through puja. Worship God through everyone you meet. Wherever you go, whomever you meet, whether it’s the guy refuelling your car, a co-worker, a friend, a subordinate, an employer, worship them all, treat them all as God.’ What you’ll find, as I have, is they’re not only prepared to do that, but they’re excited about it too. That’s a language that they can speak.
We need to let our children know that according to spirituality, Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam —the world is one family. This is why we must live in such a way that all our brothers and sisters around the world don’t suffer and die. We can explain that this is why we don’t eat meat, because the meat industry is a great contributor to climate change, world hunger and water shortages.
If we eat grain—rice, wheat, soy or corn—there’s enough to feed everyone on earth. When we take that and feed it to animals whom we later kill for their meat, there’s not enough to go around. Our children may not want to be vegetarian because they don’t think the cow is holy. They may not want to be vegetarians because they don’t believe in the religious aspect of things, they don’t worship Kamadhenu. No problem. Let them be vegetarians because their sisters and brothers who are equally divine deserve food to eat. They may never do what we call puja, but they will choose careers that are puja. They will live their lives as puja. And ultimately, that’s what it’s about.
How do we help kids ‘be’ rather than ‘do’, when there are chores and responsibilities?
We’ve slipped into a very unhealthy pendulum swing, shifting from ‘doing’ to just ‘being’. We’ve shifted from having action as the goal to having idleness as the goal. But this is not actually the point.
First, our manner of doing things has changed. Instead of cooking dinner, going to work, making money, cleaning the house, etc., being our daily tasks, our spiritual growth, too, has become something we have to ‘do’. We must do our yoga asanas, meditation, chanting, etc. It seems to be ‘work’. We have to-do lists for everything; it’s just that some things seem more spiritual than others. In fact, these lists are much longer now! It’s wonderful that we remember to do these things, and there is nothing wrong with having a to-do list, but we have to realize that we’re still pushing the ‘doing’ side of the pendulum.
Then when we decide that ‘doing is bad’, we swing all the way to the other end and decide that we absolutely must stop ‘doing’ and rather just ‘be’. However, doing does not mean doing with our hands or legs alone. We’re always doing something.
The answer to the doing versus being dilemma is not to ‘do less’. Instead, the solution is to be while doing . In the Bhagavad Gita , there’s a very deep and beautiful teaching on how we can stop accruing karma, the fruits of our actions. Lord Krishna emphasizes that we can’t not do. We can sit down, close our eyes, sit on our hands, plug our ears. But we would still be doing. The mind would be doing, too. Moreover, we’ve been sent here with responsibilities, duties and dharma. Human birth is not just a joy ride where we’re only supposed to enjoy ourselves as much as we can. We have duties; we have to fulfil our dharma. By actively ‘not doing’, we are still doing: we are neglecting our duties, we are abdicating our responsibilities. That definitely still counts as ‘doing’ something.
The key is to be while doing , and that’s what we need to teach our kids. They need to learn to stay present, grounded and connected to themselves while they’re doing, and not identify as the doer. The easiest way to teach children this as parents is when they come home from school with a report card or their exam results. Do we respond to them as the taker of the exam or as the Soul? If they come home with a low grade, are we angry and disappointed, and do they see from the expression on our face that our love has been withdrawn? If so, what they learn is: ‘I am the taker of the exam. When I do well, I get love; when I don’t do well, I don’t. My worthiness as a being, my worthiness to be in Mom’s lap, to receive her hugs and kisses and smiles, to be Dad’s big boy, is entirely contingent on what this piece of paper says.’ This is the fastest way to make sure our children identify as the doer.
We do this in sports as well. If our child happens to be a great athlete and wins the game, we say, ‘You’re the best!’ and we reward that. It’s great to support them, of course, but we must remember that what we should really support is who they are, not how good a test-taker or soccer player they are. Otherwise, they will grow up feeling that the love and adoration they receive is due not to them as people but to the success of their actions.
Instead of always celebrating what they have done, why not spontaneously take them out for ice cream to celebrate who they are? Let there be a balance between rewarding what they do and rewarding who they are. Remember to apply the same principle with ourselves too. If our self-talk is always going to be: ‘Oh my God, I’m so irresponsible, I’m this, I’m that’, that’s what they learn. Kids learn whatever we do and they absorb it. It doesn’t matter how much we try to use words to teach them otherwise. So we need to start living not as the doer, not as a failure or success depending on whether we tick everything off our to-do list or not. We need to allow ourselves to simply celebrate who we are, not only on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and birthdays. Let us change the patterns we follow in our families, by initiating celebrate-each-other days, just to reward each person for who they are. Then our children will learn the beautiful value of who they truly are, which isn’t contingent upon their actions.
How do we let go of control over our children as they grow older, say, when they are going off to college?
This is one of the greatest challenges of parenthood, something almost everyone struggles with—letting go of children as they move on to other phases in life. Similarly, children find it equally difficult to let go of parents when the latter pass on. Letting go is always difficult and a challenge. The only way to do it, especially when the child is leaving, is to recognize that you’re always with them. You may not be physically present, but all that you’ve given them is there inside them.
You must also recognize that your child is being guided and led. There’s a beautiful poem by Kahlil Gibran titled ‘On Children’, which speaks so beautifully about how children have come through us, not of us. We tend to think of them as extensions of ourselves. The poem reminds us that this is not the case and time always moves forward. The youth, the children, are the ones pulling time forward. He ends the poem by telling us not to worry, because God loves the bow from which the arrow comes as much as God loves the arrow that’s flying through the sky. It’s a beautiful metaphor. We’ve been given this sacred opportunity to have them come through us, but they’re not of us. They were never ours, but we were given this beautiful opportunity to have them, mould them and be with them. Now, like the arrow that comes from the bow, our child is going off into the world. Furthermore, remember that where that arrow goes is in large part based on the bow. We are the bow they’ve been strung upon, and the direction that they’re going to go in now is the direction that we’ve given them. Have faith and find peace in knowing that we’ve given them direction.
It is also important to remember that everyone comes into this world with their own karmic package. If you’ve got an apple seed, you may plant it in the most fertile ground, water it in the best way and make sure it gets enough sunlight, but if you were hoping for peaches, you’re always going to be disappointed. The best you’re going to get is an apple tree.
So bear in mind both these aspects: 1) The awareness that you are the bow that has strung the arrow (your children), that has sent your children on their way. You know the direction, you know where it’s going, because it’s based on you. Yet, 2) your children are also seeds that have come into this world with their own karmic package, their own dharma. You must let go of control, of the constant need to know exactly where they are. Let go with faith and knowledge of what that seed contains.
I’ll tell you a personal story. When I first decided to move to India, I was twenty-five. I had graduated from Stanford and was in the midst of a PhD programme when I came travelling to India, had this incredible experience and stayed on for a few months. But then Swamiji made me go back for a while. I knew I needed to be in India. Everybody told me, ‘You’re making the worst mistake, you shouldn’t go’, but I knew what was right.
Finally, I asked my dad how he felt. He is a very calm person, and he hadn’t said much. I wanted to know how he really felt about my decision, as I have always trusted him deeply. He said, ‘In twenty-five years, you’ve never made a decision that I think was wrong. I don’t understand this decision, but just because I don’t understand it, who am I to assume that suddenly you have started making wrong decisions?’
This was amazing for the father of a twenty-five-year-old who had just announced that she was leaving her PhD and moving to an ashram in India. I share this story because, for me, that’s really the most incredible, perfect ideal of parenting. ‘I know you, and I trust you.’ It’s not about micromanaging every decision. It’s not about asking every day: ‘Who are you going out with, where are you going, what time are you going to be home, is your homework done?’ It’s about: ‘I know you, you’re my son, you’re my daughter, I trust you, which means that the decisions you make are going to be right for you.’
Lastly, this is really the time to shift from being a father or mother to being a friend. Your child should feel free and able to tell you anything, especially because they are far away. You should have a relationship with them in which they’re not worried, ‘Oh my God, Mom/Dad is going to be so angry!’ If they fear sharing a concern or a question with you because they know you’re not going to like it, they’ll keep quiet. That’s what you don’t want. You want your child to know that you’re always going to love and support them so that they can feel free to talk to you and tell you anything. So before they go, sit them down and tell them you’ve done your best to support them through their childhood, and now you want to be close to them as friends, and the doors are always open for sharing.
The truth is, it’s not even that much of a separation because, these days, with the advanced communication facilities available to us, we’re in touch constantly. So just keep coming back to your faith, that faith of knowing what you’ve given them, and then open the channels of interaction in such a way that the relationship, now in a different form, keeps blossoming.