You’ve said that our expectations are the cause of our worries and problems. But what about our relationship with our siblings or our parents? Aren’t we allowed to expect something from them?
Firstly, expectations in themselves are not bad or wrong. We expect justice in life—that the roof of our house will not fall on us when we’re asleep, that the sun will rise in the morning, that when we treat someone with love, they, in return, will treat us with love. There’s nothing wrong with that. We have to have some level of expectation. It is the only way to move through the world.
Similarly, with our family members, we have an expectation that they will love us, love one other and treat us and each other with respect and care. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem only arises when our expectation is not fulfilled—how do we respond? All that’s in our hands is our own reaction. Whether it’s our parents, our siblings, God, our elected officials or those dispensing justice in our courts, we expect that they will do the right thing. In our home, we expect that there will be love, respect, honesty, care and protection. But we do so with the awareness that our family is made up of other human beings, who have their own karmic package, their own strengths, weaknesses, fears, unfulfilled expectations and frustrations. They have their own sanskaras . Sometimes, those lead them to act in ways that are not what we expect or hope for.
All we have control over is our own reactions. We have no control over their actions. When family members and loved ones hurt and betray us, it is due to their lack of mindfulness and consciousness, their lack of presence and connection in that moment.
Sometimes we expect people to read our minds: ‘You should’ve known I wanted that, how did you not know?’ Especially from our loved ones, we frequently expect this. They may ask what’s wrong, and we say, ‘Nothing.’ And when they move on, we get offended and say: ‘You should have asked again! You should have kept pushing!’ This is ridiculous because they did ask and we said ‘nothing’. Our hurt is not always based on them; sometimes, it’s based on the lack of a proper communication channel, either verbal or non-verbal. Inadvertently we get hurt, the person in front of us has no idea about it, we say nothing is wrong, they move on and then we’re more hurt.
Since we can only control ourselves, the question is: ‘How can I be in peace and love, when my family members are hurting me? How can I know that they love me, that they didn’t do this on purpose, that they didn’t mean to?’
Everyone goes through the world with a toolbox, and our toolboxes are filled with tools for dealing with the world based on what we’ve learnt and experienced. Not all of us have compassion, forgiveness and patience in our toolboxes. If we’ve never learnt these virtues or they’ve never been inculcated in us in our youth, we never develop these tools in life. We expect that everyone should have these virtues, but sometimes they just don’t have any patience or compassion or whatever it is we’re looking for. How can they give it to us if they don’t have it?
Hence, our biggest expectation should be of ourselves: I will stay connected, I will stay grounded. As Pujya Swamiji says, others may go up and down but I don’t have to go up and down with them. I’m not a puppet. Just because someone is my family member, I don’t have to let them pull my strings and make me dance. I’ll stay connected and grounded, I’ll pull my own strings. This way, I become a nexus of love, an energy centre of love and peace in the family, and it changes not only me but the whole family.
How can we resolve conflict between our parents?
We are not here to change other people’s karmic package, or to judge it as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. For children whose parents are fighting, it’s most important to remember that their parents came into this world and into this marriage with very specific karma they had to work out, lessons they needed to learn, and experiences they needed to have. Now, the kids find themselves stuck in the middle.
It’s most important for children to love them both, without letting one or the other parent use him or her against the other parent. This is where, as in every circumstance in life, our own internal grounding is so important.
Pujya Swamiji says: If you are in peace, you will spread peace, but if you are in pieces, you will only spread pieces. If you can experience love, you will manifest love. So if you can experience love and peace with your mom, you’ll bring her that. If you can experience love and peace with your dad, you’ll bring him that. But never think that you will be able to solve their conflict or that you are the cause of it. You’re neither the cause nor the solution. What you are is just someone who ended up in this situation due to your own karmic package, and your lesson lies in knowing and accepting that they both love you so much, and you love them both so much, even though they don’t always get along. It’s neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong. It’s just what is. But none of it is your fault, and none of it is yours to solve.
Lastly, make sure that you do not internalize the conflict between your parents and recreate it in your life. Do not bring their conflict into your own marriage as a pattern you’ve learnt. See them, learn from them and move through them peacefully. But don’t recreate them and their situations.