46

‘Shit, Ais.’ John’s using the tone he normally reserves for when Rangers are ten points down with only two minutes left on the clock and he’s watching the match through his fingers. I know it well, although I haven’t heard it in a while.

‘What? What is it, John?’ I follow him back out into the hallway, trying to keep my voice level, but the panic inside me is rising. John looks so worried and Paul’s been so down. And now he’s been missing all day and I didn’t even notice. All I can think about is what he said yesterday about belonging nowhere.

‘Why are you so panicked, John? Mammy said he’d make his own way to the wedding. Maybe he just changed his mind?’ Even as I’m talking John is shaking his head.

‘I rang him the other night to say hello. He’d just found out Hannah was going out with some new lad. He was in bits. Crying. The works. I’m really worried, Ais. I asked your mother casually as I could where he was today and she said he got an offer of work doing some bricklaying with Titch’s father but I checked with Titch and that’s not true.’

I catch Tessie Daly waving frantically out of the corner of my eye. She’s on her way in to the ballroom and is pointing at her handbag and mouthing ‘card here’.

‘I’ll come over in a minute,’ I mouth back, pasting on a smile.

‘Why didn’t you tell me, John,’ I hiss, swinging back to him, although I know in my heart that I should have put all this together myself. I desperately try to remember if I saw Paul at any stage during the day.

‘You have enough going on yourself,’ John says. ‘I didn’t want to worry you. I asked him if he wanted to go for a pint, but he said he was trying to stay away from the beer because it was making him maudlin.’

‘You didn’t call over to him or anything, no?’ I feel rotten saying this to John, nearly accusing him of neglecting Paul when really it’s myself I should be blaming. Didn’t he try to talk to me loads of times? At least John listened.

‘I was going to but your mother told me not to be calling around so much. She said William Foley was worried there’d be no work left for him on the farm if I was doing all the jobs for free.’

Oh no. This is all my fault. I was so caught up in my bloody James and John drama that I didn’t even notice that John is really Paul’s only friend here. And I cut them off. And had Mammy lying for me. I walk back towards the open double doors of the ballroom, which is buzzing with chat and the sound of cutlery hitting plates. They’ve started serving the mains. Majella will be wondering where me and John are. I stand at the door and scan the room. ‘Is his phone ringing?’

John shakes his head silently. I scan again, desperately trying to figure out what to do. Mammy is over there talking to Father Fenlon but I don’t want to worry her unless I absolutely have to. Then I clock Lisa Gleeson waving her arms at me frantically and pointing at her watch. Balls. The speeches. I turn back to John, hiding behind him so I don’t have to make eye contact with her. ‘I have to find him.’

‘Now?’

I’m afraid to even think it, let alone say it out loud. I feel like my throat is closing. ‘What if he’s done something stupid, John? I don’t know. I have a bad feeling. The way he was talking yesterday …’

He sticks a hand in his trousers pocket and pulls out his keys. ‘I’ve Daddy’s car,’ he says.

‘Have you not had a drink?’

‘I was afraid to before the speech.’

We lock eyes. ‘Are you sure?’

He nods. ‘We’ll be back before they even miss us. And if we’re not, they can just … wait.’

The swinging kitchen doors are just feet away from us, so I put my eyes down, grab John’s arm and we speed walk towards them. We make it, dodge through the kitchen and leg it out the back entrance just as Lisa Gleeson comes sprinting after us. ‘Where are ye going?’

‘We’re just going to get something. We won’t be long. Stall for us, will you, Lees?’

‘Which way?’ John asks when we pull up to the front gates of the Ard Rí. ‘Left or right, Ais? Come on!’

‘I don’t know, I don’t know,’ I say, raking my hands through my hair. It doesn’t give an inch. Sharon really is at the top of her game. Where could he be? Should we go straight to the garda station in Knock? To the County General? Think Aisling, think!

A BMW pulls up behind us and flashes its lights.

‘For feck’s sake. Left,’ I mutter, and we go screeching off.

‘Where are we going?’ John asks, putting his foot down as fields and ditches fly by.

‘I don’t know. Let me think for a minute.’

Most of the lads Paul was pally with ended up going to Australia around the same time, so it’s not like there’s a friend in the village he could be with. And all the Rangers lads are back in the Ard Rí. John really is his only pal here. How could I be so oblivious?

We’re booting down the Ballygobbard Road now and the crossroads is about two miles straight ahead. On the left is the new sign Mammy and Constance had done for the eco farm. It’s massive – so big that three complaints were lodged anonymously at the county council suggesting it should have required planning permission. ‘ShayMar Eco Farm and Yurt Resort, next left, 10km. Come pet a lamb!’ it says in three-foot letters.

I turn to John just as we get to the cross. ‘Right! Go right here! I think I know where he might be!’

The car hasn’t even come to a full stop when I bail out the passenger door and run, holding up my dress in case it slows me down. I turn around and John is running too. Please be here. Please be here. Please be here. And that’s when I stumble on a rock.

‘Shite,’ I groan. ‘These bloody heels!’

‘Are you okay?’ John pants as he reaches me but I wave him on.

‘Keep going, keep going,’ I shout. ‘We’ve wasted enough time as it is.’

John runs off and I tentatively put weight on my left ankle. I think I’ve done one of those twists that makes you feel for about four minutes like you’ve broken it, but then it goes back to normal and you’re mortified that you made such a scene. I just need to walk it off. I limp on until I get to the gate, which is still open from when John barrelled through it just a minute ago. I take a breath and keep going, teeth gritted, holding the wall for support.

When I see him the relief floods through me so much so that my body starts to convulse and I think I might puke. Instead I cry. Big fat tears. I cry because I’m happy and I cry because I’m sad. And I cry because I don’t know what else to do. I’m wrung out. There’s Paul sitting cross-legged at the bottom of Daddy’s grave, with John on his hunkers beside him, a hand on his back. I’ve never been so happy to see the back of his head in my life.

‘You inconsiderate little shite,’ I roar across the graveyard.

Paul turns around and clocks me then puts his head back down. John is talking in his ear but they’re so far away I can’t make out what they’re saying.

When I eventually get to the grave, I plonk myself down on the other side of Paul, and the three of us sit in a row, side by side, staring at the headstone. It needs a good wipe down. Bloody birds.

‘You can’t just do that, Paul,’ I say softly. ‘Not when you’ve been so out of sorts. It was scary.’ My voice starts to wobble but I keep going. ‘You had me … had me … thinking the worst after what you said yesterday.’

‘Ah, Ais. I was only talking about going back to Melbourne. I’m going out of my mind here. And you’re so busy and important and making something of yourself. I just feel a bit spare.’

Jesus, if only he knew how spare I feel sometimes. And busy and important is one thing, but so is family and talking and, I don’t know, just taking it easy.

‘John told me about Hannah,’ I tell him gently. ‘I know you’re upset and I understand, really I do. And I’m here if you want to talk about it. Any time.’

‘You don’t understand at all really, though, Aisling.’ His tone is sharper now. ‘Daddy had just died. I was ten thousand miles from home and not taking it well, if I’m being honest. She knew that. She knew I needed her and she just dumped me like I was nothing. And now she’s going out with someone else? Fuck that.’

‘People break up,’ I say gently. ‘Life goes on. People move on.’ The words hang in the air and it’s so quiet I can hear the Daniel Wellington ticking on my wrist.

‘Listen to me, lad,’ John says. ‘You can’t keep blaming Hannah. It wasn’t her job to fix you, or to mind you, or to stay with you because she felt sorry for you. Sure, neither of you could be happy carrying on like that. And anyway, you deserve better for yourself. You nearly made the senior team – there’s plenty of girls around here that haven’t forgotten that.’

Since when did John get so wise? He’s right too, of course. I can understand how trapped Hannah felt, knowing Paul’s happiness all hinged on her, especially since he was away from home, afraid of what might happen if she changed her mind. It’s a lot of pressure on one person. Maybe I’ll send her a message on Facebook. She really did seem very nice.

‘And another thing,’ John continues earnestly, ‘it’s okay to admit you want to talk or that you need help. I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours with Pablo and his two brothers and, Jesus, but they’re not afraid to cry, and you know what? They’re all the better for it too, mentally speaking.’

‘Would you think about maybe going to see Dr Maher?’ I suggest, adjusting my legs, which are both fast asleep. I have no idea how I’ll ever get up. ‘Just for a chat. I don’t know. It might make you feel a bit better.’

Paul nods. ‘Yeah, maybe I will.’

‘Good lad.’

‘And you won’t go missing again?’

‘I wasn’t missing, Aisling. I was here. Filling him in on my news, that’s all. I had a lot to say. It’s been a while.’

And then he starts to cry. I put my arm around him, accidentally meeting John’s, and we both recoil like we’ve been given an electric shock.

After a minute Paul’s shoulders stop shuddering and he sighs deeply. ‘Hey,’ he sniffs, ‘does the Ard Rí still do that Tayto-sandwich buffet?’

‘There’d be a riot if they stopped,’ John says. ‘I’d lead the charge myself.’

‘I’d be right behind you,’ I add.

‘We should probably head so,’ Paul says quietly.

‘You could say that,’ John says with a grimace. ‘’Mon Aisling,’ he says, helping me up.

The three of us are heading for where John abandoned the car when he puts an arm out to slow me down, letting Paul go ahead.

Christ, what now?

‘Ais, before we head on.’ His voice is low. ‘I just wanted to say that I’m glad we never fell out, you know? After the break-up. And I think what you’ve done with your café and everything … it’s deadly. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but you’re some woman. And all that stuff I was saying to Paul, about minding yourself. I hope you were listening?’

I was listening. I was hanging on his every word. Because I suddenly realise that John could be reading the phone book and I’d still be mesmerised.

‘Lads,’ Paul shouts before I can get a chance to respond. ‘Will you get a move on?’

‘Majella is going to have a conniption,’ I whisper when we’re all in the car. ‘She’s never going to forgive me for this.’

‘I’m in the same boat with Pablo.’

‘How can we make it up to them?’

‘I don’t think we can. This is their wedding. Weddings are a big deal, or so I’m told.’ He glances over at me, smiling, and is just pulling out onto the road when I remember what Lisa Gleeson said about the Love Hurts singer.

‘Turn right.’

‘But the Ard Rí is left?’

‘I have an idea.’