I’m seated in the front row like I’m a VIP, and I settle in as music swells from the amphitheater speakers and images of Dr. Kimber’s storied life grace the giant screen in front of me. There are entertaining clips of her as a thirty-something adventurer, rolling around in the grass with a baby mountain gorilla as the baby’s troop looks on. There’s a snippet of her 2001 testimony to Congress, where she advocated for increased spending on conservation, followed by a minute-long reel of a braided Diane Lane sobbing in the immediate aftermath of Taji’s death. Pictures of Dr. Kimber with President Obama, Greta Thunberg, and Betty White grace the screen, and the applause of the audience turns deafening when the music fades and Kai, looking dapper as hell in his navy suit, strides onto the stage and approaches the microphone.
“Hi, I’m Kai Bridges, host of On the Wild Side,” he greets the audience, looking every bit the confident, unflappable expert he is on-screen. “And today, I have the privilege of presenting my hero with the American Zoological Association’s lifetime achievement award for her work protecting mountain gorillas and many species of animal all over the world. I’m talking, of course, about my mother, the one and only Dr. Charlotte Kimber.”
The audience cheers, because the thousands of keepers and veterinarians and journalists sitting behind me have no idea what I witnessed backstage. And Kai gives no indication that his relationship with his mother is less than ideal; he rhapsodizes about her dedication to gorillas and the joys—and occasional heartbreak—of spending a chunk of his childhood on Mount Karisimbi. And when Dr. Kimber joins him onstage, she wraps him in a hug so warm and maternal that I half wonder if I didn’t imagine the events that unfolded minutes earlier.
“Thank you, Kai,” she says, beaming as he steps away from the microphone and she looks out over her adoring fans. “To be chosen for an award like the one I’m receiving tonight is such a special honor. But it’s made even more special by the fact that my son, a trailblazer in his own right, is here to share the moment with me.”
I shift so suddenly in my seat that my purse almost slides off my lap. Ten minutes ago she accused him of parading around like a dancing monkey, and now he’s a trailblazer?
“And while I’m so proud to receive the AZA’s lifetime achievement award, no prize could ever rival the honor of being Kai’s mother. So thank you, Kai, for being here with me tonight, and for the hard work you do to bring the magic of wildlife to so many people.”
The audience cheers again, and Kai flashes a wide smile and gives a little bow before descending from the stage.
“Um, not to be rude,” I whisper as he slides into the seat next to mine, “but what the hell’s going on?”
He brushes my hand with his but doesn’t respond, and we both sit back and watch as Dr. Kimber gives a speech about the majesty of mountain gorillas, the significance of family, and the importance of standing up for what you believe in—even if you must take on a corrupt government and rogue poachers to do it. Her message earns a standing ovation, and while I’m interested in what Priya Kumar-Tyler has to say about preventing wildlife trafficking, all I want is to get Kai someplace private so he can explain what’s going on.
But after her presentation, there’s a reception with fizzy drinks and cake, and Kai, Dr. Kimber, and Priya Kumar-Tyler smile for what seems like an endless round of pictures. Finally, after Kai and his mother make the rounds and sign more than a few autographs, the crowd starts to thin.
“Hey,” Kai says, appearing beside me as I scarf down another crab cake before the catering staff clears what’s left of the hors d’oeuvres. “You ready to get out of here?”
I’ve been ready to get out of here since Dr. Kimber referenced his “little program,” and I swallow the rest of the crab cake and nod. “Abso-freaking-lutely.”
But before we make it out of the conference room, Dr. Kimber weaves a path toward us.
“What a pleasure it was to meet you, Lucy,” she says, her voice smooth as silk. “Will you be joining Kai and me for breakfast tomorrow?”
I glance at Kai skeptically. He’s already subjected himself to a dose of her mistreatment backstage, and now he’s signing up for breakfast, too?
“We’re making plans for an NBC special in September,” Dr. Kimber adds, noticing my confusion. “It’s the twentieth anniversary of the release of Majesty on the Mountain. It’s a big deal for our family.”
I remember the rueful smile Kai wore at Café Istanbul when he told me about the special and admitted that he wanted no part in it.
“Oh,” I say, caught off guard. “I wasn’t aware Kai had agreed to appear in that just yet.”
Dr. Kimber’s eyes flash in a way that suggests maybe it hasn’t been such a pleasure to meet me after all, but then it passes, replaced by an imperturbable smile.
“Of course he’ll appear,” she says, fingering her pearl earring. “After all, he owes it to Taji. And he knows that. Right, Kai?”
Kai doesn’t answer. Instead, he looks straight ahead, wearing the same sunken, defeated look he wore when Courtney the bartender peppered him with questions about Taji and Oprah Winfrey.
“I’ll see you two tomorrow,” Dr. Kimber says, nodding at us. “Breakfast Republic at ten. Don’t be late.”
And then, with the quiet, graceful motions of one used to hiking through every manner of terrain, she’s gone.
“Okay,” I say once Kai and I reach his room, where I kick off my heels and wiggle out of my jacket. “What the fuck was that?”
Kai loosens his collar. “As I told you, my mother isn’t my biggest fan.”
“No, my mother isn’t my biggest fan. Yours does a killer impression of Mother Gothel from Tangled.”
“I’ve never seen Tangled.”
“Well, she’s a charismatic villain who gaslights Rapunzel in a sweet tone of voice.”
Kai raises an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t refer to my mother’s tone as particularly sweet.”
“Well, what’s her deal? The way she insulted you and your show—”
“Is a lot like the way you insulted me at Picnic for Paws, right?” he asks, removing his cufflinks. “So maybe she’s actually onto something.”
I freeze. “I didn’t know you when I insulted you at Picnic for Paws. You know that. And you know I changed my mind about you completely. So that’s not fair.”
He nods and sits on the edge of the bed, then takes my hand and tugs me down gently to sit beside him.
“You’re right,” Kai says. “It wasn’t fair, and I’m sorry. It’s just that being around my mum brings up a lot of insecurities.”
When he wraps an arm around my waist, I don’t pull away. “Well, I can see why. She’s a real peach. I mean, the way she just assumed you’d do the anniversary special, and how she tried to use Taji to guilt you into doing it—that’s beyond the pale, Kai. You see that, right?”
He shrugs. “I guess I’m used to it. I mean, she has a point.”
“But she doesn’t,” I insist. “Taji’s death was not your fault. She’s the one who brought an eight-year-old child into dangerous terrain. She’s the one who put you in harm’s way. And it was her choice to turn back and help you when you got caught in the snare all those years ago. Are you supposed to spend the rest of your life fighting for her approval just because she made the same choice every mother would?”
“But she didn’t, Lucy,” Kai says, standing up from the bed so abruptly that I almost fall sideways when his weight disappears. “She didn’t, okay? So please stop trying to give advice on a situation you know nothing about.”
I watch, taken aback, as he strides toward the window, his expression a storm of hurt and anger.
“What are you talking about?”
“She didn’t turn back,” Kai says, his voice breaking. “When I got caught in the snare, she didn’t turn back. She saw that I was trapped, and she heard me screaming for her, but she kept going. Because she wanted to protect Taji. Because he mattered to her more than I did.”
I stare at him, incredulous. “What? But in her book, she wrote how she had to choose between helping you and helping Taji, and she—”
“The book is a lie, Lucy,” Kai says, his tone flat. “She never turned back for me. She tried to stop the poachers from getting to Taji. She couldn’t, but she chose him. And the locals never called her Nyiramacibiri. The locals hated her because they used the land for hunting and farming, and she wanted to cut off their access to protect the gorillas. That’s why I said you were wrong at the Critter Chat. Because you were, even if you had no way of knowing.”
The news hits me like a hammer to the chest. “Why would she lie?”
“Because nobody roots for a woman who deserts her own kid,” Kai explains, his eyes shining wet. “Telling the world she sacrificed her chance to save Taji for me made her a hero. Donations started pouring in like crazy, and Hollywood came knocking, and next thing I knew, Diane Lane was winning an Oscar for her moving portrayal of my mum.”
I shake my head. “So why keep the secret all these years? Why not tell the truth? It’s not fair that anyone ever blamed you for Taji’s death, but it’s especially unfair when you know what really happened.”
“His death is still my fault, Lucy,” Kai says, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I did slow her down. I was only eight, and I was small, and she had to worry about me, too, in addition to Taji’s troop. She didn’t even want me there on the mountain, but I begged. Because I wanted to spend time with her, because she was my mum.”
I know the feeling so intimately that my heart twists, and I reach forward to grab Kai’s hand. “None of that is your fault.”
“If I hadn’t been at camp,” he says, running a hand through his hair, “she would have left earlier that morning to go tracking. She would have moved through the brush faster. She might have gotten to the troop soon enough to ward off the poachers, and Taji might have lived.”
His tone is empty, hollow, like he’s reciting something he’s been told a thousand times since childhood. Probably because he is.
“Hey,” I say, standing up and taking Kai’s face in my hands. “Just because that’s what she told you doesn’t make it true.”
He’s weeping openly, tears streaming down his face, and I can’t stop myself from pressing a kiss to his moist cheek. “You aren’t responsible for what happened to Taji,” I tell him, my voice getting choked up, too. I remember the strain in Kai’s voice during his phone call at Huli Huli and the sour look that crossed his face every time his phone rang. I can only imagine the cruel words Dr. Kimber used to manipulate him into playing along with her ruse. “You don’t owe anyone an NBC special, and you don’t owe it to your mom to keep perpetuating her lies.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.”
I lower my hands to Kai’s chest and press my lips to his briefly. “I heard you tell her that you want things to be different. And they can be. You don’t have to do the special. And if you want to take a season off Wild Side and let Freya handle things while you work on your dream documentary, you can do it. Hell, if I can coexist with a camera all summer and not lose my mind entirely, you can do anything you want.” I wipe a tear from his cheek and smile at him. “I believe in you, and I’ll stand by you.”
The anguish on his face evaporates, replaced by something like wonder. “But aren’t we— I mean, I thought you only wanted . . . I thought you wanted things between us to stay casual.”
I had, and I had meant it with every fiber of my being. But somewhere along the line, maybe when Kai spent the night with me by Zuri’s side or wrapped his arms around me in the health center or trusted me with the backbreaking secret he’s kept all these years, that changed. Somewhere along the line I realized that having Kai by my side didn’t distract me from my job; it made me better at it.
“If I’m being honest,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck, “nothing’s ever been casual between us. Not since the first time we met. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
He peers at me like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “So you’re saying you want . . . more? Commitment?”
“I’m saying I want you. And I’m going to keep wanting you past the end of the summer. And I’m going to want you whether you’re shouting ‘Wowza!’ in your Dundee hat or watching Danielle and Mohamed make terrible life decisions on 90 Day Fiancé.”
Kai laughs, and it’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. “Danielle and Mohamed are a train wreck.”
I smile at him. “They sure are.”
He lowers his mouth to mine, and his kiss is soft, tender, like our lips are meeting for the very first time.
“Hey, Lucy,” he says, touching his forehead to mine.
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “I know, I know. It’s weird animal fact time. Scientists have done brain surgery on cockroaches.”
He laughs again and leans back to meet my gaze. “I was going to say that I’m falling in love with you.”
“Seriously?” I ask, my heart thudding. “You say that right after I drop a line about cockroaches?”
“Seemed like the perfect moment,” he says with a shrug, laughing as I swat him on the arm.
“I’m falling in love with you, too,” I tell him, marveling at the words as I say them aloud. Elle’s going to lose her mind.
He kisses me again, and soon our clothes, like the secrets we kept to ourselves for so long, are stripped off and discarded.