The most important first step toward healing and growth for a potential codependent in relationship with a narcissist is to recognize the deeper picture of the narcissistic disorder. Once you realize that there’s nothing you can do to fix your partner and that you’ve been under his or her spell, developing healthy boundaries will allow you to maintain your equilibrium in the midst of all the insanity.
BOUNDARIES: THE KEY TO CONFIDENCE,
CALM, AND SELF-CONTROL
Healthy boundaries are a statement of the dignity you have for yourself and for others. Any relationship will fail without boundaries. Since a narcissist has no boundaries and could
not care less about your boundaries, all interactions you have with them have the potential of becoming hideous. Narcissists assume that others are so mesmerized by their beauty, intelligence, and charm that the need to respect limits isn’t even in their consciousness. Entitlement, after all, is the name of their game. This means the responsibility for setting and maintaining boundaries is yours. If you are waiting until your partner, child, or coworker “gets it,” you’ll probably be waiting until the next life.
There are two purposes for boundaries: protection and containment. Protection means that what you value—your sanity, your privacy, your physical and emotional well-being—you will protect. It means that if someone is threatening to attack you in any manner, you’ll find a way to either put a halt to that behavior or leave the scene. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will trigger anxiety, fear, and anger in the ones that are closest to them. If you reside, work, or otherwise have a relationship with a narcissist, you must find a way to either tune them out or guard yourself from assault. This is easier said than done.
Containment is our ability to control our emotions until we’ve had the chance to think about what we’re doing. It’s the type of boundary that a narcissist will not acknowledge and feels too entitled to practice. However, just because your coworker or partner spews their emotions everywhere and causes havoc doesn’t mean that you need to behave in the same way. Practicing containment means you are able to rise above the turmoil and find your sanity. (Lerner, 1995)
You might be saying to yourself, “I’ve tried setting boundaries and it doesn’t make any difference!” If you mean that the behavior of your partner or coworker doesn’t seem to change, you’re right. If you’re saying that establishing boundaries didn’t work because he or she got angry or agreed to treat you with respect and then didn’t, ask yourself why you would expect anything else from a narcissist?
Despite this, it’s possible that his or her behavior will change in relationship to you. Why? Because narcissists are in such dread of losing their supply that when someone close to them sets limits and then follows through, their fear of abandonment is one of the few factors that will compel them to change. Granted, these changes aren’t done in the spirit of altruism or compassion, but it’s possible you will see a decrease in the bullying, rage, and insults.
In an ideal world, we would set our limits with others and they would reply, “Isn’t it wonderful that you’re saying, ‘that’s enough’ to me! I’m so proud of you for saying no!” That will rarely, if ever, happen with anyone, let alone a narcissist. Remember, like the victims of vampires, you’ve been under a trance—perhaps for many years. If you’re waiting for a narcissist to give you affirmation, tenderness, or otherwise take care of you when you set your limits, then you are absolutely correct in thinking that it’s not going to make any difference. However, if you set your boundaries with absolutely no expectation, you will be halfway home. It becomes a matter of validating and reassuring yourself. It’s knowing deep in your soul that if you don’t do this, you will die a very slow and painful emotional death.
Many individuals with narcissistic partners, coworkers, or children have lost their voices. In other words, they gave up on speaking their truth after a short time in these relationships. I realize that speaking up after years of zipping your lips is not easy. But the payoff for reclaiming your voice is an increased feeling of self-respect and empowerment. (Bader & Pearson, 2003)
In order to set boundaries with a narcissist, you must prepare adequately. Practice exactly what you want to say with the right demeanor and the right tone, and then look for the right timing. In other words, if your partner comes home ranting and raving about work, it’s self-sabotage to broach the subject of boundaries. Sometimes when we have something difficult to do, we feel such anxiety that we just want to get it over with as soon as possible. Practice self-care by waiting for the moment when you have the most chance of being heard.
The most important thing to remember is that you must do what you say you’re going to do in order to be taken seriously. The inability to follow through with our commitments to ourselves often keeps us feeling hopeless. If you say that you’ll leave the room, the house, or the relationship if a particular behavior continues, and then don’t do it, why would anyone take you seriously? What’s worse is that this lack of follow-through damages your own soul and destroys what little confidence you may have.
Why We Don’t Set Boundaries with Narcissists
When we’re intimidated, many of us feel like small children. We feel disempowered, we lose our voice, and we want to run and hide. And when we feel small, we tend to speak with the fear of a child and not with the grace and strength of a man or a woman. I call this dynamic “shrinking.” It happens to all of us at one time or another. However, when you’re feeling like a child and trying to speak your truth to a narcissist, you may as well kiss your dignity good-bye. This, by the way, is exactly what narcissists want. They want you to submit your power to them. They want you to quake in your shoes at the thought of a confrontation with them. So be advised, it’s not safe to let your inner child lead the dance in your relationship with a narcissist. Think about it this way: would you let a nine-year-old drive your car? Of course not. But a similar thing happens when we can’t “grow ourselves up” and find our inner strength.
There are four tools you can use to move from feeling like a child to becoming an empowered adult. These tools do not have to be used in this order presented, nor do you have to use all four. Implementing at least two of these rules can make a significant difference in your ability to voice your truth and maintain your dignity:
1. Set a limit.
2. Make a request.
3. Take an action.
4. Name the emotion you’re experiencing.
Set a limit, make a request, take an action, and name the emotion: sounds simple, right? Then why is it so challenging to implement? The problem lies not just in remembering to do this, but actually moving into action when we’re anxious, afraid, hurt, or vulnerable. When we’re in the midst of an argument, some of us would rather finish it to its hideous conclusion then practice what we know we should do. A number of us are overtaken with shame, and the accompanying despair paralyzes us. For most of us, behaving differently is out of our comfort zones. Even though we realize that what we’re doing doesn’t work, even though we know that it’s stripping us of our dignity, there’s a kind of solace in the old, albeit sick, behavior. Truly, the most intimate relationship we form is not with another human being; it’s with our comfort zone. A therapist named Rich Simon puts it this way: “For me, change is not an adventure. It’s a scary ordeal to be endured if necessary, but avoided if at all possible.” (Simon, 2007)
To understand why these four statements work so powerfully, it’s helpful to understand what happens to the brain when we’re faced with conflict. There are three distinct and separate cerebral units in the human brain:
• Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex is involved in making decisions, making plans, and taking action. It has a significant restraining role over impulses and actions.
• Amygdala: If you remember only one word about the amygdala, that word would be fear. The amygdala is the primary center for identification of danger and self-preservation responses, such as fight, flee, freeze, or faint. The amygdala is the center responsible for the lurch you feel in your stomach when you turn around in a dark alley and notice someone following you.
• Limbic: The limbic system is primarily responsible for our emotional life—mood, motivation, pain, and pleasure.
Someone told me once that “Life is God’s way of seeing if we can take a joke.” It’s a truly cosmic joke that there’s not more connection between the cortical analytical brain and the emotional/limbic brain. For example, have you ever tried to talk yourself out of being in love? When the emotional brain is active, the cortical brain doesn’t have as much influence as we’d like. For instance, how well do people think when they’re anxious, afraid, or angry? When we’re frozen in our fear or anxiety, we can’t think clearly or articulate well. Thus, if we can practice setting limits, making requests, taking an action, and naming the emotion, we can begin to activate our “adult” brain. Only then can we move from reactivity to integrity.
Incidentally, the purpose of naming your emotion when you’re upset is to calm your brain’s response to danger. According to Dr. Mathew Lieberman of UCLA, “if you name your emotions, you can tame them.” Brain scans show that putting negative emotions into words calms the brain’s emotion center. “In the same way you hit the brake when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses.(Lieberman, 2007) The following is an example of one man who implemented the tools of setting a limit, taking an action, and making a request to finally speak his truth to a narcissistic wife.
John was a client I’d been seeing for about six months. He’d had enough of his wife’s raging and her critical treatment of him. He found that he dreaded going home each day and resented that he’d let the situation get this awful. He spent his life with Diane feeling imprisoned with no chance of pardon. Each day as he started the drive home from work, he vowed that this would be the day that he’d finally stand up to Diane and be clear about his limits. Instead, when he got in the door he felt afraid and hopeless. If Diane was irritated about something, he knew he would be blamed and would tiptoe around the house in order to keep the peace. If Diane was relatively pleasant, he tiptoed around the house anyway, hoping not to make waves. John was trapped in his own fear and allowed Diane to determine night after night what kind of evening he was going to have
At work, John was assertive, successful, and well-respected by his clients. This discrepancy between work and home eroded John’s self-esteem, as day after day, he’d give his power over to his wife. He was so humiliated about his situation that he never invited friends or colleagues to his home.
One evening when John’s car was stalled, his coworker, Art, offered him a ride home. John accepted and when they reached his house, John didn’t see Diane’s car in the driveway and invited his colleague in for a drink. To his shock, Diane was talking on the phone and pacing back and forth in a wild frenzy. He invited Art to sit down and tried to make conversation amidst the ranting and raving of his wife. In a few minutes, Diane hung up the phone and shrieked, “I asked you to pick up milk and you forgot. You know, John, you really are a useless man!”
Diane marched into the living room with a scowl and was preparing to say more when she noticed Art sitting in the chair. Her demeanor changed miraculously. She walked over to John, put her arm around him, and said, “Darling, I didn’t know we had company.” She walked up to Art and warmly greeted him and invited him to stay for dinner. Art said he had a commitment, made his good-byes, and left.
Mortified and angry, John summoned the courage to confront his wife that evening. When he started addressing her treatment of him, Diane came over, stuck her finger in his face, and let the venom spill. Instead of backing down, John firmly requested that she get her finger out of his face. After a few minutes Diane turned to him and yelled, “Don’t you dare tell me what to do!”
At that moment, John felt an all-too-familiar fear creep into his consciousness. He was starting to lose his train of thought when he remembered what I had suggested he do when he felt fear.
“I’m going to use the bathroom and we’ll continue this in a few minutes,” he told Diane.
John left and closed the door to the bathroom. He first acknowledged his emotional state: “I’m feeling anxious and afraid.” He looked at himself in the mirror, took a couple of deep breaths, and gave himself the affirmation that he’d been practicing for months: “You can do this. There’s nothing she can do to you that you haven’t already experienced. It’s time to take charge of your life.”
During the course of the conversation with Diane, John had to leave the room twice. Each time, he returned feeling slightly more empowered and was finally able to say the things that needed to be said for a long time. Diane responded with vitriol and anger. John responded by excusing himself, going to his study, shutting the door, and listening to music on his “sound-canceling” headphones.
When John came in for his next appointment, his demeanor was different. Instead of a hopeless, despairing tone of voice, he appeared more upbeat and stronger. He described the encounter with Diane and the aftermath of her rage at him. It was clear that she hadn’t changed, but John’s behavior had changed with Diane. In other words, he found his self-respect again.
“Something is different, Rokelle,” he said. “I feel as if I can take care of myself and stop acting like a victim begging for her approval. I even talked to Art at work and resisted the urge to apologize for my wife. Her behavior is her problem.”
John felt a sense of pride that he was able to stand up to his wife without cowering or backing down. He realized that he could only do that by developing his boundaries and “growing himself up.” He loves Diane, but he realizes that love is not enough. If she continues to disrespect him, he may have to leave the relationship. He realizes that the lesson he has to learn from this is that he deserves respect, that he doesn’t have to remain a victim, and that it’s up to him to take action by setting and maintaining boundaries.
He was able to safeguard his integrity by making a request (don’t point your finger at me), naming his emotion (I feel anxious and afraid), and taking an action (excusing himself and leaving the room when he felt intimidated). These types of behaviors literally influence the movement of neurotransmitters in our brains from the limbic, emotional brain to the cerebral cortex. In this way, we can think about what we’re feeling.
Practical Magic: Putting Boundaries into Action
Most of us realize that if we feel ourselves “shrinking” yet continue to speak, our words will undoubtedly come across as weak and unconvincing. If this happens, it’s crucial to excuse yourself immediately. If you’re able to do this, your narcissistic partner will be startled, upset, and eventually anxious that you’re gaining fortitude.
Here are some convenient exit statements:
• I need to use the bathroom.
• I forgot to make a phone call.
• I need a glass of water.
• I just forgot that I left some papers in the car.
• I’d prefer to discuss this later. How about tomorrow evening?
Or, if you’re feeling bolder:
• “When you speak to me in that tone, I cannot continue. I’m going to leave the room. Let me know when you’re ready to listen without yelling.”
• “I’m trying to understand, but I’m feeling attacked. Could you tell me what you don’t like without sounding harsh? I’m fine with you saying, ‘I didn’t like it when you let me know about our appointment three days before it, when you knew for weeks.’ That’s easier for me to hear than when you say: ‘You are an arrogant woman.’”
When you approach a narcissist with your boundary requests, I suggest that you start with this statement: “There are some things I need to say to you, and while I’m speaking, I request that you don’t interrupt me. Can you do that?” If the answer is anything but yes, then simply state, “When you’re ready to listen without interrupting, please let me know,” and then leave the room. You don’t have to have an argument or be engaged in a dialogue about this. Remember, the more you get snagged into a discussion, the more you lose your power.
Keep in mind that very few of us had any guidance in developing healthy boundaries and no one will establish their limits perfectly. However, if you’re not willing to follow through with what you say you will do, then it’s better not to say anything at all. Instead, practice in front of the mirror, practice with friends, and build up your emotional muscles. When the time comes that you feel ready to share your boundaries, then summon your dignity and speak with the poise of an adult. The following example of protection boundaries may be helpful:
• “If you bully me either when we’re alone or in public, I will ask you to stop. And if you continue, I’ll leave the room.”
• “When you rage at me, I feel frightened. My request is that you contain your anger and let me know what you want in a calm way. If you continue to rage at me, I’ll leave the house (or the relationship).”
• “If you insult me (by calling me names, picking on me, and so forth), I’ll ask you to stop. If you continue this behavior, I’ll leave the room. If it happens again, I’ll leave the relationship.”
• “When you embarrass me in public, I feel mortified and hurt. If you do this again, I will leave the gathering immediately. If it happens a second time, I will not go out with you in public.”
Work-Related Boundaries
Setting boundaries at work is complicated. Many of us can’t stand the way we’re treated by narcissistic employers or clients; yet we can’t afford to lose our jobs. As we discussed in chapter 8, you’re the one who will have to discern the emotional price you’re willing to pay by remaining in the employ of a narcissist. In the meantime, here are some suggested dialogues that both appease this type of employer but set limits in a gentler way:
• “I value your feedback, and it’s important to me. I’m wondering if you could give me your feedback privately so that I can really listen to what you have to say.”
• “When you insult me during our meetings, I really feel blindsided. I want to learn from you because you have so much to teach me. My request is that you stop calling me names so I can really listen to you without becoming distracted. If this happens at future meetings, I’ll have to leave the room temporarily, but be assured, I will return.”
• “When you ask me to run errands for you, like picking up your dry cleaning, I get really behind in my work. If you can’t do it, I’ll be glad to help you out sometimes, but you’re paying me too much to do this on a regular basis and I don’t want to waste your money.”
CONTAINMENT:
FROM REACTIVITY TO INTEGRITY
When a narcissist is being insulting, on a rampage, or simply behaving horribly, it’s difficult to avoid reacting. When we’re being attacked, it’s not as if we can stand there looking up a particular passage in our books or rummaging through our handouts for the right thing to say or do. What often happens is that we shoot from the hip and respond in the same old ways—and get the same old results.
When attacked, we need to quell our reactions. It’s not that we have to remain stoic, but if a narcissist knows he or she is having the desired effect, chances are the behavior will be repeated. When you’re in the midst of fiery narcissistic fumes, it will be necessary to both protect yourself from the onslaught and contain yourself so you don’t become an offender. The following nondefensive actions/statements by Dr. Brian Walker are invaluable when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s strong emotion:
Remain silent, nod your head, and give the impression you’re listening. Or make statements such as these:
• “Oh?” or “Hmmm . . .”
• “Maybe so.” or “Could be.”
• “That’s a very interesting opinion.”
• “I want to think about what you’re saying.”
• “What are you trying to tell me/ask for?”
• “Why is that so important to you?” (Walker, 2007; Smith, 1985)
Do these actions/statements resolve the issues you’re facing? Of course not, but they give you time to think, breath, and calm down without emotionally reacting or “shrinking.” To make some order out of your chaos, I suggest memorizing the statements and using them when you’re facing a narcissistic tantrum.
If you want to have even more impact with a narcissist, make your statement with a friendly tone of voice and a gentle facial expression. Speak clearly, calmly, and confidently. Avoid allowing your voice to rise at the end of a sentence, particularly if you’re stating what you want and need. Doing so undermines what you are saying. Amazingly, if you relax the muscles in your face and especially around your eyes when you talk, your attitude will become softer with less effort. Using these techniques, the narcissist may still blow strong, harsh wind, but your sails won’t be up to catch that wind. The outcome will be that you won’t be bashed into the rocks trying to recover from yet another emotional shipwreck.
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you will inevitably have to leave them in order to salvage your integrity. If you’ve spoken your truth and set your bottom line for the relationship to continue, and your partner breaks this boundary and continues the behavior, then you have your answer. The answer is either that this relationship is not of value to this person or that the state of his or her emotional or mental health prevents him or her from honoring this boundary. Regardless of the reason, when we keep moving our boundary lines, the price we pay is shame, anger, grief, and the loss of self-esteem.
Having said this, it’s not uncommon to reach the point of letting go, only to have the narcissist deliver the most compelling and unbelievable seduction story. Desperate about losing his primary supply, you will most likely witness a performance of warmth and caring that is of Oscar quality. This is when you will need the courage to confront your own internal longing for the seduction to be true. (Carnes, 1997)
It’s important to prepare yourself before you talk to a narcissist. The Confrontations, Concerns, and Boundaries worksheets on the following page is a guide for determining your boundaries, your emotions, and your requests. This blank worksheet is followed by a sample worksheet to help you get started. Be advised, that when you make requests of narcissists, they will do whatever is in their power to resist answeringyou. They will blame, manipulate, rage, change the subject, be seductive, and so forth. It’s your job to keep this person on track. You deserve an answer and there are three possible, suitable answers to your requests: “Yes, I will,” “No, I won’t,” or “I’ll think about that and get back to you.” (If this is the answer, you have the right to know when the request will be answered.)
You may be asking yourself, why should I bother making requests? The reasons why we make requests are twofold. First of all, you’re much more likely to get your needs met if they’re stated in the form of a request instead of a demand or anxious whining. Secondly, just because our narcissistic partners or employers behave in an obnoxious manner, it doesn’t mean that we have to adopt their style.
ONCE A VICTIM, TWICE A VOLUNTEER
Even though this statement may be harsh, it’s something that the prey of narcissistic vampires have to consider. Not being a victim or a volunteer comes down to making a choice: either take action or remain in a miserable cycle of suffering. The choice is yours. When you resist doing what you know is in your own best interest, you remain a victim. I’m not saying that making the choice for yourself is easy, or that those who won’t or can’t do it are to be judged. I’m suggesting that if you’re in this situation, you’ve abdicated your power and your choices. It’s as if you’re under a spell and the only one that can break this spell is you.
If you’ve become resigned to suffering, I would remind you that we’re not saints, and we’re not supposed to be saints. Not only that, but there’s also a legacy of suffering that some parents inadvertently pass down to their children. I’m reminded of a cartoon of a mother with a huge cross on her back, staring at her children who are surrounding her. She’s bent over from the weight of this cross and her children are looking up at her with concern in their eyes. The caption is “Someday this will be yours.” (Giersch, 1989)
In relationship with a narcissist, there’s a difference between being a victim and being a survivor. A victim is someone who’s still in a state of denial about being emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually abused. A victim has been contaminated by the narcissist’s curse and sincerely believes that if he or she could just be smarter, prettier, thinner, more muscular, or more talented, their spouse wouldn’t treat them so hideously.
A survivor is someone who is awakening from the trance of being a narcissist’s supply. They are beginning to grasp that they are not responsible for their partner’s vicious cruelty, raging, lies, or unreasonable jealousy. They are people who are aware that the narcissistic dynamic is not their fault, which is immensely relieving and an important step toward healing. However, let me pose a question: how many of you are content with just surviving for most of your life? For most of us, the idea of spending our lives in survival mode is like a jail sentence with no parole. Consider then that the next step is a transformation from survival to thriving.
Thriving is beyond survival in that we take responsibility for our own healing. We no longer tolerate abuse in any form. We defend ourselves from further mistreatment by setting boundaries and following through with commitments we’ve made to ourselves. The movement from victimization to empowerment/thriving looks like this:
Victim: “I don’t believe I’m being mistreated.” “It’s my own fault that she treats me that way.”
Survivor: “I am not responsible for the reactions of the narcissist in my life.”
Thriving: “I am not responsible for the way I’ve been treated. But I am responsible for the solution, the resolution, and my protection, so it never happens again.”
I must add that if you are a partner of a narcissist, you’re coping with grueling circumstances that you did not create. It’s important that you avoid shaming yourself and sinking into despair. In other words, obsessing about how stupid and how damaged you may be sets you up for further ridicule and abuse.
The following poem speaks beautifully to this struggle and has been an inspiration to many who have lost themselves in their relationships:
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.