Jenny couldn’t stop grinning as she took in the casual elegance of Kathryn seated opposite her in the charming French restaurant. Atmospheric music played softly in the background, and a flickering candle between them reflected mesmerizing highlights onto Kathryn’s eyes. Jenny was glad to see her back to herself after the horrible evening the night before.
She was glad she took Smitty’s advice and let Kathryn come to her in her own time rather than pushing, which would have been her first instinct. It didn’t take long. Kathryn rang her in the early afternoon to plan a date for dinner.
The scene was perfect, and Jenny’s heart was full. She felt connected to Kathryn like never before. The knowledge of her tragic past wrapped itself around her mind and soul until she felt the heartbreak form a bridge between them, with only time and opportunity keeping them apart. It was Smitty who gave her this gift, however, not Kathryn, so the bond came with a caveat. Still, knowing the truth only accentuated everything she already admired about her, drawing her deeper into Kathryn’s enigmatic aura and sending her inexorably on a path of no return.
Kathryn was everything she could ever want in a woman. Anyone could admire her beauty, but very few would ever know the complex woman inside. Jenny was one step closer to that. One step closer to Kathryn letting her in completely. She didn’t know if Kathryn was ready for that yet, but a few more nights like the one they spent together and Jenny sensed she would be.
She seemed so carefree and relaxed tonight. The sophisticated sweep of her dark hair complemented the graceful arch of her brow when she had occasion to smile, which, as the evening went on, became more and more often. Jenny loved how her lips subtly revealed emotions that her eyes tried to hide when she’d suppress a smile and look away.
When she looked away, Jenny studied her more intently. She couldn’t help but admire her confident body language, perfect posture, and the precise, delicate grace of her hands as she handled her silverware. Those hands were anything but precise and delicate when they were on her body. They were strong, insistent, and surprisingly possessive during their first passionate hours together. Only later, after they were both sated, did the heavenly, precise, delicate exploration of her most intimate places occur.
Jenny clutched the napkin in her lap as a wave of arousal engulfed her.
Kathryn caught her staring, and with a grin that said she probably knew exactly what she was thinking, said, “Are you all right?”
Jenny cleared her throat and took a sip of wine as a stall tactic while she thought of a response. She glanced at the silverware in Kathryn’s hands again and noticed she’d employed the fashion abroad by using both hands—one to cut, the other to eat—instead of the American habit of cutting and switching the fork to the knife hand, which she employed at their last dinner at the very American Blue Note Lounge. It seemed like a viable excuse.
“I was just admiring your international table manners.”
“When in Rome,” Kathryn said with a smile.
Jenny supposed her OSS training instilled ways to remain inconspicuous in foreign countries by adopting their customs, and now it was second nature. She wondered if she would get the same training one day.
She must have had amorous intentions written all over her face, because Kathryn suppressed a smile and offered a covert glance around the crowded restaurant.
“You know,” she said, “if you’re not careful, everyone in this place will know what you’re thinking.”
Jenny arched a brow. “What a treat for them.”
Kathryn broke into a full-faced grin and made a sound that was part exhale, part laugh. She’d made the same sound during their night together when Jenny had stroked a particularly sensitive spot, and another wave of arousal sent her entire body thrumming with desire.
She didn’t hide it very well, because Kathryn’s eyes darkened in response. Jenny was about to signal for the check when Kathryn’s gaze drifted past her shoulder.
A man approached, and she raised her chin with a welcoming smile. “Ah, Henri!”
After the traditional faire la bise greeting, Jenny listened to them exchange pleasantries in impeccable French before Kathryn turned to her and introduced her in English.
“Henri, this is Jenny Ryan. Jenny, Henri is the owner of this fine establishment.”
He took her offered hand in his. “A pleasure, mademoiselle.”
Jenny responded to him in equally impeccable French.
Henri turned to Kathryn in impressed surprise, which Kathryn returned. After a few more pleasantries, the gregarious man departed. An uncomfortable silence fell as Kathryn suddenly found rearranging the silverware more important than meeting her eyes.
Jenny let it go on for a few seconds, not wanting to derail the progress they’d made. The man was obviously from France, and she wondered if he was connected to the horrific overseas experience or, perhaps, a reminder of its occurrence.
“Are you all right?”
Kathryn looked up and smiled. “Sure.” She glanced at the owner across the room. “He’s a lovely man.”
Something had changed, and Jenny tilted her head with a furrowed brow, hoping Kathryn would fill her in. Kathryn’s version of filling her in was a forced smile followed by, “You speak French very well.”
“I thought you knew I spoke French.”
“I don’t recall you mentioning it.”
Jenny leaned in to make sure they weren’t overheard. “I just assumed you’d read my file.”
Kathryn shifted uncomfortably. “I confess,” she said. “I did. I’m sorry.”
“You look embarrassed.”
“I just … well, some might see that as an invasion of privacy.”
“It’s not like you’ve done anything wrong, Kat. I mean, you have clearance.” She smiled. “And my permission, if that makes you feel better.” She watched Kathryn relax as she accepted the permission with a downward glance and a relieved nod of the head. Jenny was glad, because the last thing Kathryn needed was something else to feel guilty about.
“I don’t have any secrets, and I’d be more than happy to tell you anything you want to know about me.”
Kathryn stared at her with what Jenny swore was admiration. Considering the secrets she must keep, maybe she longed to be that free. She shrugged. “Still, it makes me feel like I should apologize, so again, I’m sorry.”
“Nonsense,” Jenny assured her, as she cut up the last string bean on her plate, resisting the urge to switch hands to eat it. She speared all three sections and smiled, hoping to charm Kathryn out of her regret. “Besides, I bet you couldn’t wait to crack open that file to find out everything about me.”
Kathryn finally grinned. “I confess to that as well. Actually, I’m glad you know I’ve seen it.”
Jenny nodded as she swallowed and placed her silverware across her empty plate in the same pattern that Kathryn had. “Confession is good for the soul, isn’t it?”
Kathryn produced another forced smile as the waiter cleared their table of dinner plates. She still seemed uncomfortable about something. When she closed her eyes and briefly rubbed her forehead, Jenny got worried.
“Are you all right?” she asked after the waiter cleared out. “Do you have a headache?”
“No, no,” Kathryn said, “I’m fine.”
“Good.” Jenny breathed a sigh of relief. Kathryn had reiterated Smitty’s lie about a migraine derailing their previous evening, and she wondered if there was any truth in the excuse.
“Do you get migraines often?”
“No,” Kathryn said, as she picked up her wineglass. “Not so often, thank goodness.”
Jenny nodded. She hated that Kathryn had to lie about the night before, but, at the same time, she was amazed at her ability to carry it off so convincingly. She supposed lying was a big part of her job, but that didn’t make it any easier when the skill was employed on her, especially when the truth could bring them so much closer.
“I have a confession,” Jenny began carefully.
“Oh?” Kathryn said with a smile, “I hear it’s good for the soul.”
Jenny would have smiled too, but she wanted Kathryn to know she was serious. “In the ladies’ room yesterday, when I was crying? It wasn’t because someone reminded me of my dad. I was frightened.”
Kathryn tilted her head. “Of?”
“I was frightened by what Lawrence did to you—I mean tried to do to you.”
Kathryn leaned in. “Nothing’s going to happen to me.”
“He could have killed you.”
“With Smitty around? Not a chance.”
Jenny swallowed, the emotion of her next statement almost getting the better of her. “He can’t always be there. One day he won’t.”
“Well, he’s here for me now, so no more of this, okay?”
Jenny bowed her head.
“Hey—” Kathryn leaned a little closer. “Nothing’s going to happen to me.”
Jenny looked into Kathryn’s eyes and nodded. “Okay. I mean, I know. Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Kathryn straightened and picked up her wine glass. “Thank you for telling me that. I appreciate your honesty.”
“Confession’s good for the soul,” Jenny said, then smiled, though she didn’t feel it.
I appreciate your honesty rolled around in her head as she looked into Kathryn’s very open face. They were so close to really connecting, she could almost reach out and touch it but for this one thing standing between them. She was sure that once that barrier was breached, there would be nothing to stand in their way. No more lies, no more misunderstandings. I appreciate your honesty.
“I have another confession to make,” Jenny said tentatively. “I saw you last night.”
Kathryn’s eyes widened ever so slightly as she slowly raised her chin and set down her glass. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
“In your dressing room. Your breakdown.”
Kathryn held Jenny’s gaze for a few moments and then quickly scanned the room as if every single person there knew what had happened. Her gaze dropped to the table. “Jenny, that’s …” She raised an uneasy hand to her forehead. “That’s something—”
“It’s okay, Kat.” Jenny reached out. “I know.”
Kathryn looked up. “You know what?”
“Overseas. The boys. Everything. Smitty told me.”
“That’s a lie,” Kathryn said in a clipped whisper. “He would never do that!”
Jenny pulled back her hand and straightened in her chair, not sure she liked being called a liar. “I’m sorry, but he did.”
Kathryn’s jaw visibly tensed. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Jenny sensed Smitty was going to get an earful when next they met.
“Please don’t be angry with him. It’s my fault. I dragged it out of him.”
Controlled irritation rolled off Kathryn, and Jenny reached out again to touch her hand, which had worked itself into a fist. “Kat—”
Ferocious blue eyes flashed, and Jenny withdrew immediately.
“He had no right to say anything!” Kathryn said through gritted teeth, conscious of her volume and the people around them.
“It was my fault,” Jenny reiterated, hoping to at least save Smitty from Kathryn’s wrath.
“You—” Kathryn started and then stopped, quickly glancing around the room before leaning in to speak. “One roll in the sack does not give you an all-access pass to my personal life! Do you understand? You want to know something about me, you ask me!”
“I’m sorry, Kat. You’re right,” Jenny said feebly, wishing like hell she could start over. “I just wanted to help … to be closer.”
“Going behind my back and snooping into my personal life is not going to bring us closer!”
“I didn’t—” Jenny realized trying to explain at that moment wouldn’t do any good, so she issued another apology and hoped it was enough. “I’m sorry. I realize that. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve got that right.” Kathryn threw her napkin on the table and stormed off toward the ladies’ room.
Jenny watched her go and then exhaled to the ceiling at her stupidity.
Kathryn paced the small ladies’ room, trying to make sense of the last few minutes. She knew Smitty didn’t like Jenny, but to deliberately sabotage their relationship? And then to lie to her at breakfast? She didn’t know what angered her more, his betrayal or the corruption of her relationship because of it. Jenny knew now, and how casual she was about it! It ruined everything. Didn’t she realize?
When Jenny met her for dinner, she sensed something had changed. She just didn’t know why. Now it made perfect sense. What she thought was adoration, maybe even lust, was clearly pity brought on by the information Smitty had given her.
Everything was going so well. She even tamped down the brief panic brought on by the jarring reminder of Jenny’s language skills and the implications for her future at the OSS.
How could she have been so stupid to believe herself worthy or capable of a relationship without the long arm of her past dropping a live grenade in the middle of it? Dropped by Smitty, no less!
Between the two of them, she didn’t know where to start. Anger, loss, embarrassment, and frustration swirled in her head until the room was spinning, but she knew it was only her life swirling down a familiar dark hole.
Jenny stood outside the ladies’ room for what seemed an eternity. Her hand had been on the doorknob more than once, but she was in no hurry to greet what was waiting on the other side. How many times would she have to tell herself to think things through? What did she think Kathryn was going to do, welcome the news?
It wasn’t going to get settled standing on the wrong side of the door, so she took a deep breath and reached for the knob. She grasped empty air as the door flung open and Kathryn, in all her rage, was on her way out.
Jenny instinctively stepped aside, quite sure that, at that moment, Kathryn would have no qualms about bowling her over. Kathryn stopped in her tracks but only long enough to issue an annoyed sneer as she brushed past her and headed toward the telephone cabinet at the end of the hall.
“Kat—”
As expected, she was ignored, so she dutifully followed, preparing for the worst. Kathryn entered the phone cabinet, and fortunately for Jenny, it had no door. She leaned on the frame and said, “Kathryn, please. You can’t just ignore me.”
Kathryn did just that and put her nickel in the slot and dialed. “I’d like a taxi, please.”
Jenny reached in, brushing Kathryn aside, and depressed the receiver cradle. “We’re not leaving things like this.”
She realized that was probably not a good idea when Kathryn slammed the receiver against the wall and let her temper fly, all the while keeping her volume for Jenny’s ears only.
“Damn it, Jenny! You don’t seem to understand that I don’t even want to see you right now, let alone have a conversation with you!”
“Well, that’s too bad, Kathryn, because there’s been a huge misunderstanding, and I’m not letting you walk out on me without getting a chance to explain.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” She slammed the handset on its receiver, barely missing Jenny’s retreating fingers, before digging in her purse for another nickel.
“Keeping everything bottled up is no way to have a relationship. You have to talk to me.”
Kathryn let loose a humorless chuckle as she continued digging in her purse. “We were having sex, not a relationship, and now we’re having neither.”
“That’s not true, Kathryn!”
She ignored her.
Jenny grabbed the purse, ensuring Kathryn’s complete attention, and, most assuredly, her wrath, but she didn’t care. “That’s not true, Kathryn, and you know it.”
“You know what I know, Jenny?” Kathryn began conversationally as she snatched her purse back and leaned menacingly forward. “I know that the man I trusted the most in this world stabbed me in the back, and you know why? Because he didn’t like who I was seeing. And you? I haven’t figured out your game yet, but all the angling you did with Smitty for the upper hand was wasted.”
“What?”
“Wasted,” Kathryn reiterated. “I am not going to be manipulated by you or Smitty or anyone else.”
Jenny was astounded. “Manipulated?” Misunderstanding had been an understatement. What kind of relationships had this woman had? “Kathryn, no.”
“It’s over, Jenny. You had your one night of fun, so I hope you enjoyed it.”
Kathryn attempted to brush past, but Jenny held fast to her arm, eliciting another warning glare. Jenny ignored it. “You’re so wrong, Kat.”
“Let go of me.”
“Not until you listen to me. You’re wrong, Kathryn. Please.”
Kathryn could have broken away in an instant, Jenny knew, but evidently something still burned within, because she leaned back into the cabinet and crossed her arms. Jenny paced in a small circle, wondering where to begin. The truth seemed like a good place to start—ironic, since that’s what got her into trouble in the first place—so she took a deep breath and methodically began. She told Kathryn how she went to her dressing room because Smitty was so concerned about her and how she convinced him to tell her what was wrong. Kathryn remained silent throughout, finally uncrossing her arms to unnecessarily arrange her hair.
“I know you’re angry, Kat, but please, don’t blame Smitty. He loves you. You know he’d never do anything to hurt you.” She paused. “And neither would I.”
Kathryn tucked her purse under her arm. “Are you through?”
“Are you still angry?”
Kathryn considered the question but didn’t answer it. “Ring us a taxi. You wasted my last nickel.”
That beat a poke in the eye, Jenny supposed.
Kathryn stared vaguely ahead from the back seat of the shared taxi as dimmed streetlight after dimmed streetlight droned by. Jenny refused to send her home alone and climbed into the cab after her. They weren’t far from her apartment, and neither had spoken. She didn’t know what to say, where to start. Jenny’s explanation made perfect sense, and she had overreacted. She had no anger now, only regret. Jenny was trying to help. She didn’t deserve the things she’d said to her, and oh, the things she’d said. How could an apology possibly be enough after reducing their beautiful night together to a vulgar roll in the sack. She exhaled and rubbed her forehead.
“Are you all right,” Jenny asked softly.
Kathryn crossed her arms and nodded. She would be home soon and would get out of the taxi, burdened with too many things said and too many things left unsaid. How could she explain what she was feeling and why she had reacted so badly? How does one explain, after a lifetime of fighting for normalcy, how it feels to finally come so close only to have it taken away?
Shock and disappointment led to irrational anger, and Jenny unfairly bore the brunt of it. In reality, it had very little to do with her. The anger was for the past, from the past, for what she did, for what they made her do. She hated that it still poisoned her life, her thoughts, her actions. She felt guilt, wounded pride, and shame for being so weak. It was too hard to explain, just too hard. Jenny could never understand. Why would she want to? Kathryn was pretty sure she’d shown enough of her true nature to destroy any hope of yet another chance with her, and sensing this was goodbye, she supposed she could at least attempt to say she was sorry.
The word rolled around in her head as they reached her block, but the more she thought about it, the more inadequate it seemed. What was the point? What was Jenny supposed to say? Gee, I forgive you for being an asshole? I can’t wait for you to tell me how little I mean to you again? No. Let it go. Let her go. Let her find someone who can make her happy.
The taxi came to a halt at the curb in front of her apartment, and she continued to stare straight ahead. She felt Jenny’s expectant eyes boring into her cheek, and the heavy silence taunted her in its deafening recrimination. She’d been horrid to Jenny, and she just took it. No one should put up with that.
The cabby turned around. “Ain’t got all night, ladies. This the place or what?”
Kathryn reached into her purse and gave him triple what it should cost to get Jenny home. “Take her wherever she needs to go.” Sorry never did pass her lips as she got out of the taxi without a backward glance. She wasn’t surprised to hear Jenny say, “Wait a moment,” to the driver and slam the door as she followed her to the curb.
Jenny should be long gone, not trying to fix things after how she’d spoken to her. Kathryn exhaled and turned around. “Jenny—”
“This is how it ends? After what we shared, this is how it ends?”
She shouldn’t have looked Jenny in the eyes. She was hurt but determined. And so damned beautiful. The woman was like a drug, so help her. She looked at the sidewalk and said what she needed to say before they parted.
“You shouldn’t let anyone push you around.”
“You’re not pushing me around, Kat. You’re punishing yourself, and that’s got nothing to do with me.”
Jenny was silent until Kathryn met her eyes again.
“We either move on from here or we don’t. It’s up to you. When you decide to forgive me for caring and yourself for being a jerk because of it, call me.”
Kathryn was speechless.
“Good night,” Jenny said curtly, and yanked the taxi door open.
“Drive.” Kathryn heard her say as she climbed in and slammed the door shut.
She stared at the taxi’s small red taillights until they faded into the darkness and the sound of shifting gears blended into the nondescript hum of the night.
She exhaled and looked to the sky. It was up to her. She left her ruined evening on the empty street and slowly entered the stairway door to her apartment. Her evening ended as it began: dreaming of a future she once only imagined and not surprised to find that what she imagined was only a dream.
The taxi left Kathryn on the curb, and Jenny struggled against looking back. Seeing Kathryn standing alone in the street would break her heart. She barely resisted telling the driver to turn around. She wanted to take Kathryn in her arms and hold her until all her fears and insecurities surrendered their piece of her.
Be patient, Smitty had said. Give her time to decide what she really wants. She’ll come to you or she won’t. Jenny cringed. This is what she was counting on? She didn’t look back, but in her mind’s eye, she could see Kathryn’s lonesome silhouette, and she wondered if that was the last memory she would have of her. It seemed to typify Kathryn’s life, and, in the most distressing way, was only fitting.
Jenny arrived home and numbly went through her nighttime routine, unable to think of anything but her disastrous evening. She was initially shocked by Kathryn’s backlash, the harsh words like a slap in the face, but any fool could see they were out of fear and pain, not hatred, and certainly not personal.
She rolled over in bed and looked at the mute phone, her only link to the woman who had come to mean so much to her. What would she do if she didn’t call? She pulled the phone closer and rolled onto her back. “Please, Kat. Don’t give up on us.”
Kathryn nervously clutched the telephone receiver as she listened to the tinny ring grinding out its pattern on the other end of the line. She would let it ring this time. She’d picked up the handset and replaced it five times in the last hour before finally gathering the nerve to actually dial Jenny’s number. It was late, and she wasn’t sure what to expect, but Jenny did say it was up to her, and she never did give her that apology. For once, she would not run away. She would face the consequences of her actions head on, come what may.
An odd array of noises came from the other end of the line when it was picked up, accentuated by a string of curses and finally a grumpy, “Yes! Hello?”
Kathryn winced. This was bad already.
“Hello?” Jenny impatiently repeated.
Kathryn thought about hanging up.
“Kat?”
But she couldn’t. She was determined to settle this one way or the other tonight. “I’m sorry, it’s late,” she said. “Please don’t hang up on me, okay?” Her eyes flicked around the room, anxiously awaiting Jenny’s reply.
“I won’t hang up on you.”
She was relieved when she was met with more sympathy than she felt she deserved. “Okay. Thank you.”
Jenny tilted her head at Kathryn’s tremulous voice, an unfamiliar sound coming from her usually self-assured friend. She was startled from a dead sleep by the ringing phone and played hot potato with the handset until she dropped it on her forehead. A rude awakening to be sure, but well worth the lump. She didn’t really expect Kathryn to call so soon, and the fact that she did gave Jenny hope that it was good news rather than bad. She slid down on her pillow and waited for whatever Kathryn had to say, which, at first, wasn’t much.
She heard a quivering exhale.
“I, uh …”
Silence. Another exhale.
Jenny bit her tongue, dying to tell her it was all right. Everything would be fine. But it wasn’t up to her to decide what was fine. This was Kathryn’s burden, a wall she needed to tear down for her own sake. So Jenny waited, cradling the handset with all the tenderness she wished to impart to the woman on the other end of the line.
Kathryn closed her eyes and balled up a fist on her forehead for strength. She sat slumped on the edge of her bed and just had out with it.
“I’m sorry, Jenny, and I know that’s not enough. I know that doesn’t make up for the things I said or how I behaved, but I’m afraid I don’t know where to start or what else to say.”
Jenny was silent for too long, and Kathryn swore her heart stopped beating, waiting for her response.
“I thought I told you to call me when you had forgiven yourself.”
Kathryn opened her eyes and stared at the numbers on the phone dial as she decided very carefully what to say next. “I can’t forgive myself unless I know you forgive me, because I’ve made a terrible mess of things, and whether or not we’re ever lovers again pales to whether or not we’re ever friends again.” She paused, on the verge of tears. “You were my friend, Jenny. Whatever happens, I don’t want to lose that.”
Ten heartbeats passed before Jenny answered. Kathryn knew the number because she counted each one thudding loudly in her ears. “That’s really up to you, Kathryn.”
She had thought long and hard on that before deciding to call. Was the fact that Jenny now knew about her past worse than not having her in her life at all? No, she decided.
“I don’t want to lose that,” she reiterated softly. “The things I said—” She covered her eyes with her hand. “Please know I didn’t mean it. I was—” She grimaced and put her fist to her forehead again. There was no excuse. “Please forgive me, I didn’t mean it.”
Silence.
“Jenny?”
“I forgive you.”
Her voice was a caress, her words absolution, and Kathryn wiped a tear from her cheek. “Thank you.”
She didn’t know when Jenny’s presence in her life had become so indispensable, but she was grateful for her forgiveness and her patience. “I’m so very sorry, Jenny.”
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect you. I just wanted to be there for you like you have been for me.”
“I know. I was a fool. I … it’s hard to explain. I just … I didn’t want you to know.” She sensed Jenny opening her mouth to protest, so she held up her hand as if Jenny could see it through the line and cut her off before she could speak. “I mean, I did. Maybe. One day. Eventually. I don’t know. I—” She threw her hand in the air. “I just wanted one part of my life to be untouched by that. You were it.”
“If it touches you, Kat, it touches me. I want to help if you’ll let me.”
Jenny was nothing if not persistent. She had no idea what she was getting into or any sense of the loss her mining of the past had wrought. “Our relationship is different now, Jenny. Before it was—” She paused, trying to find the right word. “Unspoiled. And now—”
“And now?”
“And now you know.”
“And?”
Yes, and? What exactly had changed? Was Jenny walking on eggshells? Treating her differently? No. So far, all her fears were unfounded. The only thing poisoning their relationship was her insecurities.
“And,” she drew out, embracing her epiphany, “I’m an idiot.”
Jenny chuckled through the line. “Are you still angry?”
“No. I’m not angry.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Smitty off the hook?”
Kathryn smiled. “Off the hook.”
“Good. Now … what’s this whether or not we’re ever lovers again business?”