Chapter Twelve

WITHDRAWAL

FAITH LOOKED OVER AT JACOB at the nooning. He had taken a long time watering the teams. When he came back he picked up his plate without a word, ate a few bites, set it down, and said “Thanks.” Nothing else.

What was wrong? She knew he grieved over Rudy. She did, too, but wouldn’t it be better to comfort each other? She needed him. Why didn’t he need her? Did he blame her for Rudy’s death? Did he regret taking her as his wife, now that he didn’t need her to care for the baby?

 

“I think I need to be alone for a while,” Jacob said when bedtime arrived. “Why don’t you sleep in the wagon again. I need some time to sort out my thoughts and work through my grief.”

Faith nodded and went to the wagon. What could she say? There had to be more to this than just his grief, or he would welcome her comfort. Something else was going on, but what? Regardless, he had rejected her, and that rejection hurt her to the core. She cried herself to sleep again but not from thoughts of sweet little Rudy. She cried for the loss of Jacob. She realized her hopes and dreams lay in his shadow, so he could easily crush them beneath his feet. She hated the uncertainty she felt.

 

They’d been seeing signs of buffalo, especially around the riverbanks where they went to water. Faith heard Obadiah going around telling the men he’d found a few stragglers, which were lost from the main herd a mile to the west. He wanted a group of men to saddle up and join him.

“Jacob sent me to drive his wagon until he gets back,” Lester said as he climbed up into the wagon. Apparently, the thin man planned to ride instead of walk.

Jacob hadn’t told Faith he was going on the hunt. He said little to her and stayed away from the wagon whenever possible. He didn’t even come out of his tent in the mornings to have devotion with her now, and, when he said grace, he prayed one or two short sentences. She felt low and heavy, like a sad loaf of bread that wouldn’t rise.

Lord, protect Jacob today and ease whatever is wrong with him—with us. Repair our relationship and restore my loving, caring husband, I pray. If I’ve done anything wrong, if I need to do something differently, please show me. My heart is breaking. Look on me kindly in Thy great love and mercy and help me I pray, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The days were even longer and more monotonous now. The prairie appeared endless in its sameness, as it stretched out before them. Time seemed to either stand still or trickle backwards.

Faith had prayed almost constantly since Rudy had died. If she couldn’t read her favorite Psalms over and over again, she said memory verses in her mind, but they weren’t soothing her like usual. She had to keep reminding herself God was in control. He would never leave her, and He would see her through no matter what.

Maybe the lesson in all this told her to rely on God and no one else. She’d thought she’d learned that lesson well in the last nine years, but then Jacob had come into her life. She had grown to rely on him for much more than his help and protection on the trail. At last, she had someone to talk with, to appreciate her, to love, and to love her in return—or so she’d thought. Was it all a facade, a lie, a cruel joke?

She knew the Lord was sufficient, but didn’t He design man and woman to need each other? Isn’t that why He created Eve—to be Adam’s companion? She’d had a small taste of how wonderful being Jacob’s wife could be. Please don’t take that away now, Lord. It’s so much harder to go back to my old life now that I know. Why did He let her see what could be, only to pull it back again? “I don’t understand, Lord. Show me Thy way and will in all this.”

“Talking to your mules now?” Lena said with a smile as she walked up. “I saw Jacob leave with the hunt, and I thought you might use some company.”

Faith had better not say too much. They had to talk loudly to be heard over the wagon noises.

“Yes, he sent Less to drive his wagon. If I’d known he planned to go, I’d have packed him a nooning.”

“He didn’t tell you?”

Faith shook her head. She hoped she didn’t have to explain.

“Well, I’ll be. That doesn’t sound like Jacob at all, but I’ve thought something’s been bothering him. I guess it’s hard to get over two deaths in such a short time like that.”

Faith nodded, but she wanted to say she could help Jacob if he’d let her.

The hunters came back for supper. They’d managed to kill only one buffalo. It had been hard to get close enough to the stragglers, and the beasts were much faster than they looked. Faith learned all this from overhearing Harlan and some of the other men talking. Jacob said nothing about it, but he had brought her a hunk of meat, and they could use the fresh meat.

Faith’s fear and worry grew larger with every passing day. She tried to give it to God, but it would keep returning, especially as time passed and Jacob showed no signs of changing.

 

The wagon train had to keep crossing rivers and their tributaries. The easiest crossings were where they could ford through shallow water or had a ferry, but sometimes there were neither.

They came to a crossing too deep to wade across but with no ferry, so they had to empty out the wagons, patch and tar the cracks, and float the wagons across. At least Jacob and Faith had already sorted through their wagons and discarded some of their belongings.

They didn’t have the cook stoves or heavy pieces of furniture some of the others hauled either. Some of those heavy pieces would be left right here beside the river. Others would probably be left behind before they got over the high mountains.

Faith watched Jacob for a few minutes and then began to help. She could work almost as fast as he did, and her hands made the process much faster. They spent all Thursday preparing the wagons. Friday they began floating them across.

 

Faith couldn’t swim. There hadn’t been a stream deep enough for her to use near their cabin in Kentucky. They had only shallow creeks for wading.

The river looked awfully deep here, but Faith felt almost numb to the danger. She had so much on her mind, she’d let God take care of this. She wished she could give all her worries to Him, and she tried, but she kept picking up her troubles with Jacob again. Her mind couldn’t stay away from them or him.

She stared at the raging river. It reminded her of her relationship with Jacob—uncertain.

Some of the men on horseback took the livestock across first. These animals had to swim across. They had a hard time getting the animals started, but once the first one went, the others followed.

Faith watched the first wagons float across. The covers were taken off to make it easier to guide. Extra men boarded and helped those with small families. Then, they would use a horse or mule to get back to the other side. A few of them swam back across, but not many.

They launched the wagon above where they needed to land, because the current would drift them downstream. When their turn came to go, Jacob seemed nervous, but he said nothing.

“God will see us through,” Faith said to him just before the men pushed the wagon in. His face relaxed a little, but he didn’t reply.

Once they were launched and into the river, it didn’t seem nearly as scary as she’d anticipated. They crossed without difficulty, and Faith thought it would have been fun if she could’ve shared it with the other Jacob, the one who’d seemed to like her.

Jacob left her there and rode his horse back to get her old wagon. She felt trepidation when she saw him push off. What if the swift current swept him and the horse downstream? What if the rickety wagon fell apart in the raging waters? What would she do then?

What is wrong with you Faith Allen . . . eh . . . Parker? Where is your faith, your trust? You know it’s all in God’s hands, so why are you fretting? You know better than this!

Jacob got caught in a strong current, and the wagon tilted. Faith held her breath, but it righted again, and Jacob made it across only a little farther downstream. Now if they could just keep their marriage from upturning or drifting off-course.

 

 

Jacob glanced at Faith as he pulled the wagon where it needed to be and got down. She hadn’t seemed at all concerned when they were in the middle of the deep river in a vessel designed for land travel. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost think she enjoyed this. What an adventurer! He admired her greatly. He turned his head away, stared at the river, and concentrated on stifling his thoughts. Admiring her would take his mind to places he needed to avoid. He wanted to make sure she stayed safe, because he didn’t think he could handle it right now if something happened to Faith. God might as well take him, too. He hoped his mother had been right when she said God didn’t give us more than we could handle, because he knew he couldn’t handle losing Faith right now.

Staying away from Faith had turned into the hardest thing he’d ever tried to do. He thought it would get easier with time, but it didn’t. Time gave him more opportunity to think about how great Faith was and how despicable Lucille had treated him.

Sometimes the antithetical sides almost converged, and he felt he could never trust another woman again, not even Faith. He had never been so confused, but the more he thought, the more confused he became. He almost felt numb from the pain and grief of it all.

He barely slept, either, but he usually stayed in the tent. He didn’t want to chance having Faith come out in the night and have to deal with that temptation. Lord, help me to do what’s right.

 

“You’re not eating enough, Jacob,” Faith said one morning at breakfast. “Tell me what to fix and I’ll do my best to make it something you’ll like.”

“I like all your cooking just fine. It’s not your fault that I don’t have an appetite.”

He tried to eat a little better, but each bite seemed to grow in his mouth and multiply in his stomach. How long could he go on like this?

He’d found himself too grounded in his faith to turn away from God, but something had pulled him farther away, and he felt more separated from the Lord. He didn’t feel as close to anything anymore. Was he doing something wrong? He just wanted to protect Faith, and that had to be the right thing to do.

The trees had long disappeared. The women and children gathered buffalo chips to build their fires. The dry ones had very little odor, and, the best Jacob could tell, the grass particles in the dung caused them to burn well and provide fuel.

Jacob had burned the wood in Lucille’s two extra trunks already. His heart still wrenched when he thought of her. How could she have been so dishonest and treated the man she’d married so badly? The hurt stabbed at his heart every time he thought of it. How could it feel in shreds and still grow in love for Faith? Would pulling her close help him to heal? No! He couldn’t think of himself first. He wanted to put God first and Faith a close second. He would not put his desires above her wellbeing.

 

They had a thunderstorm, but no rain came. The sky put on a dark shroud, roared with grief, and lashed out with bolts of lightning, but no tears fell. The stock grew restless, and Marshall sent out more guards. He asked Jacob to go, too.

He saddled his horse and rode the perimeter of the animals. He moved slowly and hummed to try to keep the animals and himself calm, but they were nervous. The light had dimmed, more because of the storm than the setting sun, but he could still see.

He heard the growing rumble before he could see anything. It seemed to sweep across the prairie, but it remained constant and grew louder, certainly not thunder. Everything seemed to stand still to determine what the strange, rhythmic noise could be.

At first, Jacob saw a dark blob moving in the distance, but it covered the entire horizon to the west. Then it became obvious the flowing mass was made up of individual dots. The dots became larger. Buffalo. A buffalo stampede!

They needed to have the livestock in the corral of wagons, but they didn’t have time to get them there now. The stampeding herd seemed to be headed straight for the wagons.

“Let’s drive these as close to the wagons as we can,” Jacob shouted.

He needed to get close to Faith and make sure she remained safe. He sure hoped she hadn’t walked away from the wagon. What if she became trapped in the stampede? He prayed a quick prayer as he rode.

The cattle and oxen moved toward the wagons easily, but the horses and the mules had other ideas. Jacob decided the animals weren’t nearly as important as the people.

“Some of us need to drive the cattle on up,” he shouted, “while others try to round up the horses and mules.”

He rode behind the cattle and didn’t look to see who followed or stayed. He just looked for Faith.

Because of the way the wagons had circled, they couldn’t take the animals toward Jacob’s wagons and keep them back, away from the stampede. His wagon sat on the side extending the farthest into the path of the stampeding beasts. He hurried the cattle toward the back side of the circle, which put them between the wagons and the river.

He looked to see three other men following him. “Can you hold them close to the wagons here? Don’t give them the opportunity to get scared and run in another direction. I’m going to see to my wife.”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

He quickly circumvented half the train. He dismounted at the tongue of his wagon and led his horse over it.

Faith stood behind the tongue of her wagon watching the buffalo come. His heart danced at the sight of her safely standing there. But the great tide of animals seemed to be rushing straight for them. The wagons had started shaking, as if an earthquake had struck, and Jacob could feel the vibration through his boots.

“Come,” Jacob said to his wife and put out his hand. She took it, and he pulled her to the center of the wide circle. It was the first time he’d touched her in a good while, and he felt sensations all over his body. Just holding her hand brought back memories of their night together.

“Is it dangerous?” Faith asked.

“I hope not, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”

The beasts had almost reached the wagons when they turned and avoided contact with the white, canvas-covered tubs. Disaster had been averted.

He dropped her hand immediately. He hadn’t meant to keep holding it.

She looked at him as if she wanted to ask a question, but then disappointment took over. “Thank you,” she said and walked back to their wagon with her head down.

Jacob mounted his horse and went to see about the livestock. Why did he suddenly feel like he’d let her down? He’d made sure she was safe, hadn’t he?

All the cattle were safe, but some of the horses and mules had run off. Faith’s mules were among them.

“We need to retrieve the stock quickly before the Indians find them,” Marshall said.

A group of about a dozen men saddled up. Jacob volunteered to go, too.

“Let me go tell Lena where I’m going, and I’ll join you,” Harlan said.

“Tell Faith for me, too, if you don’t mind.”

“Will do.” Harlan threw his hand in the air in further acknowledgment as he walked away with his back toward Jacob.

They found about half the missing stock. Faith’s mules weren’t among them. It might be just as well. Jacob didn’t think they would make it much farther anyway. Even resting every third day, they appeared spent.

He didn’t like the thoughts of using all his oxen every day, however. At least he already had the extra yokes.

Maybe he and Faith should consolidate their goods into the one wagon. With them already using up quite a bit of the foodstuff, it would be possible, but that would mean being in closer contact with Faith every day. He’d need to give that some more thought before deciding.

 

Faith had supper waiting for him when he got back. She had everything laid out and the fire going.

“You should have gone ahead and eaten without me,” he told her.

“Neither one of us has been eating much lately, so I decided to cook a simple supper.”

She fried corn cakes and served a fried egg on top of them. Jacob had never eaten them quite like this, but they were good. He ate two, more than he’d eaten lately, and Faith looked pleased.

“If I’ve done something wrong, Jacob, please tell me. I want to be a good wife, but you’re making it hard.”

“Oh, it’s not you, Faith. It’s me. There’ve been too many deaths in such a short span, and I just need some time. Can you be patient with me?”

“It would be easier if you didn’t shut me out and try to stay away as much as possible. I’m here for you. I want to help. Let me comfort you.”

“I just need some time to sort through things right now.”

She looked even more worried. “Are you trying to decide what to do about me?”

What in the world did she mean by that? Maybe, in a way, he was. He wanted to keep her healthy and safe. Was she considering leaving? Surely not.

“Don’t push me, Faith. Just be patient and give me some time.” He tried to soften his tone, so he didn’t sound sharp, but he could tell the words still wounded her.

 

The next day they passed two dead bodies of men with arrows standing in their chests pinning them to the ground. They’d been dead long enough for their bodies to swell and blacken. It appeared they’d been tortured and possibly mutilated.

“They probably did something stupid to infuriate the Indians,” Marshall said. “The natives left the bodies here as a warning. I don’t think we have much to worry about. There haven’t been many Indian problems recently, not like there were for the first settlers, but we’ll be more vigilant anyway.”

Faith had to walk right by the site, and Jacob saw her look at the grotesque scene and then quickly look away. He wished he could spare her or at least comfort her. He saw her bow her head slightly, and he knew she was praying.

He used to love to watch her as they walked. Now, it brought agony, because it made him want her even more. He tried to look elsewhere, but, with her right in front of him, that didn’t always work. He reminded himself over and over again it needed to be this way. She didn’t need to be with child as hard as this journey had become.

“Aren’t we going to bury them?” he asked Obadiah as the older man rode by.

The scout shook his head. “They’re so fer gone, that no one wants that job, and hit’s better to leave well enough alone. We don’t want to rile up the Injuns, and hit won’t do them men no good now. No, hit’s best we keep a movin’.”

 

The plains held plenty of wildlife. Jacob liked the taste of antelope even better than the buffalo. Jackrabbits were also plentiful, and wild turkeys and sage hens gave a welcomed change. Other animals included prairie dogs, owls, rattlesnakes, lizards, and coyotes, but these didn’t provide food.

The men had concentrated on hunting buffalo, and there were plenty of them. They could have shot more than they did, but it would be better to take only what they could cook or dry into jerky before it spoiled. They could hunt again when needed.

The bison herds were easy to locate when they were moving fast. They stirred up enormous dirt clouds.

Jacob loved to go on the hunts. Somehow, when he rode fast trying to bring down a mighty beast, he could leave his troubles and focus on the immediate task, and he experienced a brief moment of peace.