Chapter Thirteen

QUICKSAND

THERE WERE STRETCHES OF THE Platte with dangerous quicksand made worse by the fact that it looked harmless. On the Loup Fork of the Platte, Faith watched the men fasten the wagons together with chains and ropes due to the quicksand.

She heard Harlan explain to Lena that this would keep any one wagon from sinking. The wagons in front would help to pull the one behind out of trouble.

Obadiah rode in front, taking care to find a safe route for the lead wagon. She and Jacob were sitting in their wagons to drive them through this. She wished he were in front of her, but she knew he would be following, even if she couldn’t see him.

In fact, she wished his wagon always moved in front of hers. Then, she could watch him as he walked along beside the team. She still didn’t get to see enough of him. He stayed away from the wagon, as much as he could, and, even when he came near, his mind seemed far away from her. She thought things might be getting a little better between them, but she didn’t know for sure. He didn’t seem quite as angry, but he hadn’t returned to being cordial, either. She worried he didn’t want her anymore.

Faith hated all this guesswork. She’d much prefer they told each other what they thought, even if it turned out to be bad. At least that would be honest, but, for some reason, Jacob had no inclination to talk honestly. He had chosen to be sullen and quiet.

Every now and then, he would do something to give her a glimmer of hope. She could almost believe the warm, friendly Jacob still existed somewhere deep inside this new one. She just hoped he would dig himself out soon.

She felt a jolt to her wagon. Had she been daydreaming and got into a quicksand bog?

“Faith, hold your wagon steady and have your team pull hard,” she heard Obadiah yell. “Jacob’s slid into some quicksand.”

Oh, no! Jacob! The cold, stiff fingers of fear clawed at her heart, but she forced herself to concentrate on what she needed to do, instead of letting panic take control. Harlan drove the wagon in front of her, and he had his team pulling hard, too. She wished she could see behind her. Jacob was a good driver, so surely he would get the wagon out.

She finally felt her wagon give a lunge forward, and she knew his wagon had pulled out of the quagmire. She started to slow for a moment, so she could look back.

“Keep ’em movin’,” Obadiah shouted. “Don’t stop now.”

Faith obeyed orders, but she wished she could find out how Jacob fared. Finally, they cleared the marshy area and stopped the teams for the men to unhook the ropes and chains.

Faith jumped down and ran back to Jacob. Without thinking, she rushed into his arms. At first, he gripped her tightly, but then he pulled back and let her go. “That was some good driving you did,” he said. “Thank you for pulling me out.”

She nodded and walked back to her wagon. At one time he’d have told her he was proud of her. At one time he’d have held her like he never wanted to let her go, instead of pushing her away. Salty tears stung her eyes, but she swallowed hard and pulled them back.

The dust covered everything. Nothing escaped it, and Faith felt as if it even penetrated her heart.

Without Jacob to talk with, the monotony of the landscape grew worse and worse. She needed to talk to someone, so she planned to visit Lena at her first opportunity. That shouldn’t be hard. Jacob didn’t hang around the wagons any more than he had to, and he got one of the Agner brothers to drive so that he could go on hunts as often as possible.

At least they were having plenty of fresh meat. When she could, she marinated the meat in vinegar water overnight. It made the buffalo steaks tender and took out the strong grassy taste. She also sliced it into thin strips and strung it on the wagon to dry into jerky. It didn’t take long in this blazing sun.

Of course, the dried pieces of meat caked in dust, too, but she would rinse and soak what she cooked. She planned to use some of the jerky in stews. She knew they’d occasionally dried meat in Kentucky when they weren’t able to cure it. She’d made stews from the dried venison, but she’d had to cook it longer.

How she wished Jacob still enjoyed her meals. He still always thanked her, but he ate a fraction of what he once did, and it showed. He had grown thinner, and she worried about his health.

She wished, even more, he would enjoy being with her again. She’d been granted a few days of warm conversations and one night of Jacob’s lovemaking, enough for her to know what she missed now. She’d thought he’d enjoyed that night, too. Had she been wrong? Had she done something wrong? She was too inexperienced to know.

She knew he used to enjoy just being around her. What had happened? What were his thoughts? Why didn’t he tell her what had happened? The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I’ll bless Thy name, Lord, regardless, but please don’t let Jacob stay estranged. Faith had always turned to the Lord for companionship and comfort. That’s what she would do now. He would never turn from her or reject her. He always waited for her with open arms anytime she needed Him. Yes, “blessed be the name of the Lord.”

She didn’t go to visit Lena. Lena came and got her.

“Harlan has gone off with some of the men, and I thought you might come and keep me company.”

Faith picked up her sewing basket and followed Lena. She might as well get some mending done while they sat and talked.

“You and Jacob have been looking right peaked and unhappy lately. What’s wrong, dear?” Lena came right to the point.

“I wish I knew. Ever since Rudy died, he’s treated me like the enemy. He stays away as much as he can, and when he’s about, he doesn’t talk any more than he has to.”

“Well, he has lost a wife and a son on this trip.”

“But, it’s more than that. I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s something that has to do with me. I’ve even thought maybe he doesn’t need me anymore, now that Rudy’s gone.”

“No, I’m sure that’s not the case. I’d say something’s eating away at him, though. Have you tried to get him to talk to you about it?”

“You know I have. He just tells me to be patient, give him more time, and not to push him.”

Tears started rolling down her cheeks. She tried to hold them back but couldn’t. “I’m afraid I’ve lost him, Lena. Whoever said, ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ was wrong. If I had never known Jacob, I wouldn’t know what I’m missing.”

“You love him then?”

“I do. God help me, but I do.”

“Don’t concede defeat yet, child. He’s still here on this wagon train, as are you, and you’re still married to him. I’m sure he needs someone to talk with and to give him some good advice, and I’m just the person. Harlan says no one has more advice than me.”

 

Faith went to the flap of Jacob’s tent that night. She’d seen him go in there, and he’d been avoiding her all day.

“Jacob, could I please talk to you for a minute?”

“I’m tired now, Faith. Can’t it wait?”

“No, it can’t. If you don’t want to come out here, I’ll come in there.”

He came out immediately. He must have still been fully dressed. She went toward a stool and he followed.

“Jacob, right after we were married you told me you took our wedding vows very seriously, especially since they were pledged before God. You also said you didn’t plan to keep any secrets between us, and you wanted to be the husband I’d always dreamed of. You even told me you wanted our love to grow. I don’t think you are doing any of those things now. Can’t we at least go back to being friends? I miss our conversations and sharing things with you.”

She saw him hesitate, and his eyes softened when they looked at her. She hoped she’d finally gotten through to him, but he clenched his jaw and looked away.

“I thought I’d explained. Can’t you give me time to get over my losses.”

“How much time is it going to take? The rest of our lives? I could give you time if it didn’t have to be apart from me. Are you trying to lose me, too? Is that what you want?”

She knew her eyes were watery, but she managed to hold back the tears and keep her voice from cracking. God, please let him understand, and please let him care.

“No, I don’t want to lose you. That’s exactly what I’m doing, trying not to lose you.”

He said it quietly, as if he didn’t want to say it at all, but his voice had filled with emotion. Yet, he still didn’t look at her.

“I don’t understand. Please explain what you mean by that.”

He shook his head. “Look, just let me sort through some things. We’ll talk again soon.”

He looked at her then, and he must’ve seen a look of disbelief on her face. “If you’d like, we’ll schedule a time. We’ll talk Sunday after the noon meal.”

“Okay Sunday, then.”

Jacob hadn’t slept any that night. Faith knew this, because she’d been awake all night, too, and she’d heard him throughout the night. He had his lantern burning part of the time, and he moved around in his tent part of the time. He looked tired this morning.

After breakfast, he walked toward the Haywoods’ wagon. She said a prayer that Lena would have a chance to talk with him.

 

 

Jacob had to talk with someone. Faith had been right. He hadn’t lived up to his wedding vows or the things he’d promised her, and this bothered him. If a man didn’t live up to his word, he wasn’t much of a man.

He trusted Lena, but he feared he might not want to hear what she had to say. He hoped she’d have breakfast over with and there’d be time to talk before they had to pull out. He knew she also liked Faith, but he felt she would hold his confidence and not tell Faith what he said. Lena had become a good friend to them both.

She had just thrown out her dishwater when he walked up. She looked happy to see him.

“Where’s Harlan?” he asked, and her face fell. “I had hoped to talk to you in private.”

Her face lit up again. “Well, come over and have a seat. We should have time. Mr. Marshall said we’ll be delayed a bit this morning. We’ve got more cholera, but we’re so behind schedule. He’s going to leave the sick wagons behind. When they can travel, they’ll try to catch up.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I hope they recover quickly. I forgot all about the council meeting last night, so I didn’t know.”

“Now, what did you want to talk about?”

Where to start? He told her about Lucille’s deceit first.

“Sounds to me you might be feeling a mite sorry for yourself. Remember you’re only a victim if you choose to think you’re a victim.”

Jacob jerked his head up. He’d expected a bit more sympathy here.

“So, Rudy wasn’t really your son, and she hoodwinked you into marrying her? I guess you’ve had a weight on your shoulders. That’s for sure.”

“No, Rudy had been fathered by another man, but I was a father to him. Still, the situation did hit me hard, and, on top of all that, she still held the cad in high regard. I don’t think she would’ve ever wanted me.”

“If you aren’t still mourning Lucille, then why have I noticed you being so cold with Faith? When things get so bad you can’t see a bright side, you need to polish something to make it shine. Faith would polish up nicely. In fact, if you ask me, she’s already a bright spot in your life.”

“I didn’t know it had become that obvious that I’ve stepped back from Faith. You know Lucille died in childbirth. Well, I want to make certain the same thing doesn’t happen to Faith.”

“Are you never going to have children then?”

“I do want to have children eventually, but not until we’re settled in Oregon.”

“And you’ve decided all of this without a word to Faith. Of all the idiotic notions! Do you know you’re rejecting Faith the very way Lucille rejected you? The reasons are different, but the result’s the same.”

“I can’t stand the thought of losing her. I can’t take the chance of putting her at risk.”

“What’s wrong with you, son? You got your mind so twisted and snarled it’s going to be quite a chore to get it untangled. First of all, why are you trying to play God and manage people’s lives? If God wanted to take Faith home, do you think anything you might do would change that? You need to seize every moment as the gift it is, because we never know how many we’ll have. Life itself is a risk. We’re all going to die sometime, and that includes Faith.”

She paused and gave him time to absorb what she’d said and then continued. “If you get to Oregon, and something happens to Faith, what have you got? What memories are you making? You need to take your wife and love her, enjoy her, and let her love and enjoy you. What if something happens to you? What have you given her? How will she remember you?”

“I never thought of it like that.”

“You need to wake up and do your best to live every day to the fullest. Don’t waste a single one, and that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. None of us are given enough to waste. If you keep holding on to past hurts, you’ll miss out on your future. I’ve always thought you were more mature than you’re acting right now. If you’re a Christian, where’s your faith and trust? The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God won’t protect you.”

What Lena said did make sense. Listening to her, Jacob wondered what he’d been thinking, too.

“What should I do now?”

“Go to your wife and share everything with her. Tell her about Lucille and what happened there, inform her how your thinking had become skewed, apologize to her, and let her know exactly how you feel about her. You’ve tried to box up your feelings and store them away from even your wife. It’s time you brought them out and shared them. You can’t keep a lid on something like that forever. It’ll taint everything you do.”

“Do you think she’ll understand?”

“I think she wants to understand more’n anything. I don’t think you realize how hard Faith has had it. Since she was ten years old, she’s never had anyone to talk with. Her aunt and uncle just kept her for the work they could get out of her. She was just a little girl, and they never kissed her or hugged her, never tucked her into bed at night, never told her they appreciated her, never showed her any caring or love. They kept her close and guarded her carefully, because they were afraid she might run off like her mama did, and they’d lose their workhorse. That girl desperately needs some love and attention. She needs a husband who’ll cherish her and share his innermost being with her. She thought she had that in you, and then you ripped it all from her. We’ll never know how deeply you’ve hurt her.”

“I’ve been treating her as unimportant, just like they did, haven’t I? It’s not the way I feel about her, but I haven’t let her know that.”

“Now you’re beginning to get your mind straight. You can fix this mess and repair your relationship with Faith. More than anything, right now, she’s hoping and praying you’ll want to fix it—that you want her.”

“I’ve told her we’d talk Sunday. I’ll lay everything out in the open then and tell her how much I care for her. I’ll take your advice and make things right.”

Lena gave a brisk nod. “Now, that’s more like it. I have just one more thought I want to leave with you. I think you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve pulled away from Faith to protect her from getting in a family way, but I don’t think that’s the whole reason. I think you’re afraid to get too close to her, because you’re afraid of losing her and getting hurt again. I think you’re also trying to protect your own heart.”

Lena had certainly given Jacob a lot to think about, and she’d been right. He had hurt Faith by loving her once and then abandoning her. He’d stopped doing anything with her or for her. He’d done them both a disservice, because they should be enjoying each other right now.