Chapter Fourteen

STRAIGHTENING

THEY’D STARTED LATER THAN USUAL this morning. Jacob came back from Lena’s wagon and said the wagon master had decided to leave six wagons behind. Each family had one or more people too sick to move, and the train had already fallen way behind schedule.

Faith hated the thought of discarding people. She considered staying behind herself and helping to tend the sick, but something had changed in Jacob again. She didn’t know in what way, but she hoped things would improve.

He looked directly at her for a change, as if he were searching her inside and out. His countenance and stance didn’t look as rigid either. Maybe she just saw what she wanted to see, but maybe, just maybe, he’d talked with Lena, and it had made a difference.

Jacob didn’t eat any more than usual at the nooning, but they’d just had cold corn cakes and bacon. It had been too hot to build a fire, and it seemed senseless for no more than they ate. She’d already reduced what she used to cook for them by over half, and they still had leftovers.

 

“It’s been too long since we’ve had a get-together,” she heard John Brenner say to Jacob, “so we’ve decided to hold that wedding celebration we’ve been planning to give you. It’ll be Saturday night. We should be to Courthouse Rock by then. You just bring yourself and your little wife, and we’ll provide the food and music.”

Jacob mumbled something under his breath. It almost sounded as if he said he wished he could’ve had the long talk with Faith before they had their wedding celebration, or it could be just her own wishful thinking again.

 

Four of the wagons turned east the next morning. They’d had enough of the unrelenting sun, never-seeming-to-end prairie, saturating dust, dirty water, threat of Indians, critical sicknesses, swarms of insects, dangerous river crossings, raging storms, dwindling food supplies, and monotonous walking. It made one tired just thinking of it.

“Do you want us to turn back with them?” Jacob asked Faith.

She looked at him carefully. She wished she knew what he wanted. “I have nothing to go back to,” she said. “I have no one.”

His eyes fell. Did he want to go back to Virginia?

She wished she knew what he felt. “If you want to return to the East with them, you can. I’ll go with you if that’s what you want, or I can stay here and drive my wagon on west if you think that would be better.”

Jacob looked up with surprise. “No, we’ll continue to Oregon Territory if it makes no difference with you. I think that holds better promise for me. There’s nothing exciting about going backwards to where you’ve already been. After all, God did make our toes to point out in front of us and not behind.”

He gave Faith a faint smile, but it never reached the rest of his face. The fact he’d said “better promise for “me” and not “us” wasn’t lost on Faith.

 

Jacob had to pull guard duty again that night. Faith always hated it when he had to be gone like that. She still had nightmares of the drunk coming into her wagon that night. She’d hate to think what would have happened if Jacob hadn’t been there. No matter how Jacob treated her, he would still protect her. She knew that, and the buffalo stampede had proved it.

She also feared something might happen to Jacob when he pulled guard duty. The Indians always threatened to steal the horses. She couldn’t stand the thought of him with arrows nailing him to the earth.

But the other men here could be about as dangerous. Some of them were unskilled with firearms, and guns were always going off accidentally. Why, just this week, a man had been picking up his gun when it went off and shot his own son in the shoulder. A few more inches and it would have hit the boy’s heart. What if another guard accidentally shot Jacob? They all carried weapons.

“Stop!” she told herself. Satan caused such negative what-ifs, and she didn’t want to listen. There would always be disastrous possibilities, but it would do no good to dwell on them. She would trust God, as she’d always done . . . whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.

 

With the exception of the dress Lena had given her for her wedding and the silk she’d saved from Lucille’s trunk, Faith put on the prettiest dress she had for the celebration. It looked entirely too fancy for a wagon train celebration, but she wanted to look her best for Jacob and hoped he’d notice. The fawn-colored polished cotton dress with ivory lace matched her coloring and made her hair look brighter.

It had been one of Lucille’s more practical dresses. From sorting through her things, Faith could tell Lucille had been the high-society, Southern belle. Faith hesitated to wear any of Jacob’s first wife’s clothing, but, her own two dresses had become so threadbare, she’d had little choice. Jacob didn’t seem to recognize any of Lucille’s, however. Of course, he hadn’t looked at Faith much lately, either.

“You look lovely,” he told her as he helped her from the wagon, and Faith’s heart began to pump faster.

“I wish we’d been able to have our talk before this wedding celebration,” Jacob told her as they walked to where the others had gathered, “but I have a lot of explaining, and it’s going to take some time.”

“I wish we could have, too.”

“Don’t give up on me, Faith. I’m hoping things will get better.”

That sounded promising. She prayed things would get better for them.

The food looked good and plentiful. Some of the women had even made cakes and pies for dessert. Everyone seemed hungry and wanted to eat first, so that’s what they did.

Mr. Marshall welcomed them all. “Since the Fourth of July came on Thursday this year, the council and I voted to travel on then, because we’re so far behind schedule. I’d hoped to make Independence Rock by the Fourth, but we haven’t. Today, then, we really have two things to celebrate, our country’s independence and Jacob and Faith’s marriage. We’d planned to hold their wedding feast earlier, but too much has been happening. We want to rectify that today. Therefore, we extend our belated congratulations and best wishes. Preacher, would you ask the blessing, so we can eat? We’ll let the newlyweds go first.”

After they ate, Jacob and Faith led off the dancing again. She wished she knew how to dance better because she so liked being in Jacob’s arms. He deftly guided her, however, and they slowly moved about, their bodies swaying to the music in unison.

He pulled her close, and she wondered if he could feel her pulse thumping erratically. This felt so good, so right. She lost herself in the dance and forgot all about the people who were watching. She wanted to stay just like this all night, but the dance ended all too soon.

When Jacob led her from the dance area, he put his hand on her back, and she almost cried with joy. He had intentionally touched her.

They’d no sooner sat down than Iris Bates came over and pulled Jacob to the dance floor. It surprised Faith that the woman had come at all since she’d been the one to accuse Faith of stealing her brooch. Why did she want to celebrate Faith’s wedding, and, more to the point, why did she want to dance with Faith’s husband? Is this the way she planned to cause trouble now? Lena had mentioned that Iris had been as close a friend of Lucille’s as anyone on the trip.

The pretty widow had flaming red hair and wore flashy clothes. Her elderly husband had died early in their trip. Rumor had it he’d been a wealthy widower when he’d married the much younger woman. Trying to make more money quickly for his new wife, he’d lost everything with bad investments, and she’d talked him into going to California to strike it rich.

Tonight Iris wore a dress that clung to her voluptuous curves and the neckline cut so low Faith feared she might spill out of it at any minute, especially since the band had started to play a faster reel. Still pulling Jacob along, however, Iris went up to the band, and they changed to a slower song.

Faith gritted her teeth as Iris pressed herself against Jacob. Faith saw Jacob step back and try to keep some distance between them, but Iris would have none of that. She glued herself to him. They did make a handsome couple as they waltzed around with dance steps Faith could never attempt.

When the dance ended, Iris stood on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on Jacob’s cheek, which meant her protruding parts rubbed against him. How brazen!

Iris must have asked for another dance, for Jacob shook his head vigorously and came back toward Faith. Faith looked away as he approached.

“I’m sorry about that, Faith,” he said. “I should have refused her, but she pulled me up before I had time to think. I didn’t want to make a scene, but I almost wish I had come back here, anyway. That won’t happen again. Would you like to dance now?”

She shook her head. The musicians were playing another reel now, and she wouldn’t know how.

“I’m going to get some cider,” he told her. “Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head again. She didn’t trust her voice right now, and her silly eyes were beginning to water. She might be making too much of what happened, but she couldn’t stop the hurt she felt, although she couldn’t say that Jacob had been at fault.

Jacob didn’t come right back. She looked over, and he had started to talk with Mr. Marshall.

Lena came up. “I had that straight talk with Jacob. I think he’ll be more forthcoming with you now. He’s planning to tell you everything, and there’s a lot to tell.”

Faith wanted to ask her friend some questions, but not here. Did Jacob plan to leave her when they got to Oregon? If he did, what would she do? Would she be able to survive on her own? Maybe some other man would want to marry her, but she didn’t want another man. Besides, she knew nothing about divorce, and she wouldn’t want to ever remarry even if she did.

“I don’t know what to think of Iris Bates,” Lena said, shaking her head. “I’m afraid she’s looking for trouble, and the person who looks for it will always find it. She needs to understand partaking in forbidden fruits under heated conditions has cooked up many a jam.”

Faith recognized the humor in Lena’s pun, but she didn’t smile. She had a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach.

When Lena left, Faith couldn’t see Jacob anywhere, and the same could be said for Iris. Thinking the worst, Faith went back to the wagon. She would sleep in her old wagon tonight. She moved some things around and made a pallet. She’d just gotten settled when Jacob called. At first, she said nothing, but when he sounded frantic, she answered him. He opened the back flap.

“Why did you leave? Are you sick?”

“I didn’t feel well.” That was the truth.

“I wanted to dance with you again, and I didn’t know where you were.”

“I couldn’t find you to tell you I was leaving.”

“John Brenner wanted to show me some items he’d traded for with the Indians. I didn’t stay gone long.”

She wanted to ask if Iris had followed him, but she didn’t want him to be angry with her for not trusting him. Actually, she trusted Jacob more than she trusted Iris, although he was a still a man.

“Why are you in this wagon instead of the other one?”

“I don’t know. I guess it seemed more like mine.”

“Oh, Faith. Don’t turn from me now. What’s mine is yours. In fact, I’d like to put all our things in the one wagon before much longer.”

That sounded hopeful. Maybe she’d assumed the worst without reason.

 

Her hopes fell. He’d decided to use the one wagon out of necessity, not because he wanted to be close to her.

“Please come back over here. I’ve already pitched my tent, and I want you close in case something happens. Besides, I’ve got something I want to give you.”

She got up and dressed. She wished she had Lucille’s wrapper to put on, but it was in the other wagon.

Jacob climbed into the other wagon after her. What was he doing? Was he planning to join her? Her heart felt like it had begun a fast reel of its own.

He went to the trunk that held his things. He reached down the inside and pulled out Lucille’s diary and two letters.

“Faith, I didn’t have much of a marriage the first time. Lucille could barely stand for me to touch her. I want you to read these. They’ll explain it all and let you know some of what I’ve been going through since I read these. This will make our conversation tomorrow less lengthy.”

He handed her the things and hesitated. She took them, and then looked up to see him still standing there. He kissed her cheek.

“Until tomorrow, then, good night.”

Faith knew she shouldn’t burn the lantern any more than absolutely necessary, so she went out and rekindled the fire. Buffalo chips were still plentiful.

She planned to sit beside the firelight and carefully read what Jacob had given her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep until she knew what the diary contained, and this presented the opportunity to understand her husband better. She read the journal first and the revelations there stunned her.

Her heart went out to Jacob. He’d married Lucille to save her reputation, and she’d been carrying another man’s baby. She and her family had devised the plan to trap Jacob.

It was all here—the love she’d felt for this Rudolph, his rejection, what she did to ensnare Jacob, how she hated his touch, and how she feared he’d discover she was pregnant too soon for him to think the baby belonged to him. The two letters from Rudolph just confirmed what the diary said.

Faith didn’t know a lot about people and relationships since she’d lived such a secluded life, but even she could see Rudolph had never loved Lucille. He had toyed with her and used her for his own base purposes.

She could almost feel sorry for Lucille, but the woman had made poor choices. She’d never recognized the treasure she had in Jacob. He was so much better a man than Rudolph had ever been. Even as Lucille remained cold, Jacob had apparently done his best to make things work. How much had he loved Lucille? Had she completely broken his heart?

Faith wiped the tears from her eyes. This was worse than any Shakespearean tragedy. How hurt and deceived Jacob must feel. Did he think all women were like this? Did he think Faith would play him foul?

This did explain some of the pain he’d been suffering, but it didn’t explain how he’d been treating Faith. Surely he hadn’t tried to punish her for Lucille’s sins.

Well, Jacob might tell her what she wanted to know tomorrow— actually today now.

She went into the wagon to lie down, but she couldn’t sleep. Finally, she gave free rein to her tears and cried for Jacob.

 

Faith must have dozed, because, when she woke up, she could hear Jacob restarting the fire. She got up, quickly dressed, and went out to put on the coffee.

Jacob looked into her eyes, and hers started to tear up again. She looked down.

“Do you hate me?” he asked. “I know you were up reading Lucille’s diary last night, because I saw the firelight.”

“Why would I hate you?” she managed to get out, but her voice trembled. She held in too much emotion.

“I was pretty stupid to be suckered like that. Perhaps the man who is won by false pretenses deserves what he gets. I was too trusting. I know better now.”

Did that mean he didn’t trust her either? This had become such a complicated mess, and she just didn’t know what to think anymore. “I could never hate you, Jacob.”

He relaxed some then. “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

“That sounds like Shakespeare, but I know it’s not.”

“No, it’s Sir Walter Scott. Would you like to have our talk after breakfast? I want to get it over with.”

What did he plan to say that would be so difficult for him? Did he want to be rid of her and get on with his life? Perhaps, after all that had happened, he wanted to remain single now. It made sense. “I’d like that better,” she said. “How hungry are you?”

“Not very. I think I’m too anxious to eat.”

“I’m not very hungry either, but I do need some coffee.”

“Let’s both have some coffee then, and walk away from the camp afterwards. I want to find a private place to talk, one where we’re not likely to be interrupted.”

“Okay, and, since we’re getting an early start, maybe we can still make the services this morning.”

“I’d like to begin having our morning devotions together again if that’s acceptable to you.”

Faith smiled at him. “Yes, I’d like that.” Maybe he hadn’t planned to rid himself of her after all.

He led her downstream beside the river, and they sat down. Jacob placed his gun to his left side and took her hand in his right.

“Where to begin?” he said. “You read Lucille’s things, so you know that sordid story. I knew something was wrong between us from the moment we were married, but I had no idea what. I never suspected Rudy wasn’t mine, but I should have guessed.”

He squeezed her hand and smiled at her for the first time. “I’m sorry I distanced myself from you. My thoughts got all jumbled up. I thought I wanted to keep you from getting pregnant, so there’d be no chance you might die in childbirth like Lucille did. What a horrible way to go—so much pain and blood.” He paused to get a handle on his emotions. “After our wonderful night together, I had nightmares of that happening to you.”

“You know, I think a woman would be willing to give up life to have her husband love her, to wake up in his arms every morning for as long as she did live. Maybe without that, it’s just existing and not really living at all.”

“I think I’m beginning to agree. I’ve made myself miserable in trying to stay away from you.”

“Why didn’t you explain how you felt to me?”

“I became so confused and everything seemed overwhelming. There’s also the possibility I unknowingly pushed you away because I feared if I got too close, I’d end up losing you and hurting even more this time. I might have been trying to protect my heart from losing a third person. Can you ever forgive me? Whatever my reasons were, what I did was wrong, and I deeply regret how I’ve treated you.”

He must be just feeling sorry for her. He was a good man and wanted to treat everyone right. She couldn’t mean anything special to him. “Of course I forgive you, but where do we go from here?”

“To Oregon Territory together,” he gave a little laugh.

He’d misunderstood her question. Should she explain or just let it go. He had complained before about her trying to push him for answers.

She decided this might be the only chance she’d have to talk to him like this, so she’d better ask all her questions now. She breathed in deeply, as if the air could give her courage.

“I meant what about us. What do you want me to do, Jacob?”

“I’m hoping you still want me for your husband. I’m praying we can pick up from that one wonderful night we spent together and grow our relationship. I love you, Faith.”

Did she hear him right, or did she just imagine it? She looked into his eyes and what she saw took her breath away, but she didn’t trust her own perception of things.

“Did you say you loved me?”

“I did. I love you with all my heart.” He dropped her hand and looked toward the river. “I know it’s too early to expect you to feel the same, but I hope you can come to love me someday.” He looked directly into her eyes. “At least you don’t seem to have an aversion to me like Lucille had. Do I stand a chance with you? I’ll court you, woo you, do anything you want. Just please tell me you might love me one day.”

“Oh, Jacob! I love so much right now. I’ve loved you for a long time. That’s what has made the way you’ve turned from me so hard to bear.”

“I had no idea you had such deep feelings for me. I’m so sorry for hurting you like I did. I hurt myself at the same time, you know. It took every bit of willpower I possessed to stay away from you. That’s why I stayed gone so much. I could never have left you alone if I’d been near you more. You pull me to you, like a giant magnet.”

He took her in his arms and just held her close for a while. She wrapped her arms around him, too. He gave her a gentle kiss, then let her go and stood up.

“If we’re going to make it to preaching, I’d better not kiss you as thoroughly as I’d like to right now. We’ll save that until later today. Do you have any other questions you’d like to ask me now?” he asked as they walked back hand in hand. “Of course you can ask me anything at any time. I want no more secrets and nothing held back.”

“How do you feel about Rudy, now that you know he wasn’t your real son?”

“I loved the little fellow. What his mother did wasn’t his fault. If he’d have lived, I would’ve treated him as my son.”

She loved and respected this man so much. What a Godly man! She felt blessed to be his wife, and she still had a hard time believing he loved her.

“Did you love Lucille very much?”

“I tried to, but it never grew. I think I cared about her, but I don’t think I ever really loved her. Not like a man should love his wife. What I felt for her is nothing compared with what I feel for you. I can’t even begin to explain how dear you are to me. Is there anything else?”

She wanted to ask about Iris, but she still felt it would be better not to mention her. She gave a tentative shake of her head instead.

“Come on. I can tell you’ve thought of something, and we shouldn’t keep things from each other.”

“What about Iris? She seems to want you.”

“Oh, Faith, you have no worries where Iris is concerned. I hated every minute of that dance. Iris is even more forward than Lucille had been when she tried to hook me. Iris is downright embarrassing, and I want nothing to do with her. Even if I wasn’t married and in love with my wonderful wife, she would not be my type. Besides being quite a bit older than me, I would never want anything to do with someone who would flaunt herself like she does. I have more respect for God’s teachings and myself than that.”

I thank Thee, Father, from the bottom of my heart for being true to Thy promises and for giving me my heart’s desire in having this amazing man for my husband. Thou art so good to me. Please don’t let anything distance Jacob from me again. Let our marriage be as it should be, and let us be a Godly couple, steeped in love for Thee and saturated with love for each other. Amen.

 

On the way to the preaching service, John Brenner called Jacob away for a quick council meeting. He said it wouldn’t last but a minute or two.

“You go ahead and find us a spot,” Jacob told her, “and I’ll come as soon as I can.”

Faith headed that way when Iris approached her. “Oh, good, I’ve been looking for you. Can we talk?”

“You can walk with me to the service,” Faith said.

“Oh, I’m not going to the preaching. Step over here with me. What I have to say needs to be said in private.”

Faith reluctantly followed the woman. Jacob might not think too highly of Iris, but Faith instinctively knew the widow wanted him.

“I just wanted to know when Jacob plans to leave you. I mean I know he doesn’t need you now that his baby died, and I assume you don’t want to stay where you’re not wanted. He’s the kind of man who needs a real woman and not some slip of a girl that doesn’t know the first thing about how to please a man.”

Faith was so glad she’d had the talk with Jacob this morning. If they hadn’t, she would’ve probably believed what Iris said.

“Jacob and I are husband and wife. We took our vows in front of God, and we have no intention of breaking them.”

“You are naïve, aren’t you? We’ll just see who knows more about men, but be warned. I’ve had plenty of experience, and I will get the man I want. I always do.” With that, she flounced off.

Faith had a feeling Iris’ vast experience with men was exactly what Jacob disliked so much, but the woman had left her uneasy. Lord, please don’t let her make trouble for Jacob and me.

Jacob joined her not long after she got to the service. He gave her a big smile, as if he were happy to finally be there beside her.