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I WAITED ON THE PORCH for Jesse to pick me up for our movie date. When he pulled in my driveway, I couldn’t stop smiling. He rushed out to greet me and spun me around in a circle as he embraced me. His soft lips touched mine, and I felt all those cursed butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
“I’ve been waiting all day to feel your arms around me,” he said.
“You have no idea how bad I’ve missed your voice and that gorgeous smile. But wait... Where’s that beautiful smile?”
His face darkened.
I stared at him and realized from the expression on his face that something was wrong. “Jesse, what’s going on? Is Fred okay?”
He kissed me one more time, then opened the passenger door to his car. “C’mon. We’re going to be late for the movie.”
I touched his arm. “Something’s wrong. Don’t try to hide it from me. What’s going on?”
“There’s not enough time to talk about it.”
“Then let’s skip the movies. We can’t really talk there anyway. How about we just go drive somewhere and just talk?”
“That actually sounds fantastic. I’m not really in the mood for a movie anyway.”
“So...where’s the best spot in Big Bear Lake to stargaze?” I asked, getting in and fastening my seatbelt.
“I know the perfect place,” he said, pulling out of the driveway.
Jesse drove us to the most beautiful spot. He ran a hand through his hair, got out, and started pacing.
“Talk to me, Jesse. Don’t leave me in the dark. I’m here to help, to listen.”
His gaze was intense. “I’m losing it. I-I killed one of the birds at the zoo.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I couldn’t believe it, because I knew how much he cared about the animals.
“What happened?” I asked.
“My vampire side is kicking in full swing. I couldn’t control myself. I just killed it and sucked it dry.” He looked away, as if ashamed. “I must sound like a monster.”
“No. I know how much you love those animals.”
“I devoted my life to them. I started volunteering at the zoo when I was eight. My uncle used to take me, and we did tons of volunteer work. Then I got hired officially when I was fifteen. I’ve never had a problem before now.”
“Did you feed, um...eat before work?”
“Yes, but something’s happening. This dark force is trying to take over, and I can’t control it.”
“We’ll get through this,” I said, gripping his hands, “together.”
“But I-I’m losing control,” he said.
I could hear the pain in his voice, and I wanted nothing more than to take it all away. Taking his face in my hands, I kissed him.
“I never desired immortality. I was just born this way.”
“I know, baby. I know.”
“If I somehow hurt you, I’d be tormented for the rest of my existence.”
“That won’t happen,” I told him.
“Wild animals are unpredictable.”
“You’re not an animal. You’re a human being, just a little bit different, that’s all.”
“But I’m haunted by what I’ll become. I don’t want to tell people a hundred years from now that I used to be human once. I want to stay just the way I am. I love my life, and I don’t want it to change.”
“Your mother has retained most of her humanity,” I said.
“She was born a vampire too. She waited to have kids, 500 years, to be exact, so she’s had lots of practice.” A droplet of sweat rolled down his face. “The hunger hurts...it hurts so bad.”
“Let’s call Sam, Kira, or your mom.”
He doubled over. “No! They’ll be mad if they find out what I did. I-I can’t drink human blood. It’s making me darker and darker every day, and I refuse to belong to the dark. It’s turning me into a rabid animal, but how can I fight what fate wants me to be?”
“You can’t let this evil consume you,” I said.
“You mean I need to keep the monster inside of me caged?”
“Deep down, you’re the most beautiful person I know. You can’t let this evil take over the person you truly are.”
“I’m fighting the change, even though it’s inevitable. It’s like this noose is tightening around my neck every single day. And I can’t breathe. It’s slowly strangling me. I’m just as bad off as Fred, except my change is just more gradual than his.” He walked a few feet away from me. “Are you scared of me?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
“That’s because you haven’t seen my true nature. You’ve seen my eyes and my fangs, but you haven’t seen the monster that resides inside of me, the monster I fight every day to keep under wraps. You need to leave me as fast as you can. I’m no good for you. I’m coming undone, getting...unstable. The last thing I want to do...I don’t want to hurt the people I care about. If only we’d met a year earlier. You could’ve gotten to know me before the change ever took place. You would’ve loved me. I was happy and carefree. I wasn’t brooding and questioning my life the way I am now. You deserve better. It’s best if you cut your losses this very second.”
“No,” I said. “Don’t you talk like that. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
“How could you want to stay with me?” he asked.
“Because I know the beautiful person you really are. You weren’t given a choice, much like I wasn’t given one when I was marked by the werewolves. I know it’s unfair. You weren’t the one who brought me into this supernatural world, but I’m in it now. I don’t understand it. I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He gazed up at me and stared, longingly, into my eyes.
“I’ll never leave you, Jesse.”
He pressed his lips against mine in a soft kiss.
“Everything’s gonna be okay,” I whispered, “but you can’t fight nature. If you were born a vampire, sooner or later, you have to drink human blood. Go back to the bags of blood your mom gets for you. You’re not hurting anyone by drinking donated blood.”
“I despise it though. It’s what’s making this curse worse.”
“You aren’t going to win over nature. None of us do. You were born a vampire, whether you wanna face it or not.”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. Ultimately, I’ll be that vampire I loathe so much, but I can fight the blackness that threatens to consume me.”
“Think of it like medicine. Drink it and get it over with. Then enjoy an ice-cold soda. At least you have the ability to eat and drink.”
“If all I had was blood, I’d go crazy.”
“We can stock you up with every flavor of soda there is, but if you don’t drink human blood like you’re supposed to, you won’t be able to function out here. You can’t be killing animals at the zoo...or humans, for that matter.”
He cupped my face. “I know. I don’t wanna be one of those vampires who struggles with his animalistic nature every time I meet a human. But what if it takes over and I kill the entire town? I refuse to be a tortured soul trying to atone for my sins because of my past.”
“You’re not going to kill every person in Big Bear Lake. In fact, you won’t kill anyone.”
“Yeah, only because I’ll be stopped by all the other supernatural creatures living here. Can’t be on the front-page news, now can we?”
I placed my hand on his heart. “You’re not a killer, and you’re not like the other vampires. I can feel your heart beating. Your skin is warm. You have a heart and a soul.”
“It’s just...as each day goes by, I feel like I’m losing my humanity.”
“We’ll fight this together,” I said.
“I wish I could be perfect for you,” he said.
“You know what I’ve learned...it’s okay not to be perfect.”
He looked directly in my eyes as he spoke. “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
I grinned. “You know what? I can say the exact same thing.”
He smiled.
“There’s that smile! See? You’re beautiful inside and out.”
After we talked for another hour, Jesse drove me back to his house. I didn’t have to be home for another couple hours, so I thought I’d spend it with Jesse. We headed downstairs to the living room, where there was a big-screen TV. I sat on the barstool while Jesse went behind the counter.
“What would you like?” he asked.
“Water would be wonderful.”
He reached in the mini-fridge and set down a bottled water on a brown coaster.
“Thanks,” I said.
As if in a trance, he stared at my neck.
“Jesse?” I asked.
“I can hear your heart beating,” he softly said. “The blood is flowing through your veins.”
“You’re thirsty,” I said. “Let’s get you something to drink.”
My heart raced as his eyes started to glow and his teeth transitioned into fangs. I tried to remain brave, but I was a nervous wreck. His menacing features made me gasp. Will he strike? Will his teeth pierce my neck at any given moment? He was anguishing with a dangerous compulsion to drink human blood, and I wondered if he wanted it straight from the tap, my carotid artery. I wasn’t sure if I’d be a willing donor. His eyes narrowed into enraged slits. I stared at Jesse, stunned and terrified.
“I-I can’t control it,” he said. “Your scent is driving me crazy! Leave, Taylor! Leave before I hurt you!”
I grabbed my purse, but as I spun to leave, Jesse doubled over in pain. “Jesse!”
He moaned, holding his side. “Don’t come back behind the bar! Stay away!”
“You need blood,” I said.
“Yes,” he muttered softly. “I swore I wouldn’t let hunger rule me, but—”
“Where do you keep it?”
“I don’t want you to see me drinking it.”
“Listen, I’ve learned to accept this. It’s a simple fact. Vampires need blood. Now where is it? I’ll get it.”
Sucking in a deep breath, he said, “The white fridge on the other side of the bar.”
I hurried over and flung the door open, expecting to see a bunch of IV drip bags filled with blood, but that wasn’t what I found. Instead, there was a fancy crystal pitcher filled with red liquid, presumably blood. I reached for a wine glass from overhead, poured the red serum into the cup, and handed it to him.
“Drink!” I ordered.
He reached for the glass and took a sip, then started guzzling until there wasn’t a single drop. He was in full vampire mode, and I knew how dangerous it was to be there next to him when he wasn’t in full control and was so unstable, but I couldn’t force myself to leave. Jesse needed me, and I was going to be there for him.
His eyes suddenly pierced mine, and I could see the darkness consuming him. His upper lip peeled back from his fangs, blood dripping from them. “More!” he demanded.
My breath escaped in a shocked gasp. I refilled the glass, and he drank as fast as a guy chugging a beer at a frat party. When it was empty, he demanded more. I poured, and he drank hungrily.
He set down the glass. “It’s not enough,” he said, looking at me wantonly. He let out a low growl and bared his fangs. Licking his lips, his gaze bore into mine. All of the sudden, he wasn’t the Jesse I knew.
For the first time, I was truly scared of Jesse, because I was seeing him for the vampire he truly was. With shaky hands, I poured him another glass. He reached for the pitcher and started guzzling once again like a wild, ravenous, hungry animal. Blood oozed down his face in crimson rivers, staining his white shirt with bright red blotches. The coppery, salty stench made me nauseous. Once he had consumed every last drop, he threw the glass pitcher against the wall, shattering it in a million little pieces. He closed his eyes and gasped for breath, as if trying to fend off some invisible monster trying to invade his body. He then wiped the blood off his mouth.
It was terrifying to see him gulp down a pitcher of real human blood, but I studied him intently. His glowing eyes and sharp fangs sent a cold chill through me. The pain and torment behind his eyes told me more than words ever could. His breathing evened, and his calm demeanor made me feel as if he’d won the battle that was waging inside his mind.
“Feel better?” I asked, noticing the guilt and sadness lingering in his eyes.
He nodded. “Sorry about that,” he said. “If I didn’t drink it all, I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself from lunging for you. I felt like a hunter, like you were my prey. I can’t even explain to you what I was going through. I had to have blood. It was as urgent as breathing.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not! I despise blood, yet my body craves it. This time, it wanted fresh blood, warm blood. I hate this bloodlust I’ve been born with.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I hate it!” he shouted. “Why must I walk this dark path?”
“We can’t stop it,” I said, “but let me hold your hand and try to lighten things up for you.”
We stared into each other’s eyes; his resumed their normal color as he turned into his human form.
He stroked my hair. “I can’t bear the thought of hurting you.”
“You didn’t.”
“Maybe not this time,” he whispered.
I gripped his hands in a reassuring manner.
“I don’t want to be this way,” he said, “and I didn’t want you to ever see me like this. You have no idea how painful it is to be...hungry.”
I cupped his face, desperately wanting to take all the pain away.
He embraced me in a hug, and I hugged him with everything I had. I refused to leave him, and I had never felt so needed by anyone. Jesse hadn’t asked for such a life, and he harbored an intense fury over the fact that nature had made him a vampire. Drinking human blood went against everything he believed in. He wanted no part of it, yet he was forced to do it if he wanted to stay strong and healthy and virile, to live a normal life.
He held me close. “I feel like an outsider, Taylor, as if I’ll never really belong anywhere. Yes, I have my mom and Kira and Sam, but I’ve still never felt accepted here in Big Bear Lake. I’ve lived here my entire life and know everyone, yet I feel like a complete stranger. I don’t feel like I could ever be myself, that I always have to hide who I really am.”
“We’ll take it one day at a time,” I said.
Footsteps echoed down the stairs, and Kira walked in. “What the heck happened?” she asked.
“I had an attack,” Jesse said.
She gasped. “With Taylor here? My gosh! You coulda killed her.” Kira grabbed me by the shoulders. “Listen, when he gets this way, you need to leave. Got it?”
“I-I didn’t want to leave him alone.”
She blinked. “Do you have a death wish or something? Because when Jesse is having a bloodlust episode, he could easily make you his first kill without even realizing it until it’s too late.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And the same goes for me or Sam. I could kill you before you knew what hit you.” She blinked. “I almost killed our housekeeper last week. Sam and I thought we had the bloodlust licked, but the second wave of transition is coming, and it makes us hungrier than ever. You need to stay away, because the last thing we want to do is to kill you.”
I swallowed hard.
She looked at Jesse. “You need to take a leave of absence from work until we get this thing under control. You know Mom has connections to get you some time off.”
“It’s probably best,” he said, nodding.
“And Mom told us we need blood every three hours during this rough patch. When was the last time you fed before this?” she asked, pointing to the bloody glass shards on the floor.
“A few hours before my date with Taylor,” Jesse said.
“That’s not enough to keep you sane and in control.”
“I see that now. My normal consumption is not holding off my urges.”
Kira turned to meet my gaze. “Go home, Taylor. I’ll take care of Jesse.”
I knew she was right, that I had no idea what to do to get Jesse through it. I didn’t know one little thing about their world. I hoped that one day, they’d let me in, but for the time being, it was out of my hands, and I had to accept that. I gave Jesse’s hand a squeeze, and he kissed my cheek.
“Goodnight,” I said.
“Goodnight,” he said. “I’m so sorry our date was such a...disaster. Maybe we should have just gone to the movies after all.”
I smiled. “I don’t think popcorn woulda done it for you, sweetie.”
He smiled back, then kissed my lips.
“Sam will take you home,” Kira said.
Overcome with emotion, I hurried up the stairs and let myself out.
Suddenly, Kira called my name.
I turned to face her. “Yes?”
“You have to stay away from Jesse,” she said.
“But, Kira, I—”
“I mean it, Taylor, and don’t think it’s because I don’t like you. In fact, it’s because I do. If you and Jesse are meant to be and you’re truly crazy about him, what’s a year? Give him that long to adjust to this kind of life. We’re born vampires but we don’t transition until seventeen. You’re coming right in the middle of it. So give him some space, then you guys can date again. I’m not saying to leave forever—just for a while.”
“A year is a long time.”
“If you care about him, you’ll do it. If he kills you by accident, we’ll never be able to rehabilitate him.”
“How are you adjusting so well?” I asked.
“I’m not, but Sam and I are doing better than Jesse. He’ll come around, so don’t lose hope. Just give him some time. That’s all we’re asking.”
I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes. “Okay. I’ll do whatever it takes to help him get better, and if staying away is what I have to do, I will.”
“Thanks, Taylor.” She pondered, then spoke, “If you promise to stay away, I’ll tell you something I found out.”
“I want Jesse to get better,” I said, “so if he needs time and distance, that’s what I’ll give him.”
“I don’t know the whole petal story, but you can find out about it in an ancient book called The Book of Tanesa.”
“Where do I find it?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s a great lead,” she said.
“Thank you, Kira.”
Sam walked toward me. “Hey, I’ll take you home.”
“Thanks.” Swallowing back the pain, the anger, the heartbreak, and the tears, I hurried into the car and slammed the door shut.
As he drove me home, I tried to sort it all out in my head. I still couldn’t believe I was dating a vampire. I knew Jesse would get past his fang-ups in time. It would be difficult, but his mother had done it and had been able to function perfectly in society, among humans. I knew Jesse, Sam, and Kira would be able to function just as efficiently. Also, even though Kira had virtually kicked me out, I knew Jesse’s family had good hearts and were beautiful people inside and out. They didn’t feed on people like the average vampire. They valued human life, so they went out of their way to find other food sources, so they wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Sam tried to explain Kira’s side of the story. It was the exact thing she already told me. He kept telling me it was for my own good, for my own protection.
The other thing I knew was that I would never, ever give up on Jesse, no matter how bad things got. I hated that Kira wanted me to stay away, but I knew she was only doing it for my benefit, for my safety.