“None of us know how to fix ourselves, at least not entirely, not well enough.”
—Catherine Lacey
Mom picks me up from my meeting with Danny to have dinner with Dad.
I’m eating a Caprese salad, but every bite’s a chore. As I cut slices of tomato and mozzarella, I listen to Dad talk about the campaign. He barely pauses to take a breath.
“We’re ahead in the polls,” Dad says. “Still a long way to go though.”
This is his way of making small talk.
“Oh yeah?” I say. “Were you not leading?”
He cuts into his steak. Mom’s been trying to get him to eat healthier lately—lean meats like chicken and seafood—but Dad loves red meat. “We slipped a few weeks ago.”
“But we were still in the lead,” Mom says, spotting someone from the corner of her eye. She turns to me. “Liv, isn’t that the boy you’ve been dating? Zach?”
I see Zach crossing the restaurant. My skin crawls.
What a terrible coincidence.
I still haven’t told my parents about the breakup.
He’s got none other than Cristina Rossi on his arm. He sees me and starts heading our way. Please don’t. I nearly drop my fork. I down some water.
“Yeah. We’re not seeing each other anymore,” I say. “Don’t say anything weird.”
“Weird?” Mom says. “Why would I do that?”
Zach stops at the table and looks at me. “Liv, Mr. and Mrs. Blakely. Just thought I’d say hello. My dad is very excited that you’re ahead in the race for governor.”
“Please tell your father I appreciate his vote of confidence and his continued support,” Dad says. “We’re in an uphill battle and could use him on the front lines.”
“He’s there for you, sir. If you’ll excuse me, we have a reservation. Don’t want to lose our table.”
“Good seeing you, young man,” Dad says, trying to stay polite. He’s obviously confused about why my boyfriend is on a date with another girl.
“Great to see you too, Mr. Blakely. Mrs. Blakely.” Zach keeps his focus on my father. He doesn’t bother giving me a glance, but Cristina does. She can’t help herself.
In fact, she stops in her tracks and says, “I hope you’re not still making yourself throw up all over the place like you did at the boat party. You should really take better care of yourself. You look pretty skeletal.” She glances at both of my parents. “Just thought someone should tell you.”
Before I can process what just happened, Cristina turns around and catches up with Zach. Mom and Dad put down their drinks.
Mom stares at me. Dad looks down at the tablecloth.
I can’t think. I can’t say anything.
They’re devastated. It’s obvious.
“I have to go,” I say, getting up, making my way through tables to the restroom.
Did Zach know Cristina was going to say that? Had she been waiting for the perfect moment to expose me? Did she want to humiliate me all along?
I don’t even go in a stall. I have vertigo right there at the sink. I can hardly breathe. I can’t even fathom what just happened. I want to be away from everyone. I don’t want anyone to look at me. I’m disgusting.
Mom comes into the bathroom. All I can do is turn away, horrified.
“Liv,” Mom says. She’s concerned, but I can tell she’s trying to hide the disappointment in her tone. “It’s true. Isn’t it?”
I head toward a stall.
“Liv.” Mom puts a hand on my shoulder. She’s gentle. I could pull away, but I don’t—I feel ready to give in to her. “I already knew. I didn’t tell your father. I should have never let you keep going on like this... I thought you were turning around.”
“You tried to trick me,” I say, pulling away because I’m too sick to stop myself. I feel the food come up and lurch toward the toilet. I heave and then heave again. Mom is in the stall, holding back my hair. She closes the door.
“Mason told me,” she says. “He didn’t want me to say anything yet. That’s why I wanted you to come to the therapist. Honey, I’m so sorry. You know how much I love you. I just want to help.”
Mason promised he wouldn’t say anything. If Mom already knew, why did he want me to tell them myself? Why did I think I could avoid everything by avoiding him?
Mom and Dad aren’t going to let this go now.
I’m so embarrassed I just want to die.
“Everyone has known this whole time,” I mutter.
I can barely talk. I heave again.
I feel betrayed by her. By Mason, Zach, Cristina.
By everyone.