Others Can’t Be All We Need
But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7
Most of us learned a long time ago that we can’t expect others to be all we need. But we keep hoping, don’t we?
I remember one young single mother who demanded the men of the church answer her every call for help. If her car tires needed air or if her house windows were dirty, she called on the churchmen to assist her. When they balked—after all, most of them didn’t wash windows for their own wives!—she complained to the pastor, saying the church was supposed to take care of its widows.
That’s true, but only to a point. The instructions in James 1:27 direct the church “to look after orphans and widows in their distress.” That includes providing shelter and food, but not taking over work they can—and should—do themselves.
And we can’t expect others to take on our hurt. Even though it’s been several years since her divorce, Judy still holds a grudge against a woman in her church who didn’t respond to the news the way Judy felt she should have.
In great detail, Judy describes the Wednesday night service when her husband handed her the car keys, said, “Who are we trying to kid?” and walked out. In that moment, she knew their struggling marriage was over. Numb, she sat through the rest of the service, wanting to give him enough time to walk the few blocks home, pack his suitcase, and leave.
After the service, the woman sitting behind her asked if everything was all right. With tears running down her cheeks, Judy blurted out she was facing a divorce.
“Then the woman patted my arm, muttered God would be with me, and went home with her husband!” Judy says.
Sure, it would have been wonderful if the woman had wrapped Judy in a hug and said, “Oh, honey!” But she didn’t.
If we’re going to think, It’s not fair and be hurt every time someone fails to provide what we think we need, we’re going to be hurting a lot. Other people have their own problems, and they can’t take on ours any more than we can take on theirs. So let’s welcome the help when it comes, but let’s not demand it. By looking at our situation realistically, we can get through it with less disappointment—and less bitterness.
Please understand that I’m not trying to pour more discouragement into your life. After all, I’ve learned from personal experience how difficult being a single mom is. Yes, we’d love to have a pat on the shoulder occasionally, but I’ve also learned that longing for encouragement and praise takes energy better used in tending to the duties at hand. Remember, the ancient Greeks awarded the prize not to the winner who crossed the finish line first but to the one who finished first with his torch still burning!
Besides, other folks don’t appreciate our challenges anyway. I saw that years ago when a relative and I drove to Kentucky to take my grandparents, Papa and Mama Farley, and my aunt Adah to Michigan for a visit. An eight-hour drive was ahead, so my grandmother had packed an enormous lunch basket, topped with a large bunch of bananas, and placed it next to her on the front seat. She positioned her cane against her leg and settled in for the trip.
Lengthy road construction and numerous detours forced us to take alternate routes on narrow stretches of asphalt through the beautiful Appalachian Mountains. At the top of one more detour, we discovered a rock slide had covered the road.
As I looked at the beautiful valley below us, the relative let the car idle as he got out to survey the situation. Just as he climbed onto the rock pile, perhaps to see if he could get his Buick over it, the car stalled and began to roll backward.
I was in the backseat, wedged between Aunt Adah and Papa, but it was up to me to reach the brake. In an instant, I threw myself over the seat, knocking the lunch basket to the floor as I scrambled to stomp on the brakes.
When I got the car stopped, it was already several feet beyond the asphalt. And beyond that was a five-hundred-foot drop into the ravine below.
With the car safely braked, I released my breath and tried to push my heart out of my throat and back down into its proper position. Finally, I looked at Mama Farley. Surely she had some praise for my quick action that had saved the four of us from severe injury, if not death.
But she merely glanced at me as she picked up the scattered lunch. Then she muttered, “You smashed the bananas.”
So much for my need for appreciation. But I can’t fault my grandmother. After all, she hadn’t recognized the danger, so she couldn’t appreciate my effort. And that’s how it is with other folks who don’t understand our single-parent challenges. So we continue tackling the day-to-day challenges, knowing we are saving ourselves and our children. And we smile!
Prayer: Father God, I’m weary. Weary of not being appreciated, not being encouraged, not being understood. Wow. That felt good to say! But even as I confess all that to you, I’m asking for your help. May I draw on your strength. May I not expect people to provide what only you can.
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings