Look for New Adventures
Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore. Psalm 125:1–2
Do you ever compare yourself to others? Me too. And since I know that tendency all too well, I know the trick is to get those comparisons going in the right direction. Thus, over the years I’ve learned to focus not on folks who seemingly have everything but on those who need help. And by reaching out to others, my children and I learned to concentrate on what we had left instead of lamenting what we had lost.
That first Thanksgiving after being thrust into single parenting, I decided not to cook the big meal I had prepared in the past. And I didn’t accept any of the invitations we received. I knew being with complete families would intensify my feelings of loss.
So I called the local Salvation Army and asked if we could help serve dinner. Amazingly, even that small service to homeless veterans, transient workers, or even other single-parent families helped us far more than it helped those on the receiving end. And afterward, the three of us went home with a special feeling of peace.
The day had its humorous moments too. I’d told Jay and Holly not to wear their nicest clothes since I didn’t want us to look as though we condescendingly were doing our good deed for the year. They apparently followed my instructions too well.
After we had served everyone else, we sat down with our own filled plates. Just as we lifted our heads from prayer, a photographer from the local paper stepped through the doorway. He surveyed the room, spotted my youngsters, smiled, and came over.
“I’m from the paper, and we’re doing a story on families having dinner at the Salvation Army,” he said. “May I take your picture? This will be a great shot—you and your kids.”
I panicked. “Oh, no! We’re volunteers. We’ve been serving dinner to the others.”
He smiled gently. “It’s okay. Everybody needs a little help now and then.”
“But we’re volunteers,” I insisted. “We came to help.”
An older gentleman at the next table had been watching the scenario. “You can take my picture,” he said. “I won’t make as pretty a one as the youngins, but I’ll smile fer you.”
The photographer shrugged and snapped one shot of the man before moving to the other side of the room. I decided next year I’d let Jay and Holly wear their nicest sweaters.
But I also had to face an area deep within my being I hadn’t known was there—pride that we were helping instead of being helped. Even all these years later, I analyze my reaction. Yes, I’m grateful for the service opportunity that propelled me out of my self-pity, but I’m also aware the photographer was right when he said, “Everybody needs a little help now and then.” So don’t let pride keep you from getting any help your family may need.
While I was finding new ways to serve others, I also had to learn how to assume the responsibilities that once had been my husband’s. Most single moms hear at least occasionally, “Daddy didn’t do it that way,” whether they’re making French toast or cleaning the garage.
When Melanie’s children made these comments, she used to snap, “Well, Daddy’s not here!” But she soon realized such a retort only deepened the gloom. Finally she forced herself to ask them to show her “how Daddy would do this.” To her delight, Jimmy, her twelve-year-old son, remembered how to pour the gasoline into the lawn mower tank without splashing. Soon she was asking Jimmy how he would tackle a task.
While we’re learning new tasks, we need to allow ourselves to have fun. We can become so worried about paying bills, making friends, settling into a new routine that we miss the joy of this moment. That was a tough area for me because I don’t like change. The familiar was my security blanket, and I liked having it tightly wrapped around me.
But single parenting snatched away that security, shoving me into new territory. The only healthy choice I could make was to analyze the situation and then find ways to adjust. But once I forced myself to take little risks, even changing my basic wardrobe color from the pinks my husband bought for me to the deep purples I’d always loved, I discovered a heart for adventure.
That realization quickly translated into having fun with my young children, including garbage-bag tobogganing near their grandparents’ home. I took to carrying a box of oversized plastic lawn bags in the car trunk for such impromptu romps.
Even a walk in the woods became an adventure. And looking back now, we recognize that our favorite memories from those early years of adjustment are in the unplanned events, such as trips to a cider mill or free art fairs, and not the trips I overplanned for weeks.
When I was married, Sunday afternoons revolved around football. If I wanted to invite folks for dinner, they had to like football. Now, these many years later, I confess that while I still miss my husband, I don’t miss football one bit. As I reclaimed those fall and winter Sunday afternoons, I started looking for activities Jay, Holly, and I could do together. Free museums, plays, and orchestra concerts quickly filled the time once belonging to football.
Those activities were some of our choices for a Sunday afternoon; they may not be yours. The point is, depending on your tastes, budget, and the ages of your children, do whatever appeals to you as a family. Maybe visiting with friends and relatives is more to your liking, or taking in a matinee or going to the zoo, or whatever.
If you’re outdoor types, you’ve got hiking, biking, and romping in the park, as well as skating, sledding, and all the rest of those cold-weather sports when the temperature drops and the snow starts falling, as it did when we lived in Michigan. Whatever your climate, find new ways to enjoy being together.
Remember, analyze and adjust. We don’t have to be victims of our circumstances.
Prayer: Father God, I don’t like change. But here I am—dealing with one change after another. Please help me accept my new role even as I analyze our challenges and find new ways to celebrate being a family.
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings