A Bright Future
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 59:16
I had been invited to speak on finding God’s will at a college spiritual retreat. I went prepared with Scriptures and principles such as “God’s direction for today never contradicts his Word” and “His call will be persistent.” But the weekend proved to be an eye-opener for me; I hadn’t expected to hear so many confessions—and regrets—from Christian young people.
On the second night, one of the girls sat on my bunk and sobbed her story of sexual activity, saying, “I want to go back to the way I was.”
Another young woman told me her boyfriend had broken up with her after their intimacy. His reason? He was disappointed she hadn’t been stronger.
My friend Rose is another speaker. Once she spoke at a California church gathering, emphasizing that good choices now prevent future regrets. Just then, in one of life’s coincidences, the pastor entered the room and stood quietly in the back. Rose stared at him and, in bewilderment, called him by name.
He looked just as stunned at seeing her. “Rosie?” he said.
She turned back to the audience. “Back in Michigan, more than thirty years ago, I dated your pastor. How would we have felt seeing each other now if we had been intimate then?”
So how do we, as single mothers, help our teens set goals that will help them not have future regrets? By planning ahead.
A few months after Holly’s twelfth birthday, she asked when she could start dating. I wanted to yell, “Never!” Instead, I calmly asked, “When do you think would be a good time?”
She thought for a moment, then said, “I think sixteen is a good age.”
I wasted no time. “That’s a good idea, Holly. Why don’t we write that down, along with a few other thoughts?”
So we drew up what later would be known as “the Contract.” We sat at the dining room table and discussed several situations. Then Holly carefully printed the following rules and expectations:
Are you smiling at a twelve-year-old’s innocence? I did too.
After Holly finished listing the rules we had agreed upon, she wrote the date at the top of the paper, and we both signed it. I folded it and put it in a safe place. I’d just bought myself several years of peace. Or so I thought.
Everything was going along just fine until middle school. To hear my daughter tell it, every girl in Fox Lane School was going steady by the time she was in eighth grade. When she’d insist that she too be allowed to date even though she was only fourteen, I’d calmly ask, “What does the Contract say, Holly?”
Often she stomped out of the room, muttering, “I’m never signing anything ever again.”
Somehow we got through middle school, but I dreaded the approach of her freshman year and fifteenth birthday when she could group date. Sure enough, it wasn’t long after her birthday that she and another fifteen-year-old, whom I’ll call Adam, were the sweethearts of first-hour lunch.
I insisted upon meeting him before they went bowling with friends. He had the good sense to be nervous but gave me details about where they were going, which parent would drive, and when they’d return. I took a deep breath, knowing the next step was just around the corner.
In the following months, I could see from Holly’s tension she was being pressured. Adam had known about Holly’s determination she wouldn’t kiss until her sixteenth birthday since she wanted her party. But Adam thought he could change her mind. And he was being hostile to me, saying I had tricked Holly into signing something at twelve that had no relevance to real life.
One day, I came home with my briefcase packed with articles to be edited by the next morning. But Holly was aggravated, so I ignored the work. For the next hour and a half we talked about present decisions affecting future relationships.
Holly informed me the normal procedure in her school was for the guy to ask the girl out for their first date, and then they’d kiss. She insisted she had waited all those months and was tired of having a “dumb contract” forcing her to wait longer.
“Fine, Holly,” I finally said. “If you want to kiss him, go ahead. But remember, the deal was you’d get a Sweet Sixteen party only if it is a Sweet Sixteen party. Life’s full of decisions. You can’t have everything. Make your choice.”
Believe it or not, she chose the party and asked him not to pressure her. I’d like to report he was impressed with her determination and respected her decision. But alas, he broke up with her and started dating her best friend.
By the way, where did she choose to have her party after all that tension, those long arguments, and that unnecessary emotion? At our home. Is it any wonder my hair began to turn gray early?
I realize this story sounds old-fashioned, but we parents have a responsibility to help our teens make good choices—not only for today but for the future. Be encouraged, however, that not every teen out there is sexually active. In fact, recently the beautiful daughter of a friend showed me her Promise Ring that reminds her of her vow not to have sex before marriage, do drugs, or drink.
The teens of this decade are not the only ones who have ever faced sexual pressure. And whether they voice it, they need—and want—our understanding and protection in their scary new world. Remember, we are the parents. It’s up to us to provide guidance.
Prayer: Father God, peer pressure is intense these days. Yes, I’ve faced it, and sometimes I didn’t make the right decisions. So please help me as I help my children. May all of us get safely through these years.
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings