A Casual Chat
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a ruling rightly given. Proverbs 25:11
Are your children old enough to date? If so, do you talk with their dates? I did.
At the start of Holly’s junior year, one of the guys on the wrestling team asked her to go bowling. I had hoped to postpone the Talk a few more months, but there he was—a handsome young man with a neck like a tree trunk, asking to take my daughter out.
The Talk consisted of Holly’s would-be date answering seemingly casual questions about his interests, previous residences, and family background.
This young man was nervous as he answered my chatty questions. He kept glancing toward the stairway, wondering when Holly would be ready.
I smiled. “It’s okay. She’ll be downstairs when this is over.”
He sighed.
I gestured toward the window where we could see his blue car parked in front of the house. “That’s a nice car,” I said. “Obviously, you take good care of it. But what would you do if a stranger came to your door one evening and asked if he could borrow it, even adding he’d take good care of it.”
The lad smiled in sudden understanding. “I’d tell him I’d have to know him better.”
I nodded. “Exactly. And you’ve shown up here, asking to take my daughter out for the evening. Her value is far more precious to me than your car is to you.”
“But even though we’ve met, I haven’t known anything about you before we began this talk,” I said. “Right now you think this is ridiculous, but I guarantee in a few years when a stranger comes to your door to take your future daughter out for the evening, you’ll think of me and say, ‘That old lady was right!’”
As he mulled over that thought, I continued. “Another thing: You two are going out just as friends, but I’ve lived long enough to know how quickly situations can change. So remember this: Treat Holly the way you hope some other guy is treating your future wife.”
His eyes widened. I knew I’d hit my target.
Word got around the wrestling team. Soon, when another guy mentioned he was going to ask Holly out, the others warned him about the Talk. One wrestler told Holly he hoped I hadn’t changed my mind, adding, “I had to go through it; I want the other guys to face your mom too.”
Of course, they’d tell each other what I asked, so I always had to vary my questions.
Only one young man refused to meet me, so Holly told him not to call her again. “It’s like my mom says, ‘You don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.’”
She later confessed she was glad I had the rule because the guy made her nervous. Of course, I appreciated her comment, but it also underscored the fact that she was depending on my in-charge parenting as her protection.
In case you’re wondering, I met Jay’s dates too, but usually over lunch at our home and without the tension. And I didn’t terrorize the girls in the same way I had the wrestlers. Instead, I privately talked to my son about his responsibility in a dating setting. Amazingly, though, those talks with the guys who wanted to date Holly were almost easy compared with the discussions Jay and I had. I remember when mothers had to teach their daughters to say no. Well, today’s mothers have to encourage their sons to say no.
I confess at times part of me longed for the day when Jay and Holly would be adults and I wouldn’t have to be so watchful. But my older friends laughed, telling me my job wouldn’t be over even then. “You just wait until your children give you grandchildren,” they’d say. Argh!
But over the years, I learned my prayers carry more power than my talking. So, believe me, I prayed a lot then—and continue to do so now.
Was my involvement in my teens’ dating old-fashioned? Unrealistic? Perhaps. But I remember the high school students during my teaching days who didn’t have curfews or involved parents. Those students were more apt to face addictions, sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and regrettable abortions. My involvement with Jay’s and Holly’s dating choices came with no guarantees, but at least they knew I was being vigilant. Oh, I wanted to pretend they were above such temptations, but I knew better. We single moms may not get through this stage as well as we’d like, but by talking to our children—and the Lord—and being watchful, we increase the chance of fewer regrets.
How do Jay and Holly feel about my rules now that they are adults? Amazingly, they are grateful for my mother-bear vigilance. Sure, they kid me about some of the questions I asked their dates, and Holly rolls her eyes as she tells her friends about my quiet stroll through the bowling alley when she was on her first group date. But they carry no regrets.
And isn’t having no regrets our goal for our children and ourselves?
Prayer: Father God, I have mixed feelings about the Talk. Yes, I understand Sandra’s concern because of her former students. But I’m not sure this would work for my family. So please give me your guidance as I continue to welcome my role as my children’s protector.
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings