Teaching Responsibility
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11
Counselors and child experts remind us that children who have time on their hands aren’t happy. In fact, those who have no chores and no responsibilities tend to quarrel much more than those who have to be busy around the home.
Still, we single mothers easily can get trapped into thinking we have to juggle every ball attached to everything needing to be accomplished. Here’s good news: The one labeled “chores” easily can be passed along to the children. But we need to remember we will have fewer discipline problems when we make sure the kiddos understand exactly what we expect from them when we assign chores.
Usually we can’t just say, “Clean your room.” We have to be specific: “Make your bed. Hang up your clothes. Put away the toys. Dust the dresser, chair, and desk.”
I reminded myself of that fact many times when I sent Jay back to his room with the instruction he was to look at the mess through my eyes. Let’s face it: Most teen boys don’t share their mother’s obsession with neatness. I had to learn that Jay’s room was Jay’s room.
My kiddos liked having a chore list on the kitchen counter so they could cross off each item as they finished. I found a list worked better than just giving them another assignment after they’d finish the first one. If they kept getting a string of chores, they’d be defeated, thinking the work would never end. We all need to see that the end goal is possible.
I also found they worked best if I worked with them. So when they first were learning to work, I couldn’t just say, “Put all your toys on the shelf.” I needed to say, “Let’s put all your toys on the shelf.”
Even young children can be in charge of an occasional meal that doesn’t require cooking. There’s nothing wrong with cold chicken sandwiches for dinner. The important thing is that we are spending time together and talking about our day. Meals together often can be the family’s cement.
With my entry into single parenting, I didn’t cook the way I used to—meat and potatoes on the table every night at 5:30 p.m.—but I also refused to give in to the fast-food syndrome. Our meals consisted of a protein and a crunchy vegetable. I also made double portions so the leftovers could provide another meal. On those nights, all we had to add was a fresh salad.
One of our standard dinners each week was baked chicken. Not only did we get a good meal, but the leftovers provided several lunches throughout the week. That was a boon since I refuse to buy regular lunchmeat. It’s too expensive and filled with salt and nitrites.
Some good things came out of my busy schedule: Jay and Holly had to take more responsibility in the kitchen. The best system we found was for them to help me cook dinner and clean up the kitchen afterward on alternate days.
Those first meals the kiddos put together were interesting. Holly enjoyed trying cookbook recipes and trading ideas with her friends, while Jay served whatever was in the refrigerator. But he soon progressed from warmed-over pizza to spicy potatoes and a marvelous cheese-broccoli soup. Today, he often prepares a company dinner complete with marinated meat, homemade bread, and his personalized chocolate dessert cups filled with black raspberry mousse. Ah, another victory.
But even as we parents persevere, we need to be attentive to our children’s varying abilities instead of expecting perfection right away.
Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Several biblical scholars insist the original meaning is, “start off a child in his way.” In other words, we are to help our children discover their strengths and how to best use them. Undoubtedly, you already are aware that what works for one won’t work for another. For example, what is effective discipline for one child often doesn’t even faze his or her sibling. What an awesome responsibility we have to help our children discover their separate strengths.
Yes, that discipline includes rewards for good choices and consequences for bad ones. While we’re on the topic of discipline, let’s talk about spanking. Sadly, child abuse is a problem in our society. Whenever the statistics are cited, these same reasons for the parents’ abusive behavior come up—stress, increased pressures, unrealistic expectations, frustration at the way life has turned out, alcohol or drug abuse, lack of an extended family support system, or a continuing cycle of abuse from generation to generation. And the potential for abuse often is especially real for single mothers who are juggling too many responsibilities alone. Think about that: Little children are being hurt by the one person they are looking to for protection.
When I was overly tired or worried about bills or being pulled in too many directions, nothing was right. But I learned to say, “I can’t handle this well right now,” and withdraw until I could cool down. And while I cooled down, I talked to the Lord. Once I had cooled down, I could tackle the issue in a calmer way. Remember, children don’t read minds any more than we do, so they aren’t going to know they are loved unless they experience it through words and action.
By the way, whatever your thoughts are about spanking, I’ll say this: Don’t spank your children when you are angry. Instead, try what I call the BWAL minute: Breathe, warn, act, love. Taking a breath reminds us the goal is to correct wrong behavior, not strike out in anger. The warning gives the child the opportunity to make a better choice. The action part that I like is to have the child retreat to another room or specific chair to think about his or her wrong decisions. One young friend assigns her sons a specific number of minutes in the Thinking Chair based on their ages. Thus, the five-year-old has to think about his offense for five minutes. (I wish I’d been that creative at her age!) After the allotted minutes, the love part comes in as she asks her child to explain what would be more appropriate action. Then she affirms her love.
If you rolled your eyes at the above account and feel a spanking is in order, smack the child’s bottom—never that little face.
For those times when you are dealing with wearying, repeated action, try telling your children what you need from them and what you’re willing to offer in return. Sometimes that translates into, “When I get home from work, I need to at least get my coat hung up before you spring the latest crisis on me. Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be ready to listen then.”
If you realize you need help beyond my suggestions, input “prevent child abuse” into your computer’s search engine for a long list of local, regional, and national agencies. If you don’t have a computer, your local library may have social services pamphlets listing anonymous hotline numbers. The important thing is that your precious children be protected. You may be all they have.
Prayer: Father God, how do I even begin to pray about discipline? Too often I punish instead of instruct. And too often I punish in anger. This is too much for me, but it’s not too much for you. So please, please help me respond as you want me to. Help me not ignore wrong choices or overreact to typical childish action. Help me show my love—and yours—to my children.
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings