A Referee’s Exhaustion
How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! Psalm 133:1
Jay and Holly used to have the most ridiculous arguments. One day, I’d just gotten home from work when they met me at the door.
“Mom, ground Holly,” Jay demanded. “She threw stuff at me!”
I turned to Holly. “What did you throw at him?”
“String,” she conceded.
I sighed and looked at Jay. “What’s the big deal? So she threw string at you.”
He never batted an eye. “Mom, it was on a large wooden spool.”
Yes, we single mothers have enough crises to juggle without having to referee within our own homes. But having children at odds often happens.
I remember all too well the tension Jay and Holly, “the greatest kids in the world,” each went through while wishing to have been an only child. And in some moments, if they’d kept it up much longer, I could have accommodated that wish easily!
At times, I was convinced they stayed awake at night, thinking up ways to aggravate each other. That started about the time they both were entering puberty, and it was an exhausting time.
For a while, they were so rude to each other I was tempted not to write about single parenting. One exhausting afternoon I listened to another round of “Did not. Did too.”
“My editor should hear this,” I said. “How can I give advice when you two argue so?”
Jay barely glanced my way. “Just have a section called ‘When the Kids Fight.’”
I frowned. “But we’ve been through so much together! And we’ve got enough battles outside; we don’t need to face more inside these walls! We’ve got to get through this as friends!”
They looked at each other and laughed. So much for my manipulation by guilt.
Yes, their quarreling was exhausting, but gradually peace came again. I like thinking two simple house rules made the difference:
Rule One: No battles, either physically or verbally.
Rule Two: You don’t have to like one another, but you do have to respect each other.
My two young teens didn’t always stick to those rules, but just knowing I expected such decent behavior helped keep them on track. I’m convinced youngsters will eventually meet our expectations, so I tried to say encouraging things such as, “You’re a neat kid. I’m surprised you said anything that mean.”
By the time they hit their late teens, they were friends again. In fact, one afternoon as Holly and I ran errands, she said, “You know, Mom, Jay’s really neat. I like talking to him.”
I almost wrecked the car as I whipped my head around to see who’d said that.
As my kids got older, they wonderfully moved past the constant bickering. They talked, double-dated, and even ran errands together. Often I stood by the front window, waving good-bye and marveling at the miracle of their friendship.
How did it happen? If I knew exactly, I’d go on a packed-house lecture tour.
Oh, I want to take credit and say my involvement with my teens, my demand for mutual respect, our constant communication, and lots of prayer brought us to this refreshing understanding. But, in reality, their eventual maturity had more to do with it than anything else.
I hope the news that my kiddos outgrew arguing is encouraging if your children still are in that stage. But if your children aren’t friends yet, let’s look at some of the times when they, especially the little ones, are prone to fight. Always, of course, those arguments occur at the most inconvenient or awkward moments for us mothers. Kids can square off anytime at the drop of a hat, but the following situations rank among their favorites for sparring with one another:
Whenever the phone rings: Every mother knows as soon as she reaches for her ringing phone, the kids look at each other and say, “What can we get into? I know; let’s fight.”
Nancy keeps special games nearby that the children can play with only when she’s on the phone. That’s solved a big problem.
Just before the evening meal: Often kids fight in the hour before dinner. As soon as Sheila gets home from work, her youngsters help make the dinner salads and eat those right away. Some moms keep sliced carrots and quartered apples handy.
Yes, it takes time to prepare those food items ahead of time, but since most kids prefer eating to arguing, planning ahead keeps them from feuding and lets the moms change out of their work clothes without first having to referee another unscheduled bout.
When Mom is most tired: With my kids, it seemed the biggest arguments started when I was the most tired. To keep from yelling, I would ask them to suggest their own solutions for the current difficulty. Holly’s suggestions invariably were reasonable, and Jay’s usually were dramatic. But their comments allowed us to breathe and get through the crisis of the moment.
Always in the car: My two youngsters had vastly differing tastes in music, so it seemed as soon as we were in the car, they started arguing over the radio stations. My standard solution was uncreative, but it worked: “If you two can’t agree, you’ll listen to the station I like.”
They quickly learned listening to my music was worse than listening to each other’s, so they compromised.
Yes, refereeing frequent arguments is exhausting, but creative solutions and maturity help.
Prayer: Father God, single parenting is exhausting enough without my having to deal with arguments in my own home. We should be getting along, even having fun. Instead, petty issues cause irritations, which turn into resentments and then create battles. Sigh. Please help me find creative, peaceful solutions to this bickering. I am so tired. Hmm. Is this how you feel when your children argue here on earth?
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings