Hope Abounds
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? James 4:1
Did you have siblings when you were growing up? If so, did all of you always get along? If you were an only child, were you surprised to learn that sisters and brothers occasionally argue? Sadly, arguments are as old as humankind. And while we may nod over ancient communities being at odds, we don’t like warfare in our homes. In fact, have you ever said to your children, “Why can’t you just get along?”
Yes, we all want peace. So let’s look at two reasons often behind our children’s battles:
They’re dealing with their own stress. When we are trying to pay bills, deal with a mountain of responsibilities, and wade through the grief of death or divorce or broken dreams, it’s easy to forget that our children are dealing with their own challenges. Add in the bodily changes that come with puberty and even our once compliant children may have short fuses.
They’re trying to establish their own identity. I’ve found teens are often at odds because they’re trying to pull away from the family unit. That’s tension enough, but add a sibling or two going through their own crises and we have the potential for a battle.
They’re feeling they don’t have a voice. We don’t like feeling we aren’t in control of our life, that we don’t have a say in matters that affect us, so why should our children be any different?
You undoubtedly can add your own reasons for why your youngsters argue. Yes, we all want peace. We know our yelling, “Shut up!” merely creates more tension and noise. We’ve learned making them feel guilty or playing favorites doesn’t solve anything either.
So let’s look at a few ways to win a cease-fire.
Involve them in the solutions. Since the biggest arguments in our home seemed to start when I was the most tired, I gave myself time to catch my breath by asking the kiddos for their suggestions for solutions. “How would you handle this if you were the mom and I was the child?” was my favorite question.
As I shared previously, Holly’s solutions were practical. “I’d send us to separate rooms until we can get along.”
Jay would be dramatic. “Remind us how difficult it is to raise kids alone. Remind us you didn’t run away to Tahiti or to Kentucky when Dad died. Tell us again how that ancient relative gave up her children when she remarried. And we’ll remind you her youngest boy wouldn’t go to his mother’s funeral years later.”
By the time they’d offered solutions, I was smiling, we were calmer, and the initial tension had lessened.
When Keri asked her ten-year-old son how he’d solve their argument, she was surprised to hear, “I’d ask the kid what happened at school today to make him so grouchy.”
Give each child separate time. Spending some weekend evenings together one-on-one worked for us. So while Holly babysat, Jay and I usually went out for hamburgers and talked. When it was Holly’s turn for alone time, she and I chatted over sandwiches at our favorite tea shop.
Just as children need personal space—whether it’s as grand as having their own room or as simple as owning a brightly colored “secrets” box—sometimes they need to have their parent to themselves. In fact, if children know they’ll have uninterrupted time alone with their parent later, they’re less apt to be so demanding beforehand.
Treat them as individuals. We try to treat our children equally. But we can’t treat them the same because they aren’t the same. Often when our sons have a problem, they may want to be left alone until they’ve worked it out mentally. Our daughters, on the other hand, may want to discuss every detail of their thought process.
Sure, it’s exhausting trying to treat children as individuals, but so is trying to undo the damage from raising cookie-cutter kids.
Speaking of equality, do your children ever argue about who should get the larger half of the last piece of pizza or dessert? Mine did—until I had one child cut the item in two and then give the other child first choice. Yes, the ruler came into use more than once as the item was measured seemingly to the smallest atom, but no arguments occurred.
Get it in writing. Just as the contract Holly had written about dating earlier got us both over a few rough spots, so have the other contracts the kids and I drew up concerning curfew, grades, and social life. The written words defined our agreements and stopped future arguments. Besides, those contracts helped me remember exactly what I had said.
Achieve an armistice with prayer. Several years ago, it had been another one of those frustrating days when I didn’t need to face two warring youngsters. But as soon as I hit the door, they both wanted to tell their side of the story, namely whose turn it was to get the TV. I sighed and said, “You two must hold secret meetings at night to plan how you can drive me nuts!”
I didn’t even have my coat off yet, but we sat on the carpeted stairs as I listened to both sides of the argument. Then I muttered, “I gotta pray about this.”
Still on the stairs, I started with a simple, “Father, I hate days like this. I identify more with Saul’s craziness than Solomon’s wisdom, so please show me how to solve this.”
Jay and Holly didn’t offer to pray then, and I didn’t make them. They needed space. I sent them to their rooms, said they couldn’t watch TV for the rest of the evening, and added I didn’t want to see them until dinner, thirty minutes later. We’d work out a TV schedule then.
At a mothers’ luncheon where I spoke sometime later, I shared my honest prayer. Afterward, another mother scolded me for not making my children pray aloud right then. She declared she does that all the time and her children never even raise their voices in the house.
She also let me know if I were a truly spiritual mother, my children would have done the right thing immediately. I asked her how old her children are.
“Six and nine,” she answered.
“That’s wonderful,” I said. But what I meant was, “Let’s talk again in about five years.”
Keep working for peace. Truthfully, I didn’t want my children to be little robots. I wanted them to learn to work through problems and see God as their heavenly Father, to whom they can go whether they’re happy or hurting.
Maybe, just maybe, by seeing me turn to the Lord for solutions, my kiddos learned he’s ready to listen to anything.
Prayer: Father God, I’m grateful you want us to invite you into every detail of our lives. Thank you that nothing surprises you, not even the arguments that grow out of our many disappointments and stresses. Help me as a mother to teach my children to identify the true cause of their arguments and then solve each battle peacefully. And help me respond to their arguments with wisdom instead of pouring my own anger into an already tense situation. Again, this prayer boils down to one word: “Help!” And to that I’ll add “Please” and “Thank You.”
Thoughts to Ponder
Personal Ponderings