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I’ve heard that when it’s your time to go, you know. I’ve always expected it to be like the movies where you see the bright white lights and soft music floats down from heaven as you find your way to the loved ones that have passed before you. Everything is so calm and peaceful. That would have been nice.
My head throbbed as I woke up to the sound of someone saying my name over and over. Emma, can you hear me? Please wake up, Emma. You can’t do this to us. Please don’t leave us, Emma. We need you. Man, heaven sure was annoying. Or at least that’s where I wished I was when my eyes scanned the room and landed on John sitting across the room from me.
He hung his head, his wedding ring glistening in the dingy light above him. He was rocking back and forth, chanting something that sounded like, let her be okay, please let her be okay.
“What are you doing?” I tried to ask, my voice weak and rough. His head whipped up as he looked at me, relief washing across his face. And that’s when it hit me.
The accident. The truck that came flying into the side of the car when Charlotte turned to clear the intersection as the light changed to yellow. Panic flooded through me as I tried to remember any details, but there wasn’t anything more than that. Was she okay? What happened? Was anyone else injured? Where was the driver? Was she in the hospital too? Please let her be okay.
He got up and rushed over to the side of my hospital bed, gently reaching down to squeeze my hand that didn’t have an IV sticking out of it.
“Where is she? Is she okay?” I asked, feeling the way his hand fell limp on mine when I asked about her. A tear slid down his face, his eyes red and swollen. He lowered them and looked away, refusing to answer me. My stomach sank when I knew what he was trying to say but couldn’t.
“Is she okay?” I repeated desperately, trying to sit up in the bed. “John... is she...”
He shook his head before covering his face with his hand, his body shaking as he cried.
I pulled my hand away and covered my mouth as I screamed, the tears rushing down my face. I gasped for air as my body crumbled with the grief. John’s hand gently held onto my shoulder as he tried to comfort me.
“That’s not possible,” I stammered between sobs, unable to catch my breath. “She... she... she... has to be... alive.”
I looked up at him, begging for him to tell me that it was a mistake, a misunderstanding of some sort. Instead, he shook his head but didn’t say anything.
“No!” I cried harder, letting my head fall forward. “It’s... all my... fault!”
“What’s all your fault?” a little voice asked.
I looked up, the tears clouding my vision as I saw Lily standing in the doorway, holding a blanket. She looked so little standing there, it didn’t feel like she was ten years old. Her innocent face reminded me of the little girl that still needed her mom. I wiped my face with my hands and tried to pull myself together as I sucked in rapid breaths to replace the oxygen I lacked. My body heaved uncontrollably; my mind unable to process anything other than the fact that my best friend was dead.
“Nothing, sweetie,” John assured her, pulling her close to him as he thanked whoever had brought her up to my room. I couldn’t see much past the tears that were still blurring my eyes.
“Do you want to come say hi?” he asked her, gently rubbing her back as she looked unsure of whether to come any closer. She nodded and took a few steps closer. I had no idea what I looked like and prayed that I didn’t scare her or further traumatize this poor child.
“Hi, Aunt Emma,” she whispered as she stood next to my bed and clutched the blanket to her chest.
“Hey, sweet Lily,” I whispered back, a loud sob escaping my throat while doing my best to give her my bravest smile.
“My mom died,” she said sadly, lowering her chin to her chest.
I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crumbling in front of her. I covered my mouth with my hand and wiped away the fresh tears that were falling.
“Are you going to die too?” She tilted her head, a look of concern etched on her beautiful little face. Her voice cracked, and I saw her struggling not to cry. I scooted over as much as I could and pulled the blanket up, waving my hand for her to sit with me. She gently climbed up onto the bed, making sure not to touch any of the tubing hooked up to me. I was in a decent amount of pain and hadn’t spoken with the doctor yet, so I had no clue what the extent of my injuries were, but that didn’t stop me from pulling her into me and hugging her with everything I had. As far as I was concerned, it was nothing too extreme, or I imagine I would have nurses and doctors flocking to my bed the moment they knew I was awake.
I felt her small body tremble as she cried, her heart breaking along with mine. I cried with her, knowing the pain she was feeling after losing my parents around her age. I would never wish this pain on anyone, let alone a child. I looked up to find John whispering to the nurse at the door, asking her to give us a moment before they came in to talk to me.
I held Lily and rubbed her back, hoping to bring her even an ounce of comfort. I had lived through this pain and knew that there was nothing that could even begin to dull it. It was like a tattoo, permanently embedded inside of you, forever dictating who you were from that point on. Charlotte had gone out of her way to be there for me when I lost my parents, and now it was my turn to do the same for Lily.