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I stood at the podium, my fingers trembling as I looked into the crowd of people with red, swollen faces, wearing all black. I turned to the picture on the table beside me and looked to Charlotte for help. It was one of my favorite pictures of her, taken shortly after she had Lily. She was glowing in this picture, pure happiness radiating from her. Her smile stretched across her face, and big blue eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning.
Seeing the picture was supposed to be helpful, to draw the words out of me that I needed to say. Instead, I felt my throat closing up as I struggled to keep the tears from running down my face. There were so many things that I wanted to say, that I needed to say. But the only words that I could find were the ones that I couldn’t say because no one wanted to hear about how she would still be alive if it weren’t for me.
If I hadn’t been freaking out about what to wear for the interview, she wouldn’t have come by to take me shopping. She would have never been at the strip mall, which meant that she wouldn’t have been at that intersection. Instead, she would have taken a different path to get to Lily’s school, and she would still be here today, smiling as she told us how proud Lily was to show her class the blanket they were making together. Instead, she died on the side of the road after a drunk driver ran a red light and plowed into her car, forcing it around the light pole. She died on impact while I was spared my life and walked away with a few broken ribs, a couple of burns from the airbag, and some minor scratches and bruises.
I felt the anger building inside of me, the same rage that I felt every time I remembered that I lived, and she died. It wasn’t fair. It was beyond unfair. I didn’t have anyone to leave behind—not even a job that I loved. Yet death chose her, the one with the family who adored and needed her. And it pissed me off.
I heard someone clear their throat beside me and looked up to find John standing next to me, his hand resting on my lower back.
“Are you okay?” he whispered, covering the microphone in front of us with his other hand.
“I can’t do this.” I shook my head, gritting my teeth.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to. She knew. Whatever it is you were going to say—she knew.”
My eyes filled with tears as I looked away, frustrated with myself. I owed Charlotte better than this. I needed to get it together and honor her in whatever way I could.
“I’m okay,” I said forcefully, pulling my shoulders back. I had to convince myself first, then maybe he would believe it too.
He nodded and took a step back, staying behind me in case I needed him.
I cleared my throat and slowly pulled in a deep breath.
“Charlotte was the first person to show me what it meant to be there for someone through thick and thin. She saw me at my absolute worst and held me while I cried on the bathroom floor as I grieved the loss of my parents, the only family that I’ve ever had. That was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, and she stepped up and went through it with me. When I was overwhelmed with anger, she took me to the mountains and screamed with me at the top of our lungs until we lost our voices. She spent every holiday with me and silently sat next to me every year on the anniversary of their death when I was too broken to find the words I wanted to say.
“She was there when I opened acceptance letters, nervous that I wouldn’t get into the college that I wanted. I remember her showing up with tequila in one hand and champagne in the other. Luckily, we were only a few shots in before I got the letter I was looking for, and then we switched to champagne. That might have been a disaster if not,” I laughed.
“I was there when she first met John, and she tried to convince me later that she didn’t like him,” I laughed as I glanced over my shoulder to see him laughing with me, shaking his head while looking down at the carpet. “Even when she wouldn’t stop smiling and checking her phone every thirty seconds, she was still trying to pretend that she wasn’t interested. Then, six months later, I was asked to be her maid of honor at their wedding. Five sweet years after that, I was blessed to be one of the first people that they told when they found out she was pregnant. I was so excited to be in the room when Lily was born.” I smiled, remembering that moment and how breathtaking it was to see her bring that sweet baby girl into the world.
I stopped for a moment, getting choked up by the memories. I found Lily sitting in the front row, next to her grandmother, looking up at me with tears in her eyes.
“She prayed every day for you, Lily. There wasn’t anything in life that she wanted more than to be your momma. She was so proud of you, and I hope you always know that.”
She nodded before tucking her head into her grandmother’s shoulder to hide her tears. I switched to a few lighter memories about the fun times we had and how much I loved Charlotte’s adventurous spirit before I wrapped up and joined John in the front row as a few other people got up to share their stories.
The wake was at their house and was put together by his mother when he argued that they didn’t need to have one. He was worried that Lily would already be overwhelmed and exhausted from everything else, and he was right. It was a lot to put on a child, and I understood why he was concerned. But she had insisted, so there he was, wandering around the house, trying to make an effort to thank everyone for coming today.
I spent as much time as I could with Charlotte’s parents before they left since they were the only people I really knew. I had met a handful of women at different events here and there, but no one that I knew well enough to sit and talk to for more than a few minutes. I tried to keep my distance and stayed only to support John and Lily. I didn’t know the majority of his family as they had never been around much in the time that I’d known him. Charlotte had mentioned several times that he wasn’t close to his parents and was even more distant from his extended family. As I moved about the house, I could see why when I heard the hushed whispers when they thought no one was listening.
“Poor John, how’s he going to raise that little girl on his own? Doesn’t he know that she needs a mother?”
“I heard that he’s going to have to step down from his position at work and take a huge pay cut so he can be home to take care of her.”
“Well, if he would just take Sandra up on her offer to move in and help... I don’t see why he’s refusing his mother’s help. She deserves to get to know her granddaughter. It’s only right after her mother kept her away from everyone all these years.”
“I heard that the other girl in the accident wasn’t even injured. Such a freak accident that it killed Charlotte on impact, but her friend escaped with a few broken ribs and some bruises. Something about it seems off if you ask me....”
I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and clenched my fists at my sides as I tried to force myself to walk away and not say anything. If they knew the guilt that I carried with me daily, they might understand that I asked God every day why he didn’t take me instead. If I could have traded places with her, I would have in a heartbeat.
The voices faded behind me as I walked upstairs and made my way to the guest room where I used to stay on occasion. It felt weird to be in there now, knowing that I would never spend the night here again. Those days were over, and I had no idea what would happen with my relationship with John and Lily. I prayed that I wouldn’t lose them too, but I wouldn’t blame them if I did.
I pulled open the French doors to the closet and stopped when I heard sniffling under the coats hanging on the bar. I pushed them to the side and looked down to find Lily curled up with her arms around her knees as she cried. She looked up at me, her face red and splotchy.
“Is there room for me too?” I asked softly.
She nodded and scooted over. I knelt down and climbed in beside her, pushing the suitcases out of the way to make room. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into me as she cried. We sat there in silence for who knows how long before John wandered into the room and stood by the door, smiling when he found us.
“I was looking for you,” he said, coming closer and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Am I in trouble?” Lily asked, wiping her face with her arm.
“Not at all. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” He smiled at her before looking up to smile at me and mouthing thank you. I smiled and squeezed her a little bit tighter.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” she said, resting her chin on her knee. “I just didn’t want to be around all of those people anymore. They wouldn’t stop crying and telling me how I look just like mommy.”
I felt my heart squeeze inside of my chest, remembering that feeling when so-called distant relatives forced themselves into my life after my parents died. When they realized that there wasn’t any life insurance money, they quickly ran for the hills to avoid having to take care of a minor child and deal with a house about to go into foreclosure. My parents were good people—wonderful people, but they sucked at knowing how to manage their money. My mom’s only sister, Willow, adopted me and cared for me before she passed shortly after my eighteenth birthday. Fate was funny like that, keeping someone around long enough to care for me until I was legally responsible for myself before throwing me into the world with no freaking idea of what to do.
“I’m sorry, baby,” John said softly to her. “Everyone is gone now, so why don’t we put on our pajamas and have a pizza and movie night?”
Her face lit up with happiness for the first time that I’d seen since her mom died almost two weeks ago.
“Really?” she asked in disbelief. “But it’s a school night... are you sure we’re allowed to do that?”
He raised an eyebrow at her and folded his arms across his chest.
“Who’s the boss around here?” he teased, his attempt at being serious making her giggle even more. “Besides, I’ve already talked with Ms. Summers and let her know that you’ll be out the rest of this week.”
Her eyes widened at this news before her smile pulled even tighter across her face.
“Now go get your pajamas on, and I’ll order the pizza. Just cheese?”
“Just cheese,” she squealed and got up, giving him a quick high five before she ran out of the room.
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his sandy brown hair falling in his eyes. There was no doubt about it—he needed a haircut. But I imagined that had been the last thing on his mind when planning his wife’s funeral. It was hard enough to find the perfect arrangement to place next to her picture and the urn at the service, but adding additional, unnecessary things was just a waste of time. And time had proven to be incredibly precious.
“How are you holding up?” he asked, looking up at me with exhaustion etched onto his face. He was a handsome man, but I could tell that he hadn’t been sleeping. It was apparent with the dark circles under his usually vibrant green eyes. The light that used to be in them seemed to disappear when Charlotte died, and I didn’t know if I would ever see it again.
“I’m okay,” I said, shrugging one shoulder and pulling my mouth into a crooked smile. “You?”
“Same.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, too tired to do much else. Finally, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number to Lily’s favorite pizza place.
“Do you want the meat lover?” he asked, waiting for them to answer.
“Oh no, I’m going to get out of here in a few minutes. Let you guys enjoy your time together.”
I pushed myself up off the floor, feeling the exhaustion from the past few weeks settling in my bones. Or maybe that was just old age. I was almost forty, but I really thought I had a good stretch ahead of me before I started complaining about the pain in my hips and knees.
Then I had to remind myself that it likely had nothing to do with being forty but instead being the anomaly that happened to survive two horrific car accidents that had taken the lives of everyone I loved, my parents and Charlotte. The doctors had warned me that it might take a few weeks to a few months before I was completely healed and no longer in pain.
“Yeah, can I get a small cheese pizza and a medium meat lover?” John said, holding up his hand to stop me before I could walk off. He answered their questions and gave them his address before hanging up.
“Stay and have dinner with us?” he asked, desperation deep in his eyes. “Please?”
“John,” I sighed sadly. “It’s not that I don’t want to stay—because I do, but I think that you guys need to get back to normal sooner than later and having me here every day isn’t going to help you do that.”
“Do you really think we have a normal at this point?” he asked shyly. My stomach sank, knowing that he was right. Neither of us were trying to be rude or hurt the other, but it sucked, and there was no way around having to deal with the one thing we had been trying to avoid: moving forward.
“No,” I shook my head. “The normal we all knew is gone, and now we have to make our own. But I don’t know if it’s going to be confusing to Lily if I’m constantly here.”
“You’re her Godmother. I don’t think she would mind the company for a little while longer.”
I rubbed my lips together, trying to figure out what the best thing was to do. I loved Lily more than anything, and I knew how vulnerable she was right now. I was the same way when I lost my parents. I couldn’t imagine being alone, and thankfully, I had Charlotte and my aunt to make sure that I was never alone again from that day forward. But Lily didn’t have anyone to do that for her, except for me.
“Okay, I’ll stay for a little while,” I agreed.
I saw the relief flash across John’s face, a shimmer of happiness that faded as quickly as it had appeared. We went downstairs and found Lily sitting on the couch, wearing her Christmas pajamas that matched John and Charlottes from their family photos. She sat there and stared at the tv, tears rolling down her face.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” I asked softly, walking over to sit next to her. I placed my hand on her knee, bringing her attention to me. It was a loaded question given everything that had happened and turned her world upside down.
“I miss mommy,” she cried, the tears falling harder down her face. “I just wish I could see her one last time.”
I looked up to find John standing in the wide doorway that separated the kitchen from the living room, looking at us. He looked completely lost, unsure of what to do. His face scrunched up in anger, his fists balled at his sides—the frustration of not being able to give his daughter what she needed unbearable.
“You know what,” I said, forcing as much excitement as I could in my voice. “I have an idea.”
I jumped up and walked over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room, standing on my tiptoes to see the DVD cases on the top shelf. Finding the one I wanted, I pulled it down and waved it happily in the air.
“How about, instead of watching a regular movie, we watch one of your mom?”
My palms started sweating, wondering if I had overstepped. I felt as desperate as John to make Lily feel better and didn’t think about asking him first. What if this further upset her, and I did more damage than good?
She looked from me to John before asking, “Can we, dad?”
“Of course,” he said quietly, his voice cracking at the end. “That is a great idea, Emma. Thank you.”
I felt the tension leave my body as I got the confirmation from him that I needed. Over the past few weeks, we had developed a new language between the two of us that we used whenever Lily was around. I knew the smile that pulled the corners of his lips up was when he was saying thank you. Just like the one that seemed to require every muscle in his body was the one he forced when he was trying to keep it together and not break down in front of her. Our goal was to be there for her however she needed us, but the problem was that we didn’t actually have a clue what that meant.
Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang, and John passed a wad of cash to the young, freckled face kid who delivered the pizza. Lily and I were cuddled up next to each other under a blanket on the couch, watching the video John had put together for Charlotte as her first Mother’s Day gift. It was a collection of random videos he had taken the first year they had Lily, and watching it broke my heart when I saw how much love she had for that little girl.
A couple of hours later, we had finished the second video, this one of Lily’s first year and the massive birthday party John insisted on throwing her, before she got tired and went upstairs to bed.
“Just leave the mess, and I’ll get to it in the morning,” John said as I helped carry our empty plates and cups into the kitchen. I set them in the sink, stacking them neatly.
“I don’t mind helping now,” I offered, feeling the same anxiety that I felt every night when I left to go to my empty apartment. I had lived on my own for years but not having a daily phone call or random text strings from Charlotte made it abundantly clear just how lonely I was there by myself.
“Na, really, it’s okay.”
He stacked the empty pizza boxes and piled them next to the trash can that still needed to be emptied from the wake. I had offered to do that earlier as well, but he had declined.
“Do you think that it’s a good idea to keep Lily home from school the rest of the week?” I blurted out, surprised that I had decided to bring it up. It had been weighing on my mind all night, but I didn’t want to overstep by questioning his decision.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I feel like nothing I do these days is the right decision, and I really miss having Charlotte here to help me figure all of it out,” he laughed.
I raised an eyebrow at him and smirked.
“Okay, okay,” he said, raising his hands in front of him. “I miss having her do it all for me. There—I said it.”
We laughed together, knowing that it was true. John’s work kept him busy and allowed them to have Charlotte stay home with Lily after she was born. It ended up working out better, having her home with Lily since the only family they stayed in touch with were Charlotte’s parents, who lived in New Jersey.
“She did so much, and I never thanked her enough for it,” he admitted sadly.
I lowered my head, trying to force the tears away before he could see them.
“Charlotte knew how much you appreciated her, John. She adored you more than you could ever know.”
“Well, hopefully, she can start giving me some tips from heaven before I screw everything up.”
I pulled the barstool out from under the island and sat down.
“I don’t ever want to overstep, so please tell me if I do. But I think that Lily would do better if she were to go back to school and not miss so much. I know that you’ve already excused her for the rest of this week, and I get why you did it, but she’s already having a hard time there. So, I wouldn’t make it worse for her.”
He ran a hand down his face and paused.
“What do you mean she’s having a hard time?”
“Didn’t Charlotte talk to you about it?” I suddenly felt guilty for talking to him about something that I knew she had planned on telling him. It didn’t feel like it was my place to let him know what was going on, but there weren’t any other options given the circumstances. He shook his head no, his arms folded across his chest as he waited for me to tell him.
“Lily has been having trouble with a few of the girls in her class. It’s the typical pre-teen drama, but Charlotte was working with the teacher to try to figure out how to make it stop.”
“Stop what?”
“They were bullying her. Making fun of her for being a momma’s girl. Things like that.”
My heart broke saying the words, knowing how cold and callous girls that age could be. What if she went back to school, and they were worse now? If they said even one word about Charlotte, I would be the one down there beating their ass, and that wasn’t something that I wanted to happen.
“She didn’t tell me,” he said, the frustration filling the room.
“I know she was going to. She might not have had a chance....”
I looked away, unable to finish the sentence.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to her teacher tomorrow.”
I forced a smile and started to stand up when he walked around and pulled the stool beside me out and sat at the end of the island.
“Did you ever hear anything about that job you were supposed to interview for?” he asked, changing the subject.
Not that it was a better subject, it just shifted the pain from his side to mine.
“After I explained why I didn’t make it to the first interview, they were kind enough to give me a second one, but I don’t think I’m going to get the job.”
The interview was yesterday, and I struggled the entire day trying to get my head right before I got there.
“Why not,” he pressed.
“Well,” I laughed. “Because I burst into tears the moment I sat down, and they asked me why I wanted to be their creative marketing manager. I didn’t mean to break down, but I couldn’t get Charlotte and the accident out of my head, and so I just sat there and cried the first fifteen minutes while they looked at me like I was crazy.”
“I’m sorry, I know how much you wanted it.”
“It’s okay. I blame the outfit,” I joked, trying to make light of it.
“What did you wear?”
“The same outfit that I’ve worn to every interview this month. It’s like the annihilation of my career. I wear that outfit, and everything I touch crumbles.”
“Again—what in the hell did you wear?” he laughed, finding humor in my misery. I laughed with him, covering my mouth when the giggling started to get louder.
“My black dress slacks and a black button shirt. It’s not a terrible outfit,” I justified. “It’s professional without being flashy.”
“Well, at least it wasn’t the bumblebee outfit....” He smirked.
“You know about that?” I groaned, covering my face with my hands while making a note to get rid of that damn yellow shirt.
“I know everything.” He winked.
“At least one of us does,” I laughed, not finding as much humor in it when the truth slapped me in the face that I had no idea what I was doing with my life anymore. Before, I used to have Charlotte to talk things out with and get advice from, and now I had no one. That was a hard pill to swallow.