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The rest of the week passed by painfully slow as I tried my best to stay out of John and Lily’s hair for a few days. I knew that it was comfortable when we all spent time together and that it almost dulled the pain of Charlotte being gone, but I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by keeping up our little routine. It had been nearly three weeks since she passed, and we needed to make the transition of John and Lily being on their own before it was too late. Rip the Band-Aid off while the pain was still fresh, and so you wouldn’t have to feel it again later.
My apartment was still eerily quiet, and even with the constant stream of rom-com movies blaring through it, I still felt the void of not talking to Charlotte every day. I couldn’t remember a single day that we hadn’t spoken since we were little girls, other than in seventh grade when she found out that I liked the new boy at school, and I hadn’t told her before she found out from Sandy Pickler. Sandy was always such a bitch, trying to start drama wherever she could.
By Monday, I was crying in my coffee, feeling myself on the verge of another breakdown when I opened my mail to another rejection letter. I had yet to hear anything from Marshall Advertising, which was the job I really wanted, but I knew that crying through my interview probably wasn’t the best way to win them over. I glanced over at the outfit that Charlotte had bought me to wear for that interview, still in the bag with the tags on it because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with it.
I flipped through the rest of the mail, ignoring the junk mail. I was about to toss everything to the side when a letter slipped out between the sale ads and fell into my lap. My stomach knotted as I opened it, knowing what it was before I even read it. There was no address or return address on it, just my name scribbled in black ink with three lines marked underneath it.
The knot in my stomach turned sour as I read the eviction notice, demanding that I be out of my apartment in two weeks. As if I had somewhere else magically lined up to move to or some fancy job that would pay me the two months’ worth of rent that I owed. After receiving the first warning, I reached out to the landlord and explained my situation, but it fell on deaf ears. Since then, I had been living off the severance pay from my last job—which was a very generous package, but I knew that it would run out soon.
My goal was to be aggressive and nail the interview with BayView Advertising and become their next Creative Marking Director. They had been the direct competition of the company that I had worked for before they had to eliminate a few positions—mine included, so I knew their salaries were comparable, given how many of our employees they had attracted.
I tossed the letter to the side and rubbed my temples with my fingers, praying that the tension headache that had been haunting me for days would give me one day of relief. There were plenty of things to worry about—eviction included, but I couldn’t think about any of them right now. Everything felt overwhelmingly out of control, and I had no idea where to start trying to pick up the pieces as my life crumbled around me.
My cell phone rang, startling me, as I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. I looked down to find John’s name on the caller ID. Suddenly, I panicked, worried that something had happened to Lily on her first day back at school.
“Hey,” I answered, chewing my fingernail anxiously.
“Hi,” he said heavily. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to ask for a favor.”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I’m a total bonehead and spaced that Lily had volleyball practice after school today, and unfortunately, she gets done right when I have a meeting that I have to attend. Is there any way that you could pick her up for me?”
I drew in a long breath, allowing my nerves a moment to calm down.
“Of course,” I agreed. “Did you already call the school to let them know?”
“Not yet, but I’ll call them right now and let them know. Thank you, I owe you big time.”
He sounded relieved when he hung up, which made me feel somewhat better that I had been able to help him. I was still feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with everything falling apart around me, but I pushed all of that aside and got ready to go pick Lily up.
I waited in the parking lot, standing next to the light pole with my sunglasses blocking out the harsh sun that was beating down on me. It was unseasonably warm for the end of April, and the local meteorologist confirmed that it was only going to get warmer this week. I groaned when I thought about the flocks of people who would soon start making their way down and crowding the nearby beaches.
I closed my eyes for a second, daydreaming about what it would be like to take a vacation. To have the money to say screw it all! and live vicariously for a few weeks without a care in the world. Images of walking down the beach with a cold drink in my hand were interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and turned to look at the young woman, probably in her late twenties, smiling the fakest smile I had ever seen.
“Hi, we don’t allow visitors on campus without checking in first,” she said with a whiney tone, pressing her hands together as her face scrunched in a phony apology.
“Sorry, I didn’t know that I had to check in since school was out for the day. I’m here to pick up Lily Wright. Her dad, John, called earlier to let them know I was coming.”
She narrowed her eyes slightly as she stepped back and looked at me as if I wasn’t what she was expecting.
“Yes, well, John needs to call earlier next time so they can make sure we all get the message.”
“And you are?” I asked, pushing my sunglasses back up my nose.
“I’m Ms. Summers, Lily’s teacher.”
I bit down on my lower lip, trying to hold my tongue so I didn’t say something I would regret. Instead, I turned my head to the crowd of girls who were finishing up and running inside to put their gear away.
“Are you going to be picking Lily up from now on?” Ms. Summers probed, her tone still getting under my skin.
“When they need me to,” I replied stiffly.
“Well, then, I feel it’s best to let you know that Lily is falling behind on her schoolwork, and perhaps it’s not in her best interest for her to miss any more school this year.” She folded her arms over her fake boobs and shifted herself to stand directly in front of me. “We wouldn’t want to have a negative impact on her schooling, now, would we?”
I watched as the group of girls walked out of the gym and found Lily, walking by herself with her head down and her backpack pulled tightly across her back as she held onto the straps. Behind her was a group of girls, whispering and laughing as they looked in her direction.
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to interfere with the bullying that she goes through daily, now, would we?” I snapped, pulling my glasses off my face so she could see my eyes. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I better get her home so I can teach her all of the things that she sure as hell didn’t learn in your class today.”
I slid my glasses back on my face and pushed around her, not waiting to hear if she had a comeback. The school year was almost over, and Lily didn’t have anyone to stand up for her. While I hated the idea that I might have made things harder for her with her teacher, I hoped that for once, I would catch a break and Ms. Summers would mind her business and do her job. There were only four weeks left until school was out, which gave me some comfort that Lily wouldn’t have to put up with too much for too long. June 1st couldn’t come soon enough. Then she would be free of all this drama and have the summer to be a kid again.
I glanced over my shoulder to see the girls rush over to her, smiles on their faces as she walked with them out to the other parking lot. And now it all made sense as to why she hadn’t stopped the bullying. She was the damn ringleader.
“Hey!” I said excitedly as Lily got closer. My heart thumped in my chest when I saw the smile on her face when she saw me standing there, waiting for her.
“What are you doing here?” She ran the rest of the way over and wrapped her arms around my waist.
“Your dad had a work meeting that he couldn’t get out of, so he asked if I could come pick you up.”
Her features changed as the disappointment etched on her face.
“He always has meetings,” she mumbled and pulled the straps, adjusting the position of her backpack.
“I know,” I said softly. “But that means that you and I get to spend some time together this afternoon until he gets home,” I offered, gently nudging her with my arm as we walked side by side to my car. I wondered how long it would be until I had to get rid of it with everything else.
“Are you going to stay for dinner?” she asked, looking up at me as the sun slightly blinded her.
I hated answering this question because it didn’t feel like there was a correct answer. If I said yes, then I felt like I was forcing my way into their lives and not letting them find their own groove. If I said no, I risked hurting their feelings and making them think that I didn’t want to spend time with them.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly as we got to the car. “But, if you want, I can help you make dinner tonight. It would be a nice surprise for your dad when he gets home.”
She climbed into the car and set her backpack on the floor in front of her. I was waiting for her to answer, and she knew it as she dramatically did everything in slow motion, from buckling her seatbelt to turning to look at me.
“On one condition,” she said, tapping her finger to her chin.
“What’s that?” I asked, one eyebrow raised suspiciously.
“We make pizza.”
I let out a laugh, enjoying the brief happiness.
“Fine, we’ll make pizza.” I pretended to groan and make a big deal out of it as I turned the key and started the car. Then, suddenly, I had a flashback of the accident with Charlotte, and I froze. My hand hovered over the shifter, unable to do anything, when I thought about what would happen if I were in an accident with Lily. What if I were the catalyst in every single equation and had somehow been the cause of the accidents and yet survived each one?
“What’s wrong?” she asked, fear echoing in the air around us.
I whipped my head to look at her, unable to pretend like something wasn’t wrong. Her eyes found mine, searching for any clues as to what had frightened me.
“Nothing,” I lied, my voice hoarse as it burned from the strain of trying to keep it together.
“Are you afraid that we’ll get in a car accident?”
Any resolve I had at that point vanished. I nodded as the tears slid down my face, burning the already raw skin from crying.
“I’m sorry, sweetie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just had a quick moment where I—”
“Had a panic attack,” she finished for me calmly. “My therapist says that they’re normal, but they don’t ever happen to me. She told me what to look out for, in case I have one. But I haven’t yet.”
I leaned back against the seat and studied her. She was so brave for her age, and I tried to remember what I was like as a ten-year-old who had just lost my parents. Here she was, looking like she had all the answers to the world. For all I knew, I was probably a hot mess who didn’t know what day it was as I tried to figure out life without them. But then again, that could be said about me these days too. Losing Charlotte sent me back into the same tailspin that I was in when I was Lily’s age, and I still didn’t know how to handle the loss of someone I loved any better than I did back then.
“You have a therapist?” I asked, wondering when she had started seeing one. John had mentioned that he wanted to set up an appointment for her, but I hadn’t heard anything more about it when we talked last week.
“Yeah, I just started seeing her last week. Daddy took me on Friday, and then we went to dinner after. I think he wants to do it every Friday because that’s the only day that he doesn’t work late. He promised that he won’t be working late anymore now that mommy’s gone, but I don’t think that’s true.”
“You never know, your dad has a habit of surprising people,” I laughed, remembering how wild and adventurous he and Charlotte had been when they first met.
“I’ll believe that when I see it!” she chuckled.
The change in conversation helped calm my nerves as I drove us to Lily’s house and helped her with the small amount of homework she had. She was an intelligent kid, and I had been telling Charlotte and John for years that she needed to be in a gifted class, but the school didn’t want to test her. Even after missing almost a week worth of school, she had already caught up on everything she missed and was ahead of most of the other students in her class, despite what her teacher had just tried to tell me. I went over Lily’s work with her and confirmed that she didn’t have any other assignments that she was missing. It was at that moment that I hated her teacher even more.
Around five o’clock, we started getting the stuff together to make pizza. I was worried that John would lose track of time and not get home until eight or nine like he usually did. So, I sent him a quick text, letting him know that Lily was making him dinner tonight and to please be on time so he didn’t ruin her surprise. He texted back, confirming he would be home by six, and asked if I wanted to join them for dinner. I gave him the same answer that I had given Lily: I don’t know.
Why was that such a hard thing to decide? It was dinner with my friend and his daughter. MY goddaughter... Yet, I still felt like I didn’t belong in the picture anymore. Now that Charlotte was gone, I wasn’t sure that there was a place for me anymore.
I was relieved when I heard the front door open, right at six o’clock. Lily’s mouth curved into a smile as she danced excitedly around the kitchen. The dining room table was set, and per Lily’s request, a glass of red wine was waiting for John at his seat. She had asked if I wanted a glass as well, but I still couldn’t force myself to make a decision.
“Something smells amazing!” he exclaimed as he walked into the kitchen and pulled Lily into him for a hug. I looked away, feeling out of place watching them. It felt too personal, too much like being part of their family if I sat here and felt the love between them.
“We made pizza!” Lily said, pulling him by his hand over to the oven. He bent down and looked inside, a smile tugging at the side of his lips as she walked him through all of the toppings she had put on his pizza before explaining that the little pizza was just for her.
“Looks like you did a great job,” he replied, patting her on the back. “And you did too, Emma,” he added as he turned to look at me. “Thank you again for picking Lily up for me. I owe you one.”
“Don’t worry about it. We’ve had a wonderful time together this afternoon, and she even let me help her decorate your pizza,” I laughed.
“My pizza? You’re not staying for dinner?”
They both looked at me, the disappointment on their faces crashing into my heart and pulling on every single string.
“I don’t want to impose,” I said quietly, looking away.
“It’s not imposing when you were invited.”
“Yeah, we invited you, duh,” Lily chimed in.
I looked over to find her sticking her tongue out at me.
“Well then, it would be my honor,” I joked, standing up and curtsying.
“I’ll get you some wine,” John offered after scanning the table and spotting the glass Lily had asked me to pour for him.
“Thank you.”
We sat and ate in silence for the most part, with Lily telling us about her first day back at school and how she didn’t want to play volleyball anymore. I felt that it had nothing to do with the sport itself but with the girls on the team.
“It seems rather sudden,” John said carefully. “Are you sure you want to quit?”
“Yeah, I don’t think volleyball is fun anymore.” She shrugged and studied her pizza, taking a bite to avoid having to discuss it any further.
“Well, if you’re sure,” he sighed, gripping the side of his plate. “I’ll figure out a way to change my schedule around at work so I can be there to pick you up.”
Lily’s eyes jumped up with excitement, and I knew that she thought this meant that he would be home with her in the afternoons after school.
“I can always take a late lunch to come pick you up, then head back to the office,” he added quietly as if talking to himself.
Just as quick as the excitement came, it vanished with his words.
“I’m done. May I be excused?” she said with a slight quiver.
“Sure... I guess if you’re done...”
Lily pushed away from the table, stormed out of the kitchen, running up the stairs before slamming her door shut. John lowered his head and closed his eyes.
“What did I miss?” he asked without looking at me.
“She thought you were going to change your schedule so you could pick her up from school, then be home with her in the afternoons.”
“It’s not that easy,” he huffed, scrubbing a hand down his face. He opened his eyes and looked at me. The same tiredness that I had seen right after Charlotte died somehow took up a permanent residence with the dark circles that sat right above his cheekbones.
“I would love to be able to cut my hours at work so I could come home and take care of her every day, but I can’t. Not yet anyway.”
“I know,” I assured him.
“I’ve worked for years to get to where I am within the company, and unfortunately, the title of vice president comes with far more responsibilities and late hours. If I’m going to change either of those, that means that I have to step down, and we can’t afford that. So, I’m in a bind, and I have no freaking clue what to do.”
“At least you have a job to worry about,” I snorted. “I’m soon to be homeless and won’t have a penny to my name.”
I said the words before I thought them through. My cheeks immediately burned with embarrassment as his face changed from frustration to pity.
“Why will you be homeless?” he asked, leaning forward.
“It’s nothing,” I fibbed.
“Emma...”
I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, trying to find a way to move the attention away from me. Finally, after a few minutes of awkward silence and John still staring at me, I gave in.
“Fine, I got an eviction notice today. I have to be out in two weeks. And given that I’ve yet to find a job, I can’t pay the two months’ worth of rent that I owe, let alone my car payment that I’m also behind on.”
I waited for him to start his lecture about how I was an adult who should have known better or to go on about how much things have changed in the job world since I first got hired on at my last job fifteen years ago.
“Shit,” he muttered, lifting his wine glass to take a drink. “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
“It’s fine,” I said, even though it wasn’t. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out. It’s just been weighing heavily on my mind all day, and I have no idea what I’m going to do. The good thing is that my car is big enough to hold most of my stuff, and I’m hoping that I can sell whatever doesn’t fit.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed, setting his glass back down on the table.
“I’m not,” I laughed. “I’m one hundred percent serious.”
I lifted my glass of wine and tossed back what was left. We sat there for a few minutes, drinking our wine and worrying about our problems.
“I have an idea,” he exclaimed excitedly, leaning across the table to take my hand. “Move in with us!”
I pulled my head back in surprise and narrowed my eyes. He had to be out of his mind.
“John, I don’t need the pity but thank you—”
“It’s not pity,” he interrupted. “It’s a win/win situation. You get a place to live—rent-free, and I have someone here with Lily in the afternoons after school until I can figure out my work schedule.”
“But what am I supposed to do when I find a job? Lily still needs someone to pick her up and be here with her. I can’t guarantee that a new employer would have that kind of flexibility with me—or that I would even be on this side of town and could make everything in time.”
His eyes lit up as another idea ran through his mind.
“What if I hired you? Like as a nanny? You can live here with us and help me take care of Lily. I’ll pay you for helping out so then you don’t have to worry about finding a job right away, and you’ll be helping Lily and me.”
I tapped my fingers nervously on the table.
“I don’t know, John. Do you really think this is a good idea? We’ve already been blurring the line so much with how often I’ve been hanging out since Charlotte passed. What if Lily starts to get the wrong impression about why I’m here all of the time?”
“It’s a great idea, and I think Lily would be fully on board with it. If I don’t hire you to be her nanny, then I’m going to have to hire someone else, and that’s even more disruption in her life. Plus, you already have your own room here anyway, and I know how much you love that room.”
He was right. I did love that room. Hell, I loved everything about this house. It was the only place that I felt calm and relaxed, even without having Charlotte around. It was warm and inviting, and I desperately needed something to ease the loneliness I felt.
“Okay,” I said shakily—half excited, and half scared that this was a terrible idea. “I’ll do it.”