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I couldn’t tell if I hated myself more for absentmindedly flirting with John or for giving in to my guilt and showing up at their house at nine o’clock on a Monday night. I should have said no and given myself time to stop and process what was happening before I just jumped in, but something about how Lily looked in the picture pulled at my heart and wouldn’t let me say no. There was nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for her.
“Hey,” John said as he opened the door and stepped to the side.
“Hi,” I mumbled as I walked inside and adjusted the duffle bag that I had rushed to pack. I didn’t even know if I bothered to pack an outfit that matched for tomorrow, but it didn’t matter at this point. I was here, and there was no backing out now that I looked up and saw Lily heading my way.
“Aunt Emma!” She ran over and wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me as tight as she could.
“Hey, sweet Lily,” I said softly, rubbing her back.
“Thank you for coming tonight instead of tomorrow,” she said excitedly, pulling away to look at me. “I was so excited when dad told me that you’re moving in with us, and I couldn’t wait for you to start. Plus, I thought maybe you could take me to school tomorrow so daddy can go to work early and be home on time for dinner. And then we can cook for him again like we did today!”
Her baby blue eyes were sparkling with excitement as she talked. I smiled at her while carefully catching John’s eye and raised an eyebrow. The last thing that I wanted to do was give Lily the wrong impression of why I was there and my role. She was still in such a vulnerable state right now that I didn’t want her to entertain the idea that I could replace what she was missing with her mom.
She was still talking, going a mile a minute, as I tried to listen and keep up.
“You can plan everything out in the morning,” John laughed, giving me a reassuring smile. “Let’s let Emma get settled in tonight, and then we’ll all have breakfast before I have to go to work.”
“Okay, fine.” Lily’s shoulders slumped for half of a second before she turned to face him. “But can we make chocolate chip pancakes in the morning?!”
“Deal,” he agreed with a playfully stern tone. “Now, get to bed before I change my mind.”
“Alright,” Lily sighed, reaching up to hug him. “Goodnight, daddy.” She kissed his cheek and then walked over to me. “Goodnight, Aunt Emma.”
I wrapped my arms around her, returning the warm hug she was giving me.
“Goodnight, sweetie.”
I waited until she went upstairs to her room before turning my attention to John. I folded my arms over my chest and waited for him to talk. His cheeks flushed red for a brief moment before he coughed to clear his throat and turned away.
“Since when do you make chocolate chip pancakes?” I asked after a few minutes of silence. I could tell that there was another reason that he wanted me to come over tonight, and it wasn’t just because Lily had insisted.
“It’s one of the few things that I’ve known how to cook for a while now,” he laughed. “And thankfully, it’s also one of her new favorites. So, I guess it’s a win-win.”
“So, I gave up my comfortable bed in my apartment tonight for chocolate chip pancakes? You know, I could have come over in the morning and saved everyone the hassle tonight.”
He looked down with a sheepish smile on his face.
“I know. I’m sorry that I pushed so hard for you to come over tonight. But honestly, I didn’t know what else to do.”
He ran a hand down his face and blew out a long breath.
“Why? What happened? Is something wrong with Lily?” I could hear the panic in my voice as I started to worry.
“No, no,” he assured me quickly. “Lily is fine. Everything is fine. There’s just this issue at—”
“Work,” I finished for him, fully understanding what was happening. The only emergencies—other than Charlotte’s accident—were related to something at his work.
“I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve already crossed the line, and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I asked you to move in and help me. But unfortunately, there’s a deal that I’ve been working on, and things are starting to go south, which means that I may have to go into the office before Lily is even awake tomorrow. I didn’t know what else to do....”
His voice trailed off, and I felt the pull in my heart as I fought the urge to reach out and comfort him.
“It’s fine, John. I agreed to help out however I can, and I meant it.”
I shoved my hands into my pockets to keep the urge away. He looked so stressed out and overwhelmed. Maybe I had been too lost in my own thoughts earlier that I hadn’t noticed the dark bags under his eyes or the way his face looked thinner? Had he been eating? Was he getting enough sleep? I had to remind myself that it wasn’t my place to worry about him. I had agreed to help with Lily. To get her to and from school and help her with her homework when she needed it. John wasn’t my responsibility, except for the silent promise that I had made to Charlotte that I would take care of both of them. The problem was that the lines were now starting to blur, and I couldn’t tell where they were before crossing them.
We didn’t bother staying up late to hash out the details on anything; we just went our separate ways and got ready for bed. While I thought it would feel weird to stay in the guest room without having Charlotte here, it was surprisingly more calming than my apartment had been. Maybe it was because this had always felt like home to me? Or because I had pictures of us on the wall to look at? Either way, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in almost a month since she passed.
The next morning, I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing and the sweet aroma of pancakes floating upstairs. I rolled over and picked up my phone from the nightstand to check the time. It was almost six o’clock, which meant that I had an hour to get Lily up and ready for school. I got out of bed and walked down the hall to her bedroom, surprised to find her already gone.
I made a quick pitstop in the bathroom before going downstairs to find John and Lily in the kitchen. He was standing at the stove, already dressed for work in a designer suit that shouldn’t be anywhere near the stove. I leaned against the doorway and watched as Lily sang a song, and he danced while she carefully poured three glasses full of orange juice. Just as I was about to walk in, she turned around and saw me. Her face brightened as her smile stretched across her cheeks.
She was still in her pajamas with her hair in a lopsided ponytail. Thankfully, it wouldn’t take long to get ready since her school required uniforms, and she was never fond of fancy hairdos.
“Good morning,” John said as he turned around and saw me standing there. “Breakfast is ready.”
“Morning,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I wasn’t a morning person, and this was early for me.
“Not good?” he questioned with a quirked brow.
“Good comes after I’ve had a cup of coffee,” I mumbled, padding into the kitchen. Lily pulled a seat out for me at the table and then sat down right beside me. “Maybe two cups,” I added as John reached beside me to set the plate of pancakes on the table. He walked off and chuckled as I heard him grab a coffee mug from the cabinet.
A few minutes later, he returned with a hot cup of coffee and set it down in front of me before returning to the stove. I watched Lily serve herself a pancake before adding one to my plate. I smiled and said thank you, wondering what John was doing and whether he was going to join us.
He opened the oven door, and a heavenly aroma filled the room. I turned to see what it was when I saw him pull out a cast-iron skillet, setting it on the trivet next to the stove before reaching down to grab something else. He looked more comfortable in the kitchen than I had ever seen him, and suddenly I questioned whether I knew him as well as I thought I did.
With potholders on his hands, he carried over the skillet and carefully put it on the trivet in the middle of the table. I leaned forward, slightly standing to get a better look as he walked back to grab the other dish. The steam was floating around the perfectly cooked quiche that was making my mouth water. I had been expecting pancakes, yet here he was, pulling out all the stops for a gourmet breakfast.
He came back, setting a plate of bacon down next to the pancakes before he sat at the head of the table. I felt like my jaw was hanging open as I sat there in awe.
“I thought you couldn’t cook anything other than hotdogs and pancakes?” I asked in disbelief, scanning the table of food once more to make sure I wasn’t dreaming it.
“While I do make a mean wiener and some killer pancakes, I also know a thing or two about cooking. I just never cooked much before because Charlotte always handled it.” His face fell after he said it, and he glanced over at Lily. The mention of her name was enough to darken any room because her absence was that terrible.
“Well, thank you for breakfast,” I said, clearing my throat as I tried to talk past the stinging pain. I refused to let Lily see me cry if I could help it. “What about work?” I asked carefully, unsure of how much he had told Lily. We both knew that his insane schedule was hard for her, and even though I was there to help out and keep her company, it could never replace the void she felt from him always being gone.
“Thankfully, everything was resolved this morning,” he answered as he cut into the quiche before scooping a serving onto Lily’s plate. “And, I don’t think I’ll have to work late tonight either.”
This news earned him a bright smile from Lily as she took a bite of pancake.
“That’s great,” I chirped, handing him my plate when he asked for it. The quiche was too hot to lift, so he was serving everyone. “Just let me know what time you think you’ll be home, and we’ll get dinner started.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he replied, his eyes meeting mine before he looked down and took a bite. I turned my attention to my food and enjoyed the meal.
Thirty minutes later, I was helping clean up in the kitchen while Lily rushed upstairs to get ready. John had already left for work, and it felt weird to be in their house alone, without him or Charlotte. I had been here plenty of times to watch Lily while they went out, but it was different now. I was still trying to wrap my head around everything when Lily came downstairs, dressed in her uniform, with her hair brushed and pulled back behind a headband.
I was impressed with how easily she got herself ready without needing any of my help. Then I reminded myself that she would be a teenager soon, which would mean that she didn’t want anyone’s help. I vaguely remembered those days and felt a stab of pain when I thought about growing up with Charlotte and how much fun we had.
“Are you ready?” I asked, trying to push the thoughts away.
“Yeah, but we still have a few minutes if you want to take a quick shower,” she said, eyeing me suspiciously.
I looked down at the t-shirt and sweatpants I was wearing, then held my hands out and looked at her.
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
She gave me a look that all kids give their parents when they’re trying to tell them that they’re not cool anymore. Then, her eyes wandered up to my hair which had me reaching a hand up to fix it.
“Nothing, I guess. But you can always drop me off by the bus stop if you want to. I don’t mind walking.”
I could hear the laughter in her voice as I acted appalled that she would say such a thing.
“Just for that, I’m walking you to your classroom,” I teased as I walked out of the kitchen and grabbed my purse and car keys from the table by the door.
I heard her groan and mumble something about why I couldn’t be a cool aunt. I tried to keep the laughter inside as I made a mental note to get up earlier tomorrow to shower and get ready before taking her to school. The poor kid had enough problems to deal with, including the shitty mean girls walking past as we drove up. I wasn’t going to add to it.
After I dropped her off—by the bus stop—I went back to their house, unsure of what I should be doing. John and I hadn’t talked about the plan or what he wanted me to do while Lily was in school. Hell, we hadn’t even talked about what he was going to pay me. Not that I wanted his money. Truthfully, I was thankful to have a roof over my head and not have to worry about being evicted from my apartment. It was an added bonus that I got to spend time with the two people who I truly loved and adored.
But that also didn’t take care of the monthly bills that I had or the car payment that I needed to pay before they came to repossess it. I hated talking about money, and even more so with John. It felt gross and icky. Like, how do you even negotiate something like this? I was happy to help them for free, but my monthly bills argued that I couldn’t afford that price.
I went into the kitchen and finished cleaning up from this morning. The least that I could do while I was there waiting for Lily to get out of school was to clean the house for them. It would be one less thing for him to worry about and more time that he would get to spend with his daughter.
A few hours later, I had already swept and mopped, ran the dishwasher and unloaded it, emptied the trash and took it out to the trashcan in the garage, and finished all the laundry and laid it on their beds. But I wasn’t comfortable putting it away, so I left it until I could talk to John about it.
By noon, I sat down to take a quick break and was watching some random soap opera on tv when John called.
“How’s it going?” he asked.
“I’ve gotten a lot done around the house, but we do need to sit down later and go over things in more detail,” I said, keeping it vague. I knew that he was likely calling me while on his lunch break, but that could be interrupted and over at any moment.
“Sounds good, we’ll talk after dinner. But you don’t have to stay there all day if there’s stuff you need to do at your apartment. I know that you probably need to start packing soon.”
I hadn’t even thought about that. I had no idea where I would store my stuff or whether I was even keeping it. Of course, I could always sell the more oversized items—like furniture that I don’t need, but then again, I didn’t have much of that either. My apartment was small, and I was never one to collect or hoard stuff. If I didn’t wear it or use it in a six-month window, I got rid of it.
“That’s a good idea. I hadn’t even thought about that,” I admitted, chewing on my nail.
“Well, start packing what you want to bring over to the house with you, and I’ll help you move it later.”
Just as I was going to say something, I heard someone come into his office and interrupt.
“I gotta go,” he said apologetically. “We’ll talk tonight.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond before he hung up. I leaned back against the couch and took a deep breath, trying to force myself to focus. Everything around me was changing so fast that I could hardly see straight.