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Two weeks flew by, and before I knew it, I was officially out of my apartment and situated in my new room at John’s house. The schedule that Lily and I had set up together seemed to be working well, and I had gotten used to getting up earlier in the morning. It was funny how productive I felt when I was already showered and ready to go by six-thirty every morning, even on the weekends.
Lily had stuck to her decision to quit volleyball, so I picked her up every day right after school let out. We usually stopped by the grocery store to pick up stuff to make for dinner on our way home. I found that she was more particular about fresh fruits and vegetables than anyone I had ever met. We would wait in line at the meat counter, so Lily could discuss the options she had in mind for that night’s menu. While I thought it would be easier to buy a week’s worth of groceries on Monday, she balked at the idea and said that we should focus on putting fresh food into our bodies.
John seemed to enjoy dinner every night and the effort that we put into it. He agreed to restock the wine selection, per Lily’s request, when we started running low. She was in love with the idea of having her own kitchen, and that meant gourmet meals and wine for dinner. Granted, I was convinced that she was only pushing for the wine because it meant that she was allowed to have a Shirley Temple filled with maraschino cherries.
I enjoyed cooking and found that it was rather peaceful and not as chaotic as I had found it before when I used to try to cook for myself. Maybe it was because Lily enjoyed it so much and took the lead, or perhaps it was because I found myself desperate to do anything that made her happy.
It was finally Friday, and I was looking forward to the weekend. The weather was supposed to be nice, and I had thought about asking John and Lily if they wanted to go to Santa Cruz for a quick getaway. Lily had spent the afternoon up in her room after I picked her up from school. She seemed to be in a bad mood, so I was trying to give her some space. Unfortunately, two weeks wasn’t long enough to prepare me for the mood swings of a pre-teen.
My phone vibrated with a text message from John, confirming that he would have to work late tonight. He asked me to apologize to Lily and suggested that we order a pizza and start our weekly movie night without him. I shot him back a quick reply, letting him know that I would tell her. I didn’t bother lecturing him on being late and missing movie night. He already knew how she would take it.
I walked up the stairs and to her room, knocking lightly on her door. I waited a few minutes for her to answer, then banged harder when she didn’t. Finally, the door pushed open, creaking a little in the process. I peeked my head inside, trying to make sure that I didn’t startle her when I found her sitting on her bed, crying.
“Lily,” I said softly, not sure if she had heard me. I walked over to the bed and sat down. I placed my arm on her leg while she covered her face in her hands. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
Sitting on her lap was the blanket that she had been working on with Charlotte before she died. The same one that she took to show and tell, even though she insisted she was too old to participate in it anymore.
Her shoulders shook as she continued to cry. I scooted over and crawled up the side of the bed to sit next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. I held her while she cried and waited until her sobs softened. She wiped her face with her hands and looked up at me.
I didn’t ask her what was wrong. I saw the knitting needle sitting in her lap with the ball of yarn and knew.
“I don’t remember how to do it,” she cried, covering her face again. “I wanted to finish the blanket, and I don’t know how—”
Her body buckled under the weight of her grief as she cried harder. She turned into me and wrapped her arms around me as tight as she could.
“Shhh,” I whispered in her ear, rubbing her back as I tried to hold my tears inside. “It’s okay, I promise.”
I waited for her to catch her breath and continued to rub her back. She pulled away and folded her hands in her lap as she looked down at the partial blanket. Her breathing was ragged as her body continued to shake in response.
“Your mom and I used to knit together when we were your age,” I said softly, smiling at the memory. “I can teach you if you’d like?”
Her head whipped up as she looked at me in disbelief.
“You know how to knit?” She sniffled, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. I reached behind her and pulled a tissue out of the box on her nightstand.
“I do,” I nodded. “And I’m happy to teach you so you can finish your blanket.”
She sucked in a breath and looked down at it as she struggled with her answer.
“It’s only if you want me to,” I added cautiously, “and whenever you’re ready. Just let me know, and I’d be more than happy to help.”
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and wondered if it was another update from John. There was no way that I could unload the other bad news on her now, not while she was already having a hard time. I ignored my phone and gave her my full attention as she looked up at me.
“I would like for you to teach me. Please,” she said with enough sadness to break my heart all over again.
“Of course, sweetie. I would love to.”
She reached down and gathered the yarn and needle, passing it over to me. My fingers trembled slightly as I took it from her. I set it in my lap and then lifted the blanket to see what kind of stitch they had been using. While we had knitted a lot when we were younger, Charlotte continued with it longer than I had, and I prayed that she hadn’t been using some complicated stitch that I wouldn’t know how to do.
I was relieved when I saw how basic it was. My heart warmed with memories of making a blanket just like this when we were little. It was right after my parents had died, and my aunt had given me a giant pile of yarn to keep me busy. In all fairness, she was a single woman who had never been around many kids. She had cats, and everyone knows how much cats like yarn.
Charlotte and I spent so many summer nights together trying to figure out how to knit and would laugh when we made a mess. Eventually, we figured it out and made a blanket that I kept until it fell apart. There was something comforting about it that helped me through my grief, and now it was my turn to help Lily with hers.
I picked up the needle and the yarn and walked Lily through the basic stitches. I felt a tug at my heart when her face lit up, and I knew that the memories of working on it with her mom had come rushing back to her. I handed her the yarn and needle, smiling when she took it and started knitting. I watched her for a few minutes, admiring the pride on her face as she kept going.
I gave her a gentle pat on her back before I carefully scooted down the bed and got up. I was about to walk out of the door when she stopped me.
“I was scared that I forgot,” she said sadly, lowering her hands for a moment to talk to me.
“It’s okay to forget things sometimes,” I assured her. “There’s always a way to learn them again.”
She shook her head no and lowered her eyes.
“I was scared that I forgot her. I couldn’t remember what she had taught me, and I was afraid that all of my memories of her would disappear. What if that happens?”
I didn’t bother wiping away the tear as it slid down my cheek. I sucked in a breath and held it as I thought of how to answer that question. I walked back over to her and sat on the edge of the bed.
“My mom always smelled like cinnamon. So, whenever I see cinnamon rolls, I get this warm feeling inside me because it reminds me of her. And whenever I eat pizza, I only sprinkle the parmesan cheese in the center of it because that’s how my mom did it. She didn’t like to get it on her fingers, so she only put it in the middle. I don’t like racing, but I sit down with a bucket of fried chicken and watch every Nascar race because that’s what I used to do with my dad. And sometimes, I like to look up at the clouds and see what pictures I can make out of them. It was something that the three of us used to do every summer. We would lay in the grass and wait for my dad to burn the food he was barbecuing because he was too distracted with the clouds.”
The tears ran freely down my face as I allowed the grief to consume me. It had been so long since I had talked about my parents, I hadn’t realized just how much I still missed them.
“No matter how many of the little things you forget, you’ll never forget her. She will always be a part of you, my sweet Lily.”
“I’m sorry your mommy and daddy died,” she said quietly, her tears starting again. I nodded and squeezed her hand, unable to find the words to say. I knew that she understood when she squeezed mine back.
We sat there in silence for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts of sadness. I felt my phone vibrate again and pulled it out of my pocket. I rubbed my eyes, wiping the tears away so I could see the message. My mood lightened when I saw John’s message, confirming that he was able to move some stuff around and would be home on time after all. I texted him back and confirmed that I would order the pizza and have it ready.
Lily’s face was swollen, and her eyes puffy from crying. I knew that I probably looked like a hot mess at this point too.
“Hey, do you want to go make ice cream sundaes?” I offered, knowing that this was one of her favorite desserts.
“Before dinner?” she gasped, her eyes as wide as saucers.
I leaned over closer to her and rested my forehead against hers.
“Before dinner!” I pulled back and smiled, feeling like a kid again.
She tossed the blanket and yarn to the side of her bed and jumped up. I was relieved to see how excited she was and almost felt bad that I was such a bad influence on her.
She was about to rush down the stairs when she suddenly paused and turned to look at me. Her brows pulled together as she narrowed her eyes.
“My dad is working late tonight, isn’t he? He told you to let me have ice cream before dinner because he’s going to miss pizza and a movie night.”
She folded her arms over her chest and frowned.
I walked over and stood in front of her, lifting her chin with her finger so she would look at me.
“Your dad is heading home in thirty minutes, which means that you better hurry and eat your ice cream before he gets here!”
“No way!” she squealed as she ran down the stairs before I could catch up to her. I could hear her shout, ‘this is the best day ever!’ as I made my way into the kitchen. I smiled as I sat down at the table, watching her pull out all of her favorite toppings. I pulled out my phone and put in our pizza order. In just a short period, things had already gotten so predictable for us. I would order the pizza and get the snacks ready while Lily picked the movie line up for the night, and John would grab the pizza on his way home.
Lily was finishing the last few bites when we heard the front door open. She gasped and quickly shoveled in the last spoonful before rushing over to the sink to rinse her bowl. John walked in with the pizza in one hand and a paper bag in the other. I eyed it suspiciously, wondering what else he had decided to grab on his way home. He paused in his tracks, looking at Lily as she hurriedly scrubbed the evidence from her bowl.
He looked at me and nodded to her, silently asking me what she was doing. I shrugged and smirked. I wasn’t about to snitch on her, especially when it was my idea. Lily set the bowl in the sink and spun around, a look of guilt on her face when she saw John. Her eyes were still a little red and swollen, but it was the streak of chocolate by her mouth that gave her away.
I watched his features change from concern for why she had been crying to playful as he set everything down on the table and put his hands on his hips. He looked from her to me, then back to her again.
“Does someone want to explain what is going on?” he said, raising an eyebrow.
Lily giggled and tried to hide her face behind her hands.
“Lily...” he drawled out. “What are you hiding over there?”
“Nothing,” she replied quickly. Too quickly. She immediately turned to me, raising her eyebrows as if she was afraid that she had been caught. I couldn’t help myself as I burst into laughter. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and snorted, which brought them into hysterics too.
Several minutes passed before the laughter faded, and I was able to catch my breath.
“We decided to indulge in sundaes since it’s Friday and officially the weekend,” I said with another shrug as if it was no big deal.
“Before dinner?” John asked sternly, even though I saw the green specks in his eyes light up with amusement.
“We’re girls. We want ice cream when we want ice cream,” I replied with a smug smile.
Lily giggled from her corner, enjoying the snarky back and forth between her dad and me.
“Well, then, I guess this will be all mine tonight,” John said as he reached into the bag and pulled out a giant gallon of vanilla ice cream. Lily’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head as she stared at it, and I fought the urge to laugh again.
“You bought that for tonight?” she asked, her voice cracking with excitement.
“Maybe...” He spun it around on the table, looking at it as if it were some sort of trophy that he was admiring. “But, if you’ve already had ice cream, then I guess there’s no need for this.”
Lily looked at me with a look of desperation that made me giggle.
“It’s okay, Lily. I can always take you for more later since your dad doesn’t want to share.” I folded my arms over my chest and gave him the look.
“Two weeks,” he sighed playfully and picked up the gallon of ice cream. “That’s all that it took for me to be outnumbered in my own damn house.” He shook his head and walked over to put the ice cream in the freezer.
“You never stood a chance,” I laughed, patting him on the shoulder as I walked past him to get the paper plates.
“I knew that when the doctor said it was a girl,” he mumbled.
I grabbed the box of pizza from the table and followed Lily into the living room, chuckling at how true that was. John joined us a few minutes later, and we started the movie. The night was quiet as we watched a handful of girly movies that Lily had picked before she got tired and decided to go to bed. I knew that it was early for her and that she was worn out from earlier. Grief had a way of silently exhausting and taking everything out of you.
After Lily went upstairs, I got up and carried the empty pizza box and the other trash to the kitchen.
“Did you want to stay up and watch another movie?” John asked as he moved around me to open the garage door. I tossed the empty box into the trash can and thought about it. While I would typically stay up with him and watch an action-packed thriller, I felt pretty exhausted myself. I yawned and covered my mouth to hide it as I walked back into the kitchen.
“I think I’m going to have to skip it tonight, sorry,” I said, leaning against the counter. He leaned back against the one across from me and crossed his ankles.
“Is everything okay? Or am I missing something?” he asked with a hint of desperation in his voice. “Because I feel like something is happening with you and Lily, and I have no idea what it is.”
I rubbed my lips together and pulled my shoulders back, trying to find the strength I needed not to break down again today.
“Lily had a rough day today. She was trying to finish the blanket that she was making with Charlotte, and she couldn’t remember how to knit the stitches. I was able to show her, and everything came back to her. The problem was that she was afraid that she was starting to forget her.”
He closed his eyes and hung his head as he exhaled heavily.
“Shit. I didn’t see that one coming,” he admitted sadly. “I’ll talk to her therapist and see if I can add in an additional day for her to go next week since she wasn’t available today.”
I pulled my head back and looked at him. I wasn’t sure if I was more shocked by what he just said or pissed.
“Therapy? Really, John? That’s your answer?”
I knew how harsh my tone was, and I didn’t care. However, the surprised look on his face showed that he was hearing me, loud and clear.
“What did I do wrong now?” he groaned, lifting his hands in the air helplessly. “She said that she was enjoying her sessions. Why wouldn’t I add another one? She’s going to deal with the grief she has from losing her mother, and this is directly related. So what am I missing?”
“You, John! You’re missing you.” I paused for a split second to compose myself before I accidentally woke her up if she was already asleep. I balled my fists at my side, trying to force some of the anger to go elsewhere before I said something that I would regret. I loved John. He was the only friend—and family—that I had left, which meant that I needed to tell him when he was wrong. And boy was he wrong.
“I’m right here,” he sighed, rolling his neck on his shoulders. “I’m doing the best that I can in a world that I know nothing about, Emma. Obviously.”
“I’m not saying that you’re not doing a good job, John. You are doing an amazing job at balancing everything and figuring out this new path. But the problem is that she needs you to be her dad and to grieve with her.”
“I am grieving, Emma. Every damn day for almost six weeks, I wake up and feel the loss of my wife. I feel the weight of my daughter not having a mother. It is unbearable, and yet, I push through it every single day! I force myself to be strong for her because she doesn’t deserve to see how weak I really am!”
His voice boomed through the kitchen, sending chills up my arms. He didn’t scare me, but it was different to see him this way. So open and vulnerable. For a moment, it made me realize that he had been so busy trying to stay positive for Lily that he hadn’t been able to grieve with anyone since Charlotte died.
“Your daughter doesn’t need you to be strong for her right now. She needs you to fall apart and feel this pain that is so consuming that we all feel like we’re being pulled under and don’t know when we’ll take another breath because the thought of breathing the air in a world where Charlotte doesn’t exist is pure torture!” I sucked in a deep breath, replacing the air that I had expelled in that long-winded sentence. My chest was heaving as I felt the energy crackle around us as we stared at each other, unsure of what to say.
Finally, I conceded, realizing that it wasn’t my place to tell John how to handle things with his daughter.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep,” I said quietly. “It’s not my place to tell you how to grieve or what to do with Lily. I just think that at some point, she’s going to need to see that you’re vulnerable too. She needs to know that she can break down in front of you and feel whatever she feels in those moments when life gets too hard. When missing Charlotte is more than her heart can handle. Because it’s going to happen, John. No matter how hard you try to prevent it, you can’t. But you can be there for her and let her be there for you too. It’s an empty feeling to have to live alone in your grief.”
I gave him a small, forced smile and went upstairs to my bedroom. I tiptoed past Lily’s room and peeked my head in to check on her. She was sound asleep, cuddled up with the half-finished blanket tucked under her arm against her chest. I went to my room and closed the door quietly, making sure I didn’t wake her.
I changed into my pajamas and thought about everything that had happened today. My mind was racing as I tried to find something to comfort me. Before, I would call Charlotte when I felt like this and talk me through everything. Even if we didn’t address the real issue, she would still find a way to ease my anxiety by talking to me. I walked over to the closet and opened the door, hoping to find what I was looking for.
I pushed the hangers back across the bar, sending the shirts swaying as they moved. In the corner of the closet was the outfit that Charlotte had bought for me to wear to my interview. It still had the tags on it, but instead of sitting in the bag, it was hanging in my closet. I reached out and gently ran my fingers down it, feeling the tears spill over my cheeks as I remembered that dreadful day.
A few minutes later, I forced myself to focus as I wiped the tears from my face. I bent down and picked up the blanket sitting on top of the pile of other linens on the floor. It was tattered and torn and had definitely seen better days. But I wasn’t looking for something to keep me warm. I climbed into bed and tucked it under my arm, the same way that Lily had hers, and held the blanket that I made with Charlotte next to my heart. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall as I cried myself to sleep.