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The sun was beating down on me as I laid on the beach towel, listening to the seagulls fly above. John and Lily were playing in the ocean before we had our picnic. Thankfully, the beach wasn’t as crowded as I thought it would be. Maybe everyone was busy getting ready for the last week of school to end before they flocked off for their vacations. Either way, I was thankful for the peace and quiet as I soaked up the warmth from the sand.
I heard laughing and propped up on my elbow, pulling my sunglasses down a little to see them heading my way. Lily was holding something in her hand, running excitedly toward me. I sat up and smiled, waiting to see what had her so thrilled.
“Aunt Emma, Aunt Emma!” she squealed, dropping to her knees in front of me as she held her hands clasped together. I eyed her suspiciously, wondering if there was some sort of critter that she had caught. Not many things bothered me, but bugs and creepy crawlers of any kind were high on the list. “Look what I found!”
“What is it?” I asked, leaning forward with my hands folded in my lap and my knees pulled into my chest. I glanced up as John joined us, his shadow shading Lily and me.
Lily slowly opened her hands, the grin splitting her cheeks as her blue eyes sparkled in the sun. Tucked inside was a perfect sand dollar. She extended her hand to let me hold it. I reached out and carefully picked it up, admiring it as I placed it in the palm of my hand.
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered in complete awe. When Charlotte and I were little girls, we would go to the beach at sunrise and scour the sand, looking for them. On occasion, we would find a few, but never any that were as perfect as this one. I could feel the sting of the tears against my eyes and handed it back to Lily before I lost control and had another breakdown.
I had spent the morning crying in bed, struggling with how to handle Charlotte’s birthday today. Every year we spent them together, and this year was a painful reminder of what I lost. I avoided John and Lily until the last minute, when it was time to leave. Thankfully, I had my dark sunglasses to hide the red that the eye drops didn’t help.
“Mommy told me that you guys used to look for these when you were little,” Lily said, examining it in her hand. “She said that they were always broken and that you guys never found a perfect one.”
“That’s true,” I said, swallowing past the burn in my throat.
“Do you know what I think?” she asked, lowering her hand to look at me as she tilted her head and waited.
“What’s that?”
“I think that mommy put this sand dollar on the beach for me to find today so I could give it to you.”
She extended her hand back to me and waited. I struggled to keep my emotions in, but it was no use. A sob escaped my throat as a tear slid down my cheek. I laid my palm flat and waited while she placed it back in my hand again.
“Bella at school said that sometimes her grandma gives her gifts to let her know that she’s still there with her. Usually, she finds pennies, but I think that mommy wanted to use a sand dollar because you would know how special it was.”
She paused for a minute and looked out toward the ocean as John folded his arms and listened.
“I also think that she sent you a perfect one because you guys never got to find one together. Maybe it was another thing on her bucket list that you guys didn’t get to do?”
I held the sand dollar gently as I lowered my head to my knees and cried. I felt terrible for falling apart in front of them when I should have been the one to stay strong—especially today when all of us were grieving a little harder than usual.
I felt the sand shift next to me as John sat down and wrapped an arm around me. He pulled me into his side and held me as I cried. I hated that I was such a mess and that he was the one who was comforting me. I used my free hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks while I attempted to suck in a deep breath to calm down.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, moving my sunglasses out of the way to dry my eyes. I was relieved to see that Lily was sitting a few feet in front of us, playing with the sand, instead of watching me.
“Don’t be,” John said quietly, rubbing my back before he pulled his arm away. I could smell the soft scent of fabric softener on his shirt. It was so calming that I had to fight the urge to reach over and pull his shirt off him so I could cuddle it. Something about fresh linen reminded me of my childhood and provided a soothing comfort that I had relied on for so many years.
“Can we do our picnic soon?” Lily asked, looking up from the hole she had dug in the sand.
“Sure,” John answered happily, pushing himself up. “I’ll go grab everything from the car and check with the lifeguard to see if this little guy is still alive or if he’s dead,” he said, pointing to the sand dollar that was still in my hand. I reached up and handed it to him, feeling a piece of me slip away with it. I knew that we weren’t allowed to remove it without checking with them first, but it still stung to have it taken away so quickly.
I smiled the warmest smile that I could, even though my heart felt like it was a crumbled mess of pieces scattered around me.
“Do you want to help me get the blanket set up?” I asked Lily, reaching over to the tote bag that I had brought down earlier. She nodded and got up. I stood and quickly brushed the sand off my body before I dug the blanket out. I unfolded it and gave her one end while I held onto the other, and we gently laid it down. Next, I picked up the giant umbrella that I had convinced John to bring and opened it, laughing when it almost knocked me over. Lily started giggling, the sound lifting some of the sadness sitting so heavily on my shoulders.
I tried getting it in the ground before John came back, but it was bigger than I was and knocked me over a time or two. I was still struggling with it, putting all of my weight into it as I tried to force it into the hard sand.
“Need some help?” John laughed as he set the ice chest down next to the blanket. I felt my cheeks flush as he reached over and took the umbrella from me, carefully moving it away as I ducked and got out of his way. A few seconds later, he had it properly secured and adjusted it to make sure there was plenty of shade for us.
“I could have done that,” I muttered, sitting down on the blanket next to Lily.
“I know,” he chuckled. “Thanks for waiting so I could do it. I didn’t want to be the unmanly man on the beach today. I do have a reputation to uphold.”
He winked and sat down. I rolled my eyes, the corners of my lips pulling up as I tried to keep from smiling. Thanks to my sunglasses, he hadn’t caught the eye roll.
He pulled the cooler closer to him, opened it, pulled the food out, and set it on the blanket between us. Per Lily’s request, we packed a lunch made up of all of Charlotte’s favorite foods. John handed each of us a sandwich wrapped in saran wrap and then dug inside for the fruit tray we had put together this morning. I grabbed the cans of Pringles and the box of Twinkies and set them next to the giant bag of Sour Patch Kids. I grabbed the other bag that I had packed with utensils and handed Lily a plate before setting one aside for John and me.
I helped Lily fill her plate and then worked on mine. I looked down at the sandwich in my hands, my fingers trembling as I pulled the wrapper off it. Memories of eating peanut butter and syrup sandwiches together flooded through my mind, forcing another wave of sadness to wash over me.
I took a bite and closed my eyes. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to live in my memories and cherished the sound of Charlotte’s laughter as we had our own picnics and tea parties.
“So, what’s on the agenda this week for school?” John asked Lily, breaking me from my thoughts. “Are they doing anything fun since it’s the last week?”
“I don’t think so,” Lily said, scrunching her nose before taking a bite of her sandwich. “We have a test on Tuesday, and then I think Ms. Summers is going to have us clean the classroom for the last few days. A lot of kids have said that they’re not even going to go to school after the test.”
I knew what she was hinting at but didn’t know if John had picked up on it.
“Well, at least it sounds like it will be an easy week,” he offered, popping a strawberry in his mouth.
I chewed my bite and then immediately took another one. If my mouth was full, I couldn’t accidentally speak up and tell him what he was missing. Lily hated that school and was making it obvious that she didn’t want to go the last few days if she didn’t have to.
“I guess. If you count cleaning and doing all of the hard work because the other students don’t show up—then I guess it is easy.” She set her sandwich down on the plate and looked away.
I took the opportunity to try to get his attention without Lily noticing. While she was still staring out at the ocean, I reached over and tapped his knee with my toes. He looked up at me, confused. I nodded in her direction, raising my eyebrows before realizing that he couldn’t see them with my sunglasses on. I set my food down on my plate and took them off.
I tried again, this time making it more obvious with the head jerking and eyebrows, yet he was still oblivious.
“Can I go put my feet in the water?” she asked, not turning to look at us.
John sighed and set his plate down between us.
“Sure. Just stay where I can see you, and don’t go in past your ankles.”
Lily muttered something under her breath before she got up and walked down to the water. We both sat there, watching her as if she was going to vanish right before our eyes.
“Okay,” he said after she was down by the water. “What did I screw up this time?”
He kept his attention on Lily, as did I.
“She doesn’t want to go to school,” I sighed heavily, leaning back on my hands. “She hates it there, and if she has to go when the other kids don’t, she’ll just feel left out again. Or worse, her teacher will give her all of the shitty jobs to do. I remember those days in school, and it sucked. I don’t blame her for not wanting to go.”
“I see,” he said softly. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get any of this right.”
I turned to look at him, tilting my head to the side.
“Does anyone?”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Does anyone ever get any of this right? Granted, I’m not a parent, but I know that Charlotte used to feel the same way. I don’t think there’s a single parent out there that feels like they’re getting it right.”
“No one warned me how hard this would be.”
I watched his shoulders fall heavily.
“You’re doing fine,” I assured him. “No matter how much you think you know what you’re doing now, it’s going to change as she gets older, and you’ll always feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s a vicious cycle, but everyone goes through it.”
“So much for wishing that it would get easier,” he joked, turning to smile at me before turning back to watch Lily.
“It will. Just give it time. You’ll master certain parts of it and learn how to handle the new stuff as it comes. Like boys...” I laughed when he gave me a dirty look.
“She’s doing better today than I thought she would,” he said, nodding to where she was jumping in the water.
“Yeah, I’m the one who is a hot mess today.”
“It’s okay to be a mess. I’m a mess every damn day. This week was just a harder week than most, with the settlement and her birthday both happening at the same time.”
I swallowed and stared at Lily. We hadn’t talked much about the settlements after they happened. Maybe it was because it was the last piece from the accident, and now it was over, or perhaps it was because neither of us wanted to talk about the money that was awarded from the accident that took Charlotte’s life. It wasn’t anything to be happy about or brag over. Her life was worth far more than any amount of money.
I nodded, unable to say anything.
“So,” he said, adjusting on the blanket next to me. “I’m thinking of taking Lily to New Jersey this summer. To go see Charlotte’s parents.”
I paused for a moment to listen before I responded.
“I think it’s important for her to know them and have that connection with her grandparents. We’ve made so many excuses for so long about not having the time to visit them, and now I’ve realized that we don’t always have the time we think we do. I’m tired, Emma,” he said sadly. “I’m tired of constantly working and never stopping to enjoy life. There has to be more than this.”
“You both need a break,” I confirmed, smiling as I watched Lily splash in the water with a girl her age that had walked over to play with her. She wasn’t an anti-social kid, she just didn’t belong at that school with those stuck-up bullies. “How long are you going for?”
I knew that it would mean that I wouldn’t have work while he was gone, given that my job was to take care of Lily, and she wouldn’t be there. I could always look for a temp job to pass the time until he was back, depending on how long they would be there. The worst-case scenario was that I could use some of the settlement money to live off of, but I didn’t want to do that if I didn’t have to. Twenty-five thousand was a large amount of money, but I had learned quickly that it wouldn’t go far if I wasn’t careful with how I spent it.
“A month, maybe two.”
I was surprised to hear that John was being so relaxed about missing that much time at work. This was the man who would work 12-hour days just to meet deadlines and had gone in on weekends and holidays when he had to. The last month he had already shown a considerable change with being home for dinner every night, but to miss a few months without worrying about it made me wonder if something else was going on.
“What’s really going on, John?” I asked, turning to face him. “It’s not like you to be so carefree about missing work, and now you’re talking about taking a couple months off?”
“I know, I know,” he muttered, picking up a handful of sand and letting it fall through his fingers. He kept his eyes on Lily and smiled when he watched her do a cartwheel in the sand. Whoever her new friend was, they seemed to be having a wonderful time.
“Last weekend was a real eye-opener for me,” he admitted, still playing with the sand.
“I’m really sorry about that,” I said quickly, feeling bad for yelling at him about how he wasn’t grieving with Lily. We hadn’t talked about it since it happened.
“Don’t be,” he said, holding his hand up to stop me from continuing to apologize. “Really—I needed to hear that. You were right. She needed to know that she wasn’t alone and that I am still grieving just as much as she is. We all are.”
A sad silence fell between us.
“When I was trying to help Lily solve the riddles for Charlotte’s bucket list, I realized that there was so much that she wanted to do but didn’t. I know that it was a list she made when she was a kid, but I can’t help but wonder what else she wanted to do but never took the time to do it. I have this guilt that has been eating away at me all week, forcing me to question whether I was too busy and if that stopped us from living life. If I wasn’t constantly at work, we could have been coming to the beach and having picnics with the ants.”
We both chuckled as we looked down at the blanket full of food that was barely touched.
“I can’t keep working my life away, Emma. I owe it to Charlotte and Lily, and even myself, to do better. To live life and go on adventures and have fun. None of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to start living for today.”
I turned and smiled at him, proud of the changes he was planning to make. I loved that he wanted to step back and spend more time with Lily. She needed it now more than ever.
“That’s a wonderful plan, John. I think she’ll really enjoy being up in Jersey for the summer.”
“We’re not going to be in Jersey that long, maybe a week or two at most.”
I stopped for a moment and frowned.
“I thought you said you were going for a month or two?”
“We’ll be gone for a month or two,” he said with a grin. “But, we’re going to drive and work on the bucket list along the way. Go sightseeing and exploring. Just live for once.”
I felt like I was talking to someone else. Like an alien had taken over John’s body and made him into this easy-going man who suddenly wanted to drop everything at work and travel coast to coast to explore with his daughter. What happened to the man I knew?
“She’s going to love that,” I said with a grin that stretched across my face. “I can’t wait for you guys to get back so I can hear all about it,” I laughed, feeling the excitement starting to build.
“Well, I was kind of hoping that you wouldn’t have to hear about it,” he said cautiously. “I was hoping that you would go with us.”
I felt my jaw drop open, unsure of what to say. At that moment, Lily came running up the beach toward us with her new friend in hand.
“This is my new friend, Sadie!” she said as she plopped down on the edge of the blanket. We smiled and waved at the little girl with red hair and adorable freckles that dotted her nose.
“Hi, Sadie,” I said, smiling as she sat down next to Lily.
“Can she hang out with us for a while?” Lily asked, reaching over to pick up her bottle of water.
“Did you ask her parents?” John asked, scanning the other people around us.
“They’re over there,” Sadie said, pointing to a couple laying on beach towels with headphones on and their faces covered with their shirts.
“Lovely,” John muttered, noticing the parents who didn’t seem worried about where their daughter was.
“Of course she can,” I said cheerfully. “Would you like something to eat?” I nodded to the food on the blanket and smiled when she shyly reached down to pick up a piece of watermelon.
“This is really good,” she giggled as the juice ran down her face.
“We’re doing a picnic with the ants,” Lily explained, picking up a piece of watermelon herself. I leaned back and listened as she told her new friend about her mom and the bucket list of things she wanted to do.
They laughed and giggled, reminding me of my childhood with Charlotte. I sat back and watched them, feeling the day get a little bit brighter with their innocent laughter floating around us. The day had started out hard, and now I was stuck having to make the biggest decision yet. As much as I had been trying to fight it and carefully avoided crossing the line, it seemed almost impossible not to give in. While I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t a part of their family, John was pushing even harder to prove that I was. While a vacation traveling across the country sounded wonderful, I wasn’t sure that I could do it.