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By the time we made it to Taos last night, it was already after ten o’clock. John found a safe place for us to stay close to the river, which was nice. Lily was already asleep by the time we got there, but I felt energetic and not ready for bed.
John got out and stretched his legs. I debated whether to follow him or not because I didn’t know if he wanted time to himself or preferred the company. After fifteen minutes, I decided to grab a couple of beers and went out to join him. While at the store, he bought some folding camping chairs, which now came in handy.
He reached into the back, where our luggage was kept and grabbed two for us to sit on. Once the chairs were situated, I handed him a beer and sat down while he dug into his pocket for his keys, looking for the bottle opener he’d had since college.
“It’s a beautiful night,” I said, looking up and admiring the clear sky. When I was little, I loved to lay outside and look at the stars, waiting to see if I could spot a shooting star, but the city lights always clouded the skies and made it near impossible.
“Yeah, it is,” he replied, taking a drink.
I lifted my bottle to my lips and parted them, the cold liquid tickling my tongue before sliding down my throat.
“Thanks for taking care of Lily earlier,” he said, turning to look at me. “As you can tell, I’m a little lost in that area.”
“It’s not a problem. I don’t mind.”
“I know that she appreciates it too. It’s hard for her not having her mom here to help her with these things, but I’m glad that she has you. She needs a woman in her life to teach her the things that I can’t.”
I debated for a moment whether I should talk to him about what Lily had told me the other day about him finding someone new. Now felt like as good of a time as any, and we were already on the subject, so I figured I might as well go for it.
“Do you plan to start dating again?” I asked nervously, looking forward, so I didn’t have to look at him when he answered.
He paused and waited before responding as if he was looking for the right answer.
“I don’t know. There’s a lot that goes into making that decision, and it won’t be an easy one.”
“Because of Lily?”
“For starters.”
Now it was my turn to pause and question what he meant by that.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have pried,” I apologized. “Lily had talked to me about it the other day, and I didn’t know if she had talked to you yet.”
He turned to look at me, surprised. He took a long drink and sighed.
“Does she not want me to date?” he asked, taking another drink. I felt the need for the same liquid courage, so I took one before I answered.
“She has a friend at school that lost her dad before Christmas. Her mom recently started dating someone, and her friend said she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Lily wants you to date someone, so you’ll be happy again, but she’s afraid that it means that whoever you date will replace Charlotte.”
“It won’t,” he snapped.
“That’s what I told her,” I said quickly, feeling mildly attacked. “I told her that I imagined that you would talk to her before you started dating anyone, and I assured her that no one will ever replace her mom.”
John got up and walked away, the door to the motorhome closing behind him. I leaned back against the soft fabric of the chair and closed my eyes. I was sitting outside, by myself, in the middle of the woods. All I needed now was for a bear to come and attack me and put me out of my misery.
Why had I decided to talk to John about this tonight? I should have known that he wouldn’t take it well, given how he reacted to his daughter starting her period. He was under a lot of stress and pressure, and it wasn’t fair for me to add this to his plate. It wasn’t like he had started bringing someone new around, and we had to worry about him dating anyone. I had just taken a made-up problem and blew it up into a real one that he didn’t need.
A few minutes later, he came back, closing the door quietly behind him. He stopped in front of my chair and popped the top off a new beer, handing it to me without speaking. I took it and set it down on my thigh, holding it with my left hand while I finished the other one with my right. I set the empty bottle down between us, moving the new one to my other leg.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said quietly. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It wasn’t my place.”
“It’s fine,” he replied coolly, taking a sip. “It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I was hoping that I had a little while longer before I had to really think about it. I had no idea that Lily would start worrying about whether I was going to start dating again.”
“I don’t think she thought about it until her friend brought it up.”
“It’s only been two months since she died. I haven’t been thinking about other women—not even once. But dating, that’s a different beast, and it’s messing with my head,” he admitted. “How do you know when is the right time to move on? It’s not like I’m waiting for Charlotte to come back, but when will I stop feeling this guilt every time I think about the future and try to picture my life with someone new in it? Will I ever get there?”
I could feel the pain in his words. I had no idea how to answer him because I had never experienced a loss like this before.
“I don’t know,” I whispered sadly. “I guess when you find someone that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with again, you’ll just know. It’ll feel right for you and Lily. It’s okay to move on, John. No one is going to judge you for doing that.”
I swallowed, trying to push past the lump in my throat when I realized that I was telling a huge lie to him and myself. I wasn’t going to judge him for moving on and finding someone else, but it stung in my heart to think that she would replace me. Not that we were dating, but she would be the one to help Lily with the new things that came up in her life. She would be the one to make them dinner and worry about whether they were eating too much junk food. She would do all of the things that I had come to enjoy doing for them these past few months.
We finished our second beers and sat quietly. It was a heavy subject that neither of us wanted to push any further. I got the feeling that maybe he was already interested in someone else by the way he talked about it, but I wasn’t stupid enough to ask. Doing so would undoubtedly ruin the rest of the trip for me when it turned into a ticking bomb, waiting to explode as I was replaced by a new woman in their lives.
“It’s getting late. We should probably turn in soon,” he said, breaking the silence.
I nodded and stood up, turning to pick up the empty bottles at the same time he did. We bonked heads and laughed, rubbing the sore spot where we had collided. I went to move out of the way and lost my balance when I stepped onto an uneven part of the gravel beneath me. John reached out and grabbed me, his arms wrapped around my waist as he caught me.
I looked up, my breathing quickening from his touch. I could feel the heat of his body so close to mine, the smell of his shampoo, still fresh from this morning. His fingers dug lightly into my hips as he stared at me, fighting something in his mind. I was about to make some sort of sarcastic remark about how clumsy I was when his head dipped low, and his mouth covered mine.
I gasped at the contact, but then my fingers reached up and ran through his hair, pulling him closer to me as we kissed. He pulled me tighter, and my body pressed up against his muscular chest. I wanted more, to get lost in this moment, but as quickly as it started, it stopped.
He pulled back, running a hand over his face as he turned away. I wiped my mouth, my lips slightly swollen in the best way. I was still trying to catch my breath while I processed what had just happened.
“I’m sorry, Emma,” he said, his tone thick with disdain and regret. “That shouldn’t have happened.”
He bent down and picked up the empty bottles, carrying them between his fingers as he walked over to the trash can and threw them away. I took the opportunity to sneak inside and put some distance between us. When he came back a few minutes later, I was already up on the bed above the seats since Lily was still in mine, with my back turned to him.
I heard the door close, followed by the locks clicking in place. He quietly pushed the table down and set up his bed, not saying another word to me while I pretended to be asleep.
The next morning, I woke up in a crabby mood but tried to put everything behind me. I wanted to blame it on the beer last night but knew that two beers weren’t enough to make John lose his mind and kiss me out of nowhere. I also didn’t want to beat myself up about it any longer than I needed to, so I went about making breakfast as if nothing had happened.
Lily got up and used the restroom, making me a little sad that I no longer had her as an excuse for avoiding talking to him. The second she closed the door he stood and walked the short distance to where I was standing by the stove.
“About last night,” he started.
“Don’t—” I held my hand up to stop him. “We’re fine. Just let it go.”
“Emma, will you please let me explain?”
The door opened, and Lily walked out, saving me once again.
“Breakfast is ready!” I said cheerfully, transferring the bacon to a plate lined with a paper towel to capture the excess grease. I moved the food to the plates and set them on the table. I gave Lily a quick kiss on her head before grabbing a piece of bacon and walking to the bed.
I didn’t bother to sit and have breakfast with them. It was pointless with my stomach still tied in knots and the nausea that threatened to ruin my day. Instead, I dug through the pile of clothes that I had bought yesterday and found the bikini. I grabbed it and a change of clothes and went to the bathroom to get ready.
I took a quick shower and shaved my legs. I didn’t bother to put makeup on since we were planning to be on the river, and it would just come right off. So instead, I applied a heavy layer of sunscreen and looked down at the bright pink swimsuit that I was certain would draw attention to me. Unfortunately, the only mirror was above the sink outside the bathroom, and John would see me before I could get to it.
I pulled my shoulders back and tried to rock the confidence of a toddler having a dance party with no music. I pulled on the cotton shorts and tank top that I had bought yesterday and opened the door, not bothering to look at them. I reached into the cabinet above the bed and pulled out my purse, fishing my sunglasses out of it before grabbing one of the beach towels we had bought yesterday as well.
“I’ll see you guys outside when you’re done,” I said passively and walked down the steps, letting the screen door slam behind me.
There were a handful of people who had joined us since last night, most of the space around us filling up quickly. I walked down the warm sand, thankful that it was still early in the day and not blistering hot and found a spot to lay my towel down. I spotted a group of guys a few feet over who looked like they were getting ready for some wild adventure. I looked at the water, noticing how calm it was, and wondered what they could be so excited and pumped up about, given there didn’t seem to be any excitement nearby.
I pulled my tank top off and shimmied out of my shorts, kicking them to the side as I slid my sunglasses up higher on my nose. Nervously, I dipped my fingers under the thin string that was responsible for keeping my bikini bottoms on and adjusted it. This earned the whistles and a few catcalls from the guys who had now taken notice of me.
Feeling the confidence that I needed, I laid down and closed my eyes.
The warm sun kissed my skin, melting me into a pool of oblivion when I heard a low voice directly above me.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I lifted my hand and shielded my face as I opened my eyes. John stood over me, his hands on his hips with a scowl on his face.
“I’m sunbathing,” I replied dryly. “Which would work better if you weren’t towering over me, blocking the sun.”
“You realize that there’s a group of guys over there, staring at you—right?”
I turned my head in their direction and smiled. I knew they were still there because I had heard them the entire time I’d been out here. I gave a quick little wave before turning away and lifting my chin to the sun.
“I know that you’re mad at me about last night,” he stammered angrily. “If you would just let me explain—”
“John, you said that it was a mistake. I took you at your word. What else is there to discuss? I’m single. You’re single. We’re not dating—so why do you care if other guys check me out?” I pushed up off the towel and brushed the sand away. My relaxing soak in the sun was quickly getting ruined by his misplaced jealousy.
“You’re impossible,” he mumbled under his breath.
“I’m not the one making things difficult. You are.” I poked him in the chest with my finger, surprised to see him wearing a new tank top and swim trunks. At that moment, Lily came out of the motorhome and joined us.
“Are you ready to go?!” she asked excitedly.
“Where are we going?” I tilted my head, confused. I thought the plan was to hang out on the river today.
“On the boat!! Daddy got us a big boat so we can float on the river and check off another body of water from the bucket list. After this, all we have left is the ocean.”
“I think we’ll need a bigger boat for that than the one your dad got,” I joked, returning her smile.
“Yeah, there’s no way I’m going out in the ocean in that thing,” she added, looking up at her dad with arms crossed.
“What? It’s a great boat! Not for the ocean, but I bet you’re going to have an amazing time on it today.”
“I can’t wait!” She bounced excitedly, waiting while he grabbed it from the motorhome and unpacked it. He was busy pumping it full of air while Lily and I talked about how she was feeling. Some Midol and a hearty breakfast had her feeling better and ready for another adventure.
As John continued working on the inflatable boat, I took my towel back to the motorhome and made sure everything was locked and secure. When I went back, they were waiting for me with the giant boat and two sets of oars. I still doubted that this thing was going to hold all three of us, but I was taking John’s word. Plus, I had read the side of the box to confirm that he wasn’t lying.
We pushed it into the water, and John held it steady while Lily and I climbed in. Once we were settled with me on one end and her in the middle, John climbed into the other end and almost tipped us over.
We all laughed hysterically while trying to move our bodies quickly to keep it from flipping. Finally, a few minutes later, the water around us was calm and the boat steady. I handed John a set of oars and got mine ready as we began moving. We didn’t go too far, and luckily the water was calm, even with the abundance of other rafts in the water. Lily loved every minute of it, and for once, we just relaxed and played in the river with no worries in the world as John and I continued to pretend that something major hadn’t shifted between us last night.