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It was hard to believe that we had almost been gone a week, and this time last week, Lily was celebrating her last day of school. So much had happened as we went on so many fun adventures already. Today was another travel day as we headed to Fort Worth, Texas, from Taos. Since John insisted on driving, I pretended that I had a tension headache and spent most of my time in bed, as far away as possible.
I was being childish and petty about the kiss the other night, and I knew it. It wasn’t something that I had expected to happen, but I was confused about why it did in the first place. John was an attractive man, and under different circumstances, I would probably consider him date-worthy material. But given that he was my best friend’s husband, that automatically put him off-limits. The part that was really eating away at me was how I had felt when he kissed me. It didn’t feel like the mistake it should have been. It felt different but in a good way.
I realized that part of my childish reaction toward John didn’t have much to do with him but rather with my frustration at myself. I should have stopped it from happening in the first place. Instead, I found myself pulling him closer to me and regretting the moment that it stopped. I was a terrible person and, even worse—a terrible friend. If Charlotte were still alive, she would immediately turn her back on me and never speak to me again if she knew what I had done. But then again, if she was still alive, I could guarantee that it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.
She would be here with them on this vacation, not me. She would be helping Lily with her first period, not me. She would be kissing her husband under a beautiful starlit sky, not me. There was so much that she should be here doing, and it killed me that she wasn’t. Survivor’s guilt was a real thing, and I hated that I had all the experiences that she never got to have. It wasn’t fair, and regardless of how much everyone tried to convince me that it wasn’t, it was still my fault.
I rolled over on my side, letting the sun warm my face through the small crack in the curtains. It felt good just to lay down and not have to worry about anything. Maybe it gave me too much time to think and make a mess out of things in my head, but then again, maybe that was the real problem—I hadn’t been thinking lately.
Lily sat up front in the passenger seat next to John. She was excited to be his co-captain today and assured him that she was up for the task, even after he told her that it would be close to a ten-hour drive. She had packed a picnic basket full of snacks and bottles of water, which she then placed on the floor behind them, so she had quick access if they needed anything. I giggled at how serious she was taking her role, promising to never take her eyes off the road.
I closed my eyes, not tired enough to sleep, and listened to their conversation.
“Daddy, can you tell me the story again?” Lily asked.
“Which one?”
“The one about how you and mama met. It’s my favorite.”
I smiled, knowing how much she loved hearing it. I had heard it at least a dozen times over the past few weeks while I had been staying there.
“Well, your mom and I met at a party. She was there with Emma and kept trying to set her and me up, pretending that she wasn’t interested in me. She avoided me all night, and every now and then, I would catch her checking me out. I tried to make small talk, but she wasn’t interested. Finally, I offered her snacks and a drink, but she had already beat me to it. She was impossible to win over!”
“So, what did you do?” Lily asked with a giggle, already knowing what was coming next.
“I won her over with my incredible dance moves!”
Lily started laughing. Full belly laughter filled the motorhome with the most beautiful sound. I smiled and turned my head into my pillow, trying to keep the tears from falling. I knew the story after hearing it plenty of times, but this was the first time that I had heard him mention that Charlotte had tried to set me up with John. I was thankful that Lily seemed to miss that part.
“No, daddy, no!” She laughed even harder, and I looked up to see him dancing at the steering wheel, his weird jerky movements making her giggle even more.
“Hey, these moves are what got your mom to agree to go out on a date with me,” he laughed. “That and the fact that Emma convinced her to go on a double date with her because she was nervous about going on a date with this guy she really liked. He was a loser, by the way,” he added. I didn’t have to look up to feel his eyes on me from the rearview mirror.
“He was your best friend,” I blurted out, getting up out of bed. There was no way that I was going to let him off that easy. I walked over and opened the fridge, looking for something to make Lily for lunch.
“Was my best friend. I grew up quickly after that and stopped being his friend,” John said matter-of-factly.
“Well, I still blame him and you for my lackluster love life since then. If we hadn’t met you at that party, I wouldn’t have met him, and I would probably be with the love of my life by now,” I groaned dramatically.
“Wait—did you say that mom tried to set you up with Aunt Emma?” Lily asked, looking between us.
“She did,” I confirmed, pulling out a loaf of bread, some lunch meat, and the sliced cheese. “But in all fairness, your mom would have offered up a vacuum if she thought your dad would go for it.”
John’s eyes darted up to catch mine in the mirror. There was something dark in them, something that I hadn’t seen before. I turned my attention away and opened the fridge. I grabbed the head of lettuce and a tomato, then temporarily moved Sammy to the side so I could wash them. He swam around in fast circles, in what I assumed was his version of yelling at me for disrupting his home. I get it, Sammy, I get it.
“So, if it hadn’t worked out the way that it did, does that mean that Aunt Emma could have been my mommy instead?” she asked innocently.
I dropped the knife that I was using to cut the tomato and hung my head. The air passed through my lips quickly as it rushed out of me.
“No, sweetie,” John assured her. “It doesn’t work that way, my love. You’re who you are because your part me and part your mommy. God decides how we get here and who our parents will be. Nothing can or will ever change that.”
“Okay,” she said quietly. “But just for the record, I would have wanted Emma for my mommy if I didn’t already have a mommy.”
I finished slicing the tomato and turned around to set the plate on the table. I could feel John’s eyes on me again, piercing me with an ‘I told you so’ look. I quickly went to work making the sandwiches, desperate for them to have something else to keep their mouths occupied so this conversation could be over.
After lunch, we stopped for a quick break so John could stretch his legs. Or at least that’s what we had told Lily when we stopped at the border of New Mexico and Texas and pulled over on the side of the road. Lily and I got out with John, standing off to the side away from traffic, just in case anyone passed by us.
“Okay, Lily, are you ready?” John asked excitedly.
“For what?” She scrunched her cute little button nose in confusion.
“Another bucket list item!”
“What?!” She looked between us, waiting to hear what it was.
I grabbed the piece of paper that I had written it down on after John and I had talked about it the other night. It was the perfect moment for this one.
“Just when you’ve crossed the line, take a step back and go back in time,” I read, looking up at her when I was finished.
John was standing at the sign in the dirt, looking over where the “Welcome to Texas” sign was standing across the road. He moved over some and motioned for us to join him.
“Okay, are you ready?” he asked as we stood on the New Mexico side. “Three. Two. One—Jump!”
We jumped over the line that he had drawn in the dirt with a stick.
“Alright, now we’re in Texas, so we’re in a new time zone,” he said, looking down at Lily. “BUT, we can go back in time by jumping back to New Mexico. Ready?”
She nodded her head, clearly enjoying it as we all jumped back to the other side.
“Now you can say that you’ve gone back in time!” John exclaimed happily.
Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him, before she came over and hugged me. It was something fun and silly, but I could see how much it meant to her. We climbed back into the motorhome, ready to get back on the road again.
Since I had spent the morning resting, I offered to drive the last five hours to Fort Worth. John agreed and decided to lay down for most of the trip, while Lily kept me company up front. We laughed and talked about the journey so far and what our favorite parts were. While I had loved the dinner cruise on the lake for my birthday, Lily loved that I had decided to come with them. That single sentence wrapped itself around my heart so tightly that I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
We made it to Fort Worth shortly after eight o’clock and found our hotel. John went inside to check in while Lily and I packed up the stuff that we needed. It wasn’t going to be a long stay, just tonight and tomorrow night, and then we would be heading to Little Rock, Arkansas, on Thursday. I grabbed my suitcase and pulled a few outfits out, along with a pair of pajamas and my toiletry bag. We had been so busy that I hadn’t had a chance to read much and debated whether to take my Kindle to the room with me or if it was better to leave it in my suitcase in the motorhome.
Lily had her bag packed and was going through the snack options when John came back to let us know our rooms were ready. I went ahead and tossed the Kindle into my tote bag and followed them to the rooms. We didn’t have adjoining rooms this time, but they were right across the hall from each other. I thought about asking Lily if she wanted to stay with me again, but I was feeling mentally exhausted and needed some downtime.
Once inside my room, I set my bag down and went to the window, looking at the beautiful view around me. We were staying by Sundance Square—less than a mile away, and I had the perfect view from my eleventh-story room. I was excited to have the day tomorrow, to go shopping again, even though Lord knows that I didn’t need to spend any more money. I found that it was a really fun experience for Lily and me, and I cherished those moments with her.
My head was still reeling from John’s comment earlier about Charlotte trying to set us up at that party. I doubted that it was true and wondered if John had just said it to mess with me. Maybe his own way of trying to get back at me for the little tiff we were having. If it had really happened, Charlotte would have told me. Wouldn’t she?
I decided to ignore the obsessive thoughts that were still lingering around the subject and decided to take a hot bath. A good soak would surely help at this point. My body was a little stiff and sore from the boat ride yesterday—mainly trying to fight to keep it from tipping over, as well as the long drive today.
I plugged the drain and turned the water to hot. There were a handful of sample items by the sink, so I took a look and settled on an orange blossom body wash. If I were back home, I would have added some Epsom salts and maybe a bath bomb, but I didn’t think to bring any of that with me. I stripped down, tested the water to make sure it wasn’t too hot, then went to the bedroom to grab my phone.
It had been a while since I had checked my email or been on social media, so I figured now was a great time to catch up. I climbed into the tub, wincing a little bit when the hot water bit at the sunburn I had on my lower back from yesterday. Once settled, I swiped my finger across the screen to unlock my phone, surprised to see a text message from John.
John: Are you okay?
I reread the message, wondering why he was asking me that. Did I not look okay? I had tried my hardest today to act as if nothing had happened the other night while I forced the memory as far out of my head as possible.
Me: I’m fine. Why?
Almost immediately, his message came through.
John: Because I know you well enough to know that you’re lying.
Me: What exactly do you think that I’m lying about?
John: Lots of things. Pretending to be okay for one.
Me: It seems I’m not the only one who has been telling stories.
John: What do you mean?
Me: Why did you lie and tell Lily that Charlotte tried to set you and me up that night? That never happened.
John: I didn’t lie. Charlotte did try to set us up when you were in the bathroom, right before you met Tanner.
Me: I’ve never heard that part of the story until now.
I couldn’t help the overwhelming emotions that were bubbling up inside.
John: Charlotte was a wonderful woman, but she had plenty of secrets that she kept well-guarded.
Apparently.
John: Lily is settled in for the night. She said she wants to go shopping tomorrow if you’re up for it.
Me: It’s a date!
I froze when I saw the words displayed on the screen after hitting send without thinking it through.
Me: I mean with Lily. It’s a date with Lily.
John: I knew what you meant.
John: Call if you need anything. We’ll be ready to go by eight.
Me: Okay.
I set my phone down on the towel by the edge of the tub and closed my eyes. Things were getting so awkward between us, and I hated it.
The following day, I was up earlier than expected. I jumped in the shower and got ready, taking the time to do my hair and makeup even though I knew it was pointless with the Texas humidity. I used the waterproof eyeliner and mascara that I had picked up the other night at Walmart, hoping they would hold up today. My hair dried quickly, allowing me to skip the blow drier. I combed through it, using the skinny point at the end of the comb to part it to the side before using my fingers to style it.
It was barely seven o’clock which left an hour before they would be ready. So, I made some coffee in the small pot by the sink and sat on my bed, ready to read for an hour when my phone rang.
My stomach sank when I saw the name on the caller ID. BayView Advertising.
“Hello,” my voice squeaked into the phone, my nerves getting the better of me.
“May I speak with Emma Monroe?”
“Yes, speaking.”
I held my breath, biting my fingernail, wondering why on earth they could be calling me.
“Hi, Emma. My name is Meghan, and I’m calling from BayView Advertising.”
I swallowed hard, unable to say anything.
“The reason for my call is to see if you’re still interested in a creative marketing position with our company.”
“Um, yes, I am.” I had no idea what else to say. It was my dream job that I had wanted for so long, but I knew that I had already committed my time to John by helping with Lily.
“There’s been a change internally, and our current director has decided to retire in August. Because this is such an important position within our company, we have decided to start interviewing in July. Would you like me to add your name to the candidates that we will be reaching out to schedule, starting next week?”
There was no way that this was happening. I had to be dreaming it. It was like the universe was playing some sort of sick joke on me, offering this opportunity after I had already given up and moved on.
“Yes, please.”
I covered my face with my hand, feeling terrible for it. It felt like I was betraying John and Lily by doing this. I had to remind myself that it was just an interview. It didn’t mean that I would get the job. I was likely going up against a handful of more qualified people, so there shouldn’t be anything to stress over. I could go to the interview and say that I tried.
“Wonderful. Alexis, our recruiting director, will be in touch next week to get you on the schedule.”
“Thank you.”
The phone went silent, and I was left sitting there in a numbed state of confusion.
By the time John and Lily were ready, I had tried to push the call out of my mind and enjoy my time with them. I had sat on my bed and wrote down the rest of the stops that John and I had discussed. We were leaving tomorrow morning and heading to Arkansas, and then after that, we would make a stop in Tennessee. Saturday, we would travel from Tennessee to Virginia and stay the night, and then Sunday, we would hit the last few states before we made it to New Jersey. I could finish the first half of the trip, spend a few days with Charlotte’s parents and finish the last few things on the bucket list in New Jersey before catching a flight back to San Francisco.
I felt like a jerk for cutting the trip short, but I was also starting to worry that maybe the lines were blending too much now, and I didn’t know what would happen when they were completely gone. I loved the bond and the relationship that I had with Lily, but when she said that she would want me to be her mom if Charlotte wasn’t, I knew that we were already crossing into new territory. Add in the kiss between John and me the other night, and things were getting even messier.
“Do you have any arm left?” John joked, laughing at the string of bags lining mine and Lily’s arms.
“In all fairness, they didn’t pack them very full. That’s why it looks like there’s more than there is,” I grunted, shifting my weight to try to get the bags to slide back up.
“Give me those,” he sighed, reaching over and taking the bulk of the bags from my arm.
“I got them, thank you. Help Lily. She needs it more.”
He quickly narrowed his eyes at me before turning to her and taking the three bags that she had.
“Okay, now give me yours,” he said, turning to me and waiting.
I rolled my eyes and gave him a smug smile while I reluctantly handed him a few.
“I can carry the rest,” I assured him, moving them up my forearm. “Thank you,” I added, not wanting to be rude when he offered to help.
We finished shopping, and John made a quick trip back up to his room to drop off our bags. Lily and I hung out on a bench, and people watched for a few minutes until he came back. I was impressed with his speed and stamina and then reminded myself that he runs for fun every chance that he gets. I’ve never been athletic and don’t have a single bone in my body that wouldn’t protest if I tried to run. My body and I have a very clear understanding that I don’t run unless something is chasing me. Like a bear.
After the recommendation of a few locals, we walked over to the Fort Worth Water Gardens and cooled down for a bit under a cypress tree by the blue mediation pool. The sound of the water on the towering walls around us was so tranquil and relaxing that I could spend all day there. Lily had fun walking the steps of the active pool while I felt like a mother hen, watching to make sure she didn’t slip and fall as she walked ahead of us.
By five o’clock, we were hot, tired, and sticky from the humidity, so we decided to head back to our rooms. I took a quick shower to cool off, not bothering to wash my hair or makeup since it had actually held up today. We had dinner in Sundance Square, and then John surprised Lily with another item from the bucket list.
When we pulled into Coyote Drive, Lily looked around, confused by where we were.
“Be entertained while under the stars. It’s even better if it’s in the car,” I read out loud, answering her question. “We’re at a drive-in movie theater.”
Her eyes widened with surprise, followed by excitement. John found a place to park by the speaker, and once we were situated, I helped him get the camping chairs out of the back. It was a warm night, but I still grabbed a blanket from my bed for Lily to use to cuddle up with for the movie. I knew that’s how she liked to watch them at home, so it just felt natural now.
John and I sat on opposite sides of her, watching the movie and eating the popcorn that he had made before it started. It helped having the motorhome, so we didn’t have to go far for snacks, drinks, or a bathroom break. Once it was over, Lily yawned and climbed back into the motorhome, making her way to my bed.
We got back to the hotel, and I helped John carry their stuff up while he carried Lily, who was still asleep. It was a long and busy day, and I couldn’t help but feel sad that I would soon miss all of this.