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The drive to Arkansas was painstakingly awkward. I had found Lily in the restaurant's bathroom, crying in the stall, and had to beg her to talk to me. She refused—which I couldn’t blame her. After all, I was supposed to be helping her family, not wrecking it. We walked—in silence—to the motorhome. She climbed into the bed, not speaking to either of us.
John drove the eight hours it took for us to get to Little Rock after getting stuck in construction along the way. He didn’t seem like he wanted company, and it wasn’t like we could continue our conversation from earlier with Lily right there. Not that I even wanted to continue it. I wished that he had just forgotten about it and pretended like it had never happened. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now. Just one more reason why I needed to remove myself from their lives and let them live happily ever after without me.
I took the time to sit down at the table and read the book I had started before we left last week. While reading was usually a stress reliever for me, I couldn’t get attached to the characters, making it less enjoyable. I gave up after an hour and decided to clean up around the motorhome.
The fridge was relatively clean, though there were a few things that were almost empty and could be condensed. I worked on organizing everything that was left and made another list of things that they would need to replenish before their trip back to San Francisco. A trip they would be making without me.
I walked over and checked on Sammy, making sure he was still doing okay. He eagerly swam to the top of his tank, waiting for me to feed him. I rolled my eyes and gave in, dropping a few flakes of food in for him. I knew that Lily had already fed him this morning, so he wasn’t starving, just acting like it.
My stomach grumbled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten much for breakfast and had completely missed lunch. John had stopped to grab something but I declined, still not feeling like eating. Finally, deciding that I needed to eat something, I opened the cabinet beside the fridge and found an unopened box of strawberry Pop-Tarts.
Knowing they were Lily’s favorite, I gently tossed a pack on the bed beside her, giving her a soft smile before sitting down at the table. I heard the crinkle of the wrapper, knowing that she had opened them. I ate mine, looking out the window, wondering when I should break the news to them that I wasn’t planning to stay long.
Meghan at BayView Advertising said that Alexis would start reaching out to the candidates next week to schedule them but that the interview wouldn’t be until July. It was barely the first week in June, so I still had a few weeks before I would have to be back for the interviews. Unless something changed at the last minute, I technically could stay a little while longer.
But what would that do anyway? Give me more time with them before I left and ripped their worlds apart? It was a selfish thing to consider, and I hated myself for it. It was best to get back to San Francisco as quickly as possible and start looking for an apartment. Even if I didn’t get the job with BayView, I still needed to give John and Lily the space they needed without having me complicate things.
I knew that John said he was planning to stay in New Jersey for a few weeks to let Lily have time with her grandparents. That meant that they would be there until the last week of June, then they would start heading back home. So, I had until July first to find a new place and prepare myself for the interview of a lifetime.
By the time we got to Little Rock, it was already dark and hard to find a campsite to stay for the night. After driving around aimlessly, John finally stumbled upon a remote site and parked the motorhome.
I got out, needing some fresh air to clear my head. A few minutes later, Lily came out and stood beside me. She looked up at the night sky, not saying a word.
Thankfully it was clear without a cloud in sight. I walked around to the back of the motorhome, where John was grabbing our luggage. I waited until he stepped to the side, then grabbed the camping chairs, setting them up in front of the door to the motorhome.
I didn’t know the area and given that we got here after it was already dark, I wanted to make sure that we could get to safety quickly if an animal approached us. John closed the back door, startling me, before going inside with the bags he pulled out.
I sat down next to Lily and looked up, feeling the warmth of childhood memories floating back to me.
It was a relatively warm night, though a little too much on the humid side for my liking. I pulled at my tank top, adjusting it as I shifted in my seats. I could already feel the cotton shorts stick to my butt.
The door to the motorhome opened and closed again. John came and sat down in the empty chair beside Lily, not saying a word. We all sat there quietly, watching the night sky, looking for a shooting star to grant our wishes.
We had been sitting out there for an hour, maybe longer, when Lily started to get restless. She was about to get up when she looked off to the side and gasped. Her hand quickly reached out as she pointed at the shooting star that had flashed across the sky, gone within seconds.
I didn’t have to look over to know that John’s grin was stretched across his face, ear to ear. I could feel the happiness radiating from her and wondered what she had wished. Was it something silly that all kids wanted when they made a wish? Or was it the same thing that I found myself wishing for after my parents died—for one last wish?
Back then, I was convinced that if I could have just one wish, I could wish them back to life, and then I wouldn’t ask for another wish ever again, in my whole entire life. I was desperate for a second chance and didn’t realize that I had been given one until it was almost taken again.
Lily pulled in a deep breath and looked at me. There was a look of liberation on her face, and I knew that she had a lot of faith in whatever she had asked for with her wish. I winked at her and smiled. Without saying a word, she walked inside the motorhome and let the door close behind her.
I got up and folded my chair, noticing John do the same. I reached for hers at the same time he did, our fingers brushing against each other. I pulled back as if I had been burned by a fire that was raging out of control.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“It’s my fault,” I said quickly, stepping around him to put my chair in the back of the motorhome.
“I mean for earlier,” he said, standing right behind me with the other two chairs.
I inhaled slowly, the smell of pine trees overwhelming my senses.
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean for Lily to find out.”
“Me neither,” he said, setting the chairs down on top of mine. I stepped back, making room for him to close the door.
I stood there with my arms wrapped around my chest, shielding myself from his rejection. I knew that it was a mistake and that he regretted it, but it still hurt to keep hearing about it.
“I’ve been trying to apologize to you, but you won’t listen,” he added when I refused to say anything more.
“You don’t need to keep apologizing, John. I get it. We don’t have to keep beating a dead horse.”
“You don’t get it. That’s the problem. You can’t get it because even I don’t get it. I have no idea what any of this means, and I’m sinking in quicksand, trying to make it right when I don’t even know that it’s wrong.”
He threw his hands up in the air and looked at me. I could tell that he wanted me to say something. To reassure him that it wasn’t wrong and that we could figure it out.
“I’ve been offered the opportunity to interview for the creative marketing director position at BayView Advertising. I’m catching a flight back to San Francisco on Thursday and will find a new place to live before you get back in July. I think that it’s best that you have the conversation with Lily so she can help you find a replacement for her nanny.”
I swallowed down the acidic bile that was rising in my throat and walked away from him. I didn’t look back or give him the chance to try to stop me so we could talk about it.
But the part that hurt the most was that he didn’t try to. Instead, he let me walk away without a fight, and that alone told me everything that I needed to know about the future between us.