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“Right there,” I whispered as John’s lips slowly trailed kisses down my neck. I tilted my head to the side, allowing him full access as he pulled his arms around my waist. I still couldn’t believe that we were doing this. I leaned back against this muscular chest, allowing my body to give in to the pleasure that he was providing.
“Tell me what you want, Emma,” he coaxed, running his tongue along the side of my ear before playfully nipping at it.
“You,” I confessed. “It’s always been you.”
I heard a low growl in this throat before he spun me around, wrapped me in his arms, and lowered his mouth to mine. His kiss was as sweet as it was urgent. Both of us were desperately moving our hands over each other’s bodies, afraid that we wouldn’t get enough.
I felt his fingers on my back as he unzipped the red dress that he had bought me for my birthday. Our lips continued their dance, never bothering to break the kiss as the dress fell to the floor. I was standing in front of John for the first time, wearing nothing but the black lace bra and panties set that I bought for tonight—in case something ended up happening.
I quickly unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it down his broad shoulders until it landed in a pile next to the dress. My hands reached for his belt, ready to unfasten it, when he reached down and grabbed my wrists, stopping me.
Our lips finally parted as he stepped back and looked at me. His eyes slowly traveled the length of my body, drinking in the sight before him like a stranded man in a blazing hot desert.
He licked his lips before pulling the bottom one between his teeth. I could see the desire on his face and felt the swarm of butterflies in my stomach, knowing he wanted this as much as I did.
His eyes stayed locked on me while he took off his belt, then his jeans, stepping out of them as he watched me. I felt the blush flaming up my neck and onto my cheeks from all the undivided attention he was giving me.
“I’ve waited for this moment for a while now,” he said, stepping closer to me.
“Me too,” I whispered, closing my eyes as he reached me and ran his hand behind my head, holding it in place. His lips hovered over mine, the anticipation of what was about to happen electrifying.
“Everything is perfect again, Charlotte.”
I gasped, my eyes flying open to look at him. Surely, he said her name on accident, right?
I slowly stepped back, feeling the guilt well up inside of me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, tilting his head.
“You called me Charlotte,” I replied quietly, wrapping my arms around my body.
He stopped for a moment, pulling his shoulders back as he contemplated what I had said.
“You’re my one true love. Always have been, always will be.”
“But I’m Emma,” I said uneasily, unsure of why he was being so weird about it.
“You’re right. You are Emma. Not Charlotte. Not the woman I’m in love with, I was wrong.”
He turned and walked away, leaving me exposed and vulnerable on numerous levels. I quickly grabbed my dress from the floor and slid into it, desperate to cover myself up.
I turned around, ready to leave when I stopped in my tracks. I felt my heart crash hard against my chest, nearly knocking the breath out of me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, staring at Charlotte’s beautiful face. Everything about her was perfect, from her silky blonde hair to the breezy white dress that adorned her evenly tanned body. I knew that she was an angel, but I was desperate to hug her. To feel her one last time and pretend that she was really there.
I reached forward to grab her hand, but she yanked it back quickly, a scowl on her face.
“Charlotte, it’s me. Emma,” I pleaded for her to understand. “I’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe that you’re here,” I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek.
“I have so much to tell you, so much to catch you up on.” I was starting to ramble, but the scowl on her face didn’t fade. She crossed her arms over her body.
“Please, talk to me, Charlotte. I need to hear your voice. I need to know that you’re okay....”
I could feel the tears washing over my face as I begged her.
“I trusted you,” she said, catching me by surprise. “You let me down.”
“What?” I gasped, clutching a hand to my chest. “What are you talking about?”
Just then, John and Lily appeared behind her. They were scowling too as they took their place beside her.
“I trusted you to take care of my family, and instead, you tried to replace me. You want my husband. You’ve overstepped with my daughter. You’re not the friend that I thought you were.”
I felt my world crumble around me as I stared at them. I sobbed harder as I realized that what she was saying was true.
“No, no, no. Please, let me explain,” I pleaded. I took a step toward her, my hands folded in prayer in front of me. “Please, Charlotte. Please. You have to let me talk to you. Please.”
With each step I took toward them, they moved even further away from me into the bright white light behind them while I was left in the shadows of the darkness that was falling around me.
“Please...”
“Please...”
“Emma, wake up.”
I felt strong hands as they shook my arm repeatedly.
“Come on, Emma. I need you to wake up.”
The words hit hard in my chest, remembering the last time that I heard them when I was in the hospital after the accident. I was afraid to open my eyes and look around, for fear that I was reliving that moment again.
I felt cold hands on my forehead, followed by a muttered string of curse words. My eyes slowly flickered open, everything blurry from the tears clouding my vision.
“Hey,” John said, gently turning my head to face him. Worry was etched onto his face as he studied mine. I reached up and wiped the tears from my eyes, embarrassed that I was crying in the first place. My heart felt like it had been ripped open as the sadness spilled out of it.
I looked around the room, spotting the empty Chinese food containers from last night, and remembered that we were in a hotel room in Virginia.
“You gave me quite the scare,” John said quietly, shifting on the bed next to me.
“What happened?”
“I’m not sure. I woke up to use the bathroom, and when I was coming back, I heard you crying in your sleep. I thought maybe it was just a bad dream and didn’t know if I should wake you.”
I nodded, my heart still hammering in my chest. It was definitely a bad dream, to say the least. However, I could still feel the realness of it, the desperation that I felt to talk to Charlotte. The look of betrayal on her face when she saw that I was trying to replace her.
“When you started pleading in your sleep, I knew that I needed to wake you up. You scared me when I couldn’t. I was worried that your fever had spiked again and that I was going to have to rush you to the hospital.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
I sat up and scooted over, so he didn’t have to hang on the edge of the bed anymore. He moved up and sat beside me as we leaned against the padded headboard. I could feel my heart rate starting to come down, the cold sweat fading away. I looked over at the bed next to me, making sure that Lily was still sleeping peacefully. The sofa bed had been pulled out, and I felt bad that John had to sleep on it when I could see that it wasn’t very comfortable.
“What time is it?” I asked, feeling completely disoriented still.
John leaned forward and checked the clock on the nightstand.
“Two-thirty.”
I knew that there was no way that I would be able to go back to sleep any time soon. The dream had really messed with my mind, and I needed time to sort everything out. I hated being alone with my thoughts. Charlotte was always good at helping me work through them, but she wasn’t here now. I also didn’t trust that she wouldn’t be upset with me if she were here. The guilt of thinking that I had subconsciously been trying to take her place was eating away at me quickly.
“Do you want to talk about the dream?” he asked quietly, making sure not to wake Lily.
I shook my head and looked away, unable to make eye contact with him.
“I won’t push,” he added, resting a hand on my knee. “But I know that you get too far into your head sometimes and need someone to pull you back out. I’m happy to do that for you if you’ll let me.”
I knew that he meant well and that as friendly as his offer was, it struck something deep inside of me. I felt the tears spilling down my cheeks faster than I could stop them. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tucked my head down, hoping that my sobbing wouldn’t disturb Lily.
John reached over and gently wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I let go of my knees and gave in as he held me against his chest. I cried as quietly as I could while I told him the quick summary of my dream—aside from the part where we were crossing the line of our friendship.
I didn’t know how hard it would be for him to hear me talk about Charlotte, but surprisingly, he didn’t react negatively. Instead, he continued to hold me the entire time, except for the few minutes that it took for him to run to the bathroom to grab a box of tissue. When I was finally calm and able to catch my breath, I pulled away from him and leaned against the headboard again.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “It’s late. You should try to get some sleep. We have a full day of driving tomorrow.”
“I’m not worried about any of that,” he said, sighing heavily. “I’m worried about you.”
I looked up at him, finding his green eyes studying me like they were in my dream.
“Why?”
He paused while he thought about how to answer the question.
“Because you’re so hard on yourself. You’ve been a tremendous help with Lily and me, yet you constantly worry about replacing Charlotte. You live in this guilt of doing something wrong, and I worry that it will eat you alive if you let it.”
I could feel my voice get shaky as I started to speak.
“It was just a dream, and I know that. I’m fine.” I waved dismissively, hoping that he would buy it. Lord knew that I didn’t. I was the worst liar and always sounded like a squeaky mouse when I told a lie.
He arched a brow, calling me on it.
I chewed my nail nervously, not sure what to say. It wasn’t like I could just outright confess to him that I had been feeling something for him and that it scared the crap out of me because I didn’t know what those feelings were. I just knew that I shouldn’t be having them for him.
“I don’t know what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours,” he muttered, running a hand down his face. “But I don’t want whatever this is between us to end. So, I think we need to be open and honest with each other.”
I sucked in a ragged breath, trying to prepare myself for whatever it was he was about to say. I could see the look on his face and knew that it was going to be heavy.
“It’s only been two months since Charlotte died,” he started, a slight strain in his voice when he said her name. “I don’t know that I will ever really get used to a world without her in it, but I know that I have to try. There’s not a single day that goes by that I don’t miss her. I want to pick up the phone and call her, to tell her about this amazing trip that we’ve been on, and I can’t. The day that she died, it ripped a hole into my heart, and I never thought it would heal.”
I noticed the tears that slid down his cheeks but said nothing. I didn’t reach up to wipe them away like I wanted to. John was opening up to me for the first time, and I didn’t want to do anything that would stop it.
“When the doctors wouldn’t tell me if you had made it, that hole grew bigger, Emma. I felt like I couldn’t breathe while I waited to find out if both the women who I loved and adored had been taken away from me. I know that you can’t stand the thought that you’re replacing Charlotte, but I assure you, you’re not. Nothing that you do will ever replace her, and I don’t mean that in a bad way.”
He pulled in a deep breath, along with the courage to keep going.
“You can’t replace her because my time with Charlotte is now frozen. The things that you do for Lily and me, they aren’t things that Charlotte could do for us because she’s gone. You’re not stepping on her toes or taking anything from her. I hate that you feel like you are.”
Now, it was my turn to let the tears fall as I listened to him talk.
“I love you, Emma. In a way that I can’t even wrap my head around right now, and that scares the shit out of me. I’ve always loved you, and Charlotte knew that. It wasn’t a romantic love that she had to be worried about, but a deep love that I had for my closest friends and the little bit of family that I choose to have. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve spent almost every day together for the past two months, but something between us has shifted. I feel it, and I know that you do too. You wouldn’t be trying to run away every chance you had if you didn’t.”
I picked up a tissue and quietly blew my nose, surprised that Lily was still sleeping through all of this.
“I know that we’ve shared a kiss—and I don’t regret it, but please don’t run from me because you’re worried that I’m trying to replace Charlotte with you. That would never happen, Emma. And while I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the idea of dating or being romantically involved with anyone right now, I don’t want you to think that I would ever try to replace her. If I’m ever given a second chance at finding love, that person will be just as special as Charlotte was.”
I nodded quickly, deciding then and there that the rest of the dream would be an embarrassing detail that only I would keep secret for as long as I lived.
Hearing John talk about our relationship and how he felt about me helped clear some of the murkiness that had started to develop. Maybe he was right that we did love each other, just not in the way that was causing me so much stress. I took comfort in knowing that I meant so much to him but that he wasn’t interested in anything romantic.
“Thank you for telling me,” I whispered, wiping my face with a clean tissue. “That did help clear out some of the mess that was starting in my head.”
“Of course,” he said softly, patting my knee. “But, like I said, this only works if we’re both open and honest with each other.”
I could hear something in his voice like he was waiting for me to confess something. If it was about the rest of the dream, there was no way that I was going to tell him about that. It was embarrassing enough for me to have to think about it. I didn’t need to make him uncomfortable, thinking that I was having these kinds of thoughts about him. Before the dream, I had never thought about John in that way. Well, not until after our kiss. But even then, my thoughts never got anywhere past the panic of knowing that I had kissed my best friend’s husband.
“I agree. Honesty is important,” I replied, not knowing what else to say.
“Okay...” He gave me a pointed look and waited.
“I’m not sure what you’re waiting for,” I laughed nervously, glancing at Lily as she shifted position.
I could still feel his eyes on me, not letting up as he waited.
“Fine,” he sighed.
I felt a tiny bit of relief when I thought that he was giving up on the subject.
“Are you moving out and interviewing for this job because you’re in love with me, and you’re trying to run from your feelings?”
My jaw dropped open as all the air inside rushed out. How did he know?
“I... umm...” I stuttered, unable to find the words. My heart was racing again as panic flooded through me that my secret had been exposed.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the headboard. Maybe if I stayed like this and ignored him, it would all just go away?
I waited patiently, with no such luck. Finally, when I opened my eyes, I found him staring at me, a stern look on his face.
“I’m interviewing for the job because it’s my dream job. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
I kept my answer short and simple, avoiding the other half that I knew he was wanting.
“And are you moving out because you’re in love with me?”
“I’m moving out because it’s the right thing to do.” I swallowed hard, feeling the intense heat from his eyes as they bored into me.
“Right thing for who?”
“All of us.”
“So, that’s it? You just get to decide what we need, without even talking to us first?”
I could hear the anger in his voice and flinched.
“I’m just trying to make things easier. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
“Too late for that,” he muttered under his breath as he got up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
I let out the breath that I had been holding and let my shoulders fall. I felt like shit for how things had just ended between us, but he asked me to be honest with him. A few minutes later, I heard the shower running. I looked over at the clock. It was already four in the morning, and Lily would be up in a few hours. I hated the idea of John driving the seven some hours to New Jersey today, especially with little sleep.
I laid down and curled into my pillow, hoping to rest for a few hours so I could help with the driving. In his effort to make things better between us, I had only made them worse.