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Lily was up by six, bright and chipper as if there wasn’t a thick fog of tension filling the room. I knew when I heard the shower earlier that John was up for the day. He was sitting at the small table in the corner of the room, looking at the map he had brought on the trip while Lily took her time in the shower.
I was still tired but didn’t want to delay us getting to New Jersey by sleeping all morning. My body was sore, but thankfully, it seemed like I was over the worst part of the cold and was starting to feel better. I heard the low grumble as my stomach growled, ready for breakfast.
John looked up and glanced at me, not saying a word before turning his attention back to the map. He wrote something down on the notepad the hotel provided and tossed his pen onto the table when he was done.
“I’m going to go find breakfast. Can you keep an eye on Lily?”
I felt the knot in my stomach from the way he was acting. The added can you keep an eye on Lily comment really got under my skin. Since when did he have to ask? That’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, and I would do it without him even asking.
But he was making it clear where we stood, and I had to remind myself that by separating myself from them now, it would make things easier for everyone when I left.
“Yes.” I gritted my teeth as I pushed the words out.
The door closed quietly behind him, leaving me with the quiet peacefulness of the room and the muted sound of the shower under the bathroom door.
I stood next to the bed, digging inside the duffle bag to find a clean outfit to wear that would also be comfortable. It was already Sunday, and I was planning to leave on Thursday, which meant that I really only needed a handful of clean clothes to last me until I got back home. Then, I could sit around and cry in my cereal over the mistakes that I made while doing loads and loads of laundry.
I picked a pair of shorts and a tank top, anticipating another hot and humid day. A few minutes later, the shower turned off, and I could hear Lily singing along with Taylor Swift. I smiled and repacked the bag, setting my clothes for the day to the side.
I grabbed my cosmetics bag and debated whether to bother with getting ready today. We were going to be driving most of the day, so it wasn’t like anyone would see me. But then again, we would be seeing Charlotte’s parents tonight, so that seemed like a good enough reason to make an effort.
John got back at the same time Lily had finished in the bathroom, letting the steam from her shower float into the room as she opened the door.
“How long were you in there?” John asked, rushing past the sticky heat to get to the air conditioner.
“Not that long,” Lily shrugged.
“Not that long?” He lifted a brow. “You were in the shower when I left, and you’re just now coming out. I’d say that it was long.”
I laughed, then stopped when he looked at me. It wasn’t a sharp, angry look like I had expected. Instead, it was soft and warm, inviting almost. I rubbed my lips together nervously and looked away.
John set the bag of food and the drink tray down on the table. Lily was still humming along to the song she was singing while running a comb through her hair.
“Well, now that the shower is free, I’m going to go get ready,” I said, grabbing my stuff so I could get out of there as fast as possible.
“I brought you breakfast,” John replied with a stern tone. “I thought we could all eat together. As a family.”
It felt as though there was a snake wrapped around my throat, squeezing it shut as it tightened around me. His eyes locked onto mine, neither of us looking at Lily, as he pinned me with a look. He was challenging me to stay, and I could hear it in his tone as I felt the intensity of the green eyes that were still staring at me.
If I sat down to eat with them, as a family, then I would be going back on what I said I wanted. I would be doing the opposite of what I should be doing—putting distance between us—separating myself from them because I’m not part of their family.
I chewed the inside of my cheek, trying to figure out how to get around this without drawing Lily’s attention. I didn’t want her to worry that something was wrong or to stress about the tension between her dad and me.
“You guys are being weird again,” she muttered, tucking her comb back into her bag before joining John at the table.
He raised his eyebrows and stared. I could feel my palms sweating and hated that he was having this effect on me.
“The food is getting cold,” he warned, not moving an inch.
Lily worked on unpacking the bag of food, setting stuff out on the table while we continued in this awkward stare-down.
“Fine,” I muttered, dropping my stuff to the bed. “I’ll come and have breakfast with my friends.”
I raised an eyebrow and gave him a smug smile.
“We’re not family?” Lily asked, looking up at me with a hurt look on her beautiful face. She reminded me so much of her mom with her baby blue eyes and the way her face looked so thin with the thick blond hair framing it.
“That’s not what I meant,” I replied cautiously. “Of course you’re family. You’re my god-daughter.” I offered her a smile, but it was tight and unconvincing.
“What about daddy? He’s not your family?”
“Well... umm...” I was stammering, trying to find the right words to say.
“Eat your breakfast before it gets cold.” John pointed to her food with his fork and ended the conversation for me.
I kept my head down as I picked pieces off the bagel and popped them into my mouth. I wasn’t ready for these conversations with her and didn’t know if I would ever be. I thought I was doing the right thing by walking away and giving them space, but now I worried that Lily would feel abandoned by me. Which she had every right to feel that way, given that was exactly what I was doing.
“So, I decided what I want to do for my birthday this year,” Lily said around a mouthful of the breakfast sandwich she was eating.
“Yeah? What’s that?” John asked, taking a sip of coffee. He had set the other cup in front of me without bothering to acknowledge it. It was like he was trying to prove to me that regardless of what I wanted, he was still going to try to take care of me.
“I want to have a party on the beach! But I want to do it in New Jersey, with nana and pop. That way, we can celebrate as a family.”
She looked over at me, staring me down the same way her father does.
“Can you come back for my party?” she asked with so much hope in her voice that I couldn’t hear anything else.
I glanced at John, who was staring coldly at the table, his fist clenched around the fork in his hand.
“I’m not sure, but I will try. When are you having it?”
“I was thinking fourth of July? It’s on a Saturday this year so we could spend the whole day at the beach, and then watch fireworks that night. I know that my birthday isn’t until the eleventh, but I really want to watch the sky light up and pretend that it’s mommy sending me birthday wishes. Plus, you only get to turn eleven once. Why not make it a big celebration?!”
Her enthusiasm overrode the heartache that I felt when she mentioned Charlotte. I hated that she had to spend her first birthday without her mother, but I was happy that she found something that she wanted to do. It would be a hard day for her regardless, but at least she was finding her way. Something that I still needed to do.
“You only get to turn every age once,” John teased, taking a bite of his eggs. “But I think that will be a fun celebration. I’ll talk to them when we get there, and we’ll plan it out. We’ll have to get back on the road to head home shortly after that, so think about where you want to celebrate your birthday, and I’ll plan our trip around it.”
“Okay!” she was even more excited than before. She went back to eating her breakfast as I struggled to keep my bagel down.
I reached for the coffee at the same time John gently slid it over to me as if reading my mind. I hated that he knew me so well and could read my emotions better than anyone. It was a gift and a curse at the same time. I smiled and grabbed the cup, fighting the urge inside of me to fling it against the wall.
Instead, I pushed away from the table and stood up.
“Thank you for breakfast,” I said, my voice shaky as I struggled to talk past the lump in my throat. “I’m going to get ready real quick, so we can get on the road.”
I took the coffee and grabbed my stuff from the bed before I disappeared into the bathroom. I stood under the hot water, hoping it would wash away the rush of emotions that were overwhelming me right now. I knew that I had to find a way to make it back for Lily’s birthday. I would hate myself if I didn’t. But that was barely a month away, and who knew what would happen with the interview and finding an apartment.
I couldn’t stress over any of that right now. I had to keep pretending that everything was alright before Lily caught on. The last thing that I wanted was to ruin her trip. I got ready as quickly as possible and tossed my dirty clothes and cosmetics bag into my duffle bag, ready to get moving again.
We were on the road, heading to DC, when Lily looked out the window and yelled for John to stop. We both panicked as he looked around to see what’s wrong.
“Can we go?!” she asked excitedly, pointing to the side of the road up ahead where a sign for a U-Pick-It farm was located.
“You want to go pick fruit?” John asked, clearly confused.
“It’s on the bucket list!”
I calmed down, thankful that nothing was wrong.
“If you are what you eat, make sure to pick—”
“Something sweet,” John finished for her with a chuckle.
“Well, it’s fitting,” I offered, noticing the sign below it that read ‘pick fresh strawberries here.’
Fifteen minutes later, we were walking through the field, holding our buckets as we plucked strawberries from the vines and added them in.
It was already hot and humid as we continued the last few rows before our buckets were too full.
“What are you going to do with all of these strawberries?” I asked Lily, looking down at the three buckets that were almost overflowing.
“I have no idea,” she giggled. “We can make strawberry shortcake at nana’s house. Or maybe dip them in chocolate?”
“Those both sound delicious,” I said with a cheesy grin.
“Well, let’s get going before we all melt out here,” John groaned, not a fan of the humidity.
We paid for our harvest and climbed back into the motorhome. John got us back on the road while I had Lily watch Sammy so I could wash the strawberries in the sink. I was thankful that we had a few colanders after our trip to Walmart. I knew they would come in handy for the pasta that I made but didn’t know that we would need even more for all these strawberries.
Lily hung out with Sammy for the first half of the drive, and I found myself googling whether fish could get motion sickness after Lily forgot to brace his tank when John went through curves a little too quickly, and he got sloshed around.
By five o’clock, we had made it to New Jersey. I looked out the window, watching the houses pass by as we made our way to Charlotte’s parent’s house. I remembered these streets, and the memories of my childhood came flooding back to me. For a moment, I closed my eyes and tried to feel the happiness that I had felt long ago before everything that I loved in life was taken away from me.