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“It’s so good to see you! Welcome home!” Alice cried excitedly, holding me tight as she hugged me. I felt a surge of emotions course through me as I thought about how much this really did feel like home. A strange pull at my heart made me miss being here and spending time with Alice and Charles. Charlotte’s parents had always been so kind to me and took me in as one of their own after my parents died, and then again when my aunt passed away.
I was reluctant to let go of her as she pulled away. I missed having someone to hug like family. It was the kind of hug that fully enveloped you and made you feel whole again, no matter how broken you were.
“It’s my turn!” Charles said, scooting around John and Lily to get to me. It was a fun dance of moving around to greet each other. Finally, he pulled me into his arms for a hug and kissed the top of my head. “How are you? I feel like we haven’t seen you since....”
His voice trailed off when he remembered that the last time we had seen each other was at Charlotte’s funeral.
“Well, it’s good to see you,” he added, clearing his throat. “How was the drive?”
“It was long but fun,” I laughed, looking over at Lily. “We’ve had a great time going on different adventures while working on the bucket list.”
“I’ve been so excited to hear all about it,” Alice said, wrapping her arm around Lily’s shoulders as she led her toward the house. “Why don’t we go have some lemonade and cool off, and you can tell us all about it.”
I smiled as I watched Lily walk in between them while John and I grabbed the items we needed out of the motorhome before joining them.
I was putting together an overnight bag when John startled me.
“How are you doing being back here?” he asked, leaning against the wall as I sat on the bed and finished packing.
“It’s weird,” I sighed, dropping my hands to my lap. “It feels like home.”
“In a good way?” he questioned, noticing my tone when I said it.
“Yeah? I guess. It’s hard to explain, but I’m not as sad as I thought I would be. It’s like I remember all the fun times that I had here growing up, and even though it makes me miss my family and Charlotte, it’s not as painful as I had imagined. Maybe it’s because I miss them regardless of where I am? I don’t know.”
I started to ramble nervously, forcing myself to stop before I said something stupid.
“I get it,” he said, breaking the awkward silence that had started to fall over us.
I looked down at the stuff that I had packed, feeling confident that I had what I needed. Alice and Charles had graciously invited us to stay in their house, so we didn’t have to sleep in the motorhome while we were here. Their home was plenty big enough with four bedrooms and three and a half bathrooms, plus it was on the beach, which meant that we weren’t likely going to spend much time inside anyway.
“I think I have everything that I need,” I replied, grabbing the strap of the duffle bag and pulling it over my shoulder.
I hadn’t realized that he had been staring at me until he flinched when I spoke.
“Yeah, um, me too.” He turned around and grabbed the bags from the kitchen table before picking up Sammy’s tank.
“We probably need to clean his tank soon,” I said, looking at the water that was starting to look a little murky.
“Yeah, I’ll go to the store and get more food too. He’s almost out.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised that he’s still alive,” I confessed, giggling.
“Me too. I’ve been dreading having to deal with it when he passes.”
“I’m sure. I wouldn’t want to have that conversation either.”
We walked inside the house, greeted by the sound of Lily telling them about the night she saw a shooting star and made a wish.
“Wow, that must have been amazing,” Alice replied with a tone that only a grandmother has.
“It was! But now I have to wait and see if my wish comes true. I don’t know how long it’s supposed to take, but I’m hoping that it’s soon.”
John and I paused in the living room, stopping when we heard her. It sounded like such a personal confession that we didn’t want to intrude. Not that it was any better that we were technically eavesdropping from the other room.
“I’m sure your wish will come true when the time is right,” Charles assured her.
“But what if it doesn’t? What if it’s too late, and then it never happens?”
John and I exchanged a curious glance, unsure of where this was going. Whatever it was, she seemed upset about it.
“It sounds like this is something that you really want,” Alice said softly.
“It is,” Lily rushed to confirm. “Like more than anything in the whole wide world.”
I felt my stomach drop and knew that it had to be something to do with Charlotte. It was the only thing that I could think of that she could want so desperately.
“That is a big wish,” Charles added.
I loved that they were being so nice to her and didn’t push her to tell them what it was.
“I doubt it will come true,” she mumbled unhappily.
I looked to John for guidance on whether we should go in yet or not. He nodded and took the lead, clearing his throat before he pushed open the double swinging door to the kitchen.
“Hey, kiddo,” he said, setting Sammy on the kitchen counter across from where they were sitting. “We’re going to have to get some food soon and clean his tank. Do you want to go to the store with me later?”
“Sure,” she said sadly, her mood not lightening yet.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at her as he got Sammy situated so his tank wouldn’t get bumped.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving,” Charles said, pushing away from the table and standing up. “Why don’t I go get the grill started?”
“I’ll work on the potato salad,” Alice added in. “Emma, do you want to help me?”
“Sure, I would love to.”
“Can I go upstairs to my room for a little bit?” Lily asked, looking around the room.
“Of course, dear. I’ll show you which one is yours.”
Alice helped Lily get her stuff, and they headed upstairs while Charles and John grabbed a couple of trays of meat from the fridge and headed out to the grill. I was left by myself in the kitchen with no one to talk to but Sammy.
I pulled the duffle bag off my shoulder and set it down on the chair. Sammy was swimming along the top of his tank, searching for food, so I walked over and opened the almost empty container, and shook a few flakes in.
“You’re lucky that you don’t have to worry about anything other than eating, swimming around, and looking cute,” I mumbled to him. I leaned down to watch him, resting my elbows on the counter. “I wish that my life was that easy. Instead, it’s filled with all these tough decisions that I have to make that I don’t want to. Being an adult sucks.”
“What decisions do you have to make?” Alice asked, walking in behind me and scaring me.
I jumped up, and my hand flew to my chest.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” I said as my heart beat wildly against my chest.
“Sorry. It didn’t take long to show her to her room. She wanted to be alone, so I didn’t stick around longer than needed.”
I nodded and pulled my lips into a thin line.
Alice opened the fridge and started pulling bowls out, setting them on the island beside us. She worked quietly, starting an assembly line of ingredients for the potato salad. I stood beside her, waiting for her to tell me where she wanted me to start. It had been a long time since I stood in her kitchen and helped her cook.
“I’ve already boiled the potatoes and cut them up,” she said, pointing to the biggest bowl on the counter with her elbow while she opened the jar of mayonnaise. “Go ahead and grab the eggs from the sink. I just finished boiling them right before you guys got here. They should be cool enough to peel now.”
I did as she asked and worked quietly at the sink. I glanced over my shoulder to see her mixing the mayonnaise into the bowl with the potatoes before adding the chopped pickles and a splash of the juice from the jar. I tried desperately to learn how to cook from her when I was growing up, but it was difficult given that she used the eyeball method and never any actual measurements. I tried my best, but countless meals were inedible due to my eyeballs being a poor judge of quantity.
“So, does this big decision that you have to make have anything to do with the wish that Lily made?” she asked casually while mixing the ingredients together.
I blew out a heavy breath, feeling the weight on my shoulders. She had always been like a mother to me, and I wanted to confide in her and ask her for her opinion, but it didn’t feel right. Not when my big dilemma had to do with her daughter’s husband.
“I don’t know,” I said, avoiding the question. “She hasn’t told me what she wished for.”
“Well, she seems rather stressed about it. And if I’m being honest, you seem pretty overwhelmed right now too.” She stopped what she was doing and turned around, waiting for me to do the same. I set the last egg down and wiped my hands on the towel hanging over the edge of the sink.
“I’m not going to pry Emma, but I hope that you know that you can still talk to me. About anything. Just because Charlotte is gone doesn’t mean that our relationship has changed. You’re still like a daughter to me, and I care greatly about your happiness.”
“I’m happy,” I lied, looking down to avoid the knowing look that she was giving me.
“No, you’re not. I saw it on your face the moment you stepped out of that motorhome.”
I lifted my head, my eyes meeting hers and finding the comfort that I’ve been longing for, for so long now.
“I’ve really missed you,” I said shakily, my voice faltering.
She took the few steps that separated us and wrapped me in a hug.
“I’ve missed you too. It’s so wonderful to have you back home again, even if it’s just for a few days.”
I pulled my head back and looked at her, shocked that she knew that I was leaving before John and Lily.
“John told me yesterday when he called to update us on when you guys would be here. After you had been so sick, he was keeping us in the loop on how you were feeling and if you guys would need more time before you got back on the road again.”
“I didn’t know that he was going to tell you that I wasn’t staying the entire time.”
“He didn’t mean any harm by it. I asked if you guys should be pushing it, trying to get here so quickly, and he told me that you wanted to make sure you got to spend some time with us before you had to head home for your interview.”
My stomach dropped, and I felt a wave of nausea hit me again. It happened every time I thought about going back to San Francisco. It was the end of everything that I had known and come to love over the past few months, and I wasn’t ready to face it—even though I needed to.
“He sounded as miserable as you look right now.”
“Did he tell you why?”
At this point, I had no idea how much John had told her and didn’t want to be blindsided if she knew what was really going on and why I was leaving.
“He didn’t. He just said that things were complicated. Now, with John, I usually take that to mean that he’s having trouble with something at work. But since you guys have been on the road for almost two weeks, I’m guessing that this is more personal.”
I felt my hands tremble slightly at my sides, wondering if I was going to regret what I was about to do. The worst that could happen was that she would hate me for what I had done, which I had constantly been beating myself up over anyway.
“John and I kissed,” I blurted out. “Just once, and it was an accident. But then Lily found out about it, and things have been weird between us ever since.”
I looked up to find the shock on her face before it was quickly replaced with understanding.
“I see,” she said quietly. “I can see now why you’re both acting the way you are.”
I waited patiently for the verbal lashing that I was expecting, only it never came. Instead, she turned back around and went back to making the potato salad. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there, staring dumbly at her back.
“Finish up with those eggs, then bring them on over. The boys will be done grilling soon.”
I turned around and finished the last egg. I cleaned up the shells and tossed them in the trash before joining her at the island and setting them down.
“Go ahead and grab that knife, then start cutting them.” She nodded to the extra paring knife that was sitting between us.
I grabbed the knife and started cutting, surprised by how satisfying it felt to cut into each egg.
“So, is the problem that you guys kissed, and Lily found out? Or is that you guys kissed, and something changed with how you feel about each other?”
“I don’t know. Both, I guess?”
“What does John think about it?”
“He apologized right after it happened and admitted that it was a mistake.”
“And what did you do?”
“I tried to forget that it happened. I wanted to move on, but he kept wanting to talk to me about it later. Then, things got weird, and he wouldn’t stop trying to take care of me.”
“So, why is that a problem?”
I pushed the bowl of eggs over to her and set the knife on the counter. She dumped them into the big bowl and started mixing with the wooden spoon while she waited for me. I planted my palms on the island and tried to find the best way to talk to her about this.
“Because I can’t have him taking care of me. I was supposed to be taking care of him and Lily—not the other way around. But things keep changing, and I find that I’m getting too close, and I don’t want to overstep. Lily started her period last week, and I was the one who helped her through it. That’s something that her mom should have done for her, not me.”
“But her mom’s not here. So, if you didn’t help her, then she would have had to figure it out on her own.”
I tilted my head back and looked at the ceiling in frustration. She was right, and I knew it. But no matter how hard I tried to justify that I had been overstepping in my role, it didn’t seem to matter.
“Do you remember when you started your period? You didn’t have your mom either, but your aunt helped you. No one looked at her and thought she was overstepping. So why would it be different for you with Lily?” She tilted her head and looked at me as she stopped stirring.
“Okay, I get what you’re saying. But still, it feels like I’m constantly overstepping. Lily was having a hard time at school with these girls that were bullying her, so I talked to John about it. I’m constantly there, helping with her homework, teaching her things that Charlotte had started—it’s like I’m replacing her, and I don’t want to do that.”
“Has she said that she thinks you’re trying to replace her mom?”
“No.”
“Has John?”
“No.”
She set the spoon against the edge of the bowl before wiping her hands on the front of her shorts.
“You seem to be the only one who’s concerned with this. I think that maybe there’s some guilt that you haven’t allowed yourself to deal with, and it’s forcing its way out now.”
I pressed my lips together tightly, hoping that the pressure would force the tears away from my eyes.
“It should have been me that day,” I whispered, looking away. “I should have been the one that was taken. Not Charlotte. She had a family that she left behind, and they need her.”
“Just like we need you. All of us. John, Lily, Charles—myself. There’s not a single person in this house who wishes that it would have been you instead, Emma. We miss Charlotte more than anything, but we would miss you just as much if you were gone.”
Her words wrapped around my heart, squeezing it so tight that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I sucked in a deep breath and held it, trying to pull myself together as I heard the guys outside, getting ready to come inside.
“Oh, and another thing,” Alice added quickly, checking over her shoulder to make sure we were still alone. “Don’t be so afraid of love that you can’t even see it when it’s staring you in the face.”
She smiled and winked before she walked away. I looked out the window and found John watching me.