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“Okay, open my gift!” I said excitedly, handing Lily a box wrapped in pink shimmery wrapping paper. There was a white ribbon tied around it that she was trying to get off with no luck. I reached into the drawer behind me and pulled out a pair of scissors, handing them to her. She cut the ribbon and started tearing through the paper as her face pulled tight with an ear-to-ear grin.
I leaned forward on the couch, resting my elbows on my knees while folding my hands together in front of my face. I tapped my feet anxiously, hoping that she would love her gift. Finally, she had the box free from the paper and opened it. Her eyes went wide as she looked inside, then looked up at me. I smiled back, nodding for her to take it out.
Her fingers dug in and pulled out a thick photo album that had a picture of her and John on the front. Beneath it was the words Lily’s Epic Adventure. She took her time flipping through the pages of the scrapbook that I had made for her with the pictures I had taken on our trip.
She laughed at the silly ones, and I watched her eyes get glossy with a few of the more serious ones, like her and John sitting side by side at the beach after we finished the sandcastle. It was such a huge accomplishment, and she was overwhelmed with emotion when we were done. John had taken her down on the beach to talk, and I snuck in a picture of the two of them with his arm wrapped protectively around her.
There were plenty of pictures of the sandcastle itself, plus the few that Alice had sent to me of the three of us working on it as we went. I wanted her to always have this memory and know how thrilled her mom would have been to see her biggest dream come to life.
Once she got to the end, she stopped and looked down at the piece of paper that was by itself in a protective sleeve. I felt the tug at my heart, knowing that she was as emotional about it as I was. It was the original bucket list that Charlotte had written. The copy that Lily was afraid to take with her because she didn’t want anything to happen to it.
I had also taken the time to write each of the riddles down on a new piece of paper, along with what the adventure was and where we did it.
“What is it?” Alice asked softly, leaning forward to see what had Lily in tears.
“It’s mom’s bucket list. Aunt Emma saved the original one and made me a new one that has the answer to each clue.”
“Why don’t you read them out loud to us,” John asked, leaning closer to see over her shoulder.
“Okay,” she said shakily.
As she worked her way down the list, she got too worked up and started sobbing, unable to continue. I looked away, feeling terrible for giving her a gift that had upset her so much. John was holding her as she cried, assuring her that it would be alright with each word he whispered.
After a few minutes, she calmed down enough to get up and come running over to me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Thank you for the gift,” she sobbed, her tears wetting my face. “But you forgot one.”
She pulled back and wiped her face as she looked at me. I pulled my brows together in confusion, wondering how that could have happened. I was focused when I worked on it, but surely it was possible that I accidentally missed one.
“Which one did I miss?” I asked, reaching out to touch her hand before she jerked it away and ran upstairs.
My heart was beating in my ears as the blood rushed through me, bringing me to my feet quickly before I squatted down in front of the table and looked at the pages that were arranged so they would be side by side.
On the left side was Charlotte’s list, and on the right was mine. I counted the number of items on both and confirmed that they matched. I quickly scanned the one that I had written, making sure that I hadn’t accidentally listed the same one twice.
Eat with the ants, but you can’t wear pants
You might get a tummy ache from the funnel cake, but if you sink a ball in, you just might win
If you are what you eat, then make sure you pick something sweet
Go high in the sky, but not faster than the birds can fly
You might need more than a breeze to travel across all three of these
Just when you’ve crossed the line, take a step back and go back in time
Be entertained while under the stars; it’s even better if you’re in the car
Keep your eye on the night sky, and you just might see one pass by
Sit and be still; maybe they’ll come. When they light up, it’s even more fun
If you build it, they will come, but when the water comes, you better run
Everything matched between the two of them, so I couldn’t figure out what had Lily so upset. I reached inside the clear sleeve and pulled out the copy that Charlotte had written and found one more on the back that I hadn’t noticed before. I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, holding it against my chest when I read it.
“What does it say?” John asked behind me.
“When you think you’ve found happiness, check to see if it’s true love’s first kiss.”
I pressed my lips together when I was done, hearing John sigh behind me before he sunk back against the chair.
“I don’t get it,” Charles said, confused. “Is she trying to find true love?”
John and I stayed silent, neither of us knowing what to say. It had hit me like a ton of bricks after I remembered her talking to me about her friend’s mom, who was suddenly happier than she had ever been because she had fallen in love again. Lily was so adamant that was what she wanted for John, for him to be happy again.
“It’s not about her, dear,” Alice said softly, knowing what was being said by our silence.
“I’ll go talk to her,” John said, pushing out of his seat.
I didn’t want to overstep, but I also didn’t trust that he would know the right thing to say to her right now.
“Do you mind if I try instead? I think this might be better girl to girl, if you know what I mean?”
He nodded and sat back down as Charles watched, still confused.
“Why don’t we go make some tea?” Alice offered, helping him off the couch. I knew that she was going to go fill him in on what was happening while she gave John some space to not have to be in the middle of that conversation with his father-in-law.
I took the stairs two at a time, then waited outside of Lily’s room, afraid to go in and break her heart even more. I knocked softly, hoping that it was enough for her to hear.
“Go away,” she muttered.
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the door, frustrated at myself for creating this mess. I only had a few seconds for self-pity before I had to move on and get this over with before I made it worse.
“I’m coming in, Lily,” I announced, turning the knob slowly and pushing the door open.
She was lying on her bed, curled into a ball with the blanket she was working on with Charlotte wrapped around her. It felt like the walls were caving in around me, smothering me with the grief that I felt for her.
I didn’t bother trying to sit on the bed with her. I wanted to give her whatever space she needed and knew that she might not want me in here, period. I sat down on the plush rug in the middle of the room and waited a few minutes.
“I’m really sorry that I upset you,” I said softly. “I didn’t mean to, and I feel terrible about it.”
She laid there quietly, pulling in ragged breaths as she clutched the blanket tighter.
“I didn’t remember that there was another clue when I wrote them down for you. It wasn’t on purpose that I left that one off. It just happened to be the luck of the draw that it was the only one on the other side and the one that we didn’t talk about on the trip while we were marking the others off.”
She stayed quiet, but her breathing started to level out as she calmed down some.
“When your mom wrote that one, she was head over heels in love with this guy at school—or so she thought. She believed in fairytales and wanted to believe that you can tell if it’s true love by the first kiss,” I explained. “But Lily, this was when she was your age and didn’t even know what love was yet. I’m sure that this one was already crossed off her list after she met your daddy.”
“That’s not true,” she countered, shifting to sit up. She kept the blanket held tight against her. “You guys have always told me how mommy didn’t want anything to do with daddy when they first met and that it took her a while before she gave him a chance. They didn’t fall in love with their first kiss.”
“That’s not really how it works, though,” I tried again, already knowing that this wasn’t what she wanted to hear based on the scowl on her face. “Just because someone doesn’t fall in love after the first kiss doesn’t mean that it’s not true love.”
“Yes, it does!” she yelled angrily. I pulled back, shocked by the outburst. “Mommy and daddy didn’t have that after their first kiss, but you and daddy did! That’s why you guys have been acting so strange since it happened. Because it’s true love! You can’t fight it, even though you guys are trying. Daddy found happiness, and you guys shared true love’s first kiss!”
I opened my mouth to speak but stopped when I felt John’s eyes on me. I turned around to find him standing in the doorway, eyes narrowed and piercing through me.
“Emma, can you give us a minute, please?” His tone was clipped. “Alone.”
I stood up on shaky legs and walked out of the bedroom, jumping when the door closed loudly behind me. I sat at the top of the stairs, waiting impatiently.
“How’s she doing?” I asked when I heard John come out of Lily’s room a few minutes later.
“She’s fine,” he replied, sitting down next to me. “She’s going to rest for a little bit before we head to the beach.”
I covered my face with my hands and rested my elbows on my knees as I leaned forward.
“I made a huge mess out of this,” I grumbled. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin her birthday. You guys flew all the way here, and I had to go and—“
“You didn’t ruin anything. It was a beautiful, very thoughtful gift, Emma. It means a lot to her, just like it does to me too.”
I sat there hiding my face for a few minutes before I turned to look at him.
“I didn’t remember that last one,” I admitted, the guilt still eating away at me.
“I know. Me neither.”
“I didn’t expect her to think...” My voice trailed off with the words that I didn’t dare speak.
“I wish she hadn’t heard us talking about it,” he admitted, looking straight ahead of him and away from me.
I lowered my eyes in shame, knowing that he had regretted it from the moment that it happened.
“I’m sorry that it happened. It really hurt Lily, and I never wanted that to happen.”
“Do you know what I’m the most upset about?” he asked, turning toward me.
I stilled as I waited.
“I’m upset because I thought that we would be able to just move past it. Given everything that we’ve been through together, I figured we could get through this too because you’re not like other women. I knew that I didn’t have to worry about whether or not you were worried that I had crossed the line or if you would question whether I had loved my wife. You’ve always been real with me, Emma, and then all of a sudden— bam! Something changed, and now I feel like I don’t know you anymore. You’re running from me every chance you get because I made one mistake that changed something between us.”
I swallowed back the tears that were threatening to spill over.
“I got scared.”
“Me too,” he admitted. “But Emma, how are we ever going to move past this if you don’t talk to me?”
“What was I supposed to say? That I had accidentally fallen in love with you? Because I am John— I’m madly in love with you and Lily, and the thought of leaving you guys rips my heart open. I don’t know what this love is, but it’s different, and that scared me.” I gestured to the space between us.
“I would be more worried if things didn’t change between us. We’ve spent a lot of time together since she died, grieving our loss as a family and putting the pieces back together to start a new life. So, it’s easy to see that our love for each other would change too.”
His voice was soft and reassuring as he reached over and gently squeezed my shoulder.
“The thing that I hate the most about all of this is that the moment things got hard, and you got scared, you ran and put a wall up that no one can get through. You are so afraid of letting yourself love— or be loved— that you push people away until there’s no one left. We’re sitting here, trying to love you with everything that we have, and you’re basically saying that it’s not enough.”
The tears started to slide down my face as I kept my eyes on the front door below us.
“I know that you have your own life to live and that you need to decide what’s best for you, but I really wish that you’d come to New Jersey with us. I think it’s a great opportunity for all of us.”
He patted my knee and got up, walking to his room as he left me speechless.